When am I going to have the courage to tell my mother...

[Pacifist Patriot]

her grandsons are not going to grow up to be serial killers, bums or utter disappointments to her because of they way I discipline them? When am I going to tell her that I already fear I am an inadequate mother and I don't need her snipping at my children and jumping into a fray before I can get to it? I worry it is damaging the kind of relationship she probably wants with her grandsons. And why, oh why, do they have to turn into little shits at her house? I am struggling desperately to practice Non-Violent Communication ala Rosenburg, but it is sooo hard.

Thanks for listening.

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. What a sucky situation *hugs* You'll tell her when you are good and ready

[LeftyMom]

2. If you need some practice, you can call my Dad for me first.

:hug:

[Darth_Kitten]

3. Geez, will you let up on YOURSELF?

You don't owe anybody an explanation on what you are doing with your kids. :)

[rateyes]

4. Only you know the answer to that question, and

I hope it's soon. As for why your children turn into little shits at Grandmas house---ask yourself, what factor has changed? My answer is that it's probably grandma.

[angstlessk]

5. tell your mother in your most apologetic way...

mom, I have been meaning to tell you this, it is not something I have told many people and well, it's really your fault, at least I blame you for it..but I am (lower your voice as if you are afraid someone could hear you) I am a bibliophile!

then say nothing else!

[Karenina]

6. Take a "vacation" from her

and set some BOUNDARIES.

[Blue Diadem]

7. Just talk to her about it.

Has your Mom said those things directly to you about your boys and your parenting or are you feeling she thinks that because she corrects them before you get to it? Does she jump in to help give you a break? Is she doing it at her house or yours? How old are your boys? Are they old enough to understand not to do certain things at Grandma's?

When our kids were old enough to understand, we always told them to mind their Grandparents and respect their rules for their house. The rules may have been different than our rules but if the kids wanted to enjoy their time there it was better to follow the rules. Now as Grandparent's ourselves, we have our own rules that differ from our Son's and Dil's for their home. My son didn't like that we use baby gates when we babysit his kids here and spoke with us about it. He considers it caging..I consider it safety. He understands, after our discussion, that I'll continue to use baby gates until the littlest one is old enough to understand.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

8. My dear Pacifist Patriot...

I was thinking about your problem, and remembering when my kids were young...

We used to visit my parents, and my mom was always on my case about how badly I was raising them...

We finally decided (my husband and I) that it was so toxic, so uncomfortable there, that we would stop visiting them.

Mom was fine in MY home...

The funny thing is, when my brother finally had kids, he got the same treatment...Up till then, he had not understood what I'd been going through...

ALL the kids turned out very well, BTW...

Good luck!

:hug:

[Critters2]

9. I can only speak from experience.

Three of my cousins went to Montessori School and all of their grandparents--mine and theirs on the other side, too--kept on their parents about how unstructured that was, how little discipline there was in that model, how badly behaved they were. Actually made me jealous because my parents sent us to public school. So, how did the little monsters turn out?

One earned his PhD in physical chemistry and quite a name for himself in academic and scientific circles, married a wonderful woman (sadly, he succmbed rather young to testicular cancer--though I wouldn't blame the Montessori folks for this)

One earned her PhD in English and now teaches at Michigan--she and I are the same age, and I love her like a sister

One did modeling as a "big beautiful woman" and now does scouting for the agency she used to model for

One taught high school English until choosing to stay home to care for her three beautiful children. Has a great husband, too.

Yeah, all that lack of discipline just ruined 'em :)

So, try to find a polite way to tell your mom to let you raise your kids.

[elleng]

10. 'Inside voices,'

my daughters were taught at school; they now work there during vacations. Try 'grandma's house' voices, etc., show her you're doing what you think is best, and tell her you hope she'll accept your efforts.

PLEASE don't worry. Sorry, i know that's difficult, but kids get their ways at home, you are what you are because of your early upbringing, and they will follow that 'rule.'

And they have to 'turn into little shits' at her house because that's her way, and she is entitled to have her way there; When in Rome, do as the Romans do. The kids will understand, I promise, and you can discuss it with them 'later.'

Peace

[JVS]

11. Here's my advice. Yell at them. Tell them "I'm sick of you kids turning into little shits when...

you visit grandma's house. Grandma sees this and starts busting my hump. So next time you kids get my hump busted by grandma, you're going to pay!"

[LynzM]

12. Hugs to you, PP...

Sounds to me like you are doing a great job with your kids - I hope they never have to "get up their courage" to tell you anything. Speaks to how well all that discipline worked for your mom, that you're still afraid of her. :hug: (The same holds for judgment from my dad, for me, fwiw.) Hang in there.