An epic struggle between man and beast (Indulgent true story warning)

[taterguy]

Saturday, 7:47 AM: The wife and I are enjoying a nice relaxing breakfast in our living room.

Suddenly there’s a noise.

COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

We trace the sounds to the home entertainment center: VCR, TV, DVD, Xbox. A maze of wires. Maybe it's just CDs or game cases falling down. More noise. Uh oh.

Whatever’s making the noise is small but what the hell is it?

Bird?
Bat?
Rat?
Coelacanth?

Our hounds aren’t showing any interest in it. Which means that it’s either harmless or something so terrifying they know to stay the hell away from it.

First things first: Realizing that a bathrobe is no uniform to engage in mortal combat in. Retreat to the bedroom for the heaviest sweatpants and sweatshirt that I own, along with (hopefully) bite resistant gloves.

Put the hounds in the basement to keep them out of harm’s way. Search for weapons. (Can a leaf blower be used inside the house?) Why the hell did I get rid of that old flamethrower?

Focus.

Think, damnit think.

Prepare for battle. Reconsider atheism and wonder if it’s too late to pray.

Trudge upstairs.
Flashlight? Check
Broom? Check
Leaf blower? Might as well give it a shot.

Deploy the troops. Tell the wife to keep her eye on the infernal beast with the flashlight. Forget to remind her not to scream like a banshee when it emerges and curse myself later for that mistake.

A gray snout. At least it’s not a bat. More snout. No resemblance to a rat.
Whew.

Ok, it’s just a squirrel but still: What the hell do I do about it? I ain’t no Steve Irwin.

Granted, the risk to my personal safety is slight but what if it gets pissed and goes for my face? Do I want to spend the day in the ER? Uh, no.

If this was a movie you’d now be subjected to a long and tedious scene where the two foes try to figure each other out and find a weakness in the other to exploit. Just like that Stalingrad movie about the snipers without the starvation and bitter winter. (But we did leave the door open and was a bit chilly.)

A box, my kingdom for a box. Thank God my wife recently bought shoes. (Prayer does work occasionally)

Interminable mutual fearful staring. Occasional jiggling of the entertainment center with the broom. A fruitless attempt to call in the heavy artillery of the leaf blower. A bad case of friendly fire when the wife pointed the leaf blower at me while I was taking a smoke break.

Finally the beast emerged and was on its way out the door. Until the aforementioned banshee scream of the wife. I’m a laid back guy and slow to anger but to have defeat snatched from the jaws of victory nearly made me snap, as I watched the little critter scurry back to the maze of wires of our entertainment center.

Ok wife: go to the video store and get a copy of Caddyshack so we can learn from an expert on how to deal with vermin.

In the meantime, well, more tense staring.

Until finally impatience and inspiration: We can take this feather duster, put it behind the guy and trap him next to the VCR, then one of us can get the nerve to just grab him and put him in the shoebox. Which was a perfect plan except one of us got a little confused and put their two hands around a table leg when they finally got a hold of the little bastard. Ever try to hold a pissed off squirrel in one hand and try to figure out how tightly to hold him so he doesn’t get away but not so tightly that you crush him? I don’t recommend it. Thank God I prayed earlier.

So the little bugger was finally put in a box and then taken outside. The ordeal lasted about an hour but it seemed like half a day.

How’s your morning going?

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

1. My morning is going great, thank you.

Except for the coelacanth in the bathtub.



Nice job with the squirrel. If you had a cat your problem would have been solved without you, although the incidental property damage would have been considerable.

[taterguy]

2. Our cat owning neighbors moved away

Mostly dog people or people without pets on our street.

[hobbit709]

3. If my dogs had spotted the squirrel

There would have been a destroyed entertainment center and a squabble over who got the biggest bite of arboreal rodent.

[taterguy]

5. Stupid pacifist dogs

But I am glad that the entertainment center is intact since it's a crappy day here and I'll be using it a lot later.

[BarenakedLady]

4. Woohoo

:applause:

[Blue Diadem]

6. OMG, that was hilarious!

I can imagine your apprehension with not knowing exactly what it was..and your wife's screaming like a banshee..tee hee. There's nothing like an unexpected adrenaline rush.

When my daughter had one in the house she moved into, that thing was crazy wild and tore around the house. It had gone in through an open door when one of the roomates was moving out and they didn't notice it until it made it's appearance. She didn't call me or her Dad, she came here and talked to her brother who I promptly caught trying to leave with our lab. I asked where he was taking the dog and finally got the story out of him. So DH and I went over without the dog and had a crazy screaming, screeching time with that thing flinging itself everywhere..tops of drapery rods to tables to stairway railings. It finally ran out the open door.

I'm glad you were able to get yours. They can really make a mess and tear things up. Have you figured out how it got in?

[taterguy]

7. We suspect it came in the same way Santa Claus does

I'm pretty sure that it didn't have a good time here so I doubt he'll be back.

[Blue Diadem]

8. ahh.. down the chimney.

"I'm pretty sure that it didn't have a good time here so I doubt he'll be back"

:rofl:

[TZ]

9. Hate to be a spoil sport

but are you sure thats the only one? A family of squirrels chewed their way into my mothers house and had a family..In fact my mother's useless Sheltie ran in terror from a baby squirrel.....:o

[taterguy]

15. I'll keep that in mind

As I try to get to sleep tonight

[Raven]

10. Not as brave as you. Had a chipmonk in the house once...I just

left, evacuated, left the door open and was out of there for the day. It was gone when I got home.

[warrior1]

11. God was testing you

Taterguy.

Oh ye of little faith.

Bow to his pastaness.

[Raven]

12. Good post on GD-P, Warrior. n/t

[warrior1]

13. Thanks Raven

:hi:

[taterguy]

14. My struggles with Celiac are the subject of another post

Boy do I miss pasta and other wheat based foods.

[NMDemDist2]

16. ROFL!!

my hero!! :loveya:

we have a feral cat that must be dumb as a rock because it chases my cat through the dog door about once a month, freaks out and hides behind the dryer.

I have to pull the dryer out with the only escape back out the back door every time.

the only problem is the vent pipe is too short so I've managed to bust the pipe and we have to replace it before we can use the dryer again. I think I'll just beat the rush and put some "Eazy Movers" under the dryer while I have it out installing the longer vent pipe.

Much hilarity ensued when we were trying to capture a gecko lizard in the house in PHX, shoe boxes, lettuce leaves and sticks with strings were involved, but I ended up doing it the old fashioned way, grab it with my hand and stick it in the box

sometimes the old ways are best eh?? :evilgrin:

[applegrove]

17. I was just going to say Caddyshack!

[taterguy]

18. It wasn't particularly helpful

But if the struggle had lasted much longer I was prepared to go to the extreme measure of torturing the creature by blasting Kenny Loggins at him.

[applegrove]

22. LOL!

[Midlodemocrat]

19. Only losers eat in the living room.

:eyes:


:rofl:

Great story.

[taterguy]

25. Only losers put a TV in their dining room

And if you expect me to eat a meal without the distraction of TV . . .

Well that's just wrong.

[Bullwinkle925]

20. This is just priceless!

Thanks for sharing and thanks for bringing a smile to my face today.

Good Job -

However, remember to gag your *troops* the next time to prevent the banshee scream.


:applause: :applause: :headbang:

[taterguy]

24. If there's a next time we're moving

[graywarrior]

21. You're married?

[taterguy]

23. Sad but true

I guess that would break your heart if you weren't attached too