WANTED FOR HIRE
Customer Service Representative for a former Fortune 500 company. Responsibilities will include working holidays, nights and weekends, listening to the problems of anywhere from 100 to 1000 people from all over the world every day, taking care of the children of absent parents, lifting disabled people into and out of their wheelchairs, occasionally going for several hours standing without chance of food, drink or trips to porcelain facilities. Starting pay of $9/hour, quickly escalating to $18/hour after only 10 1/2 years!
Must be willing to wait for and/or ride a bus an average of 45 minutes each day after driving to the company's lot for transport to and from its facility. Must be willing to accept responsibility for the bad decisions of every member of the company at every level above yours. Must be willing to correct the mistakes of every person who has previously mishandled every customer; to explain why God does what he/she/it does; to have total recall of certain events which took place hours, days and weeks in the past; to justify that which can't be justified; to explain that which can't be explained; to reissue tickets, collect money, redirect traffic, maneuver a loading bridge, make announcements, call various coordinators, push various wheelchairs, watch various unattended children and bags, simultaneously within an extremely tight time frame and with the possibility of being audited and reprimanded by members of management hiding in secret places.
Must be willing to withstand occasionally crude and vulgar outbursts by members of the public. Must be willing to be told a billion times during the course of a long career that the person in front of you has absolutely no idea how to speak or understand any language that you speak. Must be willing to attend daily and, at times, nightly briefings in which the shortcomings of the least competent of your coworkers are brought to your attention as if they were your own. Must be willing to risk cardiac arrest in order to pad statistics.
A possibility exists that you may be furloughed or forced to accept a part-time position for anywhere from one to five years. In the event of a promotion to a different department, you will be placed on a pay scale equal to someone of half your actual amount of seniority.
Benefits include sick leave, free travel privileges, holiday pay and paid vacation. However, do not attempt to get sick during a holiday unless you are a good friend of a doctor. Do not attempt to use your free travel privileges to go to any place that anybody else would actually want to go to at a time when anybody else would actually enjoy trying to go there. Do not expect to get any worthwhile holiday off during your first twenty years of service. And if you do desire a day off, do not expect to be granted it, or, if you are, do not expect to be told you have that day off until 24 hours before that day comes.
Due to the exceptionally high volume of interest in our position we are unable to process paper applications, so all expressions of interest must be submitted via email. We will respond promptly within two weeks to two years of the receipt of your email.
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