I hate, HATE, employment applications!!

[supernova]

I hate filling them out, I hate looking up references. I hate reviewing my past working life as if it somehow matters now.

x( x( x(

:banghead: :hurts: :banghead: :hurts:

[MrsBrady]

1. yes, i agree....

i am looking for work....

I know they need the info, but man....
over and over again...
uGH!!!!!!!

I mean...I've had jobs that don't ask for an application until I fill out all of the other new hire paperwork.

I feel like...why don't they just read my freaking resume.

Even in my last job in recruiting, I didn't need an application until we hired them.

[supernova]

2. That's what I'd like to know

how come that can't just transfer that stuff over from your resume.

It makes you do two sets of paperwork.

Stupid.

[mondo joe]

41. Don't know if this will answer to your satisfaction or not, but...

My organization last year went to the application in addition to resume model.

It wasn't my decision, and if it were up to me I probably wouldn't use an application at all. But HR says that out of the many resumes tey get, many have incomplete information, or are written in such a way that it's sometimes hard to find the info they want.

So the application puts it all in an order they can work with. It also includes a signed release authorizing them to ask about any of the listed jobs in a reference call.

Lastly, our pay structure is based on experience, so the more in the application the better. When I tell people to fill out the application I always urge them to include as much as they can, because the application will determine where they fall on the payscale.

[NightWatcher]

3. fav question? why did you leave your last job?

because after I was fired, I felt funny still showing up everyday

[supernova]

4. I know, none of these questions means anything

it's not like you're expected to give the honest response.

Because the manager was a brainless, spineless weasel with no people skills who couldn't do the work with his hands tied to an expert either.

[suninvited]

7. Ha ha, Wouldnt you love to put that down?

thats a good one

[ET Awful]

29. Because the handcuffs got in the way of moving the bails of marijuana

:P

[truedelphi]

53. Hmm. So maybe that is why all my coworkers look at me so funny! n/t

[DS1]

5. You know what the absolute worst is?

Those little employment computer they have in stores now, they even ask you psyche questions like "You saw a very good employee stealing, do you report them or keep it to yourself" or "You are personally insulted in a team meeting, how do you react"

and you're answering these annoying questions, thinking about kicking the thing to pieces all the while people are going "Wow, that poor schlub needs a job here?"

[Oeditpus Rex]

8. How the fuck does anyone know how they'd react to an insult?

It'd depend on the insult, who said it, their tone of voice, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.



Who the fuck thinks UP these questions? Weasels?

[supernova]

9. OK, you win

:D

Yes, filling out these things is one thing. Having to do it in a public space is a whole other level of humiliating. I really feel for folks who have to do that.

At least I'm here with my DU buds and some soothing classical radio in the background. *ohm* *ohm* *ohm* :D

[jmowreader]

42. I would assume...

"I would pull out the .45 I always carry with me, and empty two clips into his useless fucking head" is probably not the correct answer to the "insult" question.

[Oeditpus Rex]

6. And then you have to repeat half of it in the interview

Along with such inane corprocrap as "Are you a Team Player?"



I gotcher fuckin' team right here, assbucket.

[supernova]

10. I sense the makings of a really good skit here

A sort of "Truth in Advertising" for job searches.

;-)

[Oeditpus Rex]

12. On that note, sort of...

Job-Interview B.S. Bingo

It's specific to newspapers, but adaptable. It's also evidence that freep.com is the coolest newspaper site on the planet. :headbang:

[MrsBrady]

14. yea...

like....

we promise your boss will be an ass, while paying you crap!!

[DS1]

11. yeah, my blockbuster interview was a repetition of the computer experience

Apparently I'd passed the first part, and I suspect they were going to see if I'd change any answers. After a while I just gave up, I was just looking for some extra money while going through school, and it wasn't worth the silliness.

There are 'huddles' between each shift *shudders like Stewie Griffin* where you actually huddle like in football. When the manager mentioned he also went to the same school as me, for the same degree, I about cried inside.

[Oeditpus Rex]

13. Job interviews these days have almost zero to do with one's qualifications

They're mostly amateur-grade psychological profiles to make sure all "new hires" (I fucking hate that term) will quickly and seamlessly assimilate into the Corporate Workplace Environment.



In other words, are you gonna be a good drone or one of those Lib'rul Troublemakers?

[MrsBrady]

16. yep...

just answer all those psyc questions

like you love everyone, will turn everyone in who steals, will worship the corporation..and just LOVE getting paid crap to take it up the arse

[Oeditpus Rex]

18. I had this one once:

"What would your co-workers say about you as a team player?"



My gut reaction: "How the FUCK do I know what other people would say about me in the context of an utterly bullshit concept?"



:grr:

[supernova]

19. Presupposes that you are neurotic

enough to want to care about what other people think about you.

:P

[Oeditpus Rex]

21. Oooo!

I'm gonna use that next time. :D

[BuelahWitch]

25. I had one that asked if I'd ever wanted to kill my parents

The question came up at least three times. I guess they were trying to catch me answering it differently.

[MrsBrady]

27. Jiminy Crickets! ....

they asked you that?????
What kind of job was that for????? :wow: :puke:

[BuelahWitch]

30. It was for a check printing company, a customer service job

Maybe it was around the time that employees were going "postal"? It was in 1996. Anyway, I thought it was really strange that they should ask once, let alone two or three times.

[sergeiAK]

26. Reasons engineering = awesome

In my last interview I was asked to write a bit of code to perform some math function, and to draw a common-drain amplifier on a whiteboard. Then I chatted with the guy who would be my boss about the business, my skills, their skills, the needs of the world, and globalism/its effects on their business. Got the job a few days later. And before you say this had to be some tiny startup, it was a subsidiary of GE, with ~2200 employees worldwide.

Sounds like you're just in the wrong industry. :P

[raccoon]

36. What do the morans expect you to say? "Well, no, I think most people are assholes?"

[raccoon]

15. You and me both. And I hate interviews.

Most of the time they're so effing stupid. Many times, they already know who they're going to hire anyway.

[MrsBrady]

17. you are right

i've seen this done before.

they know who they want, but they bring in several other people to interview so that they can just say it was "fair", if they ever had to.

[supernova]

33. Yeah, interviews are a pain too

another set of fake answers to fake questions designed to weed people out.

[RainDog]

20. absolutely annoying

I'm going thru that now. I have to make myself apply when they want an application as well as a resume... it's a repetition of what's on the resume, basically. on two of them, I had to agree to a criminal bg search and drug test - the jobs in my field do not need this. I think it was b/c those two jobs were paid by taxpayers or something. I'm trying to make myself send out three apps every four days.

Oh, and the great part is "Where do you see yourself in 5 years," or "What was your worst experience with a previous employer." Who in his or her right mind is going to bitch about a previous employer? I sort of want to say... you know, everyone is going to lie to you about this question, so let me be honest... but I won't.

However, speaking of... I gave my notice yesterday for this horrid job I was doing!!! yeah!!! I only stayed there b/c of insurance, and now that's gone. The job was misrepresented to me and I got into trouble for "ignoring the hierarchy" by doing something I'd already done, was entirely qualified to do, had been recognized for that same thing in my previous job, something that made a whole process faster and more efficient... but I didn't get permission to make a decision based upon my conversations with others this impacted. I was told, in fact, not to talk to these people!!!!! fuking a?

What I wonder about is if you are ever expected to pay your own travel expenses if someone want to interview you in person. (The first level, if you live elsewhere, is always over the phone.) If you don't get a job, do they reimburse you? I guess you can deduct such things from taxes... but you'll never get back the full cost.

anyway - BEST OF LUCK TO YOU. Or break a leg, or whatever. Vibes to you and I'll ask for some too. None of the jobs I'm applying for start reviewing apps until next month.

[supernova]

35. Good luck to you too, RainDog

:D

I hope we both get something soon.

[RainDog]

48. aarrrggghhh, part deux

okay, I agreed to stay on for another month. I think I'll have to refresh my iPod so that I don't have to hear those "one-hit wonders" playing EVERY DAY!!!!!!! -or at least lots of them.

[Blue_Tires]

22. i'll drink to that...

[bif]

23. I hate getting an error message 45 minutes into filling one out

I don't know how many times that's happened to me. You get 45 minutes into filling out an on-line applicsation, when the dreaded error message appears. You can't hit the back button and you have to start all over. Makes me want to punch a hole in the monitor.

[supernova]

37. There's a university here

that does that. You have to fill out the online form and of course the session times out if you don't finish it in the appropriate time period.

I don't think I"ll ever be working there.

[fizzgig]

24. i hear ya on that one

i have a hard time believing anyone cares about the shit jobs i had in college :banghead:

[Angleae]

28. Just do it like this guy

Wal-Mart APPLICATION This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas ..
They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old B**tard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

[supernova]

38. BWAHAHA!

Welcome to DU, Angleae! :hi:

So true.

[LeftinOH]

31. "It says here you were unemployed between March and June of 1995....

..how can you account for this gap?" AAarrrrgh!

[raccoon]

34. Yeah, like from the time you're 16 or 18 you're supposed to have been employed

EVERY FRICKING minute of your life. Never mind if there was a horrendous recession (1982--or other) or if you took a few months off to recover from years of school.

[supernova]

39. What's a good answer to that?

Just about everyone has gaps in their work history these days. People who don't are mighty rare.

[ScreamingMeemie]

32. And then they have to go and ask about your criminal record...I mean, seriously

...it was just that once. And I didn't even realize the gun was loaded. Can't a girl catch a break???

[supernova]

40. LOL! Good one.

:D

I didn't know those checks were bad..... :think:

[annonymous]

43. The online applications are the worst.

They take over an hour to do and some of them ask strange questions i.e. Would you be willing to take a polygraph exam? I encountered that one for a low level clerical job. A few of the online job descriptions seem to screen out large portions of the population i.e. Mandatory daily attendance required. There's at least a few employers that have unrealistic expectations of employees i.e. a legal firm that wants two years of legal experience but is only willing to pay $9.50/hour. Job hunting is so frustrating. I hope I find something soon.

[Richard Steele]

44. I agree. They are one of my most DISLIKED things in life.

Filling one out HONESTLY pretty much guarantees that I won't get a callback.

I'm a smart & resourceful person; there have been a few times
when I managed to support myself while between regular paying jobs.
(Hell, I'm doing it right now- I'm in the middle of building some
custom furniture for some friends of my Sweetie's parents, and it
looks like the word-of-mouth from this project is going to lead to
another another one when I'm finished.)

And I'm (justifiably, IMHO) PROUD of that- not everyone can generate
income that way.

But do employers care? Do they appreciate my skills, my resourcefulness, my work ethic?
Hell no. All they ever see is "long gaps in my employment history". :banghead:

[BreweryYardRat]

45. Ugh. Don't remind me. I have yet to find a job compatible with my hours.

I tend to fluctuate from "in bed at 10-11, up at 8-9" to "in bed at 5AM, up at 3PM." Not to mention Jan-Oct of last year, where I had a bad reaction to the anti-depressant I was taking and slept at least 12 hours a day, sometimes as many as 14 or 15.

I'm going to do my damnedest to get a couple short stories published while I'm still in college and can mooch off the parental money for rent/food/etc. Establishing my writing chops now will help a lot in the future.

[RainDog]

50. If you're going the lit fiction route

quit/quite/quiet...:/

...don't quit your day job, when you get one. ;)

the pay isn't really... pay.

If you don't already know about it, you should go to a library and look through The Int'l Magazine of Little Magazines and Small Presses... something like that.. been a while. It lists all sorts of places and tells you what they want with submissions.

[BreweryYardRat]

52. Thanks for the magazine rec!

I'll see if the school library has a copy.

[xchrom]

46. they've becoming horrifying in stupidity, humiliating, insulting,

and banal beyond description.

the things they ask -- you'd think they'd be ashamed to put in print.

and all this team player shit -- :banghead: and mandatory, waste of time meetings --:banghead: -- i'm there to work and do what you ask.

all this other stuff is shit.

[Skittles]

56. it's an employer's market now

that's why they've gotten asinine beyond belief - when they have to compete for employees they get much more realistic

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

47. I've just applied for a job in Armonk, NY

and I live in Wilmington, NC. I got a response back from this HR genius, "Are you moving to Westchester Co.? This job is in Westchester Co." to which I replied, "If I get a job offer I'm moving, you stupid moron. What do you think? I don't know where Armonk is??? I lived in freaking Manhattan for four effin' years... My God... how stupid do you have to be. Of course, if you offer me a freaking job at a freaking decent wage I'll get my ass up there and show up..."

[RainDog]

49. that's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard from HR.

unbull-leaf-ibul

[supernova]

51. Are you on the beach?

And if so, can I have your house when you move to Armonk?


:-)

Seriously, good luck. I'm about to go back to work for the Armonk mafia, except around here. ;-)

[drmeow]

54. I'm with you!

I have a PhD and am applying for assistant and associate director type positions and am still expected to fill out a generic application designed for the lowest common denominator. I just applied for an administrative position that pays $60 - 82K - I applied on-line by uploading my cover letter and resume as requested only to get an e-mail that said I also have to fill out a 5 page application that includes questions such as what department is the position in (it wasn't stated in the ad to how the f**k am I supposed to know), rate of pay expected (um - something within the range stated), what year I graduated from HS (what part of Ph.D. don't you get?), "SPECIAL TRAINING OR SKILLS (To include GED, civilian schools, military academies, etc. - complete with dates. Include typing speed, knowledge of computers and software, etc. - please list.)", and other questions that are completely not relevant to this position. Since I have the luxury of doing so (I am currently employed) I said f**k it and I don't think I'm even going to both (I wasn't all that convinced I wanted the job, anyway).

[Buns_of_Fire]

55. They're excercises in how much BS you'll take before you crack.

Which is, after all, what they REALLY want to know.