Musician jokes thread

[NoPasaran]

What do you call a bass player who broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.

Take it

[PVnRT]

1. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians all the time?

A drummer.

Bring it.

[Blue-Jay]

2. What's the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

/Chew on it!

[Blue-Jay]

3. Did you hear about the drummer that locked his keys in his car?

Took him two hours to get the bass player out.


(I gotta million of these)

[pagerbear]

4. How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four: one to do it, one to pull the chair out from underneath her, and two to stand outside the door and talk about how much better they could have done it themselves.

[Burma Jones]

15. How do you put a twinkle in a Soprano's Eyes?

Shine a Flashlight in her ear.

[GAspnes]

37. How many altos to change a lightbulb?

Four, but they all complain "It's too *high*."

[PVnRT]

5. How can you tell if a drummer is well hung?

Slip a finger in between his neck and the noose.

ZING

[PVnRT]

6. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he will bust five of them before figuring out you can't just push them in.

[BlueEyedSon]

7. Didja hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?

It took 2 hours to get the drummer out.

<rimshot>

[BlueEyedSon]

9. Damn, you gotta be FAST in here!

[rusty charly]

8. How to Cook a Conductor

How to Cook a Conductor

Ingredients One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
Ketchup
26 large garlic cloves
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (Lard may be used)
1 cask cheap wine
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yogurt
One abused Orchestra

First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the Principal Second Violin) and long articulations and discard. Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean the Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major Symphony Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by pounding the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the Conductor between two large cymbals.

Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When the Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your Conductor with the Crisco. using vague, slow circular motions. Take care to cover every inch of the Conductor's body with the shortening. If this looks like fun, you can cover yourself with Crisco too, removing clothes first.

Next, take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate). Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece with no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to you and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.

When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor on top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and pureeing until smooth. If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.

WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas, such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture, and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors be limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever." Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive longevity.

[PVnRT]

10. Why are orchestra intermissions only 20 minutes?

So they don't have to retrain the drummers.

COME ON DRUMMERS, BRING IT!!!!

[VelmaD]

13. I am a drummer...

and I find those jokes pretty damn funny personally. :-)

[bobthedrummer]

40. Baby I'm amazed...

I didn't know you are a drummer too.
:hi:
I've got a Tama kit.
What do you play on?

[VelmaD]

11. What's the difference between a saxophone...

and a lawnmower?

You can tune up a lawnmower.

[Blue-Jay]

18. Hey! Not true!

The punch line is "Lawnmowers have a more pleasing vibrato".

[Burma Jones]

12. I play Trumpet (and there's some truth to these)

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."

How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!


Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.


The orchestra is packing up at the end of a Friday afternoon rehearsal, and the first trumpet player is one of the last to leave. As he heads toward the door, the conductor waves and says, "Have a nice weekend!" The trumpet player angrily retorts, "Don't you tell me what to do!"

[Mr_Scarecrow]

14. How many guitar players does it take to change a ligthbulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to stand around saying "I can do that."

[BlueEyedSon]

16. What's the difference between a dead trombonist laying in the road

and a dead snake lying in the road?

The snake might have gotten run over on his way to a gig!

[PVnRT]

17. Did you hear about the drummer who got into college?

Neither did I.

[VelmaD]

19. Hey now!

I got into college. They gotta admit drummers for the marching band.

Now...drummers graduating college...;)

[BlueEyedSon]

20. How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune ?

All of them, evidently.

[Az]

21. Whats the difference between a violin and a viola

The viola burns longer.

[Blue-Jay]

22. What happens when you spill beer in a drum machine?

It starts singing.

[Az]

23. Whats the difference between a violin and a trampolene

You don't wear shoes to jump on a trampolene.

[PVnRT]

24. A man dies and goes to heaven

and he discovers that heaven is a long hallway filled with doors. On each door is an IQ.

The man opens the door to 160 and heaers people discussing quantum physics. He slams the door and moves on.

He opens the door to 120 and hears people doing college calculus. He slams the door and moves on.

He opens the door to 80 and hears people discussing last night's Bears game. He stays for a second, says to himself "Maybe later," and moves on.

He goes on in this fashion until hitting door 16, wherein people are discussing last night's episode of American Idol. He pops open the door to 7, and sees people drooling all over each other.

He walks to the final door, 3, opens it, and hears,

"Yeah, I always used Zildjan cymbals, how about you?"

[Blue-Jay]

25. What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?

A bassoon burns longer.

[PVnRT]

26. What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream.

[jpgray]

59. LOL, that's a great one (nt)

[northzax]

27. how do you get two guitar player to play in unison?

shoot one.

[PVnRT]

28. Damn

I was getting ready to post the same thing about trumpet players.

[northzax]

31. you snooze you lose, I got a trumper joke right heyah.

Johnny comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mommy, I learned the alphabet today! The rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all the way through!" Johnny's mom say's "Very good son, that's because you're a trumpet player."
Johnny comes home the next day and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, I counted to a hundred today! Everyone else couldn't get past 60, but I made it all the way to 100!" And his mom say's, "Excellent. That's because you're a trumpet player."
The next day, Johnny comes home and say's, "Mommy, the teacher measured everyone's height in class today, and I was taller than everyone. Is that because I'm a trumpet player?" His mom shakes her head and say's, "No, honey, that's because you're twenty-six."

[PVnRT]

29. How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?

Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

[northzax]

30. what's the difference between a drummer and an onion?

no one cries when you cut the drummer.

[leftofthedial]

32. how can you tell if the stage is level?

the drummer drools evenly out of both sides of his mouth.

[Snow]

33. What do you call two oboes playing together?

a half-step

[leftofthedial]

34. how do you get a guitar player to turn down the volume?

put a chart in front of him.

[northzax]

36. why are all guitarist jokes one liners?

so the rest of the band can get them.

[Blue-Jay]

35. Definition of a minor 2nd?

Two piccolos playing in unison.

[mac56]

38. What's the difference between a musician and an investment bond?

Eventually the bond will mature and earn money.

How do you know when there's a jazz musician at your door?
He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To try and escape that horrible noise.

What's the difference between a moose and an orchestra?
With the moose, the horns are in front and the asshole's in back.

Take it!

deleted a dupe!

[Richardo]

39. Those are great, mac56

:D

[ruidounion]

41. Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!

Mom replies: But Johnny, you can't do both.

[BurtWorm]

42. How do you wind up with a million dollars as a jazz impressario?

Start with two million.

[BarbaRosa]

43. How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb

Four. One to change the bulb and a trio to sing about how great the old bulb was.

[Bridget Burke]

44. Define perfect pitch

When you throw a banjo into the dumpster & it hits an accordian.

[TrogL]

45. An oldie

In a London performance of Beethoven's ninth, a pattern soon emerged.

During the second movement, after the first few notes, there's not much for the bass players to do, so they would scurry out the back door to the orchestra pit to hoist a few in the pub next door.

There's also not much happening in the way of conducting so most conductors do it from memory. This particular conductor would tie a string around the score to hold it open ready for the next movement.

Hence, when it's time for the last movement....

It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied and the bases are loaded.

*ducks and covers*

[TrogL]

46. The oboe

"an ill wind nobody blows good"

[TrogL]

47. Tuba or not tuba

[TrogL]

48. Organists do it with their feet

[Streetdoc270]

49. What chord do you get when you push a Piano down a mine shaft?

A Flat Minor

[MiddleRiverRefugee]

50. How can you tell if a bass player is extroverted?

He stares at YOUR shoes.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

61. snicker

But you know what's funny? Of all the bass players I've known, I only met one who wasn't particularly likeable.

[Bake]

51. What six words are NEVER heard at a bluegrass festival?

Is that the banjo player's Porsche?

HA! And I AM a banjo player. Don't have a Porsche!

Bake

[stopbush]

52. 1) How many sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to change the bulb...and 4 to discuss how David Sanborn would have done it.

2) How do you know when a viola section is outside your front door?

Nobody knows when to come in.

3) What does trombonist say when he gets to his gig?

"Do you want fries with that?"

4) What's a 6-9 chord?

That's when the root of the bass is in the soprano.

5) How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. She holds the bulb still and the world revolves around her.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

53. What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Drool.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

54. Why do conductors wear turtlenecks?

To hold the foreskin back.

[northzax]

55. Guy goes to the doctor

and says, "Doc, I can't shit, it's been a week, and I jsut can't shit."

So the doctor does all sorts of tests, but can't find anything wrong, so he prescribes a laxative and tells the guy to come back in a week.

Week later, guy comes back and says "doc, I still can't shit."

"well, that's very strange," says the Doctor, "I'm going to ask you some questions, see if we can get to the root of this. First off, what do you do?"

"I'm a drummer."

Doctor says" well, why didn't you say so? Here's five bucks, go get something to eat."

[southpaw]

56. How do you make a drummer's car more aerodynamic?

Take the "Domino's Pizza" sign off of the roof.

[Ramsey]

57. Always worse when drums stop

An English explorer came across a remote village in a remote African jungle. He was greeted by the village elders and invited to a feast with the tribal chief. A grand repast was served around a roaring fire. In the distance, the explorer could hear a steady beat of ominous drums. After a while he asked the chief: "What is the meaning of that drumming". Giving the explorer a horrified look, the chief simply says: "Always worse when drums stop".

The explorer is given a nice tent and a village girl for his amusement (that little detail is just for you, matcom :evilgrin:).

Once amused, however, he could not go to sleep for the incessant distant drum beat. He asks the girl, "What is that drumming for?" All she can do is give a frightened look and say: "Always worse when drums stop".

The next morning, feeling groggy and tired, the explorer asks various people why the drums never stopped, at breakfast, during a tour of the village and even during a rousing ballgame, and he got the same reply from every villager: "Always worse when drums stop!".

Finally at his wits end, with those incessant ominous drums grating away at his last nerve, the explorer comes across a young boy whittling a stick outside his hut. He asks the young boy: "Son, can you please tell me why those drums never stop. They are driving me insane!". The young boy looks up and starts to say: "Always worse...". "Yes, yes I know", says the explorer, "always worse when drums stop. But why? What happens then?"

The boy gives him a bored look and explains: "Bass solo".

[stopbush]

58. I've heard the punchline as

"Oh, then the clarinets would come in!"

[Tims]

60. How can you tell if a drummer's knocking at your door?

The knocking slows down.

[geniph]

62. Bagpiper jokes

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.


Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?

A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.


Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?

A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.


Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?

A. Add vibrato.


Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?

A. Someone is blowing into it.


Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?

A. Moving targets are harder to hit.


Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?

A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.


Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

[mitchum]

63. What does a stripper do with her asshole before going to work?

She drops him off at band practice

64. An accordion player leaves his accordion in his car

while he goes into a bar to have a drink. After awhile he remembers he forgot to lock his car. He decides to take a chance that nobody will steal his accordion and has a few more beers.
Sure enough when he goes back out to the car someone has thrown three more accordions in the back seat.