With all the seriousness going on, maybe it's time for a Joke Thread. I'll go first.

[BlueJazz]

Favorite Gambler's Joke.

I woke up this morning...looked at the clock 5:55...went down to corner restaurant ...my bill came to $5.55
Along about 10 o'clock the mail comes...Got a bill for $55.55...I thought.."Damn that's strange"
Looked at the Racing Form. In the 5th Race at Gulfstream is a horse named "Fifty-Five-Sam".
I thought "Wow..It's a sign...It's my Lucky Day"!

Went to Bank...drew out all my dough..drove to track...Parked behind a Car with a tag that was "555-day" !!

Man o' Man!!

I bet All I had on "Fifty-Five-Sam"...He came in...Fifth.

[quip]

1. I'm not very good at remembering jokes, but the punch line of this really funny one involved

a play on the word "brazilian". Golly I wish I could recall it....


:hide:

[racaulk]

5. ROFL!!!

Whatever!!! Let me guess...

1. .txt file
2. Ctrl-A
3. Ctrl-C
4. Ctrl-V

:P

[Dr. Strange]

11. Um...

you didn't tell it right.

[racaulk]

19. Oh, shaddap!!!

:spank:

:hi:

[redqueen]

2. Oh yayness, a joke thread. :)

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

[Inchworm]

3. This hillbilly went into the pharmacy...

He said to the lady behind the counter, "I got me a girl, I need protection so she dont get a bun in the oven."

The lady hands him a box of condoms and says, "That'll be $4.99 plus tax."

He exclaimed, "Hell fire woman?!? Wont these things stay on themselves?"

:yoiks:

[BlueJazz]

6. Ouch! :)

[CTyankee]

21. That one stopped me for a few minutes until I "got" it!

And only by repeating it out loud!

[FloridaJudy]

4. A guy walks into a bar

Accompanied by a scruffy looking dog. The bartender yells, "Hey! No dogs allowed". The guy protests, insists this is a very gifted dog. "He's practically human. In fact he can talk". The bartender replies, "Yeah? If that dog can talk, the drinks are on me".

So the man asks the dog, "What do you call the top part of a house?"
"Roof", the dog answers.
"And what's the opposite of smooth?"
"Rough", the pooch replies.
"And who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"

The bartender loses it at this point, grabs the guy by the collar and tosses him out on the street. The dog follows meekly.

Staring at his disconsolate owner, the dog licks his paw and asks "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

[Fire Walk With Me]

7. Joke thread?

I'm afraid not.

[lildreamer316]

20. I f'n LOVE that joke!!!

that one and
barbituate.

[Bake]

8. City slicker and country boy walkin' down the road

They look over to the side of the road, and there's a dog laying in the grass, licking his balls.

City slicker says, "I wish *I* could do that."

Country boy says, "That dog'd BITE YOU!!!!!"

:rofl:

Bake

[grannylib]

9. George W. Bush. I know, it's not a FUNNY joke, but it's a joke.

[A-Long-Little-Doggie]

10. What does a one-legged ballerina wear?

A one-one!

Bada-boom!

[NoPasaran]

12. I'm tellin' yah, I just don't no respect

My doctor told me I was crazy. I told him I wanted a second opinion. "Okay," he said. "You're ugly too."

[DarkTirade]

13. My favorate gambling joke...

All in with a 2-3 off suit.

:rofl:

[ldf]

14. :-)

pokemon = rastafarian proctologist

:-)

[SallyMander]

15. One of my favorites...

An old man lived alone in the country.

He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

[Inchworm]

17. Woot! Good one!

:rofl:

[appal_jack]

16. This guy walks into a bank...

This guy walks into a bank, wearing a baseball cap and big sunglasses. He nervously approaches the teller, reaches into his pocket, and says, "This is a fuck-up."

The teller replies, "Sir, do you mean a stick-up?" and the man replies, "No, it's a fuck-up: I forgot my gun at home."







:hide:
Not the world's funniest perhaps, but I'm no good at remembering many jokes. Ani di Franco told this one at a show back when she was just a new-on-the-scene angry/funny/rockin' folkie traveling the country in a beat up car with one guitar, so of course I'll never forget it. Good times...

-app

[Brigid]

18. Two parrot jokes:

This one is courtesy of Whoopi Goldberg:A lady had always wanted a pet parrot, but felt they were too expensive and she couldn't afford one.  Then a friend died and left her his parrot in his will.  The lady was just delighted.  She went out and bought a lovely new cage, parrot toys, etc. Excitedly she brought the parrot home, took off the cover of the cage, and opened the cage door.  The parrot flew out of the cage and around the house from place to place, cursing and squawking and just generally raising a ruckus.  This went on for a couple of weeks.  Finally the lady just lost it.   She grabbed the parrot, took it to the kitchen, opened the freezer door, threw the bird in, and close the door.  She heard it squawking and thudding against the inside of the freezer.  After a few minutes, the noise suddenly stopped. The lady thought, "Oh, My God, I've killed it."  She opened the freezer door.  The parrot, very much alive, hopped meekly onto her shoulder and said, "I'm so sorry for my behavior.  If you give me another chance, I promise I'll be the best parrot anybody ever had."  The lady said, "All right.  I'll give you another chance."  The parrot said, "Thank you so much.  Now could you please answer one question for me?"  The lady replied, "Sure.  What is it?"The parrot asked, "What did the chicken do?"This one is courtesy of Ron White:A magician was booked to perform on a cruise ship.  The captain of the ship had a parrot that would sit in the audience every night and heckle the magician.  "Bwak!  It's up his sleeve!" or "Bwak!  It's under his hat!"  Finally one night the magician just lost it.  He pulled out a pistol, aimed it at the parrot, and fired.  The bullet missed and hit a propane tank instead, blowing the ship to smithereens.  The only surviviors were the magician and the parrot.  As the clung to a piece of wreckage waiting to be rescued, the parrot said, "OK, I give up.  What did you do with the ship?"