Have a Happy Period

[greenbriar]

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter....

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior . You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always....

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

[RainDog]

1. ...knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants

I love that line.

[Lil Missy]

2. LOL!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. What a complete riot!

I am howling!

I haven't had a period in YEARS, thank god, but I do remember!

Kudos to Ms Aarons!

:rofl: :rofl:

[greenbriar]

4. me either

but it is really funny

[rurallib]

5. Oh God I almost wet my pants - wish I had an Always.

[Lorien]

6. Lol! That's a keeper

thanks for posting this. :thumbsup:

[kineneb]

7. good one

having suffered with endometriosis* and serious cramps my whole life, trust me, my period was/is something I dread... can't wait for menopause for it to be all over.

* wound up in the ER when I was 19, was out 4 days later, sans left ovary and fallopian tube...large cyst had ruptured... not a happy association at all...

[greenbriar]

8. I had a hysterectomy about 14 years ago after having a year period

with severe cramping and heavy clotting


I can SO relate to this woman

[CreekDog]

9. For a moment I thought this letter was written to Margaret Thatcher

ah, the irony...:rofl:

[greenbriar]

10. I so remember this

while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus,

[csziggy]

11. That makes always makes me laugh and so does this one:

Wax is not your friend
I never really thought it was

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of Easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the Wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, Play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my Mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of The medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the Bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, You just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair Right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, But I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each Other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I Get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," Yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and Pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I Can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all Wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I Sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same Procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering
The right half of my *hoo-ha* and stretching down to the inside of my Butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace Myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision Returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I Think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has Caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the Glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no Hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see The hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching Wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which Is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG Mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the Slamming of a cell door.
"hoo-ha"? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to Figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to Poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot Water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, Immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it Off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to Torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued Together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the Tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had Cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a Phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some Secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, My butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week, I'm going to try hair color......


*note: this is not, thankfully, and original story but something a friend e-mailed me