Needed: Every "walks into a bar" joke you can think of.

[mac56]

A guy, a woman, a horse, a duck, a grasshopper...any one you can tell.

The more obscure, the better.

Thanks in advance!

[KG]

1. A guy, a woman, a horse, a duck, a grasshopper walk into a bar

the bartender says 'what is this, some kind of a joke?'

[mac56]

2. perfect!

:rofl:

[applegrove]

24. That's the best one I've heard in a while.

[crispini]

3. A piece of string walks into the bar

The bartender looks at the piece of string and says, "Get out, we don't serve string here." The piece of string walks back outside, ties himself up, messes up his hair a little bit, and goes back into the bar. The bartender says, "I thought I told you you we don't serve string in this bar." The string says, "I'm not a piece of string." The bartender says, "No?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

:rofl:

[suninvited]

4. A jumper cable walks into a bar

the bartender says, I will serve you, but you'd better not start anything !

[mikeytherat]

5. Three blondes walk into a bar.

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

mikey_the_rat

[cabbage08]

36. LOL

:silly:

[Tommy_Carcetti]

6. Dan Quayle walks into a bar.

And says, "Oww!"

[Rambis]

7. A mushroom walks into a bar

sits down and asks out the waitress and she says no- Hey, come on I'm a fungi!

[mac56]

8. A cup of yogurt walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

The yogurt replies, "Why not? I'm cultured!"

[momophile]

9. it's pretty stupid but... here goes

Two guys walk into a bar. The bartender asks them what they want to drink. One guy orders a Coors for himself and then while motioning to his companion says, "and jackass will have a Coors light." The bartender rolls his eyes and gets them their drinks. Then the guy that talks says to the bartender, "donkey-boy wants some pretzels." The bartender again rolls his eyes and gets them some pretzels. A bit later the bartender comes back and asks the two guys if they want another round. The one guy jumps right in and say, "yeah, get jackass another beer." The bartender finally has to speak up and says to the silent guy, "why do you let him keep talking to you like that?" The guy brays, "oh, heeeee-awwwwwlways does that!"

[Sequoia]

15. My mascarra, my mascarra...!!!! That was funny.

[EstimatedProphet]

10. A guy walks into a bar...

OW!

2 guys walk into a bar..
The second one wasn't paying attention.

A seal walks into a club...

[JBoy]

11. A pony walks into a bar

and says "could I have a beer please?"

Bartender: "what, I can't hear you".

Pony: "could I have a beer please?"

Bartender: "If you don't speak up, I won't serve you".

Pony: "sorry, I'm just a little hoarse".

[DarkTirade]

49. A horse walks into a bar

and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a... .... ... .... ...... ... ... beer please."

The bartender says, "Why the long pause?"

[LeftinOH]

12. A priest, a rabbi and a shaman walk into a bar:

and the bartender says "what is this- some kind of joke?"

[MissMillie]

13. A naked woman walks into a bar

with a monkey on her shoulder.

The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

[Inchworm]

14. Skeleton walks into a bar...

says, "Barkeep! Gimme a beer and a mop."

:hi:

[Zavulon]

16. A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and

the bartender immediately says "sorry, we don't serve food here."

Not funny as a whole, but just the line "a cheeseburger walks into a bar" cracks me up. :rofl:

[ScreamingMeemie]

17. A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender looks up and says,"Hey, why the long face?"

[Oeditpus Rex]

18. Here's one I never got

though it's by lib'rul songwriter par excellence Roy Zimmerman, in The Foremen's "Hidden Agenda":


Thomas Jefferson walks in a bar with Newt Gingrich on his shoulders
Bartender says, "Who's the arrogant windbag?"
Jefferson says, "That's Newt Gingrich"
The bartender says, "I was talking to Newt Gingrich"



:shrug:



From the same song (http://www.royzimmerman.com/lyrics/rest_agenda.html):


Traveling Republican salesman knocks on the door of a farmhouse
Says, "I got a flat tire while I was slashing your subsidies"
Farmer says, "Come on in, but keep away from my daughter"
And in the morning he finds the salesman in bed with Rupert Murdoch



:shrug:

[Bennyboy]

19. A guy walks into a bar with a dog......

he asks the bartender if they are watching the Raiders game cuz his dog is a huge Raiders fan.

The bartender says, "no we can't have dogs in the bar".

The guy says "my dog is a huge Raiders fan and if he can stay and watch the game, I will buy the house a round of drinks".

The bartender says "okay he can stay".

The game starts and little while later the Raiders kick a field goal. The dog does a back flip off the bar stool and runs around and chases his tail and just has a great time.

The bartender thinks that is kind of odd, but doesn't say anything.

A while later the Raiders kick another field goal. Same thing, back flip, chases his tail, then sits back down.

The bartender can't believe it and says to the guy "Wow that dog really is a raiders fan! If he does that for a field goal, what does he do for a touchdown"?

the guys says "I don't know, I've only had the dog for two years"

[cabbage08]

37. Must not, must not........

stolen for a co-worker

LOL

[madinmaryland]

20. A guy walks into a bar and hears...

Donald Rumsfeld giving the President his daily briefing. Rumsfeld concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

:evilgrin:

[Beaverhausen]

29. .

:spank:

[madinmaryland]

31. ..

:rofl:

:hi:

[Inchworm]

21. A fish walks into a bar and says...

Fish don't talk OR walk ya dumbass!! ..*slap to the forehead* what were you thinkin?

:P

[unpossibles]

22. a bear walks into a bar and says,

"bartender............................... can I have a beer, please?"

The bartender says, "of course, but why the big pause?"

[Deep13]

23. Guy walks into a bar and sees a horse standing next to a bucket of cash.

The bartender explains that for $10, a customer can take a chance on winning the money. All the customer needs to do is make the horse laugh, then cry. So far, no one has been successful.

So the guy goes to the horse and puts $10 in the bucket. The bartender sees the hourse laugh, then cry. As the guy claims the cash, the bartender asks how he did it.

"First I told the horse that my dick is bigger than his. Then I showed him."

[meegbear]

25. A dislexic guy walks into a bra ...

Thank you. Thank you. I'm here all week. Thank you.

[Deep13]

26. **wrong place**

[Deep13]

27. Bush walks into a bar with a rat on his shoulder.

The bartender says, "Wow, where did you get that horrible thing?"

The rat says, "Texas! They got millions of 'em there!"

[crispini]

43. LOL. This is my favorite so far. nt

[Manifestor_of_Light]

28. Two lions walk in to a bar.....

One of them asked for a beer.

The barmaid says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve lions."

Lion jumps over the bar and eats her.

Later, the first lion is sleepy from his big meal. The second lion says "It must have been the bar bitch you ate".

(barbiturate -- sleeping pill)

:rofl:

[Manifestor_of_Light]

30. George W. Bush walks into a bar.....

with a frog on his head.

The bartender said, "Where did you get THAT???".

The frog says, "It started out as a pimple on my arse!".

:rofl:

[DarkTirade]

32. A duck walks into a bar

and asks the bartender, "Hey, do you have any bread crumbs?"

The bartender says no, so the duck leaves.

The next day the same thing happens.

The bartender thinks this is rather odd, but it's no big deal.

Then it happens the next day.

And the next.

And the next.

Until finally the bartender starts to get annoyed by this, and finally after the umpteenth day that this happens, he yells at the duck, "No! I don't have bread crumbs! I didn't have any yesterday, I didn't have any the day before, I haven't had any the whole time you've been coming in and asking. I swear to god, if you come in tomorrow and ask again, I'm gonna nail those webbed feet of yours to the damn bar!"

The duck turns around and leaves.

The next day the duck walks in. He asks the bartender, "Do you have a hammer?" "No." "Do you have any nails?" "No." "So... do you have any bread crumbs?"

[mac56]

33. thank you, thank you all

But keep 'em coming if you gave more.

[JVS]

34. A guy walks into the bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He orders a beer and asks the bartender...

pass one of the bowls of peanuts from the other side of the bar. Some other men are playing pool at the other end of the bar. When the peanuts arrive, the monkey sits on the edge of the bar and eats peanuts. The bartender says "Hey that's an ok trick" and the man replies that he taught him to do it to keep him busy in a public setting The man sits and drinks his beer at a leisurely pace and after a while the bowl is empty. He asks the bartender for another bowl and the bartender complies but is not as amused with the monkey as he was earlier. The man continues nursing his beer and when he asks for a third bowl of peanuts for the monkey the bartender says "Listen mac, I'm not going to feed your monkey peanuts all day while you nurse one beer. He'll just have to go without" The man continues drinking but the monkey seems somewhat agitated. Eventually the monkey runs over to the pool table and swallows the cue ball. Now everyone is pissed at the guy and they demand that he pay for the cue ball. "I'm a bit short on cash, only enough for a few beers but my buddy works down the street at the sporting goods store. He owes me a favor, and if I see him now, you guys can be playing pool again in 10 minutes. Hold onto this $10 bill as a deposit and I'll have you a cue ball when I come back" So the man comes back in a few minutes with a cue ball, orders another beer, and asks for a bowl of peanuts. Not wanting a repeat of the monkey's previous behavior the bartender provides a big bowl. The monkey takes a peanut, looks at it, shoves it in his ass, and then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender and the pool players cry out in disgust. "What the hell is that?" The man says "Ok, so I don't have a friend at the sporting goods store! And evidently after the business with the cue ball my monkey has decided to gauge what he eats"

[CottonBear]

35. A hamburger walks into a bar

and the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

[hellbound-liberal]

38. Here's one of the best I've heard: A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bar tender walks up to the grasshopper and says " hey, you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper responds, "You've got a drink named Bob?"

[FloridaJudy]

39. Three notes walk into a bar:

a C, an E-flat and a G. The bartender says "Sorry, but we don't serve minors".

[FloridaJudy]

40. A molecule walks into a bar.

After a few drinks, the molecule suddenly looks dismayed. "Oops! I've lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" queries the barkeep.

"Yup", the molecule replies. "I'm positive".

[Orrex]

55. A molecule walks into a bar

After a few drinks, the molecule suddenly looks dismayed. "Oops! I've lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" the barkeep inquires.

"Yes", the molecule replies with a slur. "I'm positive".

"In that case," cautions the barkeep, "someone should keep an ion you."

[Orrex]

56. A hydrogen atom walks into a bar

And after several long minutes, no one has served him.

Finally he can bear it no longer. "If I don't get a beer," he says with irritation, "I'm gonna split."

"There you go again," the bartender says as he hands the atom a draft, "always fission for free drinks."

[FloridaJudy]

41. self delete - dupe

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

42. A chimp walks into a bar...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltBQvnir-S4

[Adams Wulff]

44. A dog walks into a bar...

...and says "hey look at me, I'm a talking dog! That's really something, a talking dog. I've been practicing for years, and I finally got it! Hey bartender, how about a drink for a talking dog?"

Bartender says "Sure, the toilet's downs the hall and to your right."

[Adams Wulff]

45. a panda walks into a bar...

sits at a table, and the waiter says"What'll you have?"

The panda looks at the menu and orders a ham sandwich.

The panda finishes the sandwich, and the waiter gives him the bill.

At this point, the panda gets up, pulls a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

The panda gets up, and is walking out the door, when the bartender says " Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter dead!"

The panda looks at the bartender and says: "I'm a Panda, look it up."

The bartender pulls out a dictionary and looks up 'Panda Bear' and it reads:


Panda bear: (n) an east Asian marsupial known for it's black and white markings. Eats, shoots, and leaves.

[pokerfan]

46. Man walks into a bar

Asks the barkeep for a glass of water. The barkeep produces a shotgun and points it at the man. The man says, "Thanks!" and leaves.

More of a riddle/puzzle actually. Anyone know the answer?

[FloridaJudy]

47. He had the hiccups? eom

[pokerfan]

48. yep

[KamaAina]

50. A baby seal walks into a bar and says,

"I'll have a Canadian Club, on the rocks." :spank:

[KamaAina]

51. A guy walks into a bar with a headlamp, pick and shovel,

and the bartender says, "Sorry, sir, we do not serve miners."

[Orrex]

52. A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm

He plops the paving material on the bar beside him and says to the bartender, "I want a drink for me and one for the road."

...


So the guy's been drinking for a while, but he stands the whole time,
complaining that he can't sit for more than a few moments without pain.

"Is that your asphalt?" asks a woman, noticing the hunk of pavement.

"No," says the guy. "It's my sciatica."

[Pierre.Suave]

53. So this joke walks into a bar...

sits at the bar and orders a drink. He can't help notice that everyone is looking at him as if waiting for the punchline. The joke says, "What, you have heard them all before, give me a break..."


























Ok, I know that was bad, I just made it up.

[Orrex]

54. A dyslexic guy walks into a bra

And the bartender grudgingly says "I'll serve you, but not those two boobs you came in with."


(with special thanks to Deep13)

[momophile]

57. here's one for all the English teachers here

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "where's your bathroom at?"

The bartender says, "Don't you know you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition?"

The guy says, "okay, where's the bathroom at, asshole."

[mwooldri]

58. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm.

He says to the barman,

One for me, and one for the road.