guys, have u ever had a girl not want to leave u alone

[blue cat]

after u broke up with her? what helped or hurt?

[Lydia Leftcoast]

1. It's the same for guys and girls, blue cat

If you've broken up with someone and they won't leave you alone, you have to not see them, not talk to them, not accept their phone calls or e-mails, not hang out with them as "just friends." If possible, tell their friends to get them to lay off.

People who have a weak sense of self-esteem or who are inexperienced can get obsessive after a break-up.

[lizziegrace]

2. I agree

there's only been one person I dated that I've remained friends with over the years. Explaining why and cutting all ties worked best for me.

Good luck. :hug:

[blue cat]

6. just described me

i don't know why i can't let go. i'm hating myself right now for not being able to stop calling and emailing.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

7. So YOU're the one who's always calling and e-mailing?

No wonder she's getting mixed signals!

[siligut]

8. blue cat, don't hate yourself.

:hug: I am sorry you are hurting. Can you look forward and see the path you are on? Calling, emailing, stalking will not bring this guy back.

I had a boyfriend in college who told me about a girl who stalked him; all it did was contribute to his already inflated ego. He said if she had killed herself over him, that might have been interesting. We broke up pretty quick after that.

Get out, walk, and go out with other friends. Don’t dwell, things work out for the best.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

9. Wait a minute, I'm confused

Blue cat, are you the guy or the girl in this situation?

Either way, you have to break off all contact, mourn for a while, and then keep busy and active, preferably among congenial people.

[blue cat]

11. female

we've been dating for about one yr. broke up before and got back together after begging him back. happening again - can't seem to calm myself. going on a trip to ny that i planned only last friday to give me some perspective, but i can't seem to let go. i need help but i stopped getting counseling after we got back together last time. i just asked him to lend me $200 for my trip, he said yes but offered to drop it off my work so we wouldn't have to see each other somewhere else.

[skygazer]

13. You should not be borrowing money from him either

blue cat, think about this - what is the value of someone who only stays with you because you beg him to? Don't you think you deserve someone who is with you because they want to be with you?

Borrowing money from him is a bad idea - all it does is keep a connection that, for your own sake and to allow you to move forward, is better off severed.

In my opinion, of course.

[blue cat]

14. i know

i think that i asked so that there would be contact later.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

16. Give up, blue cat

The break-up may not make sense to you, but believe me, once a person's affections have moved on, there is, in 99 cases out of a 100, NOTHING that you can do to bring them back.

I've seen people make themselves crazy trying to win back an S.O. who 1) clearly didn't want them anymore, and 2) treated them badly.

Cut off all contact. Mail back the money that you borrowed (don't give it in person), even if it means canceling your trip. If he's agreeing to lend you money, he may actually ENJOY stringing you along.

You deserve someone who wants to be with you and is honest with you. If you can't have those, frankly, it's better to be alone.

[blue cat]

17. i don't think he enjoys stringing me along

i asked for the money this am to see if he would give it to me. also borrowed his camera. both to keep contact with him.

[skygazer]

12. First of all, you need to re-frame the thing in your mind

Words are powerful and make ideas that are powerful as well. When you tell yourself you can't help something or that you can't do something, you give yourself permission to do it.

Tell yourself right now that you CAN and WILL stop this destructive behavior. Because it is destructive and will not result in any good.

Then find things to do to keep busy. Be conscious of your behavior, take ownership of it. If you feel the urge to contact this person, remind yourself that you WILL not do it.

Breakups hurt, no doubt about it, but there are better ways of dealing with it than stalking someone!

[RainDog]

43. you are responsible for your feelings and actions

you CAN "let go." -- even if you hurt inside, even if you want to be with him, you can be that person who does not contact the guy. you should be that person. -- for yourself.

there is no way in hell I would ever "beg" anyone to be with me. why? if someone wants to be with you, they choose to do so. if you try to manipulate someone into seeing you by acting as if you can't cope, etc. that person will still not want to be with you, but will start to resent the manipulation.

I know this from my own experience of someone manipulating me. We broke up over it and could never fix it because manipulation isn't love, it's neediness. Not the same thing. No matter if love is there or not.

there is no such thing as one true love. we are accidents of geography and time. you can and will find someone you'd like to be with... and the FIRST person you should find is yourself.

I know I may sound harsh, but I want you to stop pitying yourself. Stop treating yourself as tho you deserve to be dumped.

YOU have to decide actions to take to deal with your emotions, to get past this self-punishment. Someone with no self-respect is not someone who is in a place to have a relationship.

You can do these things. Stop thinking about him and think about how to deal with where you are now in life.

[KitchenWitch]

3. I am a woman. I had a man that I broke up with stalk me for almost a decade

after we broke up. He wanted to kill me.

It is the height of sexism to assume that it is only women who get crazy stalky after a break up and, quite frankly, I am offended.

[DS1]

4. I don't think he was implying that

It's his experience as a guy to ask other guys about it. Sure, he ~could~ have worded it a bit different, but the guy uses 'u' in place of 'you' so draw your own conclusions from there.

[KitchenWitch]

5. I have a hair trigger for those types of statements.

That will never change.

[Inchworm]

18. Ok- I'll stop stalking U

Coffee, tea?

:yoiks:

[siligut]

10. I had a guy stalk me across states.

It says more about the stalker than the stalked. I made him feel good about himself, but he made me miserable. One of those guys that feels he has to break a woman to control her. What an ass.

He called members of my family; they actually tried to comfort him until he started to threaten my life.

I changed my number, moved, although moving was part of my work at the time. I finally changed my name. That did it.

[HEyHEY]

22. Uh, I think when it comes to stereotypes around stalking men have the market cornered.

[blue cat]

41. i'm a woman.

so the market isn't cornered.

[Deep13]

15. Um, no. Never. nt

[blue cat]

19. he just came by work

and gave me the $200 cash. i think he delivered to work so we wouldn't have a conversation. i asked him if we would ever get back in the future and he said anything is possible but don't hope for it.

[skygazer]

20. So he does enjoy stringing you along

You may not be able to see it but that reply pretty much screams it out.

You got a lot of good advice in this thread, virtually all of it saying drop it and get on with your life. Really, that's what you ought to do.

[blue cat]

24. i know

i have appt this afternoon with md. she will be frustrated to hear that my bad behavior is still occuring. lord knows i'm trying, but i hurt so much.

[RadiationTherapy]

27. I am not sure of your history, but I had issues moving on from some relationships.

My only advice is "keep your dignity". Whatever that means to you. I have saved myself by keeping this advice in mind. No matter how I felt, I would no longer give up my dignity. Not ever again.

[blue cat]

30. I hope that i can say that in the future

because no diginity left. got a rx for xanax today in hopes that i can eat and get on the plane thurs to ny so that i can finally set myself free.

[kwassa]

33. Get some counseling

it will both give you good support in this very difficult time period, and help you look at some of the issues around why you cling to someone who doesn't appreciate you.

[amitten]

34. Love love love love love love love

yourself.

It really doesn't matter who else does, though it hurts. Sometimes, both people love, but in different ways.

[HEyHEY]

21. Have sex with one of her relatives.

[ronnykmarshall]

23. A grand parent is a good start.

[JVS]

28. Or a close friend of hers.

[MissMillie]

25. the only time I ever made an issue of speaking to a guy after he broke up with me

was the one guy that decided that the best way to break up was to not say a word and just disconnect. He stopped answering the phone, he didn't have email. He didn't answer the door....

It was horrible. I got no closure whatsoever.

Until one day I heard he got married and that his bride threw him down a flight of stairs.

I guess I just wasn't dysfunctional enough for him. :shrug:

[Bucky]

26. Still, that's a great story!

What delicious confirmation that it wasn't you, it was him.

[skygazer]

29. I once sent a sympathy card to a woman who married an ex

This guy was such a loser - he'd dated her before me and they'd remained friends which I didn't care about. Until one day I was supposed to meet him at her house and found him sitting there with her on his lap.

I asked him what he wanted and he said it was up to me, implying essentially that he wanted me to fight for him. :rofl:

I just turned around and left.

When I heard they were getting married, I sent her a sympathy card. Years later when they were long divorced, I ran into her and she admitted I'd been right about him. :)

[NewJeffCT]

39. that's weird

he wanted you to fight the other woman for him? He must have a rather inflated opinion of himself.

but, after I got divorced, I did occasionally enjoy the calls I'd get from creditors looking for my ex-wife - she loved spending money and almost drove me into bankruptcy, and obviously hadn't changed her spending habits over those next few years.

[JoDog]

31. You've already taken the first step

because you are questioning whether or not you're on the right course. That's good.

You need to keep yourself from going down the road that takes you from the normal feelings of regret at the end of a relationship, to something darker and illegal. I know, because I've been at that crossroads recently myself. If I may offer some points of advice:

1. Return the money and camera. You've acknowledged that you borrowed them just to keep a connection to your ex. That's not a good reason to do anything right now. It is not fair to either of you. Get a money order for cash, pack that up with the camera and mail them (insured) back to him. Include a note explaining that you realized that borrowing them wasn't a good idea at this point in time, and thank him for doing it anyway. While this may mean cancelling your trip, which is depressing, you will be the better for it in the long haul.

2. If you are on any medications, make sure to take them. You mentioned something about seeing your doctor and "bad behavior". If your treatment includes meds, keep up with them. I know it's easy to say the hell with it (I've done that), but you can't make good decisions if you are not thinking clearly.

3. Eat carbs. Sounds silly I know, but eating carbs ups the amount of seretonin (good chemicals) in your brain. That may help keep you on an even keel. I found this out when I tried the Atkins diet with disasterous mental results.

Remember, you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. Breakups are learning experiences--a chance to learn about yourself. Good luck, blue cat.

[blue cat]

32. thanks

now that i don't have any dignity with him, nor any self esteem, i should start over. i hate that he got the better of me.

[JoDog]

37. Ah, kitten, don't beat yourself up

Starting over is a good idea. It's tough but you can do it. What's more, you're worth it. I don't know you, but I know you are, just the same! So often, we are more willing to give other people a second chance, but we won't do it with ourselves. We forgive others, but we don't forgive ourselves. Give yourself a second chance at being the person you want to be.

The toughest lessons I've learned in my scant 31 years has been knowing when to let go, and when to forgive myself for doing something wrong. The next toughest is that people can only make me feel bad when I allow them to. Don't give this guy any more power over you. Step back a moment and imagine what advice you would friend in same situation, then take it!

You're clearly a smart woman. You can do this.

[blue cat]

42. Great advise

but you know some people, never take good advise. i plan on keeping money/camera just to have contact in about ~ 2 months. i know this is conniving.

[Pierre.Suave]

35. Yes...

she was very upset that she wasn't getting any more of my great lovin...

:evilgrin:

I am seriously not kidding, she followed me around campus for months... I would see her outside my classes, at the cafeteria, in front of my house, everywhere I went.

She wanted me, bad...

:P

after reading this thread, I want to edit my comments by adding this: The only thing that worked was completely ignoring her. It might seem cruel, but it was necessary. She eventually got the hint and moved on. I never saw her after that.

[blue cat]

36. ok

has anyone ever taken anyone back because they were broken hearted after a breakup?

[harmonicon]

44. yes, but it probably won't happen in this case

I've had two long term (as in over a few years) girlfriends in my life. One I broke up with, and she wouldn't stop calling, emailing, sending letters, etc. Eventually I started deleting the voice mails and emails without even opening them. Honestly, it's really annoying. If this guy's like me, he's not at all happy about going through the break up, but this kind of thing probably just makes him 1. reminded of how it's sad, but also 2. remind him why it was the right thing to do.

In another case, I was on the other side of a break up. I didn't do any weird calling or anything. After a few weeks, I wrote a letter, and a while after that just sent a quick message asking if we could talk. After several hours on the phone, we decide that we'd talk more again, and after a few conversations like that, decided to give the relationship another shot, and it's worked out so far. I think this is a pretty rare case though, and during the time we were broken up, I went to a therapist, and that helped a lot.

...... since you guys have broken up a few times and gotten back together, maybe it will happen again, but it doesn't seem like he's interested in that. Also, this borrowing of things for false reasons is kind of creepy. Trying to be friends isn't creepy, but fake trying to be friends is. Give it a few months without seeing him or talking to him, and see how you feel. If you still really miss him then, that might be a time to call and see how he's doing - not now.

[DFW]

38. Never happened to me

But then I was the dumpee, not the dumper. Fortunately, that
only happened once when I was 20. I was devastated for 2 years
and then met the love of my life and never looked back.

[Phillycat]

40. The first thing you want to do

is stop spelling things like Prince or a text message. Your life will improve from there.

[Richardo]

46. You are so wise.

:loveya: :pals:

Nothing Compares 2 U :D

[Guava Jelly]

45. .

.

[blue cat]

47. thanks to all

going home, taking a xanax, then celebrating the first night not calling him. i hope to god that we can get back together in the future, or at least for me to forget.

[blue cat]

48. thanks to all

going home, taking a xanax, then celebrating the first night not calling him. i hope to god that we can get back together in the future, or at least for me to forget.

[IronLionZion]

50. rid yourself of the ability to call him

lose his number/email/screenname/etc. Then when temptation strikes, you still won't be able to do it. That should help a lot.

Find something fun to keep yourself occupied and take your mind off of this.

[DemocratInSoCal]

49. When It Rains It Pours

An ex-girlfriend, who I hadn't dated in a couple of years, proposed to me a few months ago.

Basically said to me, that if we were both still single in 2 years, that she wants to marry me.

[blue cat]

51. how do you feel about it?

[unpossibles]

52. Has not happened a lot, but you know what helps (but sucks)?

Do something which will make her (or him) hate you.

Sucks, but it works.

[blue cat]

53. i'm the dumpee

think repeated calls and emails will make him hate me. didn't call last pm or today so maybe i will be ok. ya'll have been my shrinks which has helped me a lot and i appreciate it.

[unpossibles]

57. oh. hmm.

That doesn't work so well as the dumpee.

good luck. We've all been there, if that helps at all.

[City of Mills]

54. Sorry

You sound like you're really hurting in the self-esteem department. I once (long-time ago) had a girlfriend who took a breakup hard, and would basically do some of the things you've mentioned - borrow things, money, sometimes she'd call and tell me how lonely and depressed she was. For a while I helped her out and kept in contact, I felt bad and I didn't like that she was feeling hurt. But after awhile I realized this person was an anchor on me and their inability to move on was preventing me from moving on. Eventually I stopped returning her calls and eventually changed my number, so that was the end of it.

On the flipside, I got separated from my wife a year ago, and I've been fighting to get back with her. At first, it was tough - I missed her so much, and we had spent so much time together I had a hard time adjusting to my now-emptier life without her. I was really down and depressed and she would return my calls now and then to check up on me (she felt bad for me). I realized though that I was now burdening her because I couldn't move on. You should never do that to people, it's horrible. I also realized I had nothing to offer her - my life had become centric around the relationship and all my activities revolved around her. Therapy helped, I realized how few interests I had outside of work and the relationship. And I was still needy, so what was in it for her??? That's when I realized it was time to carry on as if we'd never get back together. I began taking care of myself. I got into my health as a hobby and began exercising regularly (mostly to alleviate my anxiety but it actually became addicting). I started to read again. Before long, I had rebuilt somewhat of a life and I was able to get through the days without sighing and a heavy heart.

Now, my wife and I are much better - I have my own things going on and my wife is much more interested in my life now that it doesn't entirely revolve around her. It's funny how that works! I don't know if we will get back together or get divorced at this point. But at least now I know I'll be OK without her. At the very least we've rebuilt our friendship and that is hugely important to me.

In between here and there, there were a lot of lonely nights and my house is quieter than it should be, but I truly have my self-respect and confidence back. You'll get there too, but TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You have a broken heart, and a broken heart NEEDS time to mend. Don't cling to the past, if it's meant to be, it will happen but it will have to be a new relationship. You can't go back.

Remember, bad things happen to good people, that's life. You'll be OK, just concentrate on your own needs right now. Just don't beat yourself up over things, it doesn't help. You can begin change your life starting today...just take one step.

[blue cat]

55. thanks

trip tomorrow and xanax has done wonders for me. i just couldn't get that anxiety feeling out of my stomach until last night when i relaxed and my sister and my niece did an intervention last pm to help me get ready for my trip.

[kwassa]

58. and work on getting rid of the xanax.

Chemicals won't take care of your life problems for you, it will only delay them, and eventually create new ones.

The way out of pain is through it. There is no other way. Everything else is only avoidance. You will not die of a broken heart, but you will feel seriously bad for awhile. Things do get better, though.

[blue cat]

59. i won't stay on it forever.

one script, that is all i got from a md that i work with just to get me through the trip/plane ride. they don't give that stuff out easy. i do have a medicinal reason to take it at this time.

[Zavulon]

56. In one memorable case, a restraining order. (NT)

[DarkTirade]

60. Well first, make sure you don't accidentally have sex with her.

I've made that mistake before. Whew. That was a mess.

[YDogg]

61. I read the entire thread. Sorry to hear about your situation ...

... but taking care of yourself may well mean not having this guy in your life. No guy/gal is worth this level of obsession. And the part where he said you might get back together but don't count on it? It sounds like he just doesn't want to piss you off. It sounds over to me even without knowing more. I'd do something to avoid the guy. You deserve to be with someone who is passionate about you, and there is bound to be someone in your circle of friends or acquaintances who can help you find a decent guy to hang out with. But for your own sanity, you really need to let this go. Give back the camera and the $$. Again, it sucks, but you deserve better than this.