My friend's husband is a creepy jerk.

[Darth_Kitten]

ugh. But she will have him. :eyes:

Guy's a creepy zero who was seeing prostitutes for years. Friend is scared to tell about her credit card bill because hubby keeps a tight reign on the finances and gives her an allowance. She makes practically what I make.

He spend like $500 a pop on hookers and she can't spend any money? She's afraid he's going to hit her (she called the police the last time he did)

Geez.......

[supernova]

1. Get her to set up her own bank account

and deposit her check there.

She needs to be making get away plans pronto.

And find a restraining order.

[Shakespeare]

3. Exactly what I was going to say.

SHE controls her paycheck--and she needs to assume control of it immediately. What a hideous situation. :-(

[Darth_Kitten]

6. No, it sounds like he does.........

this weasel always gives me the creeps. Ick.

[Shakespeare]

13. Does her office give her check directly to him?

If not, then he doesn't control it. She has to find the courage to either stop handing the check to him or change the direct deposit instructions for her check.

She badly needs to understand that she DOES control her paycheck. That first bit of power might be what starts her on the road to freedom from this asshole.

[redqueen]

14. Or it could land her in the hospital.

Best not to be too flippant with these situations.

[Shakespeare]

17. I'm not being flippant. I was in a similar situation.

Not with control over a paycheck, but with abuse. She needs to make solid plans to find a different place to stay, then take control of her paycheck.

[redqueen]

20. Same here... and agreed... but first things first.

Making changes to their routine re: her income without having the other plans already laid is asking for trouble.

[Darth_Kitten]

16. All cheques are directly deposited into our chequing accounts.....

she SHOULD up and leave him. Hell, she has grounds.

Guy spends lots on porn as well. He's a class A jerk.

[Darth_Kitten]

4. Don't think she's going to do that anytime soon..........

:(

[supernova]

9. Actually she does

She just hasn't realized it yet.

And he depends on her not realizing it.

Depends on how far down she's willing to follow this asshole.

:-(

[Darth_Kitten]

28. hmmmm.......that's food for thought.

:)

[redqueen]

2. *sigh*

That's so sad.

I completely understand her fear, though. I hope she can find the strength to get away from the asshole, and enjoy her life.

[Darth_Kitten]

10. She's a nice person.......

she doesn't need this bum. :(

[redqueen]

11. And she knows it...

she's just afraid... and for good reason. Many women end up dead after trying to get away from abusive or controlling spouses. It's important that she knows she has support... and that she doesn't feel rejected by her friends due to her taking a long time to do anything about it. It's very hard.

[Gormy Cuss]

5. It's very hard to see a friend in that situation.

If you think you can convince her to do so, get her to do as supernova suggested. Being scared to tell your spouse of bills and having a spendthrift spouse put you on an allowance are not good signs. Add to that the fear of hitting and this sound like a nightmare waiting to happen.

[Amerigo Vespucci]

7. 2 immediate reactions to that.

1). "Smart women, foolish choices."

2). "Smart men, foolish choices."

It's a big blue beautiful world filled with women who ROCK.

It's a big blue beautiful world filled with women who SUCK.

It's a big blue beautiful world filled with men who ROCK.

It's a big blue beautiful world filled with men who SUCK.

The secret is never, never, NEVER "settling" for anything less than you DESERVE, which is the BEST.

:toast:

[mtnester]

8. If she is hiding credit card charges from him

this is a serious deal. There are only two reasons to do that

1. She is compensating by shopping her ass off and has run the card through the roof or she is hiding something she is doing wrong

2. She is scared of him


Either one is bad. Do you have an idea which it is?

[Darth_Kitten]

12. It's just a couple of thousand dollars on a credit card.

She's looking into getting a loan to cover it.

He apparently gets a tight reign over things. He can spend 500 a pop on hookers but she has to account for every cent?

It doesn't sound like an open honest marriage. No wonder I fear the institution, I could never be with a man who controls me. :(

[mtnester]

15. I think you are right

it is really sad at times that people will live a relationship like that...usually inseucrities (I am not slamming your friend, I wish she were happier is all)

[Darth_Kitten]

21. She IS making the choice to stay.........

nobody can make her choices for her, she's a grown woman. :( She's got a lot of qualities....very kind and giving.

And the thing is, she's worried about this, and she just went to her Grandma's funeral yesterday. What a putz he is. :(

[styersc]

18. Almost a universal formula: Many good women choose crappy

men.

Many deccent me end up dying alone.

[Darth_Kitten]

32. I just couldn't invest the energy in a crappy man......

would rather zonk out in front of the t.v. with a nice glass of wine.....or read a book in a hot bubble bath. :D

[styersc]

42. You seem to have figured out the secret of life.

Find out what you like and if you're lucky enough to find an equitable partner who enjoys the same things-you have found a jewel. If you don't find someone, you have found the things you enjoy. A win/win.

I guess too many "settle".

[flvegan]

19. Hold on...she's still with him, why?

Prostitutes and physical violence. Can't think of two better reasons to dump a guy.

[Darth_Kitten]

23. I don't know.

:shrug:

It baffles me. :(

[supernova]

30. Some reasons--

None of which are true, but are believed at the time:

1) I'm afraid to be alone. Some folks genuinely don't know how to be their own best company. In fact it scares them so much, they'd rather be with "the devil they know" than face sleeping alone and generally being out on their own, taking care of themselves.

2)No one will ever love me again. They feel unattractive and unlovable. Because the SO tells them so daily, so it must be true, right?

3) If I just try harder, he'll stop. If it just keep house better. If I just work harder and make more money, we can be a real couple and start to plan a future. If I just don't make him angry, he'll treat me better.

4) He has so many problems, but surely he loves me more, even if he doesn't express it. Deep down he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me; I just know it.


Ugh. Hard to believe I used to buy into that shitty thinking too.

[Darth_Kitten]

35. I've never been in this kind of situation.......

with a lousy partner, so can only imagine. :(

[supernova]

38. It is very difficult

and very necessary to reframe your experience into something that is more positive and lovable of you.

Friends really can help to remind us that we are people worth knowing and caring about. So, you are doing a good thing just by being her friend. Keep doing that.

:pals:

[Darth_Kitten]

40. Yes, I'll be her friend........

Just hope there is a happy resolution to this.

[youthere]

22. Save up, and get her a gift certificate next Christmas...for a good divorce attorney.

What a creep. I have a friend like that. A sweet woman who is married to a self-centered infantile control freak. She has to be at work at 4:30 every morning...he works part time. He stays up half the night viewing internet porn and then wakes her up and forces her to "take care of him". I told her a pair of bolt cutters would take care of him...permanently.

[supernova]

24. ...

:rofl:

I once had to restrain myself from throwing my STBE off a 3rd Floor balcony.

The idea of his potentially broken body writhing helplessly on the ground all akimbo filled me with much glee.

/black humor

[youthere]

25. hell hath no fury...eh?

[supernova]

26. Yep

He never dared to bother me after that.

;-)

[youthere]

29. And rightly so.

[Darth_Kitten]

27. I'll work on helping her......but I like the part about the bolt cutters....

LOL....

for some of the shit that's gone on in my life, one thing I'm thankful for is that I've NEVER been scared to tell any guy who's a bully, creep, etc, not to mess with me.

Men exactly haven't been "there" for me, well, my entire life, so I'm not going to go out on a limb for any of them, especially one who's a putz. :)

[youthere]

31. Maybe just get her a pair of bolt cutters LOL!.

[Darth_Kitten]

33. that's rather a snippy comment.

;) :rofl: :rofl:

[youthere]

34. But it did cut straight to the heart of the matter.

:rofl:

[Darth_Kitten]

37. I'm bolting outta here!

:D

[supernova]

36. Shocking!

[Darth_Kitten]

39. another idea.

:evilgrin:

[lunatica]

41. Sounds like he's threatened her if she leaves

That's one of the thing abusive husbands do. His iron grip on the finances is another form of control. He's obviously doing everything in the How To Be An Abusive Husband book. If he finds out she's talking to you he will start to force her to alienate you. That's trick #3. Alienate the wife from family and friends.

So while he has her trying to act in a way that will please him so he doesn't hit her he will only get worse. This is not just an opinion. Studies and many a sad ending are testimony to this. It never gets better, and someday he could kill her, so those who say the wife's most dangerous time is when she leaves are forgetting that staying pretty much guarantees a ending that's just as bad.

The best recourse for you is to educate her about the battered wife syndrome and how the narcissistic bully behaves. Most women who are battered and abused think they're the only ones or that they can control the situation by 'behaving' so their husbands don't get angry. The fact is, the anger is always there and will find more minor things to use as an excuse to explode.

I know all about it having lived it myself. Once she has people who will protect her legally the husband usually wimps right down. Most of them only act out around their wives who are weaker. They're mostly cowards at heart.

Believe me, hitting become beatings in time. And it doesn't stop there. Her life will be in danger anyway if she stays.

[ThomCat]

43. I hope you can help her get out of there.

:(

She needs her own bank account and control over her own money. She needs to get away from anyone who hits her.

He's not just creepy. He's dangerous.

[TreasonousBastard]

44. She needs to get away right now, but...

she doesn't fully understand how dangerous her situation is. Don't ask me why, but this is happening all over-- it's way too common ans seems to follow a pattern.

You're in Canada, so I don't know how the systems up there work, but down here there is no governmental organization that will help at this point. What we have are women's shelters and networks that try to get them out of the situation. If you have anything like that up there, get in touch with them immediately and tell them of the situation.

It's a big job to get her to admit she has to get out and give her a safe place to go, so you probably can't do it yourself and need this help. Whatever you do, though, don't take the attitude that it's none of your business or you can't help. It is your business to try to save her life.

[applegrove]

45. Gross.