I need ideas! My Dad's dying from cancer and my Mom's SOOO warn out!

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

I was with them for five days at the hospital, got back last night (slept 12 hours and still feel tired I can NOT comprehend HOW my poor Mom has survived, is surviving the 24/7 caregiver stint for several months!!!!).

Both need comfort and uplifting experiences.

I pasted a bunch of light-hearted cancer jokes but feel conflicted about whether they would be helpful. I've put together a couple of unique floral/plant arrangements. I am packaging a "foot wash/massage" box to personally treat them both with my caring hands. I have a soft pillow with a plum case to give Dad.

What else can you think of, that I could gather before tomorrow when I head back to relieve my poor Mom?

Help!!!!

[lost-in-nj]

1. ok

go there

tell her to go home
take a shower
EAT!!!!!!
phone calls
breath
change clothes


Mom.... I got it covered....

give her peace of mind.....

its a gift



I am so sorry about your Dad


bring old pictures


let him see the life he led
how full it was

AND TELL HIM AND HER



THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

let them know YOU are ok....

this is so hard....

I know

:hug:

keep us posted....

positive. positive......

lost

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

6. Yup. I did that. Geez, I had to lecture and push her to take a day off.

But, I accomplished that mission.

When I talked to her, earlier, I told her she HAD to go the hotel and get showered and SLEEP when I arrive; I would not take "no" for an answer. I kinda' figured she'd need to engage in 'compromise' and she replied, "I won't go, right away. I need to stay and get a handle on his status. Then, I'll go".

:7 Mission accomplished!!!

[lost-in-nj]

7. .....

:hug:


we are here

and there is always PM

I know what you are going through.......

remember

take care of you....

you are no good to anyone tired and sick....

lost


i know how hard this is......

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

14. Thank you, kindly.

I had a weak moment, what I call "collateral intrusion", when driving back home yesterday.

I've learned two important lessons through this painful experience of caring for a dying loved one AND the care-giver: each moment matters and stay in the present.

I cared for my Daddy, by myself, so my Mom could go home and take care. Before now, if anyone had asked me, "Could you handle having to feed and clean and hold someone who is dying?" I would have said, "No."

Honestly, I worried when my Mom left, wondering if I could handle it.

But, I moved everything around in Dad's room so the fold-out chair was in a position I could be across from his face and my hand was readily available for his.

He's been suffering from horrible intrusive thoughts that the hospital staff are trying to kill him. :cry: He wakes up at 2 or 3 am, terrified, wide awake, waiting,...for 'death', I guess. How horrible IS THAT!!!

When he woke up, the 'terrors' possessing him, I was right there with him. I told him to look at me, our faces showing between the hospital bed braces, and held his hand. "I'm right here, Dad. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you. We'll get through this, together."

He and I stayed up, together, all night. When the room was filled with the light of day, he finally relaxed. After he was a "good patient", went 'pee pee' (imagine how humbling an experience to have your daughter help you stand and pull your britches down to go pee,...and clean up, afterwards,...IMAGINE), and ate all his breakfast in spite of the painful thrush in his mouth,...he slept, deeply.

I'd like to believe our time together made him feel better, more safe, secure. Mom said that he's actually encouraged her to take a break. He demanded he not be left alone, a couple days ago.

I've been "moved" by this experience.

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

16. The "collateral experience" was, one year ago, we were all painting my younger brother's house.

He was divorcing his wife who had an affair while he was in Iraq and we were working together to get his house sold.

My Dad was strong, healthy,...working his ass off along with the rest of us.

That memory was a "collateral intrusion" because, I wanted what my Dad was, a year ago.

[yellowdogintexas]

17. all but one thing I was going to say has been said, except one practical thing

the painful thrush in his mouth you mentioned..if there are ulcerations, try using extra strength Mylanta as a balm for them It really helps.
The best way is to mix it with a little liquid Benadryl, and chemo nurses will add viscous lidocaine to it. Talk to the nurses about it. It can give some relief.

My mom's oncologist gave her this recipe for a home remedy when she had ulcers under her dentures.

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

19. They were so aweful,...but, the combination of "melts" and prescriptions,...

,...and "caine" swishes have made an incredible difference over the last couple days.

Poor guy,...shit!,...the ulcers were bloody, for god's sake,...and he was still forcing himself to eat because it was what he had to do!!!!

They are getting much better.

We found sugar-free creamsicles that added relief and comfort to his life.

I wish I would've had your practical insight, months ago, before his mouth got so bad.

[siligut]

2. I am so sorry. Is hospice a choice?

You get help in the home. Ask his doctor about ordering it.

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

9. He's been in the hospital for, let's see,...8 days.

I've been acquiring and providing information about ALL services available. But,...how do I explain it,...????,...my parents, parts of my family tend to be,...an 'all or nothing' mindset: "fight to the death",...geez, I can't explain it.

Well, maybe I can explain it. We would rather die than ask for help?

I don't know.

Every member of my family just CAN'T ask for help. Matters must be so desperate that "help" is required.

:shrug:

I guess we're very proud, too proud?

[siligut]

21. You are not alone.

I have to talk with people regarding this. People go into healthcare because they want to help. By letting them help you, you are filling their needs too.

Hospice people are some of the most wonderful, you will all benefit from having them come into your home, it is a win win. So help your mother to understand that when you accept help from healthcare workers, you are also giving.

Call the senior center in your area, ask them for some care ideas. There are caregiver support groups online, here is a link to one: http://www.helpguide.org/elder/caring_for_caregivers.htm

Also, take into consideration; healthcare workers may be able to make him more comfortable. Some training focuses on that. Hospice workers really are angels.

[CC]

22. Contact hospice yourself.

Many hospitals have in hospital hospice if the patient can't go home. Contact them yourself. They will help your dad, mom and you. They are also the best, most wonderful people in the world and can and do make things easier for everyone during one of the the most difficult times in ones life. The only thing I wish I had done differently when I was my FIL's 24/7 caregiver was to of called hospice sooner than I did by at least a month if not 2 months.

:hug:s Sorry to hear about your dad though. Sending strength and caring for your whole family.

[seemunkee]

3. If he is close to dying contact a hospice

Do it before it is too late. Sometimes it is hard to get in, happened with my mom. Can you get someone to help your mom out with cleaning and fixing meals?
If you dad is in the hospital your mom needs to go home and take care of herself sometimes, its hard but you have to make her do it.
I'm sorry your family is going through this. :hug:

[Parche]

4. I Feel Your Pain

My stepdad has asbestos poisoning, and is slowly going, both are extremely tired,
my mom cant take care of him and her anymore.........:cry: :cry: :cry:
It was very emotional saying goodbye to them, as we left she was waving at us from the doorway
and I had tears in my eyes....
Assisted living is probably the only way???
Let us know on your situation...:hug: :hug: :hug:


:hi:

[Ahpook]

5. We went through this very thing in 2002.

After everything was over, and i am sorry to say it that way, my mother wouldn't change anything she did.

She sat there and read books to him, watched movies, etc. She was worn out after a couple weeks but, it is what it is:( Me and my brothers sat there to let her run home and shower but she was right back and we let them have time.

What was odd(or maybe not)is the last time we relieved her, he started to pass. I called her and she came back and held his hand. She thinks he waited for her to exit the room? I don't know..

Take it easy, all of you:)

[supernova]

8. Went through it in 1996

with my mother. My sister and I traded places. I worked the weekend shift and she was here during the week. We spent a lot of time just holding hands, holding each other. (gently, cancer sores on the inside).

We had hospice at the end and they were wonderful. They came everyday and checked to see if pain meds were adequate, told us what would happen/what to expect. (Dying people do refuse food and drink, for instance)

Relieve your mom. Make sure she goes out to get her hair done, visits with a friend, takes a walk. Whatever. But she needs a break occasionally. Reassure her that you will call her if anything changes drastically while she's out. If she doen't have a cell phone for this, get her one.

Can your dad stil talk? Is he aware? If so, record your conversations. Get him to talk about his life, growing up, first job, meeting your mom, having kids, things he remembers about his parents and siblings. You get the idea. Invaluable family history, and being able to hear his voice will mean a lot to you in months and years to come.

My heart goes out to you.

:hug:

[applegrove]

10. Bring in a cheese tray with all different cheses and grapes so they

can have a picnic. Buy one of those hand held DVD players and rent your dad some movies he can watch as if he were reading a book. That should give your mom some time to herself. Marvin's Room with Diane Keaton is a great movie to watch about being a care-giver.

Sending you vibes.

[greenbriar]

11. get him to talk about happy things like childhood stories ect

and record them


I so miss my dad and wish we had thought to record him as we do not have anything on tape of him

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

18. You've given me another good idea.

Although I can't apply your 'exact' recommendation because he's suffering memory loss, I'm going to make a list of highlights, moments when he made us feel special, and share those with him.

Thank you!!!

[greenbriar]

20. no problem

I just wish we had had more footage of our father to see now that he is gone

[JeanGrey]

12. If you dad is terminal, hospice is your answer.

They can be a god send, especially for the caretakers. Please look into it.

[hippywife]

13. Definitely hospice.

I work in a retirement center with a nursing home and see this kind of thing all the time. It's the only way she's going to get the help they both need.

Wishing all of you some peace and rest. :hug:

[The Straight Story]

15. Damn - not even sure how to reply to that

I will come up with something later, just hits a little close to home and I feel for you.

You are doing a fine job, and if ya need to talk call me.

[kineneb]

23. was just there, as 24/7 caregiver

-take Mom out for meals, make sure she eats
-offer to help her out at home, I bet she has not been doing lots there
-make sure she is getting enough rest

lots of hugs and love to you all... I have just been through the same thing for 2-1/2 years with Hubby. Now I wonder what to do with my life.

[grasswire]

24. music

Specifically, the music of their youth. Or of their faith, if they are religious people. Or just beautiful, familiar music. My mother-in-law had been a pianist for silent movie theaters. We brought her a CD of old tinkly ragtime piano music. My aunt was a teenager during the swing era. I'm taking some swing CDs to her this week, in the nursing home. My mother loved to listen to old hymns when times were difficult. I found a CD of Andy Griffith singing those old hymns and she was eased during her time in hospice by it -- a familiar old voice singing beloved old songs.

[Mz Pip]

25. The only thing I could add to this

would be to see if there is a caregiver's support group available for your mom and your family. She must be experiencing a roller coaster ride of emotions and a support group would be a good place to off load some of those feelings.

She is trying, from what you describe to be superwoman, to do everything possible all the time. Taking a break is not a sign of failure or weakness.

My thoughts are with you and am so sorry that your family is going through all of this.

Peace.

[JVS]

26. Can you call on any friends to help out?

Take them good food. Maybe some candy too. Ask dad if he wants some music to listen to. Lend him your ipod if he needs it. Pretty much offer anything you can to make the last time a more comfortable time. Ask him if he needs to see a member of the clergy.

[JVS]

27. Bring your dad a cell phone and let him call people if he wants.

[Sweet Freedom]

28. Hand massage, too

When my ex's grandfather was dying, one of his granddaughters came in a put lotion on his hands and gave him a massage. I hadn't noticed how dry his skin was and it just soaked up the lotion. He was so grateful. It soothed his skin and gave him a chance to hold hands with someone he loved.

It was sweet.

(On another note... My grandmother had the same fears you describe your father having. Near the end, we brought in hospice and they discovered that the combination of medications she was on was creating paranoia and stomach cramps. Not to say this is happening with your dad, but just throwing it out there in case he's on multiple meds, his fears may be pharmaceutical-related.)

[Bennyboy]

29. I am going thru this right now myself....

Just put dad in a convalescent hospital.(81) More than likely he will not be coming home. Mom (82)has been abused for fifty years and has not had a break from Dad for four years. My son has been staying with her, running errands and stuff, so my Mom can get some time of her own...