I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life...

[TZ]

than be trapped in a marriage with someone I didn't love.
Been talking a lot about relationships with various friends this week. And one thing I heard from a friend that really distressed me, was her talking about marriage to her current SO not because she wants to particularly, but because that would make him happy..
I think that is a terrible mistake, and would end up making her bitter and unhappy....
I'd like to know if people here have stayed in long term relationships/marriages with people they didn't love and why....

[insanity]

1. Convience?

I was with a girl for just shy of 4 years and I loved her for maybe 2 and half of em. It just became natural for us to be together until we both realized how fucking unhappy we were.

[YDogg]

2. one of my acquaintences stayed with the husband she divorced for another 8 years after ...

... their marriage ended.

That was kind of strange. I imagine they were just roommates at that point.

[khashka]

5. Relationships can be strange

Divorce even more so. When I forced my wife to divorce me it was for legal reasons and had nothing to do with how we felt about each other. I still have a hard time remembering to say "ex" before "wife". And I'm the one who demanded the divorce! Well, I also forced her to marry me - long story.

Khash.

[khashka]

3. I've never stayed with someone after the love died

Not fair to me, not fair to them. If the love isn't there then we should end it - remain friends or at least friendly. But find someone who you love and loves you. Life is too short to waste it like that.

Khash.

[TZ]

4. very good advice...n/t

[Lorien]

6. That's how I feel as well, which is why I never married

I was engaged to and living with a man for several years. He was rather insecure and eventually became abusive, so I left, thank goodness! But I do have a friend, Lisa, who married a man who had seemed ideal during their long engagement. On their wedding night all of that changed; he became an entirely different person; he "laid down the law" on how their marriage would work from that point on, and why she didn't have it annulled the very next day I'll never know. He's only slept with her once in over 17 years of marriage, he's a slob and expects her to spend most of her day cooking for him and cleaning up after him. She's developing an eBay business and working on getting a degree so that she can escape the marriage at some point.I can't imagine living with someone who is that disrespectful and who is actually disgusting to be around for ANY amount of time. I'd rather live in poverty again, but to each their own. If I could support her myself to get her out of there I would!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

7. That's how I feel

If someone makes me looking for the emergency exit six months into the relationship, there's no way I'm going to marry him.

My mother and grandmother kept urging me to "settle"--for men they thought were affluent and harmless. My gut said, "NOOOOOOO!" and I'm not sorry.

I'd love to find a compatible gentleman, but since I can support myself and am too old to have children, I'm holding out for someone who shares my values and is good company. Anything less would be stupid.

[Lorien]

12. Exactly! I'm in the very same boat

in my early 40s and I don't intend to have kids, and I sure as heck never intend to "settle". I would also love to find someone who I'm completely compatible with, but I just never have. I've had many male friends, and even some "friends with benefits" who I really liked, but there has never been anyone who made me say to myself "wow, I could really see myself spending the rest of my life with this person". I don't think that I'm being overly picky or judgmental; you just know in your gut what's right and what isn't.

I've always hoped that I would be as lucky my former roommate Amber. She was out walking around a park with her coworkers during lunch one day and she saw a man off in the distance who stopped her dead in her tracks. She said "I'm going to marry that man". her coworkers said "Who"? and she pointed to the fellow off in the distance. They asked who he was, and she said that she had no idea, but she knew that she would marry him. Sure enough, about three months later she met the man from the park at a party. As soon as he saw her he also "just knew" that Amber was his future wife. They were married within the year and have been extremely happy every since (this was about 12 years ago). Amber was always very down to earth, so the whole thing surprised me a bit. If only all of our relationships could be as easy!

[lizziegrace]

8. Children

and being so emotionally beaten down that you feel what you have is all you really deserve...

[TZ]

9. ...

I think thats right on the button for several people I know......:hug:

[Danger Mouse]

10. only love is worth having. only love is what matters.

nothing else matters, nothing else.

[electron_blue]

11. divorce is hell. If I had merely just not loved him, and that was the only

detractor, I might have stayed. But I hated him, and feared him, so I left. If it was just lack of love, I dunno. Seems it is awfully rare for people to love their spouse and vice versa for a lifetime. I think most fall out of love, from what I've seen, and if they're lucky they do keep the friendship. I am so pessimistic about this.

It's very different to be considering divorcing (esp with children) vs. marrying someone you don't really love. I'd wait if I were her. It's tough, though. I know someone who had an arranged marriage and her point of view is completely different. She says if you want to be married - that is, have the commitment from someone, have children, have a bigger extended family, plus the extra money you'd probably bring by marrying, then it's far more important to pick someone responsible, respectful and honest. And she thinks parents are a better judge of that, than youngsters. She is still married and loves her husband - she said it came with time. Not that I think everyone should have arranged marriages - I'm sure there are many lousy examples, but it did highlight to me that the practical concerns in choosing a mate sometimes get ignored in the whole love affair prior to marriage. I'm sure that was the case for me.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

14. My take on that is that I've seen too many older couples who had nothing in common

but their children. Now that the children are grown up and gone, they have nothing to talk about, nothing that they like doing together, but they've got another thirty or forty years of life left. All they do is snap at each other, and if they act that way in public, you have to wonder what happens in private.

No thanks.

The cultures in which arranged marriages work are also those in which men and women have totally different lives. The spouses hardly see each other.

Until recently, 1/3 of Japanese marriages were arranged (not forced, just arranged), and the men were at work all day, while the women had complete control over household matters and raising the children. It worked after a fashion, because the husband was hardly ever home. The problems came after the husband retired. It was the "twice as much husband on half as much income" problem on steroids, because a lot of these men had never done anything in their lives except work. About twenty years ago, the divorce rate for couples in their fifties and sixties took a huge jump.

[electron_blue]

15. Yeah, I see your point. But loneliness is a bitch, too.

And the problem is most people don't know for sure which way their marriage is going to go when they get married. I'll wager that most are hopeful it'll work out. And not trying at all, or waiting til the absolute perfect one probably means most people will remain single. It comes down to do you want to take a chance.

[cosmik debris]

13. I've been divorced for 28 years

And I'm glad.

My wife was not happy with me, but I struggled mightily to preserve the marriage.

When I gave up the struggle, we both were a lot happier.