Thoughts about telling people they are "strong" or "a survivor"

[skygazer]

Just some thoughts brought on by a conversation at work.

I'm one of those people who are often admiringly called strong, or a survivor. For the most part, I feel that people offer those words in a positive way, a comment on how I've dealt with adversity.

There are times, though that it comes off another way. There are sometimes people who seem to use those words to almost negate the real pain and struggle my experiences have caused. Often they are people who are going through a tough time themselves and it comes out as if they are saying, "Well, but YOU'RE strong so you can take it - I'm not and I'm suffering." Other times its just people who don't think too deeply.

Sometimes it's people trying to be supportive but not realizing how they might sound. "You're a survivor - you can get through this!" Well, unfortunately sometimes we have no choice but to survive. It doesn't make us any stronger, it doesn't make it any easier to take - it just is. And it sucks. And sometimes being told you're so strong or that you're some sort of "survivor" type just makes you feel like you're not supposed to be feeling the crappy way that you are. That you'd be some sort of a failure if you gave in to the pain you feel.

Anyway, for what its worth... for me, a hug and a friendly ear work better than any pep talks. :shrug:

[lost-in-nj]

1. I have been told I am strong to

by good friends and family....

They mean it and say it with love....
and I feel its my fault because I put on a good face and felt like it was my job to stay "strong" and keep everything and everyone together.....

but I'm not, and when I do break down I actually feel like I have disappointed them....
to the point I am apologizing to them over and over.....

of course they say its ok..... but I don't feel ok with it


:hug:


lost

[skygazer]

3. So you understand

Yeah, most people really do say it with love and mean it. But like you say, you end up feeling like you've let them down if things do get to you.

~sigh~

I've come to the conclusion that it's okay to not feel strong, and that it's okay to be miserable sometimes.

Then I get up, and dust off, and keep moving. :hug:

[lost-in-nj]

12. see

if I get to miserable and break down to far....

I won't be able to pick myself up.... and dust me off.......


I DO understand....

but I need somewhere safe to break....

haven't found it yet


:hug:


lost

[quadriga]

2. I find it best to be honest

Tell people that evolution is wroking against the core of their very being. If I want to cheer them up, I give them a "hey, at least you made it this far."

[nytemare]

4. I told a cervical cancer survivor co-worker that after her surgery...

After everything was overwith, and she was clear, and she seemed to be feeling down on herself, I told her that she should have been proud of herself, and that she was a survivor. She deserved to feel good about herself. She went through a lot. Just a few months prior to her cancer, she had a pulmonary embolism, and was taking blood thinners. She felt bad for her tearful moments when she had to deal with insurance, doctors, etc. The poor woman felt guilty for her human feelings, and would apologize for crying. I'm sure, truly, she was just downright scared, never one to pay attention to herself, always worrying about others. She needed to know that she was appreciated, and she was worthy of her own attention.

After is a little different than during, though. It seems that when people are affected by some sort of crisis, many folks like to offer empty platitudes, and not worthy advice, or a few minutes to listen, or just a kleenex when you feel like crying. One that I hear often is the "God doesn't put more on us than we can handle," or, "everything happens for a reason". Things happen from causes, or purely by chance. There is no reason behind everything. When things happen, you can move forward and find a purpose, but that is not the reason something bad actually happened.

You are a human, and whatever emotion you feel from this circumstance, you are justified in feeling it, and it surely does NOT make you a failure.

I am not sure what you are going through now. I hope that you are able to find a few minutes here and there to do something you enjoy, something just for you, that can help you get through. Whether it's reading a book, catching a show, or, gazing at the sky as your name implies, I hope you can find that time for yourself, and don't feel guilty for it.

:hug:

[skygazer]

6. Thanks, I'm not going through anything at the moment

This just arose from a conversation at work - a friend who was feeling a lot of what I wrote about. I've gotten it in the past, too so I understood.

I hate that whole "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" crap - what a nice picture of god - someone who loads you up with shit just because you can handle it.

Yeah, I don't mean to bitch about sincere sentiment - it's just that sometimes it comes across in a way its not meant to. :hi:

[nytemare]

11. It is all in the intent, I suppose.

And, you didn't come across as bitching about a sincere sentiment, just that you were making a statement about insincere ones.

I think sometimes, people just don't know how to respond, or what to say. You can kind of tell by the look on their faces, sometimes. Then, there are the insincere empty platitude folks who really throw a wrench in the gear-work.

And, I agree, that isn't a good picture of what God would be like. "Let us just see what straw will break this camel's back". As if we were a world of Jobs walking around.

:hi:

[Pacifist Patriot]

5. Those are terms used when I think people mean well but are at a loss for...

how to express themselves. Most people don't realize that in times where someone needs comfort a solid shoulder and a zipped lip are the best tools to bring to the occasion. I was in a seminar recently with a gentleman training to be a chaplain. Several of us with hospital visitation experience wryly chuckled when he said he was concerned about learning the right things to say. 95% of hospital visitation is showing up, being there and listening. Empathizing with someone's feelings and asking if there is anything you can do to address their needs (and sometimes helping them figure out what those needs are at the moment) is about it.

[skygazer]

7. That's exactly it

It's not what you say, its just being there. :thumbsup:

[Pacifist Patriot]

14. I have been at odds with colleagues because of the hoops they jump through...

in clinical pastoral education. Not that I don't find it valuable, but I tend not to give the verbatim details as much weight as simply showing up and being there for someone.

[lizziegrace]

8. Exactly....

I get tired of being "strong and a survivor". I've done it out of necessity.

What I need, like you, is a shoulder, a hug and someone to listen.

:hug:

[skygazer]

9. Yeah, what's the alternative?

Unfortunately, much as I would have liked to at times, I couldn't just curl up in a corner with my thumb in my mouth, rocking and banging my head on the wall.

I don't know as its so much a matter of being a survivor or being strong or just plain necessity. Kids need to be cared for, bills need to be paid, etc.

You've always got a shoulder, a hug and an ear here. :hug:

[lizziegrace]

10. Thanks...

you do too.

:hug:

[Pacifist Patriot]

15. My dad left for 13 months in Vietnam when my twin sister and I were 16 days old.

When I had my first child and was overwhelmed with a newborn I told my mom I could never fathom how she had the strength to deal with twins with her husband away at war. She immediately responded that strength had absolutely nothing to do with it. You do what you have to do given the circumstances you find yourself in. Had the situations been reversed we both would have adjusted to whichever circumstance we were dealt. And she's right. Humans are amazingly adaptable. Call it strength, call it the ability to survive. Whatever. But just because we can do it doesn't mean we don't need loving arms to collapse into, if just for a moment to regroup.

[lizziegrace]

19. We should introduce our mothers to each other

my father was flying with the 82nd Airborne Division when the Bay of Pigs invasion was going on. My father was gone and my mother was left at home with me and my twin sister (18 months old) and my younger sister who was 1 month old and in a body cast because her hip was dislocated when she was born. Mom had a washer and no dryer and 3 babies under the age of two. And while this was going on, her only sister was dying of leukemia in Pittsburgh.

When I think of how bad things are, I remember my mother had it worse.

[Breeze54]

13. When at I'm at my weakest, people tell me I'm strong too....

Sometimes it pisses me off because I know I'm screaming for help and they don't seem to be hearing anything I'm saying and
then sometimes, it's just the thing I needed to hear at that time, to remind me that I am strong and that I can do it! I guess sometimes, we all need a little sympathy and a hug, you know?

:hug:

[The Straight Story]

17. I'll drink to that

Had an assload of adversity last few years, and sometimes I just need people to say they understand and listen, but it is also nice to hear (or be reminded) that I have gotten through a lot and I can this as well.

It's an emotional melting pot :)

[sarge43]

16. I think the best thing to say is "How can I help?" n/t

[Withywindle]

18. I hear you.

It IS meant to be a compliment, I know that, and sometimes strength and surviving is one of the things I admire about myself, and that's cool.

But it's frustrating when people don't seem to want to hear it when you want to say that you're SICK of just "surviving", because that's what junkyard dogs do, and what you really want is to LIVE and not to have to worry about all this shit anymore. And that you're tired of being strong all the time, you want to be able to curl up and cry like a baby once in a while and have someone help you out and not think less of you for it.

Yup.

[latebloomer]

20. Good observations!

I am just finishing up a horrendous year when I was diagnosed and treated for leukemia and then underwent a stem-cell transplant. People were always telling me how strong I was-- and I guess I was-- but on the other hand sometimes you need to cry, to scream, to fall apart. I don't think I did enough of that and now, when I seem to be emerging from the woods and SHOULD be blissfully happy, I sometimes feel depressed.

Which tells me you need to be where you are, even if that isn't STRONG.

[Karenina]

21. I've heard that so often that

I HATE IT!!! It's a clear signal that I'm somehow disallowed to be falling apart or even fully express myself when I am... I HATE IT!!!

[Oeditpus Rex]

22. I'm glad you said this

Not for any benefit of mine, because I'm not a "survivor," but for your own benefit and that of others like you.

Years ago I had a girlfriend who'd been rather knocked around by life. When another crisis came along, I told her, "You'll be okay. You're a survivor." She said, "Yeah, but once in awhile I'd like to do more than just survive."

Most of us, survivors or not, often just need some hugs, a few "I understand"s and maybe a hand or two to get back on our feet rather than "You can do it," "It'll be okay" or the one I really hate, "Snap out of it."

Or, to coin a sports metaphor, no cheerleader ever threw a block.



:hug:

[supernova]

23. I've heard it a lot

in my life. And it prevented me from fully expressing my feelings about very traumatic situations I was enduring at various times. To this day, it is difficult for me to express myself verbally, to say that I need help when things are difficult for me.

As a result, I took to writing out difficult feelings.

I long to hear "I'm here if you need me." from a friend. But I've never heard that. Maybe some of us aren't meant to.

[dolo amber]

24. I really really hate that a lot

I get that all the time from friends and family. I would seriously rather they say nothing at all...the whole "oooh, you're so strong" thing feels so completely dismissive. It's like because I don't go around wailing and moaning when my life is in turmoil I'm somehow not actually *feeling* anything. I have a really hard time expressing my feelings in that way, so I generally just don't. Doesn't mean the feelings aren't there, or that they don't hurt like a bitch and suck. A lot. But as much as I'd prefer I am not, factually, a robot. x(

And for the record, here's to whatever's got you down. :hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

25. I wish I had seen this when you first posted it... I am not strong. I don't want to do this.

I hate myself and the fact that I have to do this. It isn't going to get better with time it just is what it is. My life ended, effectively, on that day. Nothing anyone says gives me hope, or joy, or a reason to look to a future that is just endless years piling up without him. Thanks for the opportunity to vent. I didn't lose my dog...I lost my life. And yet, I have to deal for the sake of the kids. That's what it is.

[skygazer]

26. That's so often what it is - dealing for the sake of the ones you love

Get up, dust off, keep going. I'm sorry, MrsGrumpy - life is damned unfair sometimes. :hug:

[ThomCat]

27. Yes. A hug and a friendly ear is always more welcome

than a pep talk.
:hug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

28. my family does that to me all the time. they make me deal with the hard stuff

and the pretext that i am strong.

yeah i am strong but i still dont want to tell a father that his son has a life threatening condition. and when i tell him i will require emotional support because it will cause me pain, during, before and after.

so yes, i understand why being considered strong has negative consequences.