I think I want a divorce...after 19 years

[greenbriar]

I really can't stand to be in the same room with hubby


he grates on my ever last nerve


he is gruff, harsh with our 16 year old

he drinks WAY too much


he is racist, homophobic and mean

he uses the N word the F word the G word the Q word and always hateful


he makes sex such a big deal that I could care less if I ever have it ever again

and he pouts like a baby if I say no because it is 1 AM and I have to get up at 5:30 AM to deal with 170 8th graders all day...


He has never physically hurt me...it would be easy then to leave

but I think emotional abuse sometimes is worse???


BUT>>> I can't afford to live on my own ... we have too many bills

[quakerboy]

1. I think you might be my aunt n/t

[BarenakedLady]

2. I hear ya

BELIEVE me, I hear ya.

:hug:

[crim son]

5. ...

:hug:

[soleft]

3. Is the 16 year old your youngest?

[greenbriar]

6. our only

and she is a SR next year in High School

[soleft]

7. Beyond the point where counseling would help?

Tho, by your description, doesn't sound like he'd be open to it. Any chance he'd like to move on and would make financial concessions to make that happen?

[crim son]

4. Welcome to my world.

Housewife for seventeen years, currently looking for a job because I'm getting a divorce. I'm scared shitless.

[Biscottiii]

33. Have you checked out Sam's Club, if looking for a job?

My Sister (age 54 and getting no hits on her job search) got a parttime ?30hr/wk? job a couple of weeks ago there. In AZ, it started at $9.50hr/$10.50Sundays, decent pay for a right-to-work state. After a year, medical benefits I think she said. She had been out of the workforce for years. Caregiver for her Mother-in-law, then caregiver for her husband who died about 5 yrs ago. Babysitting grandkids. She ended up using her Kid's friends as reference (yeah, she babysat their friends' babies all too). But Sam's is quite open to Baby Boomer age people. Just saying, that's one place to check out. She said the time flies so fast, she's pretty encouraged. At least it gets her back into the workforce. If she doesn't like it, it's a start to finding something else.

[greenbriar]

37. I have a good job...I am a teacher

we just have high student loans

[Biscottiii]

38. Actually, I was responding to the lady @ #4, Not sure how to do this all, I'm a Newby

"4. Welcome to my world.
Housewife for seventeen years, currently looking for a job because I'm getting a divorce. I'm scared shitless."

In YOUR case, that's good that you're solidly already in the job force. It's not easy trying to get in after years outside the track.

[Orangepeel]

52. you did it right, Biscottiii. Welcome to DU!

:hi:

:hug: to the OP (that stands for "original poster" for the newbies)

[Biscottiii]

57. Thank you for the welcome, PLUS the explanation. I thought maybe OP stood for 'Operating Procedure.

Everything's whizzing so fast, I probably chose a bad time to begin posting. Will be grateful when all the contortions are finished and we Dems can head to the GE.

[tishaLA]

75. hi bisc!

how are you? long time no see....

[hunter]

8. Don't worry about bills if you are miserable.

They don't matter that much.

(Oh my! The things I've learned by having medical bills I can't pay, even though we've always had insurance. Great healthcare system we have here in the USA, I've joined the ranks of people who just don't give a shit about credit ratings, investments, retirement plans, new cars, and all that garbage...)

Worst happens, I go crazy and my wife throws me out of the house, whatever, maybe someone will let me sleep on their sofa until I'm functional again.

:woohoo:

Ain't worth being miserable over money. If your husband realizes you are free to walk, perhaps by demonstrating it, "Hey honey, me and the kid are taking off on an adventure next week, there's frozen burritos in the fridge!" then maybe he takes notice, or maybe not.

To yourself be true, and protect your kid from mean drunks.

[Bucky]

54. Amen. I'm a teacher and a single parent.

We don't live high on the hog, but we do okay and I'm way way saner than when I was married.

[Lorien]

67. I agree. I'm single and have over 30k in medical debt

but I would never hook up with someone who drove me nuts just to make survival easier. I've done that before and it was horrible.

[Critters2]

9. Everytime I get feeling all depressed because I'm not married,

I'm going to read this post!!

[AlCzervik]

11. really?

it's not about you.

[Inchworm]

10. I wish it were easy

it aint.

:cry:

[greenbriar]

12. he is so insecure

and there is not a day that goes by that he doesn't say


what are pissed off about...

and I am rarely mad

but if I am not all smiles and giggles every second...



then there is the pawing

I hate being mauled all the time

a simple hug goes to groping and I really don't like it


when I walk away he gets angry


grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Critters2]

14. Can you talk about it at all? Tell him you don't like the pawing and groping?

Any chance he'd listen?

[jberryhill]

66. Wow...

...all I can say is that if I got to the point where either my wife or I didn't like pawing and groping, we'd be well past time for a divorce.

[qwertyMike]

13. Dear God

If it goes to court (quickly) mention the word "alcohol" - the walls will rattle.
You say WE have too many bills, no HE has.
Get a lawyer, even if it's Legal Aid

Trust me

Move fast

Mike

[NightWatcher]

15. if you need any advice or have any questions that a private investigator could help with

PM and I'll try to help.

I deal in divorce and general personal misery and I try to make it a little better...

[greenbriar]

16. other than is addiction to porn and his visit to smut bars

I have no doubt he has ever been unfaithful




I just can't stand him anymore

[AlCzervik]

17. GB, i hope you can figure a way to get out or get him out, it's no good for your

mental health or your daughter's.

:hug:

[greenbriar]

19. but I feel bad because he loves me...he just doesn't know how to love

he sends me flowers at least 3 times a year at work

I got a georgeous new wedding ring set for christmas

We are going on a cruise next week...

but I am afraid he will drink entirely too much on the cruise and it will be me proping his ego up the entire time

[AlCzervik]

20. i understand but you can't make him better you know, i know you want to

but the drinking, thats all him. I really hope you can work out the best solution for you and your girl and please know you'll be in my thoughts, ok?

[NightWatcher]

18. take care of yourself and get to a better situation

be 'selfish' and do what makes you happy.

good luck

[Haole Girl]

21. I hope you find the inner strength you need...

..when you need it... either way. :hug:

[Mike03]

22. Your post really speaks to me.

I was on the other end of a divorce, so the thoughts you are expressing here are very helpful. Thank you for sharing them, from the bottom of my heart.

[greenbriar]

24. I am sorry

I really don't know what to do



there must be some love somewhere or I would already be gone


but...

[FloridaJudy]

23. My advice would be to get out now

And take your child with you. I say this because if he continues drinking things are never going to get better, and may become a lot worse. Is the 16 year old your only child? That would make it a little easier, but even if you have younger ones, I'd still urge you to leave this relationship.

You might want to check out Al-Anon. A lot of people there have had to bail on emotionally abusive relationships, and could advise you about ways to do it and survive financially. In the meantime, here's a hug.

[Critters2]

25. I second Al-Anon. nt

[greenbriar]

26. she is our only

he only wanted one...I didn't know that


opps...got to go for now...he is being all nosy

[greenbriar]

27. I gotta go for now...

please leave your advice / thoughts...

I will check back when I am not being pestered!

[GreenPartyVoter]

28. :^( Here's some clarity to help you think things through and some strength to

follow through on whatever you decide :hug:

[madeline_con]

29. Maybe it all stems from the drinking.

Have you talked to him about trying to quit?

[Shine]

30. Sounds like the love is gone and you don't respect him anymore

have you considered couples' counseling....or at least getting some on your own to help get some clarity about how to proceed?

The drinking thing concerns me. If there's addiction issues going on, that adds a whole different level of complication.

Whatever happens, I wish you the very best, greenbriar. :hug:

My oldest, a boy, is an 8th grader. I gotta hand it to you teachers. :toast: I sure as hell couldn't do it.

[elleng]

31. You've got a job,

and if he does too, seems that a separation, temporary or otherwise, might help.

Do you think his aggravating behavior is caused by drinking, or just the way he is? Do you think things would be appreciably better if he were to stop drinking? Is he ABLE to stop, do you think?

Speak with a lawyer/counselor, check out rooms to rent; sometimes just taking some action helps the way one feels.

Good luck.

[orleans]

32. time to fly. n/t

[Biscottiii]

34. Wish I could offer you something more, but GOOD LUCK!

Not an easy situation. But these kind people seem to have reasonable suggestions. I can TOTALLY appreciate your frustration!

[Breeze54]

35. You must have been thinking about this for awhile.....

That's my guess. :hug:

You have a job. That's a good thing and your daughter

isn't a baby anymore. Two good things in your column. ;)

I saw above that someone suggested counseling... for YOU!

I agree with that. You talking this out with a professional

could help you decide to make a move and make a plan to go.

It sounds like your afraid to even approach him with this.

If you are afraid of him, there are shelters that will help you.

Just GO and figure out the rest after you get out of there.

You don't want your daughter thinking that behavior is okay, do you?

I hope you will at least call the number below and talk to someone.

Call from work on a pay phone or the office phone, not your cellphone or home phone.

I hope this helps some but no one deserves to be treated like a piece of meat or property.


Abuse is a pattern of coercive control that one person exercises over another.
Battering is a behavior that physically harms, arouses fear, prevents a partner
from doing what they wish or forces them to behave in ways they do not want.

Battering includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation,
emotional abuse and economic deprivation.

Read more... http://www.ndvh.org/educate/index.html


How is your relationship?

http://www.ndvh.org/index.php

Does your partner:

* Embarrass you with put-downs?

* Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

* Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?

* Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?

* Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?

* Make all of the decisions?

* Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?

* Prevent you from working or attending school?

* Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?

* Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?

* Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?

* Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?

* Force you to try and drop charges?

* Threaten to commit suicide?

* Threaten to kill you?

If you answered 'yes' to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.

For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline

at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Hotline Services Include:

Crisis intervention, safety planning, information about domestic violence and referrals
to local service providers

A direct connection to domestic violence resources available in the caller’s area provided
by a Hotline advocate

Assistance in both English and Spanish with Hotline advocates having access to more than
140 different languages through interpreter services

*** Safety Alert ***

Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your
internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, call your
local hotline, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

[yardwork]

40. This is good information.

I'm hesitant to give advice, but since you asked, I'll share my own experience.

I am divorced. I left for different reasons. My husband is a really nice person, but even so, I realized that I had to leave. I had been a stay-at-home mom for fifteen years, so it took me a while to find a job, but I did. Supporting myself feels great.

Women are taught to fear being self-sufficient. We're taught that we'll be "lonely." Guess what? I love living on my own! I love being self-sufficient! I have a partner but she and I have our own places and our own, completely separate, economic structures. I'll never share a bank account with another person again. I'm not lonely - I'm empowered!

Seriously, when I curl up at night in my own bed with my cat, sometimes with my sons sleeping in the next room, other times knowing that they are safe in their dad's house, I feel completely at peace. I feel happy. I feel serene.

Everybody has debt. That's a lousy reason to stay with someone you don't like. We only have a short time on earth. Do you want to spend it married to an abusive drunk? I know that sounds harsh, but that's what you describe - an abusive drunk. Yes, emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse.

I recommend that you talk with a counselor and a lawyer. Best of luck to you!

[Callalily]

36. Sounds like a sad

situation. You've gotten some great advice above, so I'm just sending you hugs and strength! :hug: :hug: :hug:

[xchrom]

39. the only advice i have is this -- life is too short to suffer like this.

seriously we are gone before you know it -- and this is not what you want to look back on.

it's painful -- and it can be expensive to change -- but far more so to continue on as you are.

rally your forces and forge ahead -- in the long run you'll be glad you did.

[youthere]

41. I second that...

Life is too short, and no one deserves to live like that. Don't let bills keep you from doing what's best for you. There are ways to work through those, and your well-being (and that of your daughter) is so much more important than a knock to your credit rating. And here's some food for thought... you walking might be just the wakeup call HE needs to get help.

[MorningGlow]

42. Oh dear I'm sorry you're so unhappy

You are definitely in a rough situation, and you have my sympathy and warm wishes that it works out well for you very soon.

I'm also sorry that I sniped at you in my kindergarten thread--I had no idea you were having a rough time in your personal life. A good lesson when conversing on DU, no? We never know what's going on in other posters' lives.

Sending you light and support, greenbriar, for a happy future for you and your daughter.

Peace. :hug:

[Javaman]

43. Given your lovely description of your hubby, why did it take you this long? nt

[MissMarple]

44. It might be an idea to talk with a counselor and an attorney. You need a plan...

one that will move you and the ones you love forward in a positive direction. :hug:

[Sequoia]

45. Emotional abuse

just chips away at the spirit. And I'll bet he yells if you don't agree with him on things. You know, he's right and the world is wrong.

[greenbriar]

46. pretty much

we alter our life around his moods

[Sequoia]

47. Just push him down a hill and drive away.

There must be 50 way to leave your lover.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know pretty much how you feel.

[greenbriar]

48. thats kind of funny

when he goes out drinking with his buddy, I think sometimes it woudl be easier if he didn't come home...(alive)


isn't that AWEFUL

[MissMarple]

51. And taking a note from Sequoia....

The Dixie Chicks "Goodby Earl". Just in case. ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GovJ4jAnr14

[trueblue2007]

49. I think I want a divorce after 20 years.

I think we are married to the same man.

[lost-in-nj]

50. sorry to hear this

Don't do anything until you have a plan....
go see a lawyer and maybe make up a financial plan and a separation agreement...
do you have relatives you could live with until your on your feet??
Also check with a lawyer about abandonment laws in your state...
If you just up and leave it could go against you in a divorce....

good luck

:hug:

lost

[Bucky]

53. What's the G word?

Am I really that out of it?

[Tess49]

70. I was wondering the same thing. Figured if I had to ask, that

maybe I didn't really want to know.

[Random_Australian]

76. From context, I presume that it refers to a racial slang against asian people.

Its kinda old now though.

[greenbriar]

55. so now he has decided he doesn't want me to watch politics on TV

because he is tired of hearing me talk about it


uhhhhh dear......I teach Social Studies and Government...duh

[greenbriar]

56. yea cause he would rather watch heff in bed with a bunch of bimbos

ugggggggggggg

[shaniqua6392]

58. Emotional abuse slowly kills your spirit.

Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you are both going to couples counseling immediately. If he refuses to go, you will have your answer.

[greenbriar]

59. I think he would go because I know he loves me

and I am pretty sure he really doesn't realize he is killing my spirit...



he is so insecure


I blame his step father for that...



he is always quick to say Its not my fault.

I think his step father made him feel lower than dirt. I have seen it in action


I would have killed the SOB had he talked to my kid that way

[harmonicon]

60. It sounds to me like there's a chance

Either you've made up your mind and you're just trying to psyche yourself up to make the jump, or things can be worked out - or you could at least try to work them.

I've never been married, so my advice probably isn't the best, but I have lots of friends who are married, and my parents have been for 40+ years, and I know that there can be hard times in those years.

I have friends who are married and have kids (one the wife had before the marriage with a different father who's passed away). The wife's drinking became so bad that the husband left one day and was gone for weeks. It really seemed like it was over. However, they did go to counseling, and she did stop drinking. He stopped to, to help her along, and their marriage is much better now than it ever has been.

Obviously you two love each other. If that made 17 years of togetherness worth it, the possibility of another 17 that could be even better (a lot better) might very well be worth a year, or years, spent in counseling. I also imagine that he'd stop drinking if you really wanted him to, and he really UNDERSTOOD that. We men can be awfully dense at times, and fail to notice when our better half is pointing out a little pet peeve vs. something that is deeply troubling to them and on the verge of destroying the relationship.

[shaniqua6392]

61. Sit him down and tell him how much you love him

and how much you want things to work out. He was emotionally abused and he has turned into an abuser. He probably does not even realize it. You both need a therapist that specializes in abuse issues. I was abused physically/emotionally as a child by my father and brother. I grew up an married a violent abuser without even realizing what I was doing. My little girl and I barely got out with our lives. But I did get help. I read tons of books on abuse and saw a therapist for a few years. I met and married an awesome guy and we have a great life now. I needed to be fixed before I could go on. You and your hubby just need to be fixed, so to speak. It can be done as long as you are both receptive to it. Talk to him about his step father and how he was treated and how it could have affected him. Convince him that you do not want your child to grow up to be abused or an abuser, which is highly likely if the situation continues. I really hope you can get through to him. It sounds like you really still love each other. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can find peace and healing. :hug:

[Sweet Freedom]

79. Then go.

My STBE and I went to counseling as well, and the counselor was very helpful. He also was very frank and told us that we were completely different people who did not belong together. The counselor helped us end the relationship. (He also helped me heal from all the emotional and verbal abuse. It's worth going, if only for that. I can't tell you how good it felt to have someone understand what I was going through and to have a professional tell me that I was healthy, after years of being told I was wrong and stupid.)

[movie_girl99]

62. been there, done that. it sucks so bad

to be in that position.the last 5 years out of 13 well complete and utter hell. i eventually got out and things did get better but it was a rough road.

[havocmom]

63. If you are that unhappy, get out now. Won't get any easier

Life will be difficult for a bit, but so much better in the long run.

I thought I couldn't survive on my own, only working part time and not making much. I was wrong. We survive, and having learned to survive, we thrive.

You'll be OK, but it will be work. Good work for a life that is yours. Worth the effort. And a damned fine example for a daughter!

[grasswire]

64. emotional abuse is abuse

As the survivor of marriage to an emotionally abusive alcoholic narcissist, I will say again that emotional battering is battering -- just as damaging as if he beat you.

Regarding the student loans -- there are deferments, and there is a hardship provision. Don't let that be the thing keeping you from peace of mind.

Even though I suffered economically after divorce -- really, really suffered -- the lack of a knot in the pit of my stomach was priceless.

[elleng]

72. grasswire, how right you are!

The lack of that knot IS PRICELESS! And you're the only person I've heard that apt description from! Been away from him over a year, still have contact, young adult children colleges house, etc. but I almost think I can give up anti-depression meds.

Finally battered me physically, finally gave me impetus to go.


GREENBRIAR, sounds like your situation is different; do look into counseling.

[lunatica]

65. If I didn't know better I'd say you married my ex

When they say she's a gay divorcee, they're talking about me. I've been divorced for 11 years and plan to stay single. The good thing about a bad marriage is that you can end it.

[GOPBasher]

68. I'm sorry.

:hug:

[khashka]

69. If it truly is this bad....

then it's time to leave.

Emotional abuse is worse - Bruises heal, words don't.


Khash.

[Generic Brad]

71. The marriage we wind up with is never the one we envision when we start

My wife and I have grown apart in some ways, but we have become more unified in others. The relationship we have now is nothing remotely like it was when we were newlyweds. We have worked hard at it and have learned to reconcile the present reality with the dreams we had so long ago.

It has not been easy. There are times we each felt like throwing in the towel. But as we changed physically and emotionally we worked together to find new ways to grow together and keep each other satisfied on multiple levels. It sounds as though you do not have that in your relationship.

It takes two to tango, even if the tango is a pale shadow of what it once was. If he's not willing to work with you, I don't see that you have any alternative other than to go your separate ways.

[SoCalDemGrrl]

73. I don't know, but it seems as though he loves you and is maybe going

through some changes himself. You say he sends you flowers, says he loves you, takes you on cruises. Maybe his "groping" is just something he did earlier in your relationship when you were more receptive to him sexually but for whatever reason you are perceiving it negatively.

As far as his drinking - there must be some underlying cause for him to increase his alcohol consumption. Is he not appreciated at work? Been laid off? Not feeling connected to your daughter? Going through a mid-life crisis? If it is really a serious drinking problem, find an open AA meeting and go with him one evening. I went with a friend recently who had a court ordered program and the meeting was great, the people very supportive.

As far as your marriage is concerned, you fell in love with him years ago that person is still there.

I hear you saying that you are miserable and most DUers are saying "LEAVE HIM", but I think you should slow down, put yourself in his shoes for a minute and maybe through counseling you can figure out why things have changed for the worse and save your marriage.

[MrsBrady]

74. ...if money's the only problem...

then it's not a problem.....

if you have no money now, you can have no money without him.

if you really want to leave, do it.

either way, go get some help for yourself, with counseling or whatever.

whether you stay or go, you need to take care of yourself.

anyway, that's my 2cents

[Sweet Freedom]

77. Dear God, sweetie. Are we married to the same man?

I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way for a long time and didn't leave him because I thought I couldn't survive financially. But then, I couldn't take being called a stupid fucking bitch anymore, or the stress of his alcoholism, so I finally confided in my family and friends what my life was like and everyone rallied around me offering to help. The emotional support I received was overwhelming. (If you haven't told anyone, quit hiding his secret.)

Living with an alcoholic and verbal abuser is awful and you must be miserable and fearful (and if you are, so is your child). :hug:

I got to a point where I thought I'd rather live in a cardboard box instead of with him, so I ended it two years ago. Turns out, I have never missed his paycheck, because he pissed it all away on alcohol and bullshit. (And it's amazing how much you can cut back when you are in control of your own money.)

Don't let finances hold you back. It may sound corny, but once I did it, it was like the universe jumped for joy and rushed me a flood of happiness, love and security. I cannot tell you how much better my life is, and everyday is a joy I never knew existed.

My health improved, my house went from a dark depressing cave to a light and airy "home", I have money, I have control of my life, I can have friends and my child's friends over whenever I want, I can leave the house after dark, I can make a mistake without being chastised like a child, I can go out with friends, and I look a thousand percent better (I look at old photos and am amazed how exhausted and old I looked. Now, people think I'm 5 years younger than I really am).

I finally like me, and I can't believe I let myself live in hell for 17 years because of money. It wasn't worth it. I'd take poor and happy over money and misery, anyday.

Only you can make the decision, but I just wanted you to know that I've been in your shoes and taking those fuckers off was the best thing I ever did!

Please keep us posted.

:hug:

[grasswire]

78. that is the definition of "liberation"

Millions of women the world over are trapped in abusive situations. Untold millions. Often, they stay so their children can eat.

Sometimes families won't rally round with support. Sometimes the money won't come. In those cases, we can create intentional families with understanding people, and help each other.

The burden on those of us who have been there is to tell those just realizing their situation that they are not alone. This particular sorrow is, tragically, the way of the world.

And, since this has not been specifically stated on this thread, here it is:

Abuse is never the victim's fault. Never.