Time for the social nerd question of the day: am I a jerk or is my friend being too sensitive?

[XemaSab]

My friend's boyfriend's dad (who my friend has not met) was in a bad house fire about a month ago. He was badly burned over a large part of his body, and he's been in the hospital under heavy sedation since.

Yesterday my friend and I were in the car, and she said she hadn't heard from her boyfriend in a couple of days and she was worried that his dad had passed.

I was trying to be somewhat comforting, and I said "Well, sometimes it can be a blessing when someone that injured passes. I had to put my cat down a couple years ago because I couldn't stand to see her suffer."

My friend got all outraged that I compared her boyfriend's dad to my cat, and I tried to defend myself feebly for a few minutes, then just let the subject drop.

So was I being completely insensitive, or was she freaking out over nothing?

[Capn Sunshine]

1. I think someone is wishing she had a filter

Yeah, you didn't mean anything by it. But you posted a poll about it because you are haunted by your words.

I really like that about you.

[XemaSab]

2. I wouldn't say I'm haunted by my words

I would say it's more about I'm annoyed with my friend for being hostile at the drop of a hat, but I also know that I can be insensitive sometimes, and I am wondering if this is one of those times.

Thank you for saying this is something you really like about me, though. :)

[redqueen]

3. Considering that she hasn't even met the guy...

I think she was being overly-sensitive.

If you'd said that to the son of the guy who was burned, well, that'd be a different story.

As it is though... totally no big deal.

[BuelahWitch]

4. As a cat lover whose pets are family, I understand why you said it

Unfortunately, many other people don't see things the same way. I would imagine she acted that way due to being pretty upset herself.
You did nothing wrong, but give her the benefit of the doubt on this.

[XemaSab]

5. Another layer to this is that I feel like she really doesn't care about animals

and I don't think this is something that I should be respectful of. :(

[huskerlaw]

6. Honestly, a bit of both...

Even though I love my cats like they are my children, most people don't see it that way. So some people could, correctly in their view, see the comment as insensitive.

Then again, this is someone she's never even met. Therefore, even if she thought your comment was insensitive, she should have been able to discuss it rationally. It's not like you said that about HER father. Also, since she's your friend, she should know what you MEANT, and/or she should have given you the opportunity to clarify before she flipped out.

In short, I'd say: perhaps the comment was ill-advised, but her reaction was not called for.

[petronius]

7. I think you shouldn't have said it like that, but your friend is overreacting

Your comment doesn't rise to jerk status, IMO.

Generally, I try to avoid using my cats as examples in any discussion of human relationships - new parents in particular get really testy when you respond to an adorable baby story with an adorable cat story. (Actually, new parents seem to get testy when you talk about anything other than their little precious...)

[datasuspect]

8. it sounds like your heart was in the right place

but you can never tell how people will react to anything.

[JVS]

9. You're not being a jerk, but what you said was truly insensitive.

People are not cats, we don't put them down, and your comparison was can easily be seen as demeaning. I'd apologize to her.

[AlCzervik]

10. it doesn't sound like you were equating him with a car (not that cats aren't wonderful cat folks)

you were just using your own experience.

[Rabrrrrrr]

11. I don't think you were a jerk. It wasn't the right thing to say,

and would certainly have been better left unsaid. It is rather dismissive of her worry and her emotional state.

It sounds more like something that someone would say when they don't know what to say, but know they ought to say something, and so try to come up with something comforting and end up putting their foot in their mouth. It doesn't sound like someone who meant to be cruel or insensitive.

An apology to her could be a good thing.

And in the future, best not to say such things. Silence is often a good response. Or direct the person's statement back to their feelings and let them talk. A better response would have been "You sound worried" or "I would be worried, too, about many things", and so forth. Affirm her feelings, and then let her talk.