For those of you who have become widows/widowers in the past several years . . .

[Bullwinkle925]

just WHAT did you do to overcome the loneliness?

It is almost 6 months for me now and I think the grief is starting to hit.
I HATE being at home in the evening - the stillness and the darkness are just too overwhelming. I look at the clock constantly wishing it were time to go to bed already and be done with it.
I do try to go out as often as I can - problem is - I always have to return home again.

sigh

Yes - I've begun seeing a grief counselor.
This is the SHITS I TELL YOU!

[Pakhet]

1. I had a 3 yr old, so I wasn't terribly lonely

now my kidlet is 19 so I have 6 cats :) - it gets easier :hugs:

[Bullwinkle925]

2. I brought home a cat the week Lars passed away . . .

somehow - it just isn't the same.

[Taverner]

3. Hugs

I am not a widower, but I have no idea what I would do if Tavernerwife passed away.

She's more than a wife - she's become part of me

And I don't mean that in a googly-eyed romantic sense...

[Bullwinkle925]

4. same here . . .

Lars was such a presence in my life.

When I met you guys a couple of years ago in Berkeley for the Meet-Up - he was down the street at the Alta Bates cancer center getting treatment.
I never thought I would miss going there, but I do.

Thanks for the good words.

[Taverner]

5. Can I raise a toast to Lars?

Anyone who made you feel that good should be honored, as tacky as that sounds.

I'm not trying to be maudlin here - but I know it's sounding that way

I am glad you had the chance in your life to experience someone as wonderful as your departed.

:hug:

[Bullwinkle925]

6. absolutely . . .

he'd be honored.

thanks

[oregonjen]

7. What about an animal companion?

I have no experience with this subject, but would adding an animal to love and care for help?
I'm sorry for your loss. :hug:

[Bullwinkle925]

8. yes - i do have a cat . . .

just isn't quite the same.

it's difficult without arms around you - or lying in bed alone in the stillness.

thanks for your thoughts and hug.

[oregonjen]

9. How about a little lap dog?

The wagging tail, following you from room to room, lots of wet kisses and the best lap warmer ever are really priceless to have. The warm snuggles at night might really help.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

10. My dear Bullwinkle925...

Six months isn't a very long time, esp. when you consider how long you were married...

The grief counseling will help...

I'm so sorry...

Wish there were something concrete I could do...:hug:

[JanMichael]

11. I am so sorry, I feel like a complete moron for asking

are you referring to Lars on DU? The poster Lars? I know--like I said, I feel like a horrible person for asking; but I really liked Lars, and always read the posts---I had no idea anything had happened.

I am so sorry for your loss; I can't imagine the pain of losing a spouse--I never know how to express how I feel about these things.

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

16. No - Lars was her nickname for Larry

:hi:

[WinkyDink]

12. {{{Everyone here}}}

[dembotoz]

13. it just takes time.

I do not want to say that you completely heal, but I will say that eventually the bleeding stops.
Or at least slows down.
Sometimes will hurt more than others, but eventually it will get better.
Start slowly, I found that most decisions I made that first year were pretty much all wrong.
The second year should be better.
things change. People you though you could count on you find that you cant. And people who you did not expect to be decent at all, turn out to be wonderful.
Are there any hobbies you always wanted to take up, any books you wanted to read, any movies you wanted to rent??? Busy hands are not always happy hands, but busy hands pass time.
Just hang in there--it does get better, it really does

dembotoz

[CC]

14. A very close friend lost her

husband a couple years ago. I got her this book Seven Choices: Taking the Steps to New Life After Losing Someone You Love by Elizabeth Harper Neeld and she said it helped her more than any book she read. YMMV but it might be worth looking at the library to see if they have it. :hug:

[kineneb]

15. not there yet... only 4 days so far...kinda numb...

still dealing with all the paperwork.

Late husband was very ill, so most evenings were quiet anyway. I think it will be during mealtimes and the day that I will miss him most. I am already in therapy for other reasons.

Any advice is welcome.

[Bullwinkle925]

18. i think that i began to feel the loneliness and isolation

a couple of weeks ago. it's a difficult time of year for me - tax time - lars was a tax auditor and did several people's returns on the side - including ours.
having to get all this crap together and find someone and deal with it is just awful - i don't want to deal with any of it. i hate this.

[kineneb]

19. I am also doing paperwork

Hubby's death has left me without an income...like $0 coming in. I was his full-time caregiver for three years.

We were living on his SSDI, after spending down all of our "official" liquid assets and going through bankruptcy. So I am applying for all the help our county gives... probably will get food stamps/EBT, as it may be all for which I qualify. I have a bit saved in "unofficial" cash to pay this month's bills, but after that...? I am too young to get widow's benefits.

[Bullwinkle925]

20. you're in an awful place . . .

emotionally as well as fiscally. my heart goes out to you.
my mother experienced the very same when her husband passed away. no income - no retirement pensions - no savings. some of us kids pitched in and did as much as we could to keep her afloat.
i'm also too young to get my husbands SS - fortunately, i do have his pension to keep me going. for that i am grateful.
keep your chin up. feel free to PM me anytime.
hugs to you . . .

BW925

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

17. At least you get to come here for 2 weeks soon

And again, why don't you change your ticket and go to DC with me? It's only another week. Think about it!

[CTyankee]

21. Travel does seem to be a good option for some widows...

I have a friend whose husband was grievously injured when a car hit him and he lived, brain damaged and unable to stand or walk, confined to a nursing home for almost 3 years. He died of an infection. She started to travel (she had a large settlement from the insurance of the car's driver). We went to Europe together and she would talk about her hubby and various things when he was ill and she was a "widow before she was a widow." The trip was wonderful. I didn't know what to say to her so I just listened to her but didn't pry. I remember a rabbi saying it was important to "breathe with" a grieving person...

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

22. Bullwinkle hasn't really been able to travel for years now

She did come to my law school graduation in Pittsburgh 3 years ago, and has taken drives up to Bend, Oregon, but that's about it. I'm looking forward to getting her away from her house for a couple of weeks so she can have a break from the hurtful familiar surroundings.

I'm sorry about your friend's ordeal. Glad she has you.

[CTyankee]

23. Good for you. I hope she does well under your tender care.

As I said to my friend, "everyone needs someone into whose arms they can fall." She had needed several of those. I am just one of them.

We all wish the best for those we help grieve. But it is not easy. You are doing a wonderful thing, I believe.

I wish I could tell people what to say to people who grieve this way. I cannot.