Dilemma - Best friend with new unsuitable girl friend

[GoneOffShore]

So, my best friend is now dating after his divorce(She divorced him because of age difference (18 years) and that she didn't 'grow up' or have a chance to 'experience life' before she married him. ). And the woman he met and is dating is so unsuitable as to make me think she was raised by wolves.

If I were the only one who thought this, it wouldn't be an issue. I'd be tempted to just suck it up. Unfortunately, just about everyone who knows this guy in our circle of friends - 50, good looking, good job, own house, cooks, personable - thinks the same and only after meeting her twice. She's not going to grow on any of us.

He may be blinded by lust or the promise of it, but no one can figure out why cause she's just a little scary looking.

She's also socially inept, at least in my experience of her. (example - She's invited to a party and the dress was requested as 'casual' - not jeans and tshirt casual, but slacks and sweater casual. She shows up in an off the shoulder kept up by imagination dress and shoes that can only be described as 'Stripper heels'. "This is casual for me." Okay, maybe it's not a big thing, but is indicative of her general unsuitability.)

I also know that once his sister meets her the knives will come out. So, I'm inclined to not warn his sister and then call her after that meeting and then ask, "So, what do you think?"

I know this sounds terrible, but I really don't want to see my buddy get further into a relationship where he's going to get hurt. I also know that he can do much better. I am also kind of afraid to say anything to him for fear of fracturing our friendship.

[AlCzervik]

1. i guess he find her "Suitable" right? Really, i would stay out of it.

[GoneOffShore]

2. Yeah, I'm going to -

I'll wait for his sister to weigh in. Her opinion means a lot to him and as she's 'family' ( and they're a close knit Italian family) he'll take that into account.

[huskerlaw]

3. Stay out of it

Nothing good can come from getting involved. He'll either figure it out for himself, or he won't. But unless she's doing something horrible, like cheating on him, it's none of your business.

[Mugu]

4. You may diplomatically say something,

but there's little chance that he's going to hear you.

Regards, Mugu

[kwassa]

5. he is old enough to make his own mistakes

maybe there is a lesson here he needs to learn.

Don't give opinions unless he asks for them.

edit to add: is this a rebound relationship after the divorce? Many make mistakes here, out of loneliness and insecurity.

[GoneOffShore]

6. I know he is

And yes it may be a rebound relationship.

As the consensus here is fitting in with what I was basically feeling, I'm going to let it alone. And in the long term it may fail anyway as both parties are financially independent and seem to want their own "space".

[TrogL]

7. you try finding somebody "suitable" at that age

It's slim pickings out there.

[Phillycat]

8. I'm not sure I understand why you think she's "unsuitable"?

You don't approve of the way she dresses, is that it?

[redqueen]

9. The way she dressed for one party thing?

That's all you've got?

[AlCzervik]

14. if i can't go wearing jeans and a tshirt, i ain't goin!

[GoneOffShore]

19. Just an example

But having met this woman a couple of times now, the vibe is very strange. Not sympatico, almost asocial. As I said earlier "raised by wolves".

[Debi]

10. Wow, are you one of my husband's 'friends'?

Yep, that's what they said too. I was too young for him, didn't 'dress' right, didn't 'fit' into their crowd. And yet somehow he found me acceptable.

12 years later many of those 'friends' are no longer married and also no longer my husband's friends. The friends that cared about his happiness first and 'appearances' second are happy for us.

[GoneOffShore]

17. nope

This woman is the same age as he is.

There are other factors. Even people who don't know him that well have said - What was that about?

The appearance thing was an example, not the whole story.

[Dora]

11. Maybe he wants the ill-fitting girlfriend right now.

I think it makes sense that someone fresh from divorce might seek a short-term relationship with someone that's not a perfect match.

After all, the "suitable" mate just dumped him for self-development reasons. So, he finds a gal that isn't a close match, and in the process he's broadening his horizons, giving himself some space to grow. She wears stripper shoes... unless he starts sharing his bank accounts with her, my recommendation is that you not worry about it.

Don't criticize her to him unless he asks for your opinion. And when talking amongst your friends, try not to be mean-spirited about her, because eventually those sentiments will become apparent to your friend.

One more thing - try to find something to like about her. Something, anything.

[GoneOffShore]

20. Good advice

Interestingly enough without asking opinions, people have come to me asking "What's that about?"

I'm trying not to worry about it, but the concern is there. Eventually he'll ask me what I think and I will let him know about how I don't think she's an ideal fit. I certainly hope he doesn't start sharing finances with her.

[x-g.o.p.er]

12. Bravely run away,

and leave this alone.

If he asks for your opinion, maybe...MAYBE you can diplomatically say something like "what is it you like about her?", or "are you sure she's right for you?".

But if he doesn't ask, don't offer an opinion.

[NashVegas]

13. Don't Be a "C___ Blocker"

Your friend will come around on his own, eventually, and then you should be there so he'll have someone to trash her to.

[redqueen]

16. ...

:rofl:

[GoneOffShore]

18. That's what I'm hoping for.

I'm pretty sure it's what's going to happen.

[KitchenWitch]

15. She may only be the "Clean Up Hitter"

Sometimes a short term fling with someone "unsuitable" is just what a person needs to make a clean break from the old relationship.

[GoneOffShore]

21. I knew you would have comforting words.

I hadn't really thought in that direction.

In the meantime, I'll try not to ridicule her shoes.

[qwertyMike]

22. From the movie 'Moonstruck'

"We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect...the stars are perfect. Not us, not us. We are here to ruin ourselves, and to break our hearts, and love the wrong people, and...die! I mean the storybooks are bull s h i t! Now I want you to come upstairs, and and GET IN MY BED!"

Dunno why your post reminded me of that

Mike

[qwertyMike]

23. None of your business n/t

[SPKrazy]

24. don't get in the middle of it

who's to say what is and isn't okay?

it's his life

if he likes her, then let him have his time.

they are dating, not getting married right?

love is blind, deaf, and mute sometimes.

but love is great

my sig line says it best