Being Strong and Facing the Pain of a loved one.

[Mike03]

I'm really flunking out when it comes to being mentally strong and facing the diseases of people I love.

It is really getting me down, even though I'm trying very, very hard to be strong and tough about this. For some reason, I'm not doing all that well.

I wonder if anyone could suggest any sort of book or advice or spiritual support for getting through very difficult times.

All of my techniques don't seem to be working that well: meditation, yoga, breathing, biofeedback, weight lifting, exercise.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[lightningandsnow]

1. Hmm.

I'm bad at coping with things, so I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask.

I like to distract myself. It works. I do it by cooking. Or you could read some book that has nothing to do with the issues you're having, and is preferably at least slightly humorous. Dilbert comics work for me.

Another thing that works for me, destressing-wise, is to have a really long bath with some nice smelling stuff. But I'm a total girly girl that way.

Anyways, I hope you find something that works for you. I hope everything works out in the end.

:hug:

[Mike03]

2. Thanks. I need to get better about distracting myself. I tend to ruminate rather

than do things, which just makes everything worse.

Thanks.

[Haole Girl]

3. Church or nature?

Both have worked for me in the past. If you want to find your spiritual side, why not turn to nature?

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. :hug:

[lost-in-nj]

4. I agree about the nature part

if you have a beach
walk it
or a mountain

walk it



maybe...... just maybe hon

its time for hospice and all they can provide....

support groups
a shoulder (I volunteer)
something anything for YOU

do not forget Mike

when my Mom was here and Hospice came and said we can come so you can go out and do what you have to do...... at first I sat at my kitchen table and listened to my Ipod and posted on DU and other sites....

then I would go out for a while.... shopping, pedicure, walking....
I needed to stay balanced or I would not be any good to any one....

aww mike

:hug:


lost

[Mike03]

5. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

You always give me hope, and you are always nicer to me than I deserve.

[SPKrazy]

6. Support groups Mike

find one

the rest are all solitary things for the most part.

you need to relate to others in your same boat.

Universality is a principle healing element of group therapy. It is basically the idea that we are all in the same boat.

That's all.

I've suggested a support group every time you post about this.

The rest is great.

good luck

:hi:

edit: I don't mean to sound like an asshole, but I have suggested this to you several times, you never reply to my posts, so I am giving it to you as suggestion one more time. They work Mike. Trust me on that I know of which I speak.

[Mike03]

7. I think that maybe if I could sleep, it would help a lot.

I wonder if sleep deprivation is making this harder than it would otherwise be. I can't seem to sleep, and sometimes I think it is driving me crazy.

[JohnnyLib2]

8. I agree with Southpawkicker.

Our family has found help from cancer and Alzheimer support groups and other services in the past few years. The first call or meeting makes you anxious, then you wonder why you waited. I bet others feel the same.

Edited to add: a caregivers group was useful, too.

[Hawkeye-X]

13. There is a cancer support group here in DU.

[July]

9. I'm sorry, Mike. I don't know what would work best for you, but

I'm with AspieGrrl on the benefit of distraction. Sometimes there is very little you can do, and you have to disconnect momentarily for your sanity, and to gather the strength to deal with things when you really have to.

I can't give you spiritual support per se, because I am not a believer, but I have loved and lost a dear brother with a terrible illness and now see another brother dealing with another incurable illness, so I can tell you what little I have learned. In my life, there is no preparation for the loss of a loved one, no matter how much warning you have -- it is simply something to be endured. Anything you can do for that person while he/she is alive could make a difference for that person, and that is what you should focus on now. It will give you comfort later, and prevent that awful feeling of "I should have done more." More important, that person needs and deserves support now. Too often we wait till it is too late to help in some way, however small. I have done that, and I have regretted it.

For your own sake, though, disconnect and don't feel guilty about that. It is very, very hard to see someone you care about suffering. It is hard to summon the strength to be good company when you are witnessing their suffering, even when that is what they might want more than your understanding and pity. Break away in your distractions -- or cry your heart out -- and then go back to being as supportive as you can be. Sometimes, you may want to space out your visits, just so that you are not a wreck when you are with that person.

Listen to the radio, pick up a book, work on losing 5 lbs. -- anything that will give you something to go to when you are overwhelmed. And find out who are the people you can go to when you feel you're going to break down. They are the most wonderful and truest friends, who will see you through even the hard, horrible moments.

I wish you well.

[kineneb]

10. I am dealing with this as well

Do something with your hands...I knit, especially when I am sitting with Hubby at the hospital.

Hospice is nice if it works for you. Unfortunately, Hubby would have to stop dialysis to qualify for hospice here. But if he stops, he won't live long enough to get them in.


Understanding the five stages of grieving from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross helps:
1. Denial- This is not happening to (me/him/her).
2. Anger- Why is this happening to (me/him/her)?
3. Bargaining- I promise I will be a better person if...
4. Depression- I don't care any more.
5. Acceptance- I'm ready for whatever comes.

Accept that if your loved one is dying, they are dying. No magic faery dust or miracles from anthropomorphic deities will save them. Start to think about what happens next; leave your options open.

And remember, it is OK to feel bummed out when bad things happen to people in your life. You are not a robot, and are allowed to feel. Cry.

[SeattleGirl]

11. Hi Mike.

I went through that for a number of years before my mother died. For me, my siblings were my best support: we all relied upon each other. We didn't want to bawl our eyes out in front of mom, so we did it with each other. I know not everyone has that, and not everyone is close to their siblings, so reaching out to friends is also good. And, as a couple of people have suggested, finding a support group can be a great resource too.

One thing I see you doing is trying to get through this primarily on your own. You can't. You just flat can't. Years ago, when I was going through another tough time, and worrying about everyone else in my life, I was seeing a therapist. One day, he looked at me, and said, "Who recharges YOUR batteries?" Many of us want to be seen as strong (and many of us ARE strong), but even the strongest of us need to take a rest, need to be recharged, need to take the time to lean on others, time to cry if we need to.

I can't say you will ever handle this "perfectly" regardless of the support you get. I don't know that you can, because of the emotional ties you have with those you love who are ill. But you know what? It's also fine to hurt sometimes too. It's fine to cry sometimes. It's fine to wonder how you can put one foot in front of the other. You can do those things, and then reconnect with your support system, and you CAN go on.

:hug:

[Hawkeye-X]

12. You are not alone. I, too, have to be strong - for my dad.

He's already post-stem cell transplant, day +6, and he needs platelets tomorrow, and I have to stay away from him because I'm sick, and I don't want him to get an infection.

[Fenris]

14. It's hard.

As easy as it is to keep on going, it's very easy to end up hurting yourself. I went for about three or four months not thinking about what I was doing - I didn't even think that I was "being strong," I was just doing. Then one night I found myself saddled with the urge to weep while I was washing the dishes. Emotional exhaustion has a nasty habit of finding you eventually. I broke down for a few weeks and then it was back to normal. I can go about four or five months before it becomes too much. I kind of feel like I'm there right now. I tend to get frustrated and lash out when it becomes too much, which is the last thing I should do. But I think being as bottled up as I am it's the only thing I know how to do. At least it's not alcohol or drugs, but in many ways it's worse.

I've recently taken up writing. I haven't written any fiction since I was 16 or 17, and it's been somewhat cathartic for me to get the story ideas out of my head and onto paper. It sucks, but it's mine, and that's all that matters.

When the weather improves, I'll get back into lawn care, which is also therapeutic for me. It's something relatively simple and relaxing.

The best advice I have is to find something you enjoy and focus yourself on that.

[applegrove]

15. You have to cry hard and often to release some of that pain.