When someone burdens you with a secret you don't want?

[bicentennial_baby]

what do you do?

It's more like an ongoing situation secret...I'm just giving my advice, trying to be objective. It's difficult. He's my friend, but he's doing wrong.

I hate this crap...this is why I prefer to not have confidants! I'm not the decider, except for me. *pout*

[Pierre.Suave]

1. Forget it

and move on.

[bicentennial_baby]

2. It's not that easy...

He's seeking my advice. Not overtly, but the fact that he's telling me is well, telling.

It's not a burden I wanted...but, I can give good advice I guess, whether he likes it or not. :P

:)

[Pierre.Suave]

6. Well, you can give your advice

what he does with it is up to him, that is all you can do.

it sucks sometimes, but you have to let him do it his way. Sometimes, it is the only way we learn.

Unless he is hurting others, then you need to lay down the law with him.

[Haole Girl]

3. When you write "he's doing wrong"....

..is he harming himself or others?

[bicentennial_baby]

5. Emotionally, all of the above

Whatever, here it is: he's cheating on his wife. And in love with "the other"

[Haole Girl]

9. I don't envy you

Especially if you know both spouses. :hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

13. I only know her peripherally...

but, I know he doesn't want to leave his wife. He needs some...tough love, which I'm trying to give him. :)

[LeftyMom]

4. I hate that.

Somebody I love laid a really heavy one on me, made me swear never to tell anybody, and then died.

I haven't told a soul, but it's a really terrible thing to be carrying around, and though I'm glad she died without the that burden, I still wish I didn't know about it.

[bicentennial_baby]

7. I just can't disclose it to certain parties...

basically, i'm the guilt dump.

and, no matter what i tell him...he's not really hearing it. Partially, but not fully. It sucks.

[Pierre.Suave]

8. That sucks

Tell him to man up and do what needs to be done.

[bicentennial_baby]

10. Oh, I did that

Trust me. Explicitly. He's getting there, but...it might take some time.

[Pierre.Suave]

12. such a sad situation.

I suppose he is doing this to someone you know?

[bicentennial_baby]

14. No, we're friends...

I've met his wife, once...I just have...ethics about marriage, if it's not an open one. Emotional cheating is the worst, imho. But, it's his life. I'm just trying to help. I know he wants out of this situation, I can feel it. I'll do my best. :)

[Pierre.Suave]

17. Thats still difficult

maybe tell him you don't want to be his sounding board unless he either pays you the same rate as a shrink, or you become a Priest.

[bicentennial_baby]

18. I like the way you think...

Cash $

:P

[Pierre.Suave]

20. I should have been an economist

I am always getting down to the bottom line and it always seems to be cash!

:rofl:

[bicentennial_baby]

21. Cost benefit analysis homie...

Cost to me in emotional and logical output must be less than the monetary benefit I receive in return! :D

Marx would be ashamed of me... x(

[Pierre.Suave]

23. it is what makes the world go round...

:P

[Left Is Write]

11. So I guess I shouldn't have told you that one thing, should I?

:P

[bicentennial_baby]

15. Shhhhh!

:P

[Robb]

16. As long as you eventually include it in your memoirs

...the balance will be maintained. :D

[bicentennial_baby]

19. Robb speaks!! All is well!

:D

[AlCzervik]

22. after reading this thread it sounds to me that he wants you to tell him what he's doing is wrong.

my friend cheated on her husband and told me so i told her what i thought, she wasn't very happy but i was the only friend that wasn't her yes man, i think that's what she expected me to be and i wasn't going to do that.

My motto is, Don't tell me something i'll have to lie about, i want plausible deniability.

[bicentennial_baby]

25. that's pretty much what i said tonight...

I told him that he needed to figure his crap out, that it wasn't fair to his wife, and he needed to just deal with it.

He was somewhat receptive...not fully. He's still hanging on to hope. Meh.

[AlCzervik]

26. that's all you can do.

:thumbsup:

[bicentennial_baby]

27. zOMG...I love your sig...

:rofl:

[AlCzervik]

28. oh hey, sig lines are back! I didn't even realize it.

[bicentennial_baby]

29. Classic...

:rofl:

[AlCzervik]

30. it's gonna be some awesome placemats.

:7

[1]

24. you put both palms up. facing the speaker. and say "you should not be telling me this"...

and walk away.

simple...

[zingaro]

31. If it were me

I would feel obligated to share my opinion. I don't keep my thoughts to myself well.

This does, however, get me into that particular brand of tripping-over-my-tongue trouble at times. :)

[bicentennial_baby]

32. Oh, I did...trust me.

I just had to vent my feelings. I'm just...Well, it's difficult to deal with people in crisis. Why am I always dealing with them? I'm an Econ major, damnit! This is not the Psych Dept!

:P

[zingaro]

33. Do you have a

Bring Me Your Drama button on your backpack? That could be your trouble.

I took mine off but it didn't help. Good luck!

[Patiod]

34. I used to be good friends with both people in a couple

and the girl kept telling me all the sordid details about how she was cheating on the guy, who just worshipped the ground she walked on.

At one point, he asked me if I thought she was cheating on him. I love this guy, and didn't want to lie to him, but girlfriends are girlfriends.

Fortunately, I had a reputation as a gossip back then, so I just looked him in the eye and said "Do you think she would tell ME if she was?" "Good point," he said. Which made me feel complicit and skeevy. After they broke up (they married, then had a trial separation during which she got pregnant by the other guy) he asked her "did Patiod know about all this" She said "do you think I would tell HER?" so at least she didn't implicate me in her nonsense.

Up until then, I used to enjoy a little drama, but that was just too hard.

At least you're not good friends with the wife, so you only have the handle half of the ugliness, if that's any consolation at all.

[YankeyMCC]

35. I always tell people that

if they don't want me to tell others they should not tell me.

In the rare cases where they need my confidential help then that is one thing but they must want help which means it might involve revealing the secret, if they can't comit to that and accept my judgement on the need for secrecy then they should look to someone else to help them because I would not be able to with the constraints they are asking for.

[Blue Diadem]

36. I've been there and I hated it.

In a way, I think it's their way of relieving themselves of some of the guilt and dumping it onto you. I kept a secret for a family member for about 10 yrs..and kept it from his wife who had become my very dear friend. I hated every minute of it and slowly grew to hate him. She found out on her own and I & several of her other friends then told her what we knew. Some 20 yrs after their divorce, we are still best friends. Him, well I watched during those ten years as his guilt turned into self loathing, now 20 yrs later, he's a miserable old man.

I don't have any advice to offer, just hugs.

:hug:

[mitchum]

37. I just go down to the riverside where the reeds grow and whisper it into the ground...

no one will ever find out

[Iggo]

38. I eat it.

And then I resent that person 'til the end of days.

Example: An old girlfriend of mine, whom I was friends with after the break-up, out-of-the-blue told me one day that she'd slept with my brother way back in time when we were first going out, before we were an item. I told her, "That's it. We're through." She said, "Why? Because I slept with your brother? We weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend yet!" I told her that it was because it wasn't her secret to tell me...it was my brother's secret, and he'd kept it well for years. Now I have to keep the secret, and the price of that would be that she is now dead to me. Not for betraying me, which I can forgive, but for betraying my brother, which I cannot forgive.

That's what happens when you burden yourself with other people's secrets. Not good. Nope.

[Midlodemocrat]

39. Once I let the cat out of the bag here, in VA that I have a doctorate in psych

I have been privy to more secrets than I would ever want. I wish I had kept my mouth shut. I actually had succeeded for about 18 years in not revealing it to my friends here.

Not talking about DU, but IRL. At bunco one night, one of the ladies' daughters came in wearing UCONN spirit wear. That's where I went and I made the mistake of stating that. Ugh.

[NJmaverick]

40. The truest friend one can have, is one that is willing to let you know when you are wrong

The best thing you could do is tell your friend, that you think the situation or actions are wrong. Tell them unless they are planning on addressing the situaiton, you don't want to hear anymore about it. A true friend will appreciate your candor.

[Gormy Cuss]

41. Ugh. You have the curse.

I've had friends and family members do that to me way too frequently. The cheating/thinking about cheating type not so much because everyone knows how I feel about that. If someone does tell me about it, I assume it's because s/he wants to be told that it's a shitty thing to do and that it's time to grow up and face the SO.

Other secrets are not so easy.

[unpossibles]

42. tell them you'd rather not know

and do your best to forget it.