Where I've been.

[GirlinContempt]

This thread will be of little interest to most of you. I don't say that to guilt or shame people in to responding, I don't expect or want that. I just honestly know it won't be. Very few people here are close enough to me that this will have any meaning. And that's ok. I just felt compelled to write this out, and doing it publicly will allow those who do care to read it without my constant repetition.

I feel like a completely different person, which probably goes to show I'm very much the same. My leg/knee is still a constant source of agony to me, and I have no answers. For the last four months, I have been childish. I kept refusing to accept my physical limitations, and somehow I also excused my laziness and defeat because of those limitations. I've never felt so depressed or alone in my life. I lashed out at people. I didn't trust myself, my feelings, my reactions. I didn't believe I could do anything.

That is not to say I can heal myself. The constant pain won't go away because of any choice I make. But, my self pity and defeat can. I've spent a lot of time reading, and sleeping, and being alone. Something in me broke, finally. I've tried to step outside of myself, and go on with my life as the person I am now, and the things I can do now. It sounds really stupid when I read over it. But, I was destroying myself over something that wasn't worthy of it. Not through any intentional act or choice, but my lack of action. My lack of choices.

So, I'm trying to move on. And I needed to be very much alone. I've missed my friends, but if they had been in contact with me at certain times, they wouldn't have missed me. I regret my selfishness and my lost time. But, better regret than continuing blindly.

I still hope to figure out what is wrong with me. To go back to my life without cane or crutches, without being heavily medicated. But I don't want pity, I'm tired of talking about how I am doing, as if all that affects my life is this part of my health. I'm tired of being asked, and constantly explaining. So I wont. I'll go on with life as I am able. I'll stop making myself miserable by comparisons to those who're better off, and stop making myself ashamed by comparisons to those with worse troubles.

It feels good to return to the land of the living.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

1. i really understand that.

we are glad to have you back. :hug:

[KamaAina]

2. Funny, I was just wondering where the heck you'd gone.

If you were in the States, I'd even have some references for you. (But then, you'd need 'em, 'cause you'd have crappy private health care like we do.)

You might be surprised how many Loungers and Duers generally experience disability in one form or another. Hint: it's enough to merit its very own topic forum:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=250

[Haole Girl]

3. Welcome back

I'm not sending pity, but I am sorry to hear you are in pain. Pain sucks...plain and simple, I know. :hi:

[Midlodemocrat]

4. Wouldn't ever regret contact with you.

I'm sorry you've been suffering so badly.

:hug:

:loveya:

[EstimatedProphet]

5. I'm glad you're back

[Solon]

6. ...

Welcome back Sweetie! :hug:

[lost-in-nj]

7. Just wanted to say HI

:hi: :hug:

and welcome back.......
Glad you came back with a great attitude.....
you know we will be here if you need to vent.....


lost

[Redstone]

8. Welcome to the world of The Pain People. It's not a place that's much fun

to live in, but you don't get a choice. You don't come to live in this world on purpose, but once you end up being here, it's not likely that you'll ever be able to move back to The Regular World.

Sorry that I can't be more positive, but that's how it works.

I'd say "welcome to my world," but I'd never wish citizenship in the ranks of The Pain People on anyone.

But it's not the end of life. Really. If you possibly can (and you won't always be able to, no matter how hard you try), you need to look beyond the pain that's become the central focus of your life (as it has for the rest of us Pain People), and derive whatever pleasure you can from the good stuff that's left over.

I'm sorry. The above was a pretty weak effort on my part, and I'll try to do better for you later.

Redstone

[Richardo]

9. Welcome back, GiC

Good to see you.

[GirlinContempt]

10. Thanks everyone.

I kinda suck. I've just been reading and playing Fable and Legend of Zelda, and working hard. I should have checked back sooner. Sorry! :)

[bicentennial_baby]

11. Hey girl....

Missed you. :hug:

If you ever wanna chat, let me know. :)

:loveya:

[Darth_Kitten]

12. What happened to you?

We are happy you are back. Sometimes you just need your own time to figure out things. :)

[JVS]

13. I have total confidence in you're ability to keep on keeping on.

In fact, I would charactarize your recent behavior as stoic. I was aware that you were having some knee pain, but I had no idea that it was so severe. And yet you threw the anniversary party for your parents. No matter which way this all goes, you'll adapt, I'm positive.

[fizzgig]

14. good to see you around

i hope things get better for you