I need advice please!!! Or just support. I don't know what to do.

[Qanisqineq]

This is a thread I started in the Divorce/Separation forum. People rarely visit it so I copied it here so if I say "old thread" or "in here", it is referring to two old threads in that forum.

I have a thread in here on joint bank accounts and him not showing me what is going on. It's old though. I've gone back and forth with him on getting access to the accounts. He showed me the account statements online a while ago. Then the password changed and I forgot about it. Then he finally gave it to me again a few days ago. Right now he is out of town. I went to his computer and looked at his messenger. There is a woman's email address in the Contacts list. I called him and he said he didn't know how it got there. There are emails saying, "I saw your profile picture, contact me!" He says they are spam -- could be. How do I know? If you scroll down through the threads in this forum you will find one where he was cheating on me a year ago while in GA.

So, I do some more digging. On his computer is a link to a site where people write stories about their sexlife. Like the Penthouse or Hustler or whatever stories. He is a PAYING member. I find out his screen name as he has it saved on the site. I do a search online of this name. Two links. His profile is up at a BDSM site. He says, "SEEKING WOMEN FOR ACTIVE PARTICIPATION in Georgia". He told me all old accounts of any sort were deleted. And he said "I just went to a chat site to meet friends" (about this next site --> ). The other site is the site she told me she met him on. Account still there but I need a password to see it. I don't know when the last time either of these has been accessed; one says "more than 3 months ago" and the other I can't see.

I go to the bank statements. A recurring charge to some place called ifriends. Apparently a webcam place HOWEVER I dont' know if he actually used/uses it because there are a shitload of complaints against this place for fraud charges. Then there's another monthly charge to some bondage forum. WTF? When does he visit these? Then there are a shitload of charges through what I believe are online payment services: Chargepayonet; CCBill.com; INICIS internet. I can't even find out what these are for!

What do I do? I want to leave NOW but I live in KOREA. My family has plane tickets to come see me in May! I don't know how to get out of here. I don't know what to do. I am so scared.

Do I contact a lawyer? If so, what do I say? I only have the option of JAG lawyers.


http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=301&topic_id=490&mesg_id=490

[marzipanni]

1. I can only offer this website which has a good reputation for being helpful

I hope things work our for you. :hug:
http://www.nolo.com/resource.cfm/catID/BC93B1DE-97D2-44DB-87F20B0350BA0643/118/246/

[sandnsea]

2. Red Cross or the base chaplain

And maybe your family can trade their tickets in for one for you to come home.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

3. This sounds like sound advice. I would agree that she go to

family. However, I would start divorce proceedings first so that she can not be charged with desertion. Laws are different from state to state. Get advice. I would also suggest a therapist. Good luck. :hug:

[Qanisqineq]

4. I'm sorry I didn't make it clear

He's in the military, I'm a civilian. So it should be easy to go home, right? No, I have tons of stuff here and I would have to pay to get it moved back and taking all my pets alone and picking up my car in LA and driving it home and finding a place and a job, etc. I just feel so betrayed (again) and overwhelmed that just going to the store right now seems like an impossible chore.

I was just coming up on the 1 year mark of him cheating on me, feeling uncomfortable with the memories, trying to get past that period of time, and lo-and-behold what do I find? Not proof of a physical affair but at least emotional cheating. And money going god-only-knows where

[Tuesday Afternoon]

5. You might want to consider taking money out of the account to

hire an independent lawyer. He/She can help walk you through the process. Pack your stuff and have it shipped at his expense. You are also going to have to get real honest with yourself and your priorities. What is more important? Your sanity or your things? Not to be harsh, but in starting a new life it is not easy. I know, I have done it twice. This is all I am willing to share in public forum. If you think I can be of more help, I will be glad to talk with you via PM.

[Qanisqineq]

6. I don't even know how

to contact the base chaplain or how I'd find that information. He's never even given me any emergency numbers I can call for anything. I really know no one, except a few Koreans I've met, here at all. I am very alone. He's really kept me isolated from anything to do with the military. I know nothing about it except where to buy groceries and stuff.

[FalconsRule]

7. Are you on base?

And do you know what unit he is in?

[Qanisqineq]

8. we live off post

outside the military base. I know what unit he is in only because it is part of our mailing address. I know I sound totally pathetic but I just never really had to know much about things on post so I didn't bother.

[FalconsRule]

9. Ok, if you know what unit he is in,

hopefully you have the name and number of his First Sergeant (if he's enlisted) or his Squadron Commander (if he's an officer). For some reason I'm assuming you're Air Force. Do you have that information?

Also, can you get to the base by yourself?

[Qanisqineq]

11. I can get on base myself

but I have no idea who his first sergeant is (husband is E-5). Not a clue. I know a Major he works with only because the guy is our age and is pretty nice. That's it. I know no one. Oh, and he's army.

[FalconsRule]

12. Okay, here's what you need to do.

Go to your husband's First Sergeant and tell him what is going on. (Your major friend can get you to the First Sergeant). Tell the First Sergeant of your wish to go home ASAP. Your husband's unit can authorize Early Return of Dependants and ship your stuff back home at Government cost. If the First Sergeant seems unwilling to help, (I'd be shocked at that, though) you need to ask him to see your husband's Battalion Commander. They WILL help you.

Good luck.

[Qanisqineq]

13. the problem is

I'm not command sponsored. That's why I'd have to pay to have my stuff sent home. That's also why we live off post. They shipped our stuff here, but they won't pay for me to go back alone. Only when he goes back. Sucks big time.

Thanks for your help though. Right now he is out in the field for a couple weeks. I tell him I found the old sites online that he used (still uses?) and ask about the charges and he yells at me. Tells me it isn't about me anymore. What that is supposed to mean, I'll never know. We have a joint checking account that I have no access to and only after nagging and nagging got the info to look at it online. (I do have a separate checking account that he allots some money to) Even though it's joint, I'm not allowed to know what the money is being spent on. Not ALLOWED. If I contact the bank for a debit card of my own, or anything that comes in the mail -- he has the only mailbox key and I can't get the mail.

[FalconsRule]

14. You're not command sponsored...

Damn! That makes things a lot tougher, but NOT insurmountable.

You still need to go see his First Sergeant. It's possible he/she can help you get a grant or low-interest loan from Army Emergency Relief to get you AND your stuff back home.

The first step is to see the leadership in his unit. Command sponsored or not, they WILL help you.

[Lars39]

15. Ask at the gate for directions.

They can at least steer you towards the building the chaplain is in. :hug:

[hippywife]

10. Do whatever you need to do

to get out of there and get home. Things are just things. They can be replaced, or not. They are not important in this equation. It sounds like the isolation is a control tactic. Get with your family and see what they can or want to do about their travel plans and make some of your own. Seriously, it sounds like he has little respect for you or your marriage.

I wish you all the best. I know it must be scary to be so far away with no one to lean on. But steel yourself and do whatever you must. :hug:

[MissMillie]

16. Just a thought

but maybe your family would be willing to exchange their tickets to Korea for a ticket for you to go home. Then it's just a matter of your stuff.

I'm sure if your family knew how unhappy you are, they'd want to help. And that's what familes are for.

[Sweet Freedom]

17. You've been dealing with this for months...

I remember a post last year about your joint accounts. Absolutely contact a lawyer. File for divorce and have your joint accounts frozen. Then launch discovery to uncover the answers to all of your questions above.

A lawyer will be able to tell you what rights you do and don't have. Do yourself a favor and call someone ASAP. Wondering and speculating are exhausting (I know, I'm going through a divorce as well). You might have to make a few calls before you can find someone to assist you with your international situation, but you will find someone, and you will immediately feel relieved and less terrified.

Good luck to you. :hug:

[Qanisqineq]

18. Just when things seem to be turning around

I catch him with more secrets and more lies. It just never ends. So much for that counseling he's been promising for the last year. His excuse was always, "I'm too busy with work."

Right now I am just exhausted and numb.