need some advice re: a friend who just miscarried

[fizzgig]

one of my best friends lost her baby either late yesterday or early today. she was only about four months along and had already had a lot of complications, but the baby looked good during the last checkup. my heart is just breaking for her and her husband right now, they were so excited about the baby.

i've never been through anything like this and i know that everyone deals with grief differently, but i'm hoping for some suggestions as to what might be most helpful.

[siligut]

1. Go and buy her chocolate cookies and give her love.

Or make cookies. I am so sorry, I have seen this a couple of times and the heartbreak is incomparable.

[fizzgig]

3. thank you, siligut

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear kagehime...

That's a tough place for your best friend and her husband, esp. after four months...

Just let her know you're there for her...

Let her talk, and grieve...

Saying things like "It's all for the best" and "I know you'll have another one someday" are not helpful...

Offer to run errands, or do laundry, or some cooking, if you can, might be good...

But mainly just being there for her, hugging her...she'll need that the most.

I miscarried my first pregnancy too, though not at four months...

I was afraid I'd never have a healthy child...

Even now, after nearly 43 years, I wonder what happened, and what sex it was...

I was only 9 weeks along...

Hugs to her, and to you, for being there for her...

:hug: :hug:

[fizzgig]

7. all our other friend and i want to do is just hug her and hug her

we just worry about intruding. we're trying to reach kelly's mom in the hope that she can give us a better idea of whether kelly wants company or just wants her family or what.

thanks peggy :hug:

[Phillycat]

4. 4 months is not "only".

Not trying to be pedantic, but try to remember that 4 months is nearly halfway through a pregnancy, and a significant amount of time to carry a child. In fact, she was only 10 weeks away from the earliest line of viability. 10 weeks away from a living child. So allow her to grieve exactly as you would if a living child had died. And I agree with Peggy, no "all for the best", "in a better place", "you'll have another". Say "I'm sorry" and "I love you" and try to think of everything you can do to help her at this time - cooking and chores are the best.

[fizzgig]

8. that wasn't worded as well as it could be

it wasn't meant to minimize anything and my grief for her would not be any less had this happened two months ago.

thanks for the advice

[fight4my3sons]

5. just be there for her

I've had two miscarriages and was very appreciative of people who didn't avoid me. Don't say things like it happened for a reason. I'm sorry, but that used to really piss me off. Some friends sent me flowers and that touched me and my husband. You don't even have to do that. It was just nice when someone would give me a hug or listen if I wanted to talk about it. A lot of people just want to act like it didn't happen or minimize it. It is a horrible thing to go through and very painful. I'm sorry that your friend is going through this now. :hug:

[fizzgig]

9. i'm so sorry

:hug:

i'm stuck between this place of wanting to do whatever i can for her but not wanting to intrude. i don't want to just interject myself if she's not ready. does that makes sense?

[fight4my3sons]

12. of course it makes sense

It sounds like you are being very sensitve to her and her husband's needs. It is so hard when someone you care about is going through something like this. When I was going though it myself I didn't know what I wanted from people. I don't know if that makes sense. I was just so angry and frustrated. One moment I wanted someone to be there with me and the next I wanted to be left alone. It was just a horrible time in my life. I know it was a very hard time in our marriage as well. I totally pushed my husband away.

[Midlodemocrat]

6. Just be there for her. Remember that this couple was already in love with this baby.

And this is a devastating loss. Tell her how sorry you are, but don't offer platitudes like 'you'll have another'. God willing they will, but they will always remember this baby.

Condolences to your friend.

[fizzgig]

10. thanks, midlo

i'd never seen her smile the way she did when she talked about the baby

[YankeyMCC]

11. My ex-wife and I went through this before our son was born

I really don't have much to add to the above advice (the chocolates are a nice touch :) ), just confirming from the perspective of another person who's gone through this as a parent, to be there for your friend, by that I mean be as supportive as always, be open to discuss and face it but don't press and be sensitive to the pace she wants to set for discussing it. Look for tangible ways to help out with the daily tasks (if you are near enough) without her having to ask, pick up some dry cleaning, bring some food (but don't overdue it).

[Fleshdancer]

13. My heart goes out to your friend and her husband

My guess is that she's mourning so I would do the things we do when someone mourns. I would get a condolences card, flowers, and make her some food and bring it over. If she wants company, I would stay to listen or clean if she wasn't up to talking. I would check up on her periodically to see how she was doing and to ask if she needed anything.

Under no circumstances would I ever tell her that this happened for a reason...that's my big pet peeve in times like this.

[GreenPartyVoter]

14. I didn't lose mine anywhere near that far along but I did become very depressed and

just ached over the loss of what could have been.

Just hug her and let her talk or cry or whatever she needs to do. :hug:

[MissMillie]

15. Make sure she knows you're there for her

that's #1...

She needs to know that you feel her loss. She needs to know that she can talk to you if she needs to talk.

There's likely nothing you can say to make her feel better, so don't try. Just tell her how sorry you are and that you're willing to be the shoulder she'll likely need.

that's it.

She'll always hurt a little at this loss. But eventually, it won't hurt so much as it does now.

[Dulcinea]

16. A friend of mine had the same thing happen recently.

Thanks, everyone, for these suggestions--I've been wondering what I can do, if anything, for my devastated friend. She was also 4 months along. My heart breaks for her. :cry:

I hope your friend finds solace, too.