Sadly, Free Republic lost another poster today.

[Sub Atomic]

Man Caught Having Sex with a Picnic Table

BELLEVUE, OH -- A man in central Ohio is accused of having sex with his picnic table.

The investigation began when a tipster gave police three DVDs showing Arthur Price having sexual intercourse with a metal round table on his deck.

The incidents occurred between January and March 2008.

Police say the DVDs show Price involved in a sex act in his bedroom. He walks out to his deck, tilts the table on its side and has sex with it.

Police say Price lives near an elementary school.

Price admitted that he had sex with the picnic table when police questioned him.

http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/strange/news-article.aspx?storyid=105778


:rofl:

[GOPisEvil]

1. Oh wow...that's, um, odd...

At least he's not molesting the kids at the school near where he lives.

[elshiva]

35. That's what I thought!

[JTG of the PRB]

2. Can't... Stop... Laughing...

Too... Bizarre!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[calimary]

32. Me, too!!!!!

:rofl: :spray: :rofl:

That image is just a little too much for my brain to grasp!

:rofl: :spray: :rofl:

[TK421]

3. UPDATE: Picnic table seeks damages on grounds of irreparable mental trauma

[laylah]

6. Correction...

wouldn't that be irreparable METAL trauma? Just askin' :shrug: :rofl:

[TK421]

10. Yes! You are correct...I weep for metal picnic tables everywhere

Note: Look for this on the news as signs mysteriously appear bearing the words "A metal picnic table offender lives here"

[laylah]

18. ...

:rofl:

[SoCalDem]

82. Don't you mean "metal" trauma?

:)

[Firespirit]

4. If ever there's an appropriate time to say it, this is it

What the fuck?

I guess Rule 34 really is true.

[mainegreen]

44. Rule 34 was never meant for reality...

this is a disturbing crossover.

:rofl:

[XemaSab]

5. How is that remotely comfortable?

:shrug:

[ironflange]

8. He pulls out the umbrella

Then he uses the hole. It is rather strange behavior imho.

[FloridaJudy]

7. And this is illegal why?

Assuming it was a consenting picnic table over the age of consent.

Any legal wonks know what the "age of consent" is for picnic tables in Ohio? I'll bet it's really young in Arkansas, though.

[Downtown Hound]

47. Look, if this kind of thing isn't stopped now

then before you know it this man will be forcing himself on underage picnic tables. You know, the ones still in the early stages of production.

[laconicsax]

67. He was charged with public indecency

Sounds like he was doing it in plain view of others.

[fizzgig]

9. how in the hell did the dvd include what was going on the the bedroom?

and who the hell would tape something like that?

logic aside, i wounder how there wasn't some....uhm....shrinkage, shall we say, during the amorous encounter. i would think the table would be pretty cold

[Binka]

13. Silly He Gave It A Blow Job To Warm It Up

Get your mind out of the gutter..... he used a BLOW dryer of course!

[fizzgig]

14. omg!

:rofl:

[laylah]

20. Now THAT was funny, Binka!

:rofl:

[hyphenate]

16. Perhaps it was his wife

who filmed it? I mean, she really needed evidence for the grounds for her divorce, citing irreconcilable differences and the table as the mistress.

[MonkeyFunk]

11. ew...

and I bet he did it where the chairs could see. :cry:

[MonkeyFunk]

12. LOL!

And they posted his pic!



He's gonna have to move and change his name and have facial surgery. And burn off his fingerprints.

[TK421]

15. I think this guy will become more popular than the famous Morans guy

3...2....1.....right click, save picture as " ultimate internet insult "

[MonkeyFunk]

19. It's already in my photobucket account

[BigBluenoser]

17. Oi! So the moral of the story is...

If you are gonna do a table, do it inside and close the blinds.

Picnic table is weird... but there is weirder... poo play anyone?

PS... the title of the thread is the best part!:headbang:

[MonkeyFunk]

22. that won't work

he shoves the blinds up his ass as foreplay.

[BigBluenoser]

27. I was gonna say...

Wouldn't that really hurt? But then I remembered what the topic of the OP was.

Cripes... galvanized steel shaving splinters. I hope the DVD guy caught his lube application "learning curve", give the cops something to laugh about if they need more. Man, strangely enough I bet there are internet sites that would pay for those DVDs, and customers who would line up to see it.

[Juche]

21. so

its a free country. He should've done it inside though, not on his patio. And I don't see how that would be comfortable. But it is his property and his life.

[MonkeyFunk]

23. agreed

I don't see what's illegal about it.

Still, I wouldn't go to a cookout at his house.

[Juche]

26. lol

I'll pass on the corn on the cob if I ever visit his house.

[Arugula Latte]

33. "No ranch dressing for me, thanks."

:scared:

[laylah]

25. While I really do agree with

your sentiment, sorry, this just cannot be ignored. At least not by we twisted ones at DU. Welcome!

[LadyoftheRabbits]

24. AHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHA... *breathe* HAHAHA! Wow. :P :rofl:

[TexasLady]

28. Dammit! Some things you just can't un-remember

or unclick.

:rofl:

[DainBramaged]

29. I wish I'd never read this

:wtf: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl::rofl:

[Blue Diadem]

30. sspptt, he was completely nude the first time..in Jan. in Ohio.

Gives new meaning to the words frozen stiff.

snip:
"The first video we had, he was completely nude. He would use the hole from the umbrella and have sex with the table," Johnson says.

http://www.wtol.com/Global/story.asp?S=8082496

[LeftyFingerPop]

31. There's a hole in the center of those things to hold the umbrella stem...

just sayin'.

[Arugula Latte]

34. He should get together with the bicycle sex guy for a foursome.

I hope the table wouldn't get jealous of the bicycle, though. You know how trampy bikes can be.

[elshiva]

36. Uh, it was HIS TABLE! WTF?

What's the difference between this and doing it with one of those rubber blow up dolls (the male equivalent of vibrator)? If it was in his own bedroom and not in the park. If it was in a public park, then arrest him... What man does with his own furniture is his own business if it's in private and it's not hurting people... WTF!!!

[youthere]

37. The incidents occurred between January and March....

Outside. In Ohio. With a METAL picnic table.

[elshiva]

38. Sorry! As I said before if it is in outside, you deserve to

be arrested. Stay inside and do it with your desk. He's a criminal...
:(

[krispos42]

83. I bet that would make an interesting 911 call

<ringing sound>

Operator: Nine-one-one, what's your emergency?

Caller: I, um, need some help.

Operator: Okay, sir, what's the problem.

Caller: I'm... <sigh> I'm stuck.

Operator: Where are you stuck, sir?

Caller: In my backyard.

Operator: In your backback yard, okay. What's your address, sir?

Caller: <gives address>

Operator: Got it. Now how are you stuck, sir?

Caller: Well, um, I'm sort of frozen to a picnic table.

Operator: Frozen to a picnic table?

Caller: Yeah. <pause> It's very cold out.

Operator: Okay, sure. How are you frozen to the table, sir?

Caller: Well, um... <pause>

Operator: Sir? Sir?

Caller: Yes?

Operator: How are you frozen to the table, sir?

Caller: <sigh> My penis is frozen to the table.

Operator: Sir, I can't year you. You'll have to speak up.

Caller: Um... damn.

Operator: Sir?

Caller: I said, my penis is frozen to the table!

Operator: <long pause> Really?

Caller: Yes, are you happy now? Yes. I didn't pull out in time, I came all over the place, and then it froze instantly because it's like one degree out!

Operator: <longer pause> I'm sending out a rescue unit now, sir.

Caller: Great, it's starting to change colors. Can they please hurry?

Operator: Oh, I'm sure they will, sir!

<covers microphone with her hand. Her voice can still be heard faintly>

Hey Gloria, Peter, Susan, check this out! I got guy with his dick frozen to his picnic table!

<other operators break out laughing>

Yeah, he was having SEX with it and his jism froze!

<howls of laughter; operator removes her hand from the microphone>

The fire department's on their way, sir. Just hang tight.

Caller: <sourly> Thanks.

[MrSlayer]

39. So he interrupted the sex act in his bdroom to finish off with the table?

What was he fucking first? The alarm clock?

[NV Whino]

40. So who was using the umbrella

while he was romancing the table?

[Bennyboy]

41. So is this against the law?

I mean stupid yes, but there is a specific law against this?

[Pierre.Suave]

45. I would say...

that the actual act with the table, probably not, but... If he did it outside, where others can see it, then he is guilty of a crime, public lewdness or something similar.

[HamstersFromHell]

61. Probably been banned for life from the Wal-Mart Garden Shop

:evilgrin:

[FloridaJudy]

70. Arrghhhh!

That mental image will be branded on my brain forever!

:spray: :rofl:

[Pierre.Suave]

81. HAHA

Where will he go next?

Lowes? Home Depot?

So many options...

[Elidor]

42. Poor guy

Not that I've ever had the urge to shag a table, you understand. I just find what happens between a man and his table to be his own business. Perhaps if it was a live tree, I might be horrified.

Bad enough to fuck a table: to capture the moment on dvd is astonishingly stupid, and one would hope that he was selling the dvd to prove to everyone how crazy he was, because at least he'd get some street cred. As it is, he's going to be a Table-Fucker for life.

I will say it now: many of us have fucked worse things than tables. Not to get into all that, but...you know it, and so do I. And that's all on that point.

[Inchworm]

43. LoL- reminds me of those stories about men getting stuck in the swimming pool jets

:rofl:

[chknltl]

46. Picnic Table signs million dollar exclusive with Hustler Magazine

sorry, resistance was futile.

[Fuzz]

48. I bet anyone who ever had mayo at a cookout at this guys house

is rethinking their condiment choice tonight.

[Taverner]

49. There's nothing wrong with man-on-picnic-table love

How else can he practice his love?

[Canuckistanian]

50. Having sex with a metal table. In Ohio. In January.

The mind boggles.

[MonkeyFunk]

53. Ya gotta admire his stick-to-it-iveness

[Canuckistanian]

55. Literally. n/t

[Fox Mulder]

51. How'd the tipster get the DVDs?

Was that person a perv too?

[Nevernose]

52. Why do you record it three different times?

The only thing worse than a pervert is the pervert holding the video camera.

Besides, did you see how the picnic table was dressed?

[GoneOffShore]

54. I saw a guy hump a Buick

It was in South Philly and I was parking my car.

This guy was leaning over the hood of this Buick and I thought he was polishing it. Then I saw that he was just holding on to it and his butt was moving.

When I went past him I said, "You could have a least gone for a Cadillac."

added on edit

Brought a whole new meaning to auto erotism.

[Arugula Latte]

56. rim shot

:rofl: Auto eroticism. That's good. That's very good. :rofl:

[Thelma Harper]

57. How is that even possible?

[Deep13]

59. Splinters, owie! nt

[Deep13]

58. Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

:spray: :rofl:

Hey, quit spying on my neighbors!
:rofl:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

60. An intern once told me about a patient who got stuck in a bottle...

but I guess he wasn't arrested for it.

Now I can understand not wanting to witness a neighbor's intimate little moments; but I wonder why nobody sent him an anonymous letter telling him to knock it off...er I mean quit it.

[HamstersFromHell]

62. Let me guess....

he said the umbrella fit too tight and he was reaming the hole?

[Fire Walk With Me]

63. So this table isn't seeing anyone right now?

[Robeson]

64. That must have been one hell of a table.

[UrbScotty]

65. Why couldn't he put his weiner in a bun like normal people do? (nt)

[MilesColtrane]

66. Hey BooBoo...He's dumber than the average bear.

He shoulda stuck to pic-a-nic baskets.

[Born_A_Truman]

68. I've heard of table dating

but not like this!

[Wetzelbill]

69. What?! The chair wasn't looking hot enough for him?

That chair has had three kids and worked her ass off to get back in shape, dammit!!!

I think Bush just dropped another point in the polls.

[Perry Logan]

71. Not the guy to invite to a cook-out.

[Perry Logan]

72. Delete.

[Orsino]

73. Who will protect the children?

How was this man allowed to put up a picnic table so near an elementary school?

[philosophie_en_rose]

74. He should have kept it inside.

Yikes. I don't think it should matter what he does with picnic tables in the privacy of his home. But if his deck was in plain view of the school, he should have known better.

[DeeDeeNY]

75. Glad to hear it was his own picnic table

When I first saw the title, I thought it was a picnic table in a public park where people would be eating their lunch!

[sarge43]

76. The competition for the Darwin Award is getting fierce in Freeperville. n/t

[Initech]

78. Unless he lost his genitalia by having sex with the picinc table, it doesn't count.

http://darwinawards.com/rules/

[sarge43]

80. Who are we talking about here?

They may be competitive; they are not, by definition, competent.

"Gets lost in phone booths."

"Couldn't hit the ground if he fell out of an aircraft."

"Couldn't pour pee out of a boot with the instructions on the heel."

"Fucks up a fuck up."

"Burns, then pillages."

"Out of step in a one man drill team."

(typo)

[BarenakedLady]

77. Oh my goodness

I'll never look at my picnic table the same again.

:rofl:

[Initech]

79. So will the televangelists be forbidding the marriage of man and picnic table now?