I never thought I'd wish death on someone.

[grace0418]

But I find myself wishing my mom would just go. I know that sounds terrible, but it's true. She doesn't have incurable cancer or some debilitating, painful disease, but it's like she has terminal misery and nothing makes her happy.

She's physically outlived my dad for over 8 years now, but to say she's actually lived a single one of the days since he died is a stretch. Part of me sees the romantic side of that (like "aw, she loved him so much that her life virtually ended when he died"), but part of me is really angry to see any human being waste so much of their own life NOT LIVING. Not to mention the toll she is taking on her kids with her childish refusal to do ANYTHING for herself (even though she's perfectly capable), her whining, her negativity, her desperate bids for attention.

Maybe all of this would be easier to take if she had actually been a good mom. If she hadn't been irrational and abusive. If she hadn't sold our house and left town with my dad the minute I graduated from high school as if to say "Whew! Glad we got rid of that brat!" If she had ever offered any sort of advice or support to me as I was growing up.

Now she wants FROM me what she never gave TO me. I try to be the bigger person. I try to understand that she's damaged, mentally ill, and feels alone and unloved. But then every time I call or visit, all I hear is an endless stream of complaints, negativity, and whining. Her biggest complaint? "How come my kids never call or visit?" Which, first of all, is great to hear when you *are* calling her or visiting her. And second of all, it shouldn't be a surprise that nobody wants to be around Debbie Downer.

We're currently trying to get her into a two-week inpatient mental health/geriatric program, but she has to be willing to go. My guess is that she'll find some reason to refuse, preferring to wallow in her misery.

Sorry, I just had to vent. Thanks for listening.

[malta blue]

1. I am so sorry you feel so bad.

:hug::hug:

My MIL is a miserable woman who walked out on her kids when they were in elementary school, and now wonders why no one calls or visits. Mr MB is very forgiving, and calls her regularly, but his sis - not so much. I tell you this so you know you are not alone in feeling this way.

I hope you can find peace with this situation.
~mb

[grace0418]

2. Thanks Malta Blue

Most of the time I don't let it get to me, but there are times when I really wish she could learn to enjoy the time she has.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. My dear grace...

She's in a tough place for sure...

I doubt that at her age, she'd be able to be happier...

Vent all you want!

You are entitled...

I'd keep my distance too... :hug:

[grace0418]

5. Thanks CP.

I needed that hug. :hug: right back atcha.

[karmaqueen]

4. It is so hard

I worked in a home for the mentally ill elderly. There were many family members who were feeling the same emotions that you are. You are not alone,it is so very hard to deal with a situation like you describe. Please don't feel guilty, it sounds as if you are doing whatever you can to help your Mom, and in her soul she knows it. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you find some peace.

[grace0418]

6. Thank you so much cbb. That must've been an incredibly difficult job, bless you

for doing it. You know, I've been actually off the hook for the most part in recent years. She used to live near me (and complained incessantly about Chicago weather, the place she was living, etc.), but then the family decided to move her out to Washington state. Of course, anyone in the family with hope that the change of scenery would do her good soon learned that she will complain no matter how great her situation is. So mostly I feel bad for my two oldest sisters, who are the closest to her (physically) at the moment. They are stuck dealing with the everyday stuff. But I still call her, I still send money every month, I will be flying out there this summer for a visit. And the petty, selfish side of me feels like she doesn't appreciate what we do for her at all, and that she wouldn't do the same if the roles were reversed.

Anyway, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. You are so sweet. :hug:

[soleft]

7. I really feel for you

And I think you're very brave for posting this. One of the hardest things I think for adult children is being in a position where you are asked to give to your parents what you never received from them. That can provoke such feelings of rage, and it is so, so important that we don't turn those feelings against ourselves, or anyone for that matter. One way to ensure that is to get the feelings out.

:hug:

[grace0418]

9. Thanks soleft.

Venting is a good thing sometimes. And thanks for listening. DUers really are wonderful.

[Pale Blue Dot]

8. I feel for you, Grace.

I believe that we only get one chance at life, and at the end, we're just gone. You may feel differently, but the fact remains that if you try to live someone else's life for them, you may not fully live your own.

I know that you're in a tough spot, but I hope that you take care of yourself first. You're worth it. :hug:

[grace0418]

10. Aw, thanks FF!

I am taking care of myself, so that's good. Mostly I feel sad that anyone would want to waste almost a whole decade of their life being miserable, when they don't have to be. I do believe there is something after this, but still think this life is precious. I know my mom believes the whole heaven/hell thing, so for her sake I wish she could be with my dad and happy, for once.

[ceile]

11. Sorry, grace.

Have you looked into a support group? I'm sure there are others in your situation. I know there are ones for kids w/ parents that have Alzheimer's, there may be ones for dealing w/ depression in the elderly. :hug:

[grace0418]

12. That's a good idea.

Thanks ceile. I hadn't thought of that. :hi:

[stuntcat]

13. venting will help

Maybe you can talk with your family about it too but letting it out honestly to someone apart from them will make you feel a lot better :hug: You still have to put on a smile and play nice but it won't stress you out too much when you've gotten it out of your head and into words!

(I keep the most outrageously bitchy-sounding journal in the world, so bad I have to keep it secret, but when I'm having a hard time dealing with other people's dumb problems I write it all down and then I can just smile like everything's fine :D)

[grace0418]

14. Oh, my sibs and I vent about it a lot.

But always with guilty whispers like we're such horrible children for wishing that she was somewhere she could be happy. I think there are some different theories within the family (there are 11 of us kids) about what to do about the situation. And some of the siblings that haven't had to live near her since my dad died are sometimes overly optimistic about her ability to change. But those of us who have lived near her in the last eight years know that she's *not* going to change, we just don't know what to do next if she refuses treatment.

Anyway, thanks for the hugs. :hi: