My husband is angry at me for keeping the kids up too late. I wanted to see the Obama speech with

[helderheid]

them. He won't even talk to me. I love this man but when we disagree, it is so unbearable. Any suggestions?

[Skittles]

1. ignore his ass

why the fuck should you cowtow to him?

[helderheid]

4. We've overcome a lot with cultural differences, but sometimes it's hard to say when it's that or

he's simply being assholish. Nonetheless, it doesn't make it easier. This man still gives me butterflies (after 10 years), but when we disagree (which is rare), it so completely sucks. And he's stubborn. And I'm not used to confrontation and hate it. God this sucks.

[Skittles]

6. ? does he just dislike Obama?

what's the big deal about staying up late?

[helderheid]

8. he hates politics and he's of a culture where schedules are golden. 6 pm, dinner. 7 pm, bedtime for

kids.

[Skittles]

10. oooooh

that's a tough one - hmmmm.....I guess what I would do is try to impart to him that while you are happy with the usual schedules you would like to make exceptions for special ones. Honestly, he sounds like a big baby to me but then, that's probably why I love to live alone. :D

[helderheid]

12. You a woman?

[helderheid]

14. I'm sorry if that is offensive - I just know we think differently in many ways.

[Skittles]

15. DAMN STRAIGHT I'M A WOMAN

ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF BEING SOMETHING ELSE???? :rofl:

[helderheid]

16. NO WAY! You just think like me... and I am a woman too!

:rofl:

[ScreamingMeemie]

2. Imagine what life would be like without him.

[helderheid]

5. Oh MrsGrumpy....

:hug:

I do every day, partly because of you.

Thanks for the perspective.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

3. Uh, seriously?

That's a bit dodgy. I can understand being annoyed, but 1) it wasn't like you were watching fluff reality TV, and 2) not talking to you is an excessive reaction, IMO. Maybe he's had a bad/weird day? I'd just let him stew for a while.

[caty]

7. He is throwing a silent tantrum.

Treat him the way you would treat a child who is throwing a tantrum. Ignore him. Saying anything will just give him more fuel for the fire. He's being passive aggressive. You be passive aggressive right back by not acknowledging his silent behavior. He'll get over it.

[helderheid]

9. It's what I'm doing, but I'm also asking myself the Course In Miracles question: would you rather be

right or be happy?

[PassingFair]

11. I could never be happy...

if I knew I was WRONG!

That question is C.R.A.P.!!

[helderheid]

13. oh foo. Some things we waste our anger on so it's a good question in that context.

[PassingFair]

23. Who said anything about anger?

The question doesn't make any sense at all.

I don't have to argue every point, but that
particular question really GRATES me.

[helderheid]

25. Better question: Is it worth the time and effort?

[PassingFair]

26. I guess I don't understand the concept.

You're either right or wrong.
People either agree with you or they don't.

The time and effort spent must be gaged by
the individual situation and the gravity
of the dispute.

But that particular question is just stupid.
It makes NO SENSE.

[helderheid]

29. It's hard to convey

[Madrone]

40. Maybe I can help with the concept -

It means, in short,

CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES.

Argue for 8 days about why you're RIGHT? Let it go and get on with more peaceful endeavors?

I don't know about you, but I'd rather get on with it. I HATE arguing, with a white hot passion. Besides, I always figure that *I* know I'm right. I don't care if the other person does so I'm not going to waste my time trying to get them to see the OBVIOUS. But then - that's the Leo in me. ;)

[PassingFair]

44. I understand "choose your battles".

It's literally "Would you rather be right or be happy?" that I
have a problem with.

:wtf:

Who would SAY such a thing?

What you are saying is "I KNOW I'm right, so I'm not going to
fight about it". I GET that.

The "concept" implicit in the "Would you rather be right or be happy?"
question is more along the lines of:

"I'm going to swallow this shit because
you're a bigger bully than I am, guess
YOU'RE right, tra la lee".

I can say "Whatever, I'm not going to argue
with you".

But, "Would you rather be right or be happy?" isn't offering
a REAL CHOICE.

Not to ME anyway.

Just ME.

That question sets me off for some reason.....

[Madrone]

45. I see where you're coming from.

It appears to me that you get and agree with the concept, but heartily disagree with the semantics. I think you see it more like submitting to your "superior" - especially within the context of a relationship. And in THAT case, this Leo most CERTAINLY agrees with your distaste. :D That's not what that saying is *intended* to mean though.

[PassingFair]

48. I know....it's the ACTUAL SENTENCE that I object to.

it "raises my hackles" as it were.....

I'm an atheist, so maybe that has something to do with it.

The first time I saw it, someone had written it on the
"platitudes" wall at work.

It short-circuited my simple brain!

"Would you rather be right or be happy?"

:wtf:

That's a legitimate CHOICE? That's not even a legitimate QUESTION!

It wasn't until just now that I found out
it's from "A Course in Miracles".....

:)

[Redstone]

17. Tell him that Redstone is going to come over and explain things to him.

(I would do that if you needed me to, you know.)

That is indeed unacceptable behavior on his part. Marriage is supposed to be FULL of compromises.

Redstone

[helderheid]

19. I think because he supports me financially, I am disadvantaged.

[Redstone]

27. I'll not argue that as a reason for you to not pick a fight.

I'll not tell you that you shouldn't consider that fact when you factor it into ANY decision that you make.

I'll not judge you.

We each of us order our lives, and do what we feel we must, for the reasons that we feel are important.

You may get some arguments about your reasoning in ths thread; you may even get people criticizing you for being "financially dependent," but listen to me: They don't live your life. Therefore, they can't criticize you for living ypur life as you do.

Redstone

[helderheid]

31. THANK YOU. with all my heart, thank you.

[orleans]

47. money isn't everything--especially if you're doing most everything else

i'm still back on your 6 p.m. dinner and 7 p.m. bedtime for kids

i don't see how people can do that--especially when one person is more loose and flexible and not as "anal-retentive" as the other (which it sounds to me like he is--no offense, but you know what i mean i hope)

how old are your kids?

maybe it's time to have "the talk" with him--explain that just because something isn't important to HIM doesn't mean it's not important to YOU and important to YOU that you share special things/moments with your kids every once in awhile.

and because of that he can't always get HIS OWN WAY, that he needs to learn to bend a little--just as you have done by putting up with the dinner/bedtime demand.

i'm guessing holidays (fourth of july fireworks and new years eve) must really drive him crazy. and summer. when the days are long and all the other kids are out catching lightening bugs when dusk comes.

does he work out of the house? i'm wondering how much time he spends with his children. my dad used to get home from work at 6 p.m. (sometimes later depending if the train was late or he had to stay at work a little later). if i had grown up with such a rigid bedtime i hardly would have seen him.

[AlCzervik]

18. he's that pissed? I'd just let alone for the night and then try and have a sit down

with him maybe tomorrow or another day when he's over it, and when i say sit down i mean actually talk about the real problem.

[helderheid]

20. good advice - thanks!

ETA - I was hoping makeup sex would be advised. DOH!

[AlCzervik]

21. good luck and i'm pulling for you ok.

[helderheid]

22. Thanks so much . :)

[helderheid]

24. I'm going to bed soon (the scary part). Thank you, DU, for your support. I love you.

[Redstone]

32. I revise what I said earlier in this thread. Listen to me: If going to bed is

"the scary part," you've entered the realm of Marriage Toxicity. And that realm can very quickly devolve into the Hell of Abusive Marriage.

When you're afraid to go to bed, it's Really bad.

You really should consider taking steps to save yourself and your children now, rather than later.

There may not be a "later" if you don't.

Redstone

[helderheid]

34. I'm sorry - I obviously misspoke. I am afraid of bed bcause it means we HAVE to talk. or not.

Nothing more.

[Redstone]

38. OK. I'll say no more, having misunderstood your problem twice already.

Redstone

[helderheid]

41. but your support means everything.

[Connonym]

28. oral sex

I'm kidding! seriously, just kidding! My ex and I often disagree about issues like that with our kids. Granted, I don't much care whether he's mad or won't talk to me but I hate getting lectures about it. I'm divorced obviously so I'm not in a position to give out marital advice. I personally think it's cool that you let them stay up to watch the speech and it will help them be better, more aware participants of democracy. :thumbsup: from me on that. Sometimes real life offers education far more valuable than what a child may miss in one day of school or from being tired and cranky during one day of school. I think your husband is being a bit childish not talking to you but for me personally that would be better than yelling. Hope you guys can come to some sort of accord on this because it sounds like it's very upsetting for you and that's not really very fair, especially because your motivation was good. :hug:

[helderheid]

30. I should be laughing at your title but I'm bawling from your message.

[Connonym]

37. :hug:

seriously, I think it's so cool that your kids helped participate in the whole process. I remember I was 10 the year Jimmy Carter was elected and I was so excited about the whole thing. It was the first I'd ever paid any attention to politics. I still remember sitting up the night of the convention with my dad and watching it and him talking about Ford and why he didn't want Ford to be elected. Being the Bicentennial year it was an exciting time to be an American kid learning about America but I really feel like that's a big part of why I'm still politically active today. My family has always been politically aware and it's something we discuss (interestingly we're divided on party lines by gender) but I'm the only one of the 5 of us who ever volunteers or participates in forums like this. I'm pretty sure it's because of Jimmy Carter and being that excited 10 year old girl. In 1996 Bill Clinton did a Labor Day speech in Milwaukee at the Milwaukee Labor Festival. Because I was a union member I got tickets and I took my 3 year old and my newborn. They don't remember that they got to hear the president speak but I've got pictures of them, one wearing a "Someday a woman will be president!" T shirt (remember the one Walmart refused to sell?) and the baby wearing a onsie with a little donkey on the front. Today my now-11 year old did a little victory dance around the room when they announced that Obama had won Wisconsin and she told me how cool it was going to be to have the first African-American president. Needless to say my heart swelled with pride and joy. Made all the sweeter by the fact that their father is a Bill O'Liely loving rethuglican :-D

I hope you and your DH can talk about it and come to an agreement. I don't know how old your kids are but it's never too soon to teach them how to be a good American.

[Dora]

33. Ask him if HE wants to stay up past HIS bedtime.

;)

[helderheid]

35. LOL!!!

:rofl:

Thanks!

:rofl:

[helderheid]

36. Listen all of you, you've helped me more than I can say. Your support means all the world to me!

:loveya:

[Robeson]

39. My parents used to let me stay up late to watch Johnny Carson and....

...Tom Snyder. Tell him, some things are just THAT important! :D

[JVS]

42. Tom Snyder? Important?

:rofl:

[Robeson]

43. Back in the day....

...you bet. Best interviews on television... :-)

[orleans]

46. yes. i was a teenager when the tomorrow show was an hour and a half long

i'd come home and my mom and i would sit together in the living room watching tom. she loved him. it was really nice time we'd spend together, catching up during commercials, talking.

great times.

[SeattleGirl]

49. How long have you been married?

I wonder because for the longest time, my husband thought we should continue to do together what he always did by himself -- spend lots of time with his family, etc. I finally put my foot down, and said that I was not willing to go to his parent's house every Sunday. I like my in-laws, but sometimes I had other things I wanted to do that day, and sometimes, I wanted to do nothing. He was pretty taken aback initially, but now is used to it. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don't, and he stopped going every week.

He's also a fabulous cook, but there are some things I just flat out don't like. He used to take it personally, as if there was something wrong with HIM, rather than it just being my own particular pickyness. He finally got used to that too, but man, it took a long time!

[BuelahWitch]

50. A very wise friend once said to me

"He'll either get over it or he won't." Meaning, more or less, it was his problem that he was mad, not mine. I guess that's another vote for "ignore him."
I also sent you a PM...:hi:

[girl_interrupted]

51. helderheid.... you don't say how old the children are

If they are in elementary school or younger, and both you and your husband have a agreed on a certain bedtime for the kids, I might understand why your husband would be annoyed. Annoyed, not angry. He probably feels it isn't benefical for the kids...maybe they have school the next day? You are excited about politics, he isn't, and maybe it might have been a good idea to consult with him, first, before keeping the kids up. If you do that in the future, there will be nothing to argue about later.

You say you don't work. Well...guess what? You do! Raising kids is no picnic, along with cooking, cleaning, laundry...the whole nine yards. Please don't put yourself down! If your husband is the one making you feel inferior, because you're a stay at home mom.. show him how much it would cost to hire a nanny and a housekeeper. Believe me, he would change his tune..and quick! You might not get a paycheck, but you still have a job.

It's good to talk things out. Don't let him bully you. Raising kids is something you share with your spouse, not something you take orders from him about. Between you and me...I don't think any man likes a woman how acts like a doormat. So don't be afraid to talk things out, whether its about the kids or not. When two people can't agree on something, talking may help you reach a compromise.

And dont be afraid to argue, now and again, unless you think this guy is going to get violent. If that's the case, you might consider counseling or...kicking his ass to the curb! But if he's not that type and just a bit anal, arguing can clear the air. And the make up sex is great! Good Luck!

[Drunken Irishman]

52. Your husband sounds like a typical Utah male.