My husband left me because he was feeling empty inside......I discovered this email and now know the

[Catsbrains]

truth.

Yup, you guessed it. Simply couldn't take it anymore dude. Ever since I became a manager my status has elevated to rock star status - I just can't say no to the endless stream of pussy throwing itself at me. No shit. Of course that's not the "official" story I gave Cat - told her I don't want kids, my feelings have changed, I want different things than she does, etc. etc. Sucks because she is a great girl who deserves to be happy, but I just can't be that guy anymore. Moved in with a buddy of mine who is also a pit manager @ ********* - dude is the king of all pimps - we share a 5 bedroom house with a massive family room (building a bar a'la Batterson of course) & a sweet pool/spa combo out back. Gonna be a good summer.......

P.S.
Keep a lid on this - no one knows but you.


What a douchebag huh?

[Catsbrains]

1. Guess I should have made this a poll.

What do you think? Is he a douchebag or a man with no integrity or character?

[last_texas_dem]

4. I'd vote for all of the above

I mean, based upon that e-mail...

I don't really know what to say about all of this... except that I'm sorry about what you are having to deal with and that you found out about it the way that you did. I know dealing with all of this is probably difficult as hell for you but, based on what that e-mail revealed about him, I believe that you will be able to eventually be much happier without him in your life. :hug:

[raccoon]

135. I second that emotion!

One day you'll realize you're better off without this asshole.

:hug:

[Sanity Claws]

2. Sounds like you should be glad to be rid of him

How old is he? 19?
Really, you should be glad to be rid of him so you can find someone more worthy of you.
I know you are hurting. When the pain lets up a bit, perhaps you should start asking yourself how you didn't see his real nature. What was it about you that attracted or allowed such a man into her life.
Time for Donna Summers' song -- I Will Survive.

[Catsbrains]

3. Believe me I have already started analyzing every detail of

our marriage. I can already see that he was a taker and I was a giver, hence the attraction. I just did not know he could also be cruel. Bummer.

[Darth_Kitten]

6. I'd send a copy of this to everybody he knows.......

share his cruelty and immaturity.......since you are a giver. ;)

Why are you analyzing every detail of your marriage? The guy's an immature putz. Like an above poster suggested, what is he 19?

He seems 19 going on 14.

[fudge stripe cookays]

95. I like the way you think, hun.

What a prick.

Sounds like the asshole I dated who was keeping a diary, constantly comparing me to his ex. I wasn't as pretty, and my breasts weren't as big, but I was the only chance for sex he'd have for awhile, so he was going to keep me around for that.

Cats, I would recommend a series of books by this gentleman, George Hayduke. I've used one. They're quite worth their weight in gold.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Hayduke_%28author%29

[lunatica]

91. Sometimes it's the man's fault!

Why are you instantly blaming the aggrieved spouse!

[Phillycat]

160. Oh, I don't think he/she is blaming.

Just giving extremely good advice for the OP to get in touch with what part of her is attracted to someone who would treat her this way. Finding the nexus of that behavior is the key to not repeating it!

[Mezzo]

138. As much as I want to agree with EVERY WORD you said...

It's Gloria Gaynor who sung, "I Will Survive".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xv6lHwWwO3w

[Sanity Claws]

142. Thanks for the correction

I always got those two confused.
Both were great disco divas.

[SarahB]

5. The way he writes,

he sounds like a high school boy. Yeah, guys like sex (so do women), but yes, this guy sounds like a first class douche bag in his approach and lies. I'm so sorry. :hug:

[Droopy]

7. Yeah, he's an asshole

I'd be glad to be rid of him. He wasn't honest from the beginning.

[Deja Q]

8. What a devolved piece of toilet film.

I'm so sorry you were treated as dirt by a ball of mud.

:hug:

[RainDog]

9. yes. a douchebag and more

You are lucky to be rid of him, especially before any children made things more complicated.

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling right now, but the truth really can set you free. Who in her right mind would want to have a relationship with the person who wrote this email? -- including the "endless stream of pussy" throwing itself at him. He sounds like a user and so do they. They all deserve each other.

[lost-in-nj]

10. I'm sorry....

funny my stbx husband said the same thing....

lost your a great woman, a good mother and wife you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy, and I just can't be that guy anymore....
same exact words.....


he's screwing the howorker.....




:hug:


lost

[Darth_Kitten]

11. No one knows but you...........

and a few DU'ers. Just a few of course. ;) The lid is off..... :evilgrin:

Not knocking you, Cats, just your hubby. I really hope you can re-group and just nurture yourself for the next little while. :hug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

12. ~Sorry to read this Catsbrains~

:hug:

[NJmaverick]

13. Sorry, I feel your pain

on the plus side at least you know the problem was he wasn't the man you thought he was. Now you have a chance to get a good caring man, who doesn't have a complete lack of morals or ethics.

[Inspired]

14. I'd forward this to his boss.

Ask what the hell goes on in this company. Remind his boss that the line between co-worker flirting and a huge sexual harassment law suit is soon to be crossed.

Would I actually do this? Maybe not but it can be therapeutic planning the revenge.

And thank your lucky stars this asshole is out of your life. He's not the kind of man I'd want to have kids with.

[Darth_Kitten]

15. Good idea.

:)

[hunter]

81. No, it's not a good idea. Patience is often much more rewarding.

A guy like this is doomed by his own hand.

If you light the fire now, it won't be as big.

When he's puffed himself bigger than the Hindenburg, there's sure to be a spark, and you don't want to be anywhere near that place.

[Sanity Claws]

18. Bad idea

Don't waste time and energy getting back at him. The sooner you get him out of your life, the better.
If you really want revenge, remember the old saying, "The best revenge is living well."

[Darth_Kitten]

19. A little revenge never hurt anybody.........

it gets it out of your system. :)

[Sanity Claws]

20. I disagree.

A little revenge actually prolongs the contact. Further, it can provoke retaliation and the relationship continues. A complete severance of all contacts and ties is what's called for.

[Darth_Kitten]

22. I couldn't just never do or say nothing.......

too many nasty people in this world get away with all sorts of crap because some people never call them on their crap.

Why should victims of nasty people ALWAYS turn the other cheek? A little revenge (nothing abusive or illegal, of course) is fair, I say.

[Sanity Claws]

23. I'm not advocating turning the other cheek

I'm advocating that she get on with her life and do things, without regard to him. He should no longer enter her mind; any thought or action taken on account of this turd is a waste of her time and energy.
Apparently we disagree on how one should act following a break up. People have honest disagreements.

[Darth_Kitten]

27. I respect your point of view actually.......

just I couldn't in the same situation do nothing. Yes, there is a time to move on and go on to better, brighter things. :)

Just I did nothing in the past about certain things and wish I HAD done something. :) If somebody is deliberately cruel and mean, I will say or do something.

[hippywife]

56. Calling someone on their crap

and taking revenge are two totally different things. The mentality that seeks revenge is the one that makes war possible.

[lunatica]

94. Use the email during your divorce.

Not to is foolish.

[hippywife]

99. I think you meant

to post this to the OP. :hi:

[IntravenousDemilo]

54. Revenge needn't prolong the contact if it's done efficiently and with a view to finality.

They used to fight duels in the old days to achieve satisfaction, but there are other, more legal ways of being decisively brutal without resorting to a gun.

[fudge stripe cookays]

96. Not if they don't know who did it.

Wait awhile, letting everything die down, and the person won't even expect what's happening to them. It's called karma.

It's also a dish best served cold.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

36. you dont have a right to spite someone professionally because they spited you

personally. i dont think its fair or right. besides who knows what this email even means. why would a management job lead to constant supply of pussy? i have been a manager for years and had no such luck :P

and just cos someone has done something bad to you, you shouldnt become unethical because of it.

[Darth_Kitten]

39. no, but a little private revenge that isn't abusive or illegal......

may just be the thing to get it out of your system.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

41. i disagree. the more you do these things, the longer the person stays in your system.

let it go

[Darth_Kitten]

43. You can't just move on from the start......

it takes a while.

[Tektonik]

49. DO NOT DO THIS

Revenge of this nature never ends well.

Reminds me of when I was a kid.

My younger brother would hit me, and I would always hit him back two times harder. He'd then cry and tell on me, and I would get in trouble. Eventually I figured out that I had to tell on him right after he hit me, or better yet to ignore him hitting me if his actions were not going to evolve into some more conflict, for eventually my mom would get tired of us involving her in our fights and punish us both by default.

[BuelahWitch]

51. Maybe not to the boss

But perhaps print a copy (with headers, so no one can say it didn't come from him) to take with you to the divorce lawyer. Then take the mother fucker to the cleaners. "Pussy" won't stay very long if Superstud doesn't have the money to buy it stuff.

[crispini]

87. RIGHT ON. Clean him out.

I mean, :wtf:

[fortyfeetunder]

74. I think the boss will find out -- won't take an e-mail

Because if this doofus starts sampling the goods at work, and ditches one of them like he did Cat, then he is setting the company up for a major league sexual harassment suit -- if the goods decides to squeal.

The way he's operating, he won't have a job for long...

[avasmom]

148. don't go to the boss...

go to an attorney. if you screw up his job, you are hurting yourself financially. this email is worth $$$.

btw- most guys who brag about 'endless streams of pussy' are trying to sound cool- not necessarily the beneficiary of a kitty farm.

what an ass. he's one of millions... and just remember that you are one IN a million, and can definitely do better!

[BlueJazz]

16. He rather sounds like Me....

..When I was 20 years old playing in a touring rock band.

My feelings now-a-days are a little more caring and mature.....(like a trillion times)

I DO understand what he feels though.....and I don't like him....I know him...

[KG]

17. he isn't 'empty inside'.

he's quite full, actually, of himself.

and there's no room for anybody else in there.

[Bennyboy]

21. OH PLEASE.......

he is just trying to justify your breakup to one of his buddies. Believe it or not, guys talk like this when they are not around women. All braggadocio and "slight exaggerations" of the truth. If he were to post his real reasons to his friend he would not have a friend anymore. "oh we've grown apart", or some shit like that and his friend would just be "way to go all Oprah on me dude".

Really it was private email and you really should never have opened it or looked at it.

[Robb]

24. You know, I had that discussion with my wife

...Myself, I've never talked that way with my friends. Or overheard it. And I spent a lot of time in locker rooms.

I think the braggadocio factor with men is overstated in real life.

[Chan790]

26. My best guy friend talks like this...everytime he's newly-single.

I don't, but some guys really do the sex false-front thing, the "I'm not sad, I'm getting more sex than ever" thing.

[Darth_Kitten]

25. Oh, please.............

This guy is not deep. Don't slime the dignity of your marriage and your partner just to make it right with the boys. :eyes:

I don't buy it, sorry. The guy is a worm, any ADULT male would be ashamed of such an email. Yes, she had a right to see it, it's about HER.

[Mad_Dem_X]

153. I totally agree. nt

[sarge43]

30. Ah no, this is middle school bs

An adult doesn't talk like this. Further, the 'guy' defines himself by valuing his friend more the woman he swore to love, honor and cherish.

There's an oldie, but goldie: Never post on the net anything you wouldn't want repeated in court.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

37. i tend to agree, this email doesnt sound like it has much bearing to reality.

[Catsbrains]

60. Sorry, but I have to call bullshit.

He has been lying to me ever since he left. Told me he wanted to think about things, not get a divorce. However, he bought a new bedroom suite, divided our dvds and books and even took pictures off the wall. This does not sound like someone
who is simply going to think. He began acting strangely and took off his wedding ring as soon as he was promoted.

The friend he sent this email to is 42 just like him. The difference is his friend is married with children. My husband values this friends opinion and I find it hard to believe he would rather tell him he is leaving me due to a "endless stream of pussy" rather than he simply does not love me anymore, only loves himself. I think my husband is showing his true colors and is so self-absorbed that he does not realize how immature and stupid he sounds.

Do grown men really feel the need to impress their friends with macho bullshit? especially life-long friends? I don't think so.

[hisownpetard]

114. The best thing that ever happened to you was finding that email.

Really.
Sounds like a budding Scott Peterson to me.
Get rid of him, and start again.
He's not worth another minute of your time.

[Catsbrains]

121. I agree.

[hisownpetard]

126. That's wonderful!

It sucks that he did this to you, but it's great that you are already clear-headed enough to
appreciate the fact that it could have been worse and are therefore cutting your losses.

You're still young and have your whole life ahead of you to meet the right person and have the children
that you want to have.

Thank God for small favors!! Be strong, till you get to a better place.:hi: :hug:

[Arugula Latte]

141. I'm glad you agree. Thank goodness this asshole is out of your life now.

You could have wasted decades with him.

:hug:

[Mad_Dem_X]

155. "took off his wedding ring as soon as he was promoted."

There's the sign, right there, that he was planning to get other women. What a major-league fucking douchebag.

[last_texas_dem]

67. Maybe a lot of guys do, but I have a hard time believing

it's really *that* common. It reads like the kind of garbage some of my friends back in high school used to claim. (And even back then it always set off my "bullshit detector.") Maybe if the dude's not that mature anyway, and is corresponding with a friend he's not that close to, I could see the idea that he's acting macho to show off, but if he's communicating with a guy he's actually good friends with and still writing this way, that's pretty pathetic.

[Mobius]

28. is this for real?

Wow, it sounds like the beginning of a bad porn movie.
His comments I mean, not you.
OOOOh a pit manager! What a catch!
Dude is king of all pimps? What is he, like 12?
You are not missing out on this loser.
Looks like he did you a favor taking off.
You can take some comfort in the fact that he will undoubtedly die alone, hopefully in a pile of his own vomit.

[Catsbrains]

70. LOL....thanks for making me smile!!

[applegrove]

29. Sounds bad. I'd grieve not just the loss of partner, but the loss of the man

you thought you knew. Yup he's an asshole. Sounds really mature :sarcasm:

[YDogg]

31. I'm damned sorry to hear this ...

... and hope you find out that not all guys are selfish assholes. One of my sisters was trapped in a loveless marriage/relationship for about 12 years, and it nearly sucked the life out of her. Thankfully she has emerged from that episode and is getting her life back in shape. I hope you find peace.

[fighterdem6]

32. yeah what an a-hole

I can't believe the reasons he cites for leaving his wife.

[Orrex]

33. If it makes you feel any better...

He'll feel really empty inside a few decades down the road, when he has nothing to show for his life but a five-bedroom house stuffed full of trinkets (human and otherwise).

And if he's not introspective enough to realize how unfulfilling that life will ultimately wind up being, then you haven't lost much in losing him.


I'm sorry for your pain, but in the end you'd be better off with someone emotionally committed to you, rather than that shell of a man.

[Bunny]

34. I'm so sorry.

:hug:


And yes, he's a giant douchebag.

[pitohui]

35. well he sounds like a real prize

god knows why a dude thinks that saying he feels empty inside is supposed to make you feel any better than the truth, which is that he's your standard horndog

considering the cruelty of telling you that you make him feel empty inside and leaving the email around where you could easily find it -- safe to say this loser is a true shithead and you're better off without him in the long run

[unpossibles]

38. I know you've probably heard this, but you're so much better off without him

he sounds like a real douchebag. If it helps, one day he will look back and realize what a shallow ass he is.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

40. what the hell is he managing? a porn website? a brothel?

what other job comes with that benefit?

[bicentennial_baby]

44. My guess is casino related...

As the term "pit manager" is used, and the DUer lives in Las Vegas. :)

[Sweet Freedom]

42. That's terrible.

If it were me, I think I would have to mail him a copy of this e-mail with a hand written "and me" next to his PS line and a cc to my divorce lawyer.

I'm sorry for the loss of your marriage. :hug: I hope that you find the happiness that you deserve.

[skygazer]

46. I like this idea

Yeah, what a piece of shit. As for the person who said the OP shouldn't have read it - he's the one who put it in an email. If you think the things you write are only going to be read by those you want to read them, you're dreaming.

[Catsbrains]

61. I forwarded the email to both his parenst and his sister.

I've been smiling ever since because the last line of his email bothered me the most......"gonna be a good summer". Not anymore. His family now knows what a fucktard he is and he told them in his own words...priceless.

[Richardo]

76. This move has some very interesting potential...

....I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

[crispini]

89. LOL!

Now that's pretty classic. :rofl:

[derby378]

128. This is what MST3K would call "Deeeeeeeep Hurting"

Hell has no fury and all that. You did what you had to do. Now let the healing begin for you and yours.

I am so sorry you have to go through all this. I'm 41, and I'm married to the most beautiful woman on Earth. Like all couples, we have our own trials and tribulations, but we're gonna pull through them partially because we have enough faith in ourselves and each other to do so as husband and wife. We've known each other forever, and she still loves me despite myself.

I would take a bullet for her.

I hope you find someone who is willing to do the same for you. Hang in there. :hug:

[SammyWinstonJack]

143. ...

:thumbsup:

[Sweet Freedom]

144. Catsbrains

:rofl:

[SoxFan]

45. Here he is in "bar a'la Batterson"

Be strong. You deserve better, and you will find better.

[mike_c]

47. with all due respect, how can anyone know how authentic this is...?

By way of context, when I divorced my ex-- she was an abusive alcoholic, the quintessential mean drunk with some very difficult psychological issues independent of her drinking-- she threatened to post exactly that sort of "revelation" about me, here on DU and elsewhere. She spent several years before the divorce and afterward calling my friends in the middle of the night to tell them fictitious or highly distorted stories about me-- ultimately, most reached the point of flat out asking her to stop calling. Skinner offered to let me change my DU account name so I could hide from the ex. In the end she didn't vent her spleen here, but she sowed lies elsewhere and as far as I know she still does.

Now I'm certainly not accusing you of lying about your ex. It has not escaped me that in posing this question, I have revealed information about my ex that might also be false. Ultimately we're all strangers, more-or-less, so I don't suppose it really matters. But as the recipient of some pretty nasty-- and untrue-- hit jobs by the ex, I've learned that people who air their personal lives for whomever will listen sometimes have issues that go beyond the stated reasons for posting.

I've been accused of lacking empathy for folks going through a hard time who seek support here in the Lounge. I prefer to think that I simply speak plainly to people who've asked for advice. Mine is to not air personal grievances among strangers who have no way of responding objectively. I've lived with someone who does that. I know her pain was real, just as I'm sure your's is, but I also know her way of dealing with it was to lie to strangers in hopes of obtaining empathy.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. If your husband was an unremitting scumbag then you're better rid of him. Wallowing in the hurt and seeking allies among strangers only holds you more inextricably to the past. Perhaps you should move on.

:hug:

[Lyric]

53. How do we know that anything posted here is authentic?

How do we know that the story *you* just told is even the slightest bit true?

In the end, the only reason any of us believe one another is because the default empathy/sympathy response is to assume truth until a lie is proven. People who are overly suspicious usually end up hurting others. I don't know if you remember back when OMC's wife passed away, but a few DU'ers posted similar (although uglier) things to what you just posted, questioning how we could know that he wasn't "making it all up". I found that to be about as inhumane an attitude as I had ever seen, and I wound up Ignoring several people over it.

I've been on the receiving end of relationship lies, too--but nothing EVER hurt me more than telling the truth about what happened and being disbelieved. The injustice and overwhelming hurt of that is almost impossible to describe in mere words. Since her ex isn't some personal friend of mine, and her story doesn't affect my life, I'd rather err on the side of being compassionate and supportive.

[Catsbrains]

64. Thank-you for defending me.

[mike_c]

83. not at all....

I've simply offered mine.

edit-- oops, this was meant to be a reply to #62.

[mike_c]

86. *this* reply is meant for oktoberain....

Sorry for the earlier confusion.

"How do we know that the story *you* just told is even the slightest bit true?"

My point exactly. I might simply have used the opportunity to spread false information about my ex to obtain sympathy from DUers. I can assure that it's all true, but what's that worth?

I think the real answer goes deeper than that, though. The OP doesn't seem to be asking for advice at all. Instead, she seems to be using the folks in this forum to exact some sort of revenge. "Look here at what a douchebag my husband is!" Nothing good can come of that.

Just my opinion, of course. Offered in the spirit of open discussion.

[avasmom]

149. if we don't know each other in real life

what f-ing difference does it make? why should anyone LIE to perfect strangers? and why would a perfect stranger CARE?

if a name were posted, if we knew this guy, i could understand the skeptic's response- but to be skeptical about what is basically a hypothetical situation (since we are all virtual folks here) is to expose oneself as more than a bit jaded.

if you don't believe the story is true, just don't respond. its easy enough to ignore a post- but since you have no factual basis upon which to lay your disbelief, is it really worth it to take the chance of hurting an already aggrieved spouse just to vent your personal bias?


what you've done is exactly what you accused her of doing. you told us your ex-wife was/is a liar. its a bit odd that you'd respond to this in such a way rather than to choose not to respond at all.

[mike_c]

158. point taken....

As you suggest, there is something in the OP's action that struck a bad chord with me, probably because I've been the victim of similar hit jobs in the past. I *could* have ignored it. I *did* feel compelled to comment. I suppose that's just the nature of forums like this one.

BTW, welcome to DU!

[avasmom]

162. thanks for the welcome

as you might have suspected, i felt compelled to comment on your comment (????LOL) for similar reasons that you made your comment... oh, nevermind.

[Catsbrains]

62. Hmmm.. I thought the point of the lounge was to get opinions, advice, whatever..

guess i was wrong according to you.

[Catsbrains]

71. Well it has only been a month since this whole thing started so

everyone telling me to "move on" can stop that line of advice. I need to go through all the stages of grief. I know I will move on eventually but come on, it has only been a month.

[mike_c]

84. is posting someone's private email and calling them a douchebag...

...in a public forum one of the stages of grief, or is it simply vengence? It just struck me as a bit unseemly, partly because I've been the victim of that sort of trashing. You asked for opinions-- I offered mine. I certainly meant no disrespect.

[crispini]

90. Eh, it's pretty anonymous here....

and anyway, sometimes it's nice to get it all out. I know if this happened to me, I'd want to do the same thing. Now, a pattern, like you described, happened to you, well that's not cool and is over the top, but hey, a one-shot "look the hell at THIS omg!" I can certainly excuse.

[Catsbrains]

108. do you know him? do you know me? NO....so how am I trashing anyone?

[Whoa_Nelly]

48. Am so sorry for any and all pain you've had to go through

He is an incredibly callous and shallow jerk.

You absolutely deserve better in your life :hug:

[Bennyboy]

50. Let me guess.....

He had either a 40th or 50th birthday in the last couple of years or has one coming up soon.

Been working a long time at his job. One step up, two steps back for most of it.

Nothing is as good as it was before.

The thing is, he is doing the mid life thing. And the one way he can get his macho back is talk about the # of females he can do, even if it is a lie. Get his balls back, so to speak. Especially to his friends. Even more so to his single friends who are also bullshitting about their sex lives. Sex is how men measure their worth really. Not money. SEX. That is why really rich powerful people blow the whole deal, over sex. And no married man is considered a "Stud" to other men.

When a guy reaches a certain age, no matter what it is, how successful he is, no matter how beautiful you are etc, there comes a time when it is just not enough. He cannot articulate it really. It is just not happening for him. And he knows something needs to change. And now. So the first thing is the marriage. Then it may be the job.

And flirting with women is basic way for a guy to find something different, right now. Man, to have a woman give you that wink, the subtle signals is really intoxicting to man that has not seen that for a while. To have that "First sex" with a woman is a fantasy. Face it, No married couple's sex life is a good now as it was before. That magic is not there for either of you.


But when he finds that that is not really the thing he is looking for, he will return to the guy you loved.

So really look for the good things about him. You loved him and those qualities are still there. but right now he is just acting up. And stay out of his personal space.

******And quit posting personal shit here about your marriage. he could find out, if he doesn't already, and start monitoring your posts. And then BAM, he retorts. And you will not like it and then it will get really really ugly. In a place where you live. This is my experience anyway, it happened to me. Thought I was posting privately and my ex came on a thread and told a bunch of lies. that was three years ago. On that board yesterday, there was a thread about the content of that post. I have to monitor that board 24 hours a day to insure that her lies are not still posted there.*******And it sends me into a panic attack every single time.

[Catsbrains]

65. Sounds like you are his best friend..making excuses for his bahavior.

I don't need your comments anymore.

[Bennyboy]

68. Not making excuses but trying to give you some insight....

I only have about dozen of my friends, myself included, that behaved in pretty much the same way after our divorces, separations etc.

Or did you just come on here to bash on your ex without someone replying with a contrary point of view?

[Catsbrains]

69. I would never do to him what he has done to me.

I meant my vows. Apparently you think his behavior is excusable because he may be having a md-life crisis. I don't buy it. He lacks integrity and character, not to mention self-control.

He was going to have a "good summer" knowing full well I was devastated and heart-broken. This is cruel and unforgivable.

[BeachBaby]

78. Who the hell do you think you are?????

Way to fuck up a woman's head, Bennyboy.

Have you ever been accused of having a tact-deficiency issue? If you haven't, let me be the first to bring it to your attention.

THINK about what your words convey to people. THINK.

Jesus Christ.

Are you aware that your broad-brush generalization of men, has made women like myself, and the OP, and others here who have been cheated on, that it will be impossible for us to fully trust and love a man again????

Basically you're saying that men grow tired of having sex with us. They need variety. They need ego boosts. Essentially, you're telling us to not waste our time on men - do you realize that?

I'm not even sure what you tried to accomplish here, but I will tell you what you DID accomplish - you've just screwed yourself, and quite possibly, many other men here, who may be trying to form relationships. And you've also made countless women - who have read your vicious words - suddenly re-evaluate their relationship/marriage, wondering if they've had the wool pulled over their eyes for the entire duration.

Get some help, Bennyboy, before you destroy the hopes and dreams of too many more people.

[Bennyboy]

85. Right, I invented the mid-life crisis.......

Until my post everything was hunky fucking dory between men and women.. And if you put so much importance on my words to make you feel that every standing realtionship here on DU is doomed thanks to my post, then you really have much larger issues.


Sorry if I just tried to give someone some perspective of what men go through. How do I know this? I am one. I have meetings with men discussing this very issue 3 times a week. Every single one of the newbies comes in with stories about what studs they are, how many women they are seeing etc. After they settle in, the truth tends to bubble to the surface about why they blew the thing up. Quite a few were also recently diagnosed with depression and that is root cause also. "I feel empty" that sounds exactly like depression. but for a lot of men, admitting you have depression is like admitting you have a weakness.

The sex is like self medication. It is the male of the species most basic instinct. "Sex will fix me". "Maybe if I have more sex with more women I will feel better". "Maybe if I have a prettier woman on my arm I will feel better". But it is not true. After a while they find out how stupid and meaningless it is. Almost to a man, after a while they all wish they could go back to their wives. I know in my case I would have had the opportunity arose. But she married a younger guy and when he got to forty it was ....."welcome to the divorced Men's group"...


The thing is it is not about sex really, it is something else. It is very hard to articulate really. (explaining my Men's group sessions)It is just something different.

But the thing is this guy, or any guy, did not just wake up one morning and say, hey I am going to dump my wife and screw every woman I see. Things had to be pretty noticeable for quite a while, that something just was not working in the marriage. "I feel empty" was probably the truth. probably moreso than the emails.....

[JVS]

102. LOL! Shame on you for inventing the mid-life crisis!

[BeachBaby]

103. Back-pedal much?

YOU said:

"When a guy reaches a certain age, no matter what it is, how successful he is, no matter how beautiful you are etc, there comes a time when it is just not enough. He cannot articulate it really. It is just not happening for him. And he knows something needs to change. And now. So the first thing is the marriage. Then it may be the job.

And flirting with women is basic way for a guy to find something different, right now. Man, to have a woman give you that wink, the subtle signals is really intoxicting to man that has not seen that for a while. To have that "First sex" with a woman is a fantasy. Face it, No married couple's sex life is a good now as it was before. That magic is not there for either of you."

I'm not placing so much "importance" on your words, Bennyboy. Believe me, "important" is hardly the term that comes to mind.

My point is this....there are alot of people on this message board who have been through the heartbreak of a divorce. And alot of them thought everything was fine until the day of the "big announcement". While I will admit that you may have a point about men not just waking up and suddenly deciding to leave the wife, I can guarantee you that almost all of them never even gave the wife a warning shot.

You mention "depression" and how that's just not a manly thing to discuss with other men. Why in the hell would they discuss it with other men??? The wife is the partner. If something is wrong with the marriage, you discuss it with your PARTNER.

So you're saying that instead, the "depressed" guy ends his marriage and seeks fulfillment with girls - yes, I said GIRLS - to make him feel better about himself. And then after he realizes that the GIRLS aren't "partner material", he realizes what he's lost, and wants to go back to the wife. And I suppose, in your little world, the wife should be standing at the front door with open arms.

I have ZERO sympathy - ZILCH. NADA. ZIP. - for men who are so fucking stupid as to seek out GIRLS who are young enough to be their daughters/granddaughters, in order to cure their "depression". Uh huh. Yeah.

Maybe if men actually thought with the mind they were given, instead of with the equipment they can't control in their pants, they wouldn't walk down the aisle, promise eternal love and fidelity, knowing full well that they are already most likely tired of having sex with her. YOUR WORDS - not mine.

Sounds like a lovely group of friends you got there. I have no idea how old you are, but I would say that both you, and your "depressed" group of friends, need to grow the fuck up.

[Catsbrains]

112. This did come out of the blue for me. As I said we were trying for a baby and he had

just given me a card stating how much he loved me and would never leave me etc... As soon as he got promoted he became cold and distant and stopped telling me he loved me.The email seems to verify this. I kept asking what was wrong but he said he didn't know. He started working out like a fiend and took off his wedding ring. He began to go to work early and stay late. All the red flags. I told him he should talk to me because after all I was his wife and I was here for him. Nothing. Then he decides he needs to leave to think because he feels "empty" inside. I think his promotion went to his head and some girls flrted with him and boosted his ego and he decided he wanted to be sigle again. Whatever. We will be divorced in about a week and I took him to the cleaners. I went with my gut and filed. I didn't get the evidence until after I filed. I am happy I can at least trust my judgement again. Thanks for listening!

[fudge stripe cookays]

101. .

:applause:

Pricks always stick up for each other, don't they?

[quip]

147. I agree with JGD here, Bennyboy. Your advice is complete horseshit in my opinion.

Further, I would like to point out that your experience as a man does not give you license to speak for all men. As a man, my experience is otherworldly compared to yours.

[crispini]

92. Oh MAN. Please, with a mid-life thing, buy a car, buy Viagra, wtf-ever.

This is a really asshat way of blaming the person HE CHEATED on. :eyes:

[BlueIris]

97. Woah. Yikers. And ew.

This post reads like it was written by Adam Corolla, or some other misogynist, infantile, one-dimensional "man." I feel sorry for its author, and any adults he has inflicted himself on lately.

Therapy. Lots of it. Now.

[PeaceNikki]

111. The ONLY point that I agree with you is the fact that posting personal shit can bite you in the ass.

I've said it to others here... it can bite you in the ass.

[Skittles]

129. LOL

you really make men sound like hugely PATHETIC creatures :puke:

[IntravenousDemilo]

52. Take that "taker" to the fucking cleaners! He doesn't deserve you, but he'll deserve that. n/m

[hippywife]

55. Sorry you are hurting, sweetie.

But it sounds like you are better off without someone this totally shallow and selfish. He'll regret this decision one day. Know that he will.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[ThomCat]

57. That totally sucks, but

better that he's gone sooner instead of later. That is obviously someone who doesn't value monogamy, and he was clearly just a cheating bastard waiting for an oportunity. :(

:hug:
I hope can get past him and find a much better relatioship with someone better than him.

[mulsh]

58. sounds like a great guy...

to be rid of. what a shallow fool. I bet he's miscalculating if he bases his worth on some job title. I have a feeling the "endless stream" will be drying up pretty quickly when the girls start chatting.

It hurts now and will hurt off and on for some time but you may be better off. remember that living well is the best form a revenge.

oh and just for yucks here's my favorite curse- "may his genitals soon turn into dust"

[grasswire]

59. are these pussy throwers co-workers?

that would be sexual misconduct

[Critters2]

63. I am so sorry. You must be devastated.

It may not help to hear it, but you really are better off without him. I've seen this more often than I like to think about, and I always feel just heartbroken for the woman (in the cases I've seen, it's always the woman who's been screwed, tho I know it can go both ways). I'm just so sorry.

Oh, and yeah, I vote douchebag.

[lildreamer316]

66. Translation:

I'm scared shitless that I'm missing out on something, because ONE woman made a pass at me, and I'm insecure and is my wife the only woman I'm going to sleep with for the rest of my life? And I never learned the value of commitment and what a real love relationship looks/feels like, so I'm unsure of my feelings for my current spouse. I see all these unhappily married people, and these supposedly happy single people, and I want to be happy! I don't want to miss out on the party!

..he dosen't trust himself,or his feelings. He's looking for validation outside himself. He feels insecure and wants reassurance. For some reason, he dosen't feel he can 'party' with you - act young and carefree; have a good time, I mean. I don't know why he has this perception.

Sorry that he took this way to try and figure it out. He's an idiot.

Bet you MONEY he will come crawling back within a year, give or take. You will laugh, and he will learn - we hope.

[Catsbrains]

73. Thanks for your insight.

He is a narcissist and I don't believe he has it in him to come back and admit a mistake. But the rst of your post seems like a good possibility.

[Blue_In_AK]

72. You are so much better off without him.

Sounds like a jerk to me.

[fortyfeetunder]

75. Good riddance to him

Little does he know that sampling the "endless stream of p***y" is setting the company he works for a major league sexual harassment lawsuit should he do someone wrong. Just this letter is evidence....

And you want to be rid of him now before his "rock star" life goes down the tubes.

[BeachBaby]

77. Aw, honey.

:hug:

I'm guessing you're about my age (39). I went through this kind of divorce too.

I'm still processing what Bennyboy said to you - and by "processing", I mean trying to stabilize my boiling blood while I post to you.

It's people like Bennyboy, whose ignorant generalizations may be taken too literally by women who, already burned once by a man, will not allow full love and trust to ever enter her heart and life again.

I wish I was a moderator today - his post would be GONE. And so would he.

[Catsbrains]

80. Thank-you.

I am 37 and am especially hurt because we were getting ready to start a family. He had been putting up roadblocks for several years and he finally agreed it was time to start trying. I am angry that he wasted my time while my biological clock is ticking. I am getting older and it is daunting, to say the least, to start over. My ability to trust has been shattered and this is a bad place to be when all I want is to have a happy marriage (something I thought I had) and a family.

Thanks for your understanding.

Luckily there aren't alot of posts like Bennyboy. He is obviously the president of the club my ex joined.

[NC_Nurse]

79. Don't waste your time grieving over this asshat.

You are now free to find out what life without a shallow loser as a partner is like. ;-)

[Botany]

82. "endless stream of pussy throwing itself at me"

Take care of the kids and tell him good-bye .... he is in for a fall.

[lunatica]

88. I found a letter in my husband's suit from his girlfriend

Who happened to be the old girlfriend of his best friend who decided to be a priest. So basically he cheated on me and went behind his best friend's back. Yeah, his best friend was a priest but he was also in love with the girl, and she loved him back.

My husband was an abuser yet from the letter it was obvious he was claiming to be victimized by me!

Believe me! It's better to be alone than in such bad company!

I left him when I was able to do so without getting killed by him. It was a classic abusive situation and I had a toddler to take care of.

[JVS]

93. Discovered? How did you get this email?

[lost-in-nj]

107. believe it

or not



they WANT to be found out......


and YES i know


been there
done that


along with to many others...

lost

[JVS]

110. I'm wondering about method here.

Very few people WANT their email account raided for info.

[lost-in-nj]

122. unless they want to be found out

and have an easy way out

because they are cowards....


unless you have gone through this...

you have NO IDEA the hints and innuendos.....


blatant



lost

[BlueIris]

98. He isn't just the "d" word, he's pathological.

I'm really sorry you were married to someone so mentally FUBAR-ed. Don't take him back, 'kay? And good luck with the decisions you'll have to make now.

[mikita]

100. I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling right now...

I've been this road -- married 23 years and now 16 beyond it. But I can recall the hurt, and the trust that vaporized, as if it were yesterday.

You seem to already realize that you've got to take the time to grieve --- hell, you're not even through the shock yet...

Lots of good thoughts have been sent your way.

I would just like to add: I was able to forgive (notice I didn't say FORGET) the very bad way my former husband behaved. I honestly think part of it for him was not knowing "how" to break up, especially when the person you're "dumping" isn't someone you can point to and readily say "WWWITCHHHH!!!!". So he handled it badly, and I wish he'd been more mature (at 45), but we both came through it OK. At some point, I think you'll see that harboring ill feelings will only hurt you and not him, but you probably won't be there for awhile yet. Right now you I imagine you'd like to run over him with a Mack truck.

One thing that worked for me was to keep a diary of my feelings, and as I re-read them I realized at some point I was having better days than not. I hope the same for you. I REALLY do.

:hug: Mikita

[A-Schwarzenegger]

104. And when you confronted him, he said the email was all bravado & lies?

Right?

[JVS]

105. Could the email be anything but that though?

I see two possibilities here

A) The letter is BS (perhaps with a tad of truth about infidelity but certainly no "endless stream of pussy") and the husband did tell the truth when he claimed to feel "empty"

B) Claiming to be empty was a lie, the husband totally feeling fine and he is actually on some kind of high spirited sex-romp that would put Casanova to shame.

I don't see why the OP would give a shit one way or the other. Both are totally awful. Their relationship is over. Although I have some serious skepticism about B being the truth.

[BeachBaby]

106. Why would the OP "give a shit"???

Because, as she said, he gave her the impression that their marriage wasn't working because he "felt empty inside". I am not the OP, but I think it's safe to assume that, just as I did, she has been racking her brain, trying to figure out what she did wrong.

She did NOTHING wrong, as stated in his email - unless her "wrong-doing" is that she only has one pussy.

[JVS]

109. But it's essentially a wash

If he's sincerely feeling empty then there's the "why am I not fulfilling enough?" issue like you mention.

If he's actually the wannabe teen horndog that the letter portrays, then the whole marriage was a hideous sham. She must be wondering how she could fall for such an immature asshat.

Both ways totally suck. Best to forget it and move on.

[fudge stripe cookays]

113. That's just SO easy.

It's not just about him being a dick.

It's about not being able to trust yourself again if you were fooled this badly by someone. That's not something you can just ignore and move on from. It's debilitating, relationship-wise. You begin to wonder what the hell is wrong with you if this person so easily fucked with your head.

It sucks having someone lie to you, and feeling that a relationship was all just bullshit, when you took a vow for it all to be for real and forever.

[Catsbrains]

117. Yes....I can't figure out how he fooled me all this time. I feel like a fool.

Perhaps he should get an oscar because I really believed this was forever and he was my best friend. I never lied. I never cheated. I just assumed he felt the same way since we took VOWS and told me at least five times a day he loved me up until two months ago. Now I am afraid everyone is lying to me. I am traumatized and I think I may need to get some counseling.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

119. You did have the strength & courage to divorce him BEFORE you received the email.

[Catsbrains]

120. Well, as I said there were alot of red flags. I made a list of all his strange behgavior

and the list was very long. Each thing by itself would be nothing but all of these things taken together pointed to a cheater.

[fudge stripe cookays]

123. Awww sweetie. I'm so sorry.

I have been there in a way, although it wasn't a marriage.

It was a several months-long relationship (see my post above a few inches), and while he was telling me every wonderful thing in the book, in addition to things like "Trust me," he was writing something completely different in a diary that I found by accident.

He was a fucking user, and I couldn't believe I'd been taken in. Counseling definitely helped me. If you can afford it, I would recommend it. This is not your fault, and you need some reassuring of that. In the meantime, here's a :hug:

[JVS]

132. Yeah. That totally sucks. But I'd get the counseling and try not to think of it on my own.

It's bad shit, no matter how you slice it.

[Catsbrains]

115. Exactly. I couldn't figure out what I did wrong and it was driving me nuts.

When I found the email, it was a shock but also a relief that it was not me afterall. He is just a selfish douchbag. He was going to let me think he was taking time to think while he was instead chasing women. Meanwhile I was devastated and heart-broken.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

116. If you confronted him, can you say what he said?

[Catsbrains]

118. I did confront him by email and he said the following:

Obviously that is just bullshit male bravado from one college roommate to another - trying to put a machismo face on a very devastating event in my life. I'm sorry you had to read that & I know no matter what I say you'll believe what I wrote to him was the real truth. I have no idea how that got sent to you.......very strange to say the least.

[Shine]

124. I'm sorry, it sounds like he's still got some growing up to do.

he sounds incredibly immature.

I'm glad you filed. Onward and upward.... :hug:

[RetroLounge]

125. "Keep a lid on this - no one knows but you."

right...

:eyes:

RL

[AAARRRGGGHHH]

127. Your ex husband sounds like

a complete jackoff.

[cemaphonic]

130. Ugh, same thing happened to my sister-in-law

Dumbass cheated on her with a younger woman, told her that he didn't love her anymore, and got a divorce. Then, after the bachelor fantasy life fell apart, said he didn't mean it and begged for her to take him back (which she had the sense and strength not to).

It won't be easy, but your family and friends will help you put your life together. I can guarantee this - inside of 5 years, that empty feeling of his will be for real.

[FloridaJudy]

131. Something similar happened to me

Some guys still haven't figured out that "deleting" a file doesn't disappear it forever - you have to overwrite that puppy or it's still there. After my ex left because he had to "find himself" - "No, there's nobody else!" - I found some very interesting correspondence with some co-respondents on my hard drive.

But your ex takes the monumentally crude jerk award. You need a hug.

[Mezzo]

133. I think you should show up at one of their parties and hand that e-mail out like candy.

like an instant chastity belt.

[ellie]

134. King of all pimps?

Good lord.

[Mezzo]

137. Truly, how old is this guy?

It's nice to know he is more concerned about pimpin' than he is about his own family.

What an asshole.

[ellie]

140. What's he gonna do next?

Kick it with his homies? Bwahahahahahaha! I hope the OP lets him know that a large contingent of strangers think he is a fucking tool.

[meegbear]

136. At least you know the type of person he really is ...

good riddance to him.

[Highway61]

139. I am so sorry you are going through this

Many of us here have been down that road. Believe me when I tell you that you WILL get past the pain. It is a grieving process and can't be rushed. However, get someone you can talk to a get it all out. The sooner you do, the sooner you can get better and stronger. You may not see it now, but when you get further down this road you will look back and breathe a sigh of relief that he is gone. You deserve better and will find better....that is a promise. :hug:

[Blue_Tires]

145. at least you know the truth now

better sooner than later

[yellowcanine]

146. Yes he is a douchebag but If I were you I would talk to a counselor, not share this with strangers.

I think it will help you more. Douchebag or not, you were married to him and you will need to process that history before you can move on. It is not going to happen here. You are at a vulnerable place. Take care of yourself. No one else can do it for you.

[LeftyFingerPop]

150. Wise words. n/t

[SarahB]

156. Good advice.

I went through a divorce a few years ago and at the time, posted much more here about my personal life. I made a HUGE mistake by revealing my own personal stuff. It just ended up hurting me more. This is a major thing in your life. Don't trust it to people who will not give it the care you deserve.

[jobycom]

151. Wow. Sympathies. I've found love letters to my wife before.

Even though I knew she was doing it, they hurt.

Just expect to feel lost, betrayed, confused, sick, angry, depressed, and most of all, like you've lost part of who you are. You'll grasp for answers and feel confused when you can't get a grip on them, and you aren't even sure the questions are clear.

It's shock, like a death in the family. It goes away to some degree.

One good thing: he's gone. I made the mistake of forgiving so she could keep doing it. Some people are users, takers, and completely self-absorbed, and he's one of them.

Hate him. Feel justified in the hate. Eventually you'll have to forgive to move on, but hate is good for a while. Keeps the focus on who is to blame, rather than letting the inevitable "What's wrong with me?" questions eat you up.

And if it helps, I hate him, too. Bastard. I hope he catches the diseases he deserves and marries someone just like himself. You can't say it, but I can! :)

Just my thoughts, based only on my experiences. Your mileage may vary. I'm not a professional, and have never played one on tv.

[Mad_Dem_X]

152. Holy crap!

What an immature asshole!

You're better off without him.

[TexasBushwhacker]

154. Please tell me you don't have kids with this guy

Children are wonderful, but I'd hate to think you're going to have to get child support from this tool. At least without kids, you can get him out of your life for good.

[grace0418]

157. Good grief, how old is this guy? He sounds like a 15-yr-old trying to sound cool.

I'm so sorry Catsbrains, and you probably don't want to hear this but you ARE better off. Does he honestly thing the "endless stream of pussy" A.) isn't going to move on once he's a little older or a bigger "rock star" shows up and B.) is going to be by his side when he's sick, or needs help, or needs someone to listen? What a fool.

He sounds a lot like my uncle. My uncle died, alone and miserable, from alcoholism and diabetes at 57, a pathetic wreck with no friends and no one to love him. The "endless stream of pussy" (a description he probably would've used, btw) was nowhere to be found when he needed love, compassion, companionship. But hey, I hope he enjoys his summer in Never Never Land.

:hug: to you Catsbrains. Your ex was right about something, you are a great girl who deserves to be happy.

[MilesColtrane]

159. Well there's one thing he wasn't lying about.

He IS empty inside.

Be glad you have your life back.

[kath]

161. What a misogynistic asshole.

Men who love and respect women would NEVER use the phrase "endless stream of pussy" to refer to them. And they don't refer to 37 yr-old women as "girls".

Sheesh, imagine him as a father, exposing his children to all his women-hating attitudes, along with all his other major problems. :puke: