Joke time

[bigwillq]

Please, take no offense.

There was a blonde female cop and a blonde female driver. The driver gets pulled over for speeding. When the officier comes to the car, she asks the driver for her license and reg.

The driver, whose never been pulled over before, gets all flustered, her purse goes flying and everything falls out. She can't find her license but she finds her makeup compact. So the driver opens it up, looks at it and goes: "Yep, that's me" and hands it to the cop.

The cop takes the compact looks at it and goes: "Oh, I'm sorry, if I knew you were a cop, I would've never pulled you over."

HA!HA!

Please feel free to contrinute any jokes. Have a nice day!

edit: spelling, I don't know how to spell blonde.

[RobertSeattle]

1. Shorter version of similar joke

I've modified the joke to be DU-correct...

Two Blonde Republicans are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
The second Blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy it's me!"

[bigwillq]

3. Ha! Ha!

That's a funny one too. Thanks for contributing. I need some good laughs today.

[LiviaOlivia]

2. Leaving for Las Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.

He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He asked her why.

She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."

He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.

His wife said, "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going with you!" he replied.

"Why?" she asked.

"Well, I want to see how you're going to live on $800 a year!"

[bigwillq]

4. Oh....

shit. That's funny. Thought I was blonde for a moment cause it took me a minute to figure that out.

[NoPasaran]

5. I don't think this one's been posted this week

A freeper walking along the river sees another freeper on the opposite bank and calls out to him "Hey! How do you get to the other side?"
The second freeper shouts back, "You're already there!"
<rimshot>

[bigwillq]

6. I just heard that joke last night

at the bar. Thought it was funny then, think it's funny now. Thanks!

[greeneyedpookie]

7. Got one

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

[bigwillq]

Always knocking us men

But I did think it was funny!! Thanks!

[bigwillq]

8. Always knocking us men

But I did think it was funny!! Thanks!

[greeneyedpookie]

10. Sorry

but was just going with the flow, thought no one would take offense to it.

GEP

[bigwillq]

12. Totally not offended n/t

[RoeBear]

13. Knocking men huh? Try this one...

Do you know why men can't get Mad Cow's Disease?

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Because: Men are pigs!

[bigwillq]

14. Squeal, Squeal! n/t

[greeneyedpookie]

9. Them Rabbi's

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS,
excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders just as the Enron and WorldCom guys.

Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he would make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he would go on, in his obnoxious way.

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah yes" replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send us a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I. R. S."

"The I. R. S.?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ahhh, yes", replied the Rabbi, and once a year, they send us a little prick like you.

[bigwillq]

11. Cute!

Thanks for sharing. I won't hit my send button twice again, I promise!