Could use some relationship advice

[mrgorth]

OK, background: I'm a 39yo divorced man who's been on match.com for a while now. A few weeks ago I started dating a wonderful woman who's a little older than me but looks spectacular. She's been divorced longer but I'm literally her first match date. Things have just gone great. We really like each other a lot. We've had a lot of contact and there is a lot of affection on both sides. Last week I even met her 20yo son who I seemed to get along well with. We are only seeing each other btw.

OK, the wrench, this past Saturday she had to go to London on business. I'm fully supportive of this and trust her. However, she is working a TON over there and between that and the time change we aren't talking much. Again, I understand this and can handle it. I also want to say that she has been great in contacting me. Even knowing how much she is working she has called a few times, sent a couple of e-mails and text messages saying that she misses me.

I'm not sure if it's just my insecurities from my failed marriage (caught the ex cheating on me, I was willing to reconcile, she wanted out) or the time on match which can make someone pretty damned cynical BUT we were able to have a lot of contact with each other before she left and not so much now. I worry a lot that the "high" of being in a budding relationship will wear off as she's there if it already hasn't. Even though I'm getting the nice texts a big part of me expects her to dump me after returning with the trip acting like the proverbial bucket of cold water. Frankly, I'm scared to death. Things aren't busy at my regular job right now and even if they were I'm sure I would still worry my head off. I've been in and out of relationships for the past 2 years and if I'm not right for her that's fine but I want it to be that and not just exhaustion from a trip. I've gotten myself so worried about this that part of me wants to bluntly ask her when she comes back if not before if she is having second thoughts and wants to bail. However, I know that looks horrible and a lawyer friend of mine recently told me never to bring up something you don't want someone thinking about, even to negate it.

She called me this morning and said she wanted to hear my voice which is great but she didn't sound good. It's very possible that this is just exhaustion however. They are working her like 12-14 hours a day. What really has me scared is that she mentioned the possibility of needing to stay until Tuesday which will kill me.

Now, I KNOW that thinking nnegatively increases the likelyhood of negative outcome. I'm trying not to be negative. I am scared though. I'm also not initiating contact a lot because I don't want to seem needy and insecure. I AM telling her I miss her as well and sent flowers to her room on Monday night. So, part of this is to vent and the other part is to maybe get some reassurance or advice. I don't travel for business and have no idea what it's like to be in a foreign country working 14 hour days. If I could ask though, please don't give me any grief about rushing into a relationship. I've been following her lead AND, YES, I want to be in a relationship. It's natural. Thanks in advance.

[Connonym]

1. Just relax and breathe through it

There's not much else you can do. You have the power to destroy it by acting foolish so just stay calm and wait and if you need to talk about it just don't do it with her.

[BurtWorm]

2. Relax.

You're doing exactly what's right. I think it's okay to tell her as an aside some of your fears. In a paragraph or two. Exactly as you've talked about them here. But stress in the end just what you did here. You want to be in a relationship with her, and you want her to want it, too. And you want it to come together naturally. And you're worried about her fatigue, hope she's well, love hearing from her, miss her. She'll let you know if she's received your message, whether she means to or not.

[Phentex]

3. There isnt' a question in there.

I'm not sure what kind of advice you want. But I think your lawyer friend is right.

Just from my point of view as a woman, I think the contact you've made so far has been just right. Too much and you appear needy. Too little and I'd think you weren't interested.

Don't try to see her the instant she gets home. But do offer a homecooked meal the next day. :)

[Bake]

4. You're a DUDE, dude! Chill!

Seriesly. Don't smother it to death.

Bake

[seaglass]

5. Looking from the outside, it sounds all positive to me. She's

working long hours and still finding the time to be in contact with you, calling you just to hear your voice - that sounds good. If she was losing interest, why would she do that?

It sounds like you are doing all the right things and are aware of how to make sure you don't come across as too needy.

Just relax and look forward to seeing her when she returns. Good luck :-)

[skygazer]

6. You are way over-analyzing

Relax. Keep busy. Think about this - if she's going to drop you like a hot rock because she's been away and the "high" has worn off, none of this was going to go very far anyway. And it's always better to find that out sooner than later.

But that's probably not the case anyway. Stop analyzing. Stop worrying. Do what you've done all along which has made this nice and desirable.

And I hope it all works out for you. :hi:

[zanne]

7. You're "dying a thousand deaths" by your own hand.

I've stressed over relationships, too, so I'm going by my own experience. There are always a million reasons why you shouldn't trust somebody, but you have to make a decision to trust anyway. In the end, it makes no difference in how you're going to feel. From what you've told us, you have a good relationship going. I think it's smart of you to follow her lead.

Please let us know how things go and try to relax.

[mrgorth]

8. I really appreciate all you're help

I know that if I did this on some other sites I would get a lot of grief. Dems are so nice.:D

[applegrove]

9. When you get those anxious feelings belly breath till they pass.

You could also decatastrophize by asking yourself what is the worst that could happen: the relationship is over. Then what is the worst that could happen: you'd be alone. Then what is the worst that could happen: you'd have to look for a new love.

And you go on and on accepting the worst that could happen until you accept it all and can sit with the worst that could happen comfortably. Then it won't haunt ya.

[Iggo]

10. Dude, she's into you....(n/t)

[regularguy]

11. DO stuff to take your mind off of her.

I've been having some relationship problems lately, and worse than the problems themselves has been my tendency to obsess over them. Exercise and playing my guitar has helped a lot. I've tried to read more and hang out with friends more. I'm not replacing my relationship with these things, just replacing the worrying and obsessing. As a side note, as much as I enjoy and appreciate the magic of alcohol, drinking didn't help.

[Patiod]

12. As my SO would say

You're going to bring about the bad outcome that you're dreading. I have a tendancy to worry that the worst might happen, and then worrying and fussing so much that it ends up happening.

Everyone else's advice is excellent - just chill, which is of course, easier said than done. I love that she called just to hear your voice. As someone who travels a lot for work, I know that feeling, and you don't have it for someone you don't like.

[NewEnglandGirl]

13. It sounds like she really likes you

She probably just has a very demanding job. You are probably overly cautious because of your past. The way you are describing her calling you and all, I wouldn't do that unless I really liked the guy. So try to take a step back and look forward to when she gets back. Don't let her think you're too clingy, it might ruin things.

[greenbriar]

14. You are OVER thinking things

just let it happen

[Tuesday Afternoon]

15. One of the best relationships I have had the pleasure was with

a guy who worked out of town Sun. night to Friday afternoon. Every week-end was like a honeymoon. Anticipation...all through the work week.

Quit worrying. Sounds like she is worked to death and can't wait for "the honeymoon". :hug:

[khashka]

16. Relax!

The failed marriage is making you too insecure. This woman likes you and is trying to stay in contact with you. Just chill.
She called and said she just wanted to hear your voice? Major clue, dude.

Khash.

[Help_I_Live_In_Idaho]

17. There is a lot of evolutionary baggage we carry around

This being a survival of the species issue, it throws all the hormones and brain chemicals into chaos. That's what is going on. Use rational thinking to counter it. This is one chick in a world full of wonderful chicks. If it works it works and ,if not, the next could be much better.

Look, control is an invalid value in relationships. Relationships, on the other hand, drive every positive value in the world. Focus, not on fear, but in building rapport, communication, empathy, understanding. That is the only power and control we have and it is powerful beyond belief.

Second, don't take relationship advice from lawyers. They make money off of failed relationships, not successful ones. So, my advice is, and I am qualified, as this is the business I'm in - therapist - build the relationship every time you have contact as stated above. If that doesn't work nothing would have. So, Do this, build relationship forever in all areas of your life and you will be successful. Good luck and best wishes - peace.

[RadiationTherapy]

18. Wow. i have a lot of advice, but am not too sure if you want to read all of it.

I will start off by saying pay very close attention to what you say and write to her; this sentence: "I started dating a wonderful woman who's a little older than me but looks spectacular." is the only description of her you provide. The remainder of your post centers around your insecurities and hopes of a relationship. Are you into HER or into "not being single anymore. It, frankly, sounds like the latter. I hope I am wrong.

It also sounds like you can barely handle this situation emotionally; if you want her to stick around you will have to be very keenly aware of what you say and how you say it. You do not want to come across as pathetic and needy.

I advise you from a position of understanding; you remind me of me from a former life.