Is My Friend's Boyfriend Gay?

[liberalpragmatist]

My closest friends and I have been engaged in a long-running debate over whether one our best friends (let's call her Sue) -- whether Sue's boyfriend is gay.

Sue and her boyfriend -- let's call him Dan -- have been together on and off for two years. The relationship is a fairly unhealthy one and emotionally tortuous, yet she has stayed with him because she feels nobody else really understands her or loves her. Likewise, he stays in it for companionship.

Yet the rest of us are convinced that there's something fishy about Dan. Although neither are religious (and although he claims sex "isn't a big deal to him"), he wouldn't have sex with Sue for nearly two years. Since they've finally done that, they've only done it a handful of times over the past 6 months. Moreover, when she first tried to get him to have sex, he resisted and resisted, claiming various "illnesses" (most of which seemed like transparent lies, despite his actually having a few chronic medical conditions) and then claiming that a surreptitious hip injury due to a biking accident (never happened) would keep him from having sex for 6-9 months.

Moreover, even now she has to coax him into doing ANYTHING intimate, and he recently made a condition that they can only have sex if she agrees to give him a massage.

Overall, he just doesn't seem interested in Sue, despite her being a VERY attractive girl who gets lots of male attention.

Now, he could just not be attracted to her. Or maybe his (actual) illnesses/medications really do interfere with his drive. But overall, he just doesn't seem very attracted to her. He never wants to spend time with her unless she's accompanying him doing something he likes, and he seems utterly interested in her on an intimate level. It could just be that he's - for whatever reason -- just not interested in sex. And that's possible -- everyone's different. But she's clearly unhappy and should break up with him.

I should note that none of us know of him ever doing anything with a guy. And he's in the past made bizarre claims like gay men could never be aroused with a woman, ever. So I don't know; it's a very bizarre situation. He doesn't seem gay outwardly, but his behavior in the relationship just seems odd.

Any thoughts?

[Chan790]

1. ...

:popcorn:

[KitchenWitch]

2. Is there butter on that?

:popcorn:

[Catsbrains]

19. LOL....thanks for making me smile!!

[Droopy]

3. He could have a schizoid personality

Not interested in sex or developing close relationships. Narcissism. Emotionally distant or cold.

[liberalpragmatist]

9. You know, that might just be it

"Dan" does fit the criteria to a hilt.

[Catsbrains]

20. This sounds like my ex and I think it was narcissism but

sometimes I wondered "Is he gay?". I asked him just before we got divorced and his answer was "Don't be ridiculous." He didn't get angry. Makes me wonder.

[XemaSab]

4. I can't judge someone else

but yeah, something's fishy here...

[begin_within]

5. Who does he look at?

[SeattleGirl]

6. It could be that he's asexual, not gay.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality

[UndertheOcean]

7. Maybe he is asexual ?

When they do it can he get it up ? maybe he is afraid that he can't perform.

This happened to me , I just stopped getting erections 2 years ago , EVEN when masturbating , it destroyed my marriage.

Viagra raises my Blood pressure and heart rate to a dangerous level,ended up in the ER the third time I tried it (I thought I finally found the solution to my problem before it gave me the worst headache in my life) , so that was not an option.

I can tell you it sucks , If "Sue" wants to have sex she should break up with him, unless she loves him more than sex.

There is always oral sex to consider.

[liberalpragmatist]

8. Yeah

She says he gets it up when they are intimate. It's just the he never wants to be intimate and he's fairly cold and passionless even when they are being physical.

[UndertheOcean]

10. check this

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder

[liberalpragmatist]

12. Yeah

Droopy suggested that. I have to admit, that describes "Dan" very, very well.

[HEyHEY]

11. I think Dan is treating Sue the way half the women I know treat men.

[JVS]

17. zOMG! Maybe they're secret lesbians!

[SoCalDemGrrl]

13. Gay for sure.. tell Sue to drop him before she wastes more years with

this closeted guy.

Been there done that... all the signs are there..

[orleans]

14. difficult to say. n/t

[u4ic]

15. He could have been sexually abused

There are many things he could be - but it's useless speculating if she is fine with things the way they are. She's the only one who can make changes if she's not happy, regardless of why he is cold towards her.

[JVS]

16. Maybe he has another Girlfriend whom he loves more. Tell your friend!

[tjwmason]

18. "Doesn't seem gay outwardly"?

May I ask how one manifests being gay except through relationships with/attraction to people of the same sex?

[BlueJazz]

28. I think the best way is to put a Judy Garland CD on and see their response.

:) :)

[liberalpragmatist]

40. He's never shown an attraction to other men

That's all. And when "Sue" has asked gay friends if they think "Dan" is gay, they sort of shrug, saying that his behavior is suspicious but that their gaydar doesn't really seem to pick up on anything.

[JoDog]

21. His sexual orientation

is a secondary question here. Yes, if he is gay, asexual, has a history or abuse or an undiagnosed illness, it might explain a lot. But the primary questions should be: is Susan happy in this relationship? Does he treat her well? Is she fulfilled? Is the relationship otherwise spectacular enough that she could live with oral sex and sex toys as her release?

From what you said, the answers to those questions are resounding "No"s across the board. It sounds like Susan, despite the beauty you mentioned, has a problem with her self esteem, or a fear of being alone. Both of which are normal feelings to have. It's only when they keep us in abnormal situations that they become problems. There is also a problem with honesty in this relationship--rather than Dan speaking about why there is a sexual barrier, he lies and keeps her guessing.

Susan needs to see that there are other fish in the sea, and that she deserves a complete relationship. Take her out more. Encourage her to flirt, or sign up with a dating service. Let her know what an incredible person she is, and that Dan doesn't deserve her if he can't treat her right.

[liberalpragmatist]

41. You've described "Sue" fairly well

Sue has severe emotional issues. Though she's very close with her family, her father is pretty authoritarian and can be very emotionally abusive (basically telling her that anytime something involving her goes wrong, it's her fault). Her mother is fairly submissive to her father.

She's sort of absorbed those characteristics in her dealings with "Dan," and on a much worse scale. Her parents, at least, seem to otherwise have a decent relationship (fairly close, loving -- just pretty authoritarian). Despite her "loving" Dan, however, the two of them don't actually seem all that comfortable with each other.

Why she stays with him is a mystery. I guess she just suffers from a fear of being alone, as you said. She's openly said that if she leaves him "where does that leave me?" And that she's unhappy, but she's always going to be unhappy, so why try to fix it?

She has actually come close several times to dumping him -- then always pulled back. Nothing seems like it can break her bond with him -- she's even contemplating staying with him when college finishes this June -- and he moves to Seattle and she to Dayton, OH. She last came close to dumping him last fall, when they had a fight -- he refused to call their relationship "a relationship" and refused to call her his "girlfriend," claiming that "the label shouldn't matter," and "I don't have time for a really committed relationship."

To describe the whole situation gets a little soap-ish. (I swear, among my friends, that vast majority of us -- all college seniors -- have very tame, boring or nonexistent sex lives, so this has been quite entertaining on some level.) Anyway, in response to Dan, Sue said, fine, then let's not be exclusive -- let me date other guys, and he agreed. After seeing a few (both of whom would have been good catches for her), she started hooking up with and then sleeping with our other best friend, "Noah." Me, Noah, and Sue are all best friends, so obviously I found it awkward to suddenly be third wheel to my best friends. But the two of them seemed happy. And she and Noah had initially said they wouldn't have sex, but when Dan consistently refused, and then kept lying, Sue and Noah decided to sleep together. Sue said that she wanted her first time to be with someone she trusted and when her "boyfriend" refused, she preferred to do it with her best friend, not some random guy.

So Sue and Noah slept together several times, even while she continued seeing Dan on a nonexclusive basis. However, Dan found out. And even though they'd been nonexclusive, he told Sue that she was forbidden from seeing Noah ever again, and that if he ever found out she had, he would dump her. So the whole thing has cost quite a bit of drama, because now Sue has to pretend she's not hanging out with her friends. Of course, she still sneaks out and does -- and she's still sleeping with Noah, on and off.

She shouldn't cheat. But I have to admit I'm sympathetic, because her relationship with Dan is so unhealthy. But she needs to break up with him, and nothing seems like it ever does -- even being with a guy like Noah, who has developed feelings for her and with whom, she says, the intimacy and chemistry is great (and she's always really happy after she does stuff with him).

STILL, she won't break up with Dan. So we've all about thrown our hands up in the air.

[JoDog]

43. Sue needs professional counseling

it sounds like she is in a cycle that's she's going to have to break. But she can't do that alone (I speak from experience). Encourage her to look into what services the college offers before she graduates. Just tell her that she doesn't seem as happy as she used to be, and maybe talking with a professional will help, especially since this is such a stressful time in any soon-to-be grad's life.

There might be only one person who might be able to stop that cycle in the short term: Noah. Has he ever asked her to leave Dan and go with him, full time? If not, it may be time. Dan does indeed sound controlling.

And when she says "where will I be?" Say "You'll be with your friends. You'll be with us. You'll be with Noah."

[BeachBaby]

22. They've been together for a long time now, so why hasn't

she asked him about it? Or has she?

Everybody's different, but if it were me, and I was in this relationship for the long haul, I would want to know his intentions for the relationship.

Let's face it - sexual attraction/physical chemistry is a primary factor in how romantic relationships start in the first place. This is something she needs to nip in the bud before this relationship continues any further. JMHO. :)

[Zavulon]

23. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

...then Sue's boyfriend is probably gay, but no way to be 100% sure unless he's caught in the act or on tape.

Sue, on the other hand, has some real problems. Her continuing to stay with a guy like that makes me wonder what her father was like. No offense to your friend (or to you), but even if I were unattached and she's as attractive as you say, I'd never date anyone so troubled. She's either lacking in self-esteem, IQ points or both.

[IndianaJones]

24. does he like sports? nt.

[electron_blue]

25. gay or not gay, he doesn't seem very interested in her, period.

If I were here, I'd take a long hard look at why I stayed with him.

[xchrom]

26. how about this -- dan has learned that the person least invested in a relationship

has all the power.

his disinterest in sex with sue has him in the drivers seat.

[Richard Steele]

33. Bingo. nm

[Zuiderelle]

27. I don't really see how you jump to the question "Is he gay?" simply because he seems asexual.

If anything, if he were actually gay and closeted or self-hating (though really there are fewer and fewer of those these days), he would probably be trying to prove something to her by being super sexual.

My conclusion is that the medications probably limit his sex drive, which in turn makes him feel a little emasculated, which in turn makes him try to not have her want anything physical by not doing anything that would make her want him.

Just my opinion.

[johnnie]

29. Not all of us men think only of sex 24/7

It's been a while for me and I don't hardly think about it at all. I was never one to be obsessed about sex as the average person seems to be. I've had a "normal" sex life, but I was never vocal about my sex life, I didn't try to bed down every woman I ever met, I don't feel like a loser if I ain't gettin' any and I don't have it on my mind all day every day.

Seriously, no offense, but to even question someone's sexuality because he isn't horny constantly is a little weird to me. Personally, I can take it or leave it and I'm not gay.

And as HEyHEy said above, it sounds like how a lot of women treat their men.

[Dora]

30. It doesn't matter if he's gay or not.

It's his business. And as far as your friend is concerned - what's important is that she ask him these questions.

Speculation is time consuming and potentially damaging. Encourage your friend to ask for what she needs, and if he can't provide it for her or refuses to talk about it, then both are better off without the relationship.

[Ellen Forradalom]

31. Ask him

[Tektonik]

32. gay or not does not matter

If he does not reciprocate in the relationship, she should leave him.

[lumberingbear]

34. Does he have track lighting and/or own a picnic basket?

:P

Seriously though, when I was young I had no problem with erections when having sex with women and I'm as gay as a doily. I'm not effeminate either. When I came out almost everyone was surprised.

I'd guess the guy is either gay or has a low libido.

[qb]

35. Gay or not, he doesn't sound right for her.

I know first-hand... if intimacy doesn't come naturally you can't make it happen. I hope she finds someone who doesn't need to be told what to do.

[Cannikin]

36. I was Dan many years ago....my boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years now.

Just sayin...:shrug:

[Deja Q]

37. Is it anybody business but his, as to who he is?

It's up for them to discuss their own private issues together.

Besides, I would not want to give you incorrect advice and have you mad because of that.

If I were to conjecture an opinion, maybe he likes her for reasons other than sex -- ulterior motives such as money? Mental illness? I think a professional therapist might be the next logical step. All of our responses on a public discussion forum are conjecture, and few of us work as professionals in the psychology industry.

[hyphenate]

38. A friend of my mom's

--and we're talking MANY years ago now, dated a guy for 5 years before they broke up when he couldn't, er, fulfill her "demands." This was mid-50s, though, when sex before marriage was somewhat of a no-no, but after 5 years together, you would think a little about it, even if your needs were fairly simple.

After two years together, nowadays, I think it's time to give the old heave-ho. Perhaps a weekend away together will be exactly what they need to make the "final" discoveries needed to decide the course for the future.

I've known plenty of guys, though, who were too shy to express themselves through the years, and it wasn't until much later that I realized they were attracted to me, but never said anything.


Some guys just don't have much of a sex drive, either, so perhaps there is that problem. If your friend wants to have a healthy sex life with a stable relationship, this guy doesn't sound like he's the one.

[sasquatch]

39. What is this "Dear Abby"

:wtf:

























:P

[Westegg]

42. Here's his "tell" (everyone has one)...

...His assertion (or as you put it, his "bizarre claim") that gay men "could never be aroused with a woman, ever." If that were the case, the world would be one Liza Minnelli short, for starters.

I hope "Sue" has the opportunity to get out of whatever world she's in wherein "Dan" is the only man she can feel comfortable with. I'd start with weekly forays into the next largest town near where y'all are at. And on and on, as needed, the circle ever widening.

I don't know if "Dan" is gay. He's certainly no one's idea of a boyfriend.