OK, I gotta lighten up! I need a GOOD joke!

[yasmina27]

I've been spending far too much time (but not posts) over in GDP.

[Ptah]

1. How about some science news to get you back to reality?

A previously secret manned mission has been revealed by NASA.



They have sent a man to the sun.








Yes, that sun.

















We're are now switching to mission control

[truedelphi]

3. Lately, as it is tax time,I have been imagining an alternate universe where

NASA is run by the IRS.

The following scenarios might occur:

If you are about to embark on a manned mission to Mars, please first fill out form 3245, available on Alpa Centauri, if the alternate energy claims you are making are supported by the technical diagrams of your space vehicle's manual.

If they are not supported by the technical diagrams, only fill out page one of 3245.

Should you be embarking to Alpha Centauri to acquire needed tax forms, please fill out warp drive space acceleration statements and schedules 1041112 and 1041113, which can only be had on the Jupiterian moon of Io.

If you are a resident of the Jupiterian moom of Io, rememebr that no education tax credits can apply - after all, your children are attending IOU.

[Ptah]

7. I think I read that on postsecret.com recently.

[truedelphi]

9. But I just made it up... Two seconds before I POSTED IT.

All except the comment about the moon IO.

[Ptah]

11. Are you Isaac Asimov?

:shrug:

[truedelphi]

13. Not that I know of.

He wears boxers (or so I have heard) and I wear briefs. <just checked>

So I couldn't possibly be him!

[Bennyboy]

2. What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

>

>


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Kids won't eat broccoli!

[yasmina27]

4. Awesome everyone - keep 'em coming!

thanks!

[buzzard]

5. Here goes...

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Bennyboy]

6. LOL!

[Shine]

8. A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit together in the woods....

the bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit rolls his eyes at the bear's stupidity and says with a superior air, "No, not really."

And with that, the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.


:rofl: My kids looooove that one. :thumbsup:

[madinmaryland]

10. Here's an old favorite...

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

:evilgrin:

[Xipe Totec]

12. Ok, here's an old joke

[Bennyboy]

14. The bell ringer down at the monastary dies.....

so the monks put up a sign... "Bell ringer wanted".

The next day there is a knock on the door.

The monk opens the door and it is a guy with no arms.

The monk says "you don't have any arms, so you can't ring the bell"

The guy says, "hey I can ring that bell"
S
So the monk says "well we need a bell ringer so we'll give you a try".

Up the bell tower they go.

The Monk says "Ring that bell"

The guy runs up and smashes his head against the bell.

The bell rings,
but the guy is stunned so when the bell swings back it knocks the poor son of a bitch out of the bell tower and down on the street below.

The monk runs down to the street where he finds the guy laying there dead.

Just then a cop comes by and asks the monk "Do you know this guy?"

And the monk says "no, but his face sure rings bell"...

[Bennyboy]

16. Of course this does not solve the problem of no bell ringer

so the monks leave the sign up...
"Bell ringer wanted".

The next day there is a knock on the door.

The monk opens the door and it is another guy with no arms.

The monk says " I ahve been thorugh this before,you don't have any arms, so you can't ring the bell"

The guy says, "hey I can ring that bell"

So the monk says "well we still need a bell ringer so we'll give you a try".

Up the bell tower they go.

The Monk says "Ring that bell"

This guy guy runs up and smashes his head against the bell.

The bell rings,
but the guy is stunned so when the bell swings back it knocks the poor son of a bitch out of the bell tower and down on the street below.

The monk runs down to the street where he finds the guy laying there dead.

Just then the same cop comes by and asks the monk "Again? Do you know this guy?"

And the monk says "no, but he is a dead ringer for that guy yesterday"...

[cloudbase]

15. Okaaaaaaay. . .

One day, when a carpenter was working next to a river, his hammer fell into the water. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My child, what is wrong?" The carpenter replied that his only hammer had fallen into the water and that he needed it so that he could keep working and make a living for his family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a solid gold hammer with a handle wrapped in rich, brown leather. "Is this your hammer?" the Lord asked. The carpenter replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a platinum hammer with a handle set with diamonds. "Is this your hammer?" the Lord asked. Again, the carpenter replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a plain, worn out iron hammer. "Is this your hammer?" the Lord asked. The carpenter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three hammers to keep, and the carpenter went home happy.

Some years later, the carpenter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "What is wrong child?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked." Yes," cried the carpenter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The carpenter replied, "Oh, forgive me my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, you would have come up with Beyonce. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Angelina. And so the Lord let him keep her.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

[cloudbase]

17. And another, just because I can.

Two elderly women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this fav or for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.

[spindrifter]

18. Here's one--

Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said..."Where did you get such a great bike?"... The second student replied..."Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike...she threw the bike to the ground and took off all her clothes and said....take what you want." The first engineering student nodded approvingly...."Good choice...the clothes probably would not have been a good fit".

[spindrifter]

19. And here's another

A very elderly couple at a nursing home found themselves sitting on the same bench behind some shrubs on the lawn of the nursing home.....Fred started up a conversation with Hazel and eventually the topic of sex came up.....Fred said to Hazel...."I sure would love to have sex, but with my crippled arthritis I just couldn't manage it.......but it would be nice if someone would just hold my "manhood".......well, Hazel replied...."I can do that for you"...so she reached into his pants and held his "manhood". They continued to meet on the same bench for several weeks...and then one day Hazel came to the bench and Fred was not there. Alarmed that something may have happened to Fred...Hazel looked around to see if she could find Fred .....To Hazel's surprise she saw Fred at a nearby bench with another woman who was holding Fred's "manhood"........Hazel was lived and yelled....."Why you two timing old fart...what has she got that I don't have".....and Fred replied with a smile on his face...."Parkinson's"