I just don't think I can do it,...again. This drawn-out dying thing is too much, for me.

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

I dunno'. Maybe, my Mom survives/thrives off engaging in perpetual struggle. I don't know.

But, my life has been SPLIT between offering relief to her and care for the PROLONGED dying of my Dad being attacked by brain cancer for nearly 6 months. My Dad IS NOT LIVING,...he is dying and my Mom is fighting to keep him "alive",...and,...

:cry:

,...it's wearing me OUT to the point that,...I do NOT want to go back!!!

I've tried to talk to Mom about alternative arrangements and she gets either hostile or cries. I now realize that, my Mom and Dad NEVER had a truly intimate relationship where they talked about end of life stuff,...hell, I don't think they talked about 'during life' stuff.

I no longer find my involvement the privilege for which I was so grateful: the privilege of being available for my parents. Now, I dread being IN the suffering these two people, my parents, seem so determined to create.

Well, not BOTH, anymore. My Dad is so, so,....so sick. My Mom,...is still engaged in a sort of 'battle' that, apparently kept them going.

I don't understand it, them. I don't want to go back,...but want to be THERE for them. I don't know what to do.

HELP!!!!

Help. x(

[malta blue]

1. ...

:hug:

I am so sorry for you and your family right now. Perhaps you will really have to guide your mom through this process of letting your dad go gently....

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

4. I'm trying. It's,...complicated,...

Fact of the matter is,...my Mom has a role for me,...and it's NOT 'guidance' but rather strictly nurturing. She does NOT want to talk about,...facts or reality or planning,...with me. I am the unconditionally loving and acceptance,...person. Otherwise, she gets hostile.

I have a sister who's undergoing chemo, a brother subject to "homeland security" detail for a couple of weeks, a brother who is struggling with life and a brother who is there, now, attempting to negotiate what he and I talked about,...an alternative to what's happening.

It's kinda' aweful that he and I are trying to work around both Mom and Dad to get them in a better situation,...but, DAMN IT,...Dad is dying and Mom seems absolutely obsessed with keeping him alive (and I do not understand what's happening to her except,...she MUST be bordering breakdown exhaustion).

Somehow, I've got to collect myself and get back to them. Presently, I just don't want to go and,...

,...that's AWEFUL!!! :cry:

I WANT TO BE THERE,...but,...I do not want to go back.

I don't want to go. I've had enough. I don't want to go.

I will go back,...but I don't want to. :cry:

I'm a horribly weak and aweful person. :cry: I don't want to go back to the people I love most. :cry:

[undeterred]

8. ugh... I can relate, in a small way

When the only thing people will accept from you is to be the "unconditionally loving and acceptance" person, you're going to burn out. You have feelings to deal with too. You need someone, somewhere to recharge your batteries.

Can you get someone outside the family to go to for support? Is there anyone outside the family, like a doctor or another relative, that can talk to your mother about how she is handling this?

I have a friend whose dog just died, and she is very angry and depressed... she gets angry at anyone who isn't totally supportive of her and interested in her pain... so she gets angry at everyone. She's driving me away, even though I do my best. People need to take responsibility for their own emotions.

The same day my father died, my siblings and my mother I were riding around in the funeral directors car looking for a place to bury him. He kept asking my mother what my dads wishes were, and she said, "we never talked about it...we didn't think this would happen to us". She thought they were going to avoid death? He was 71. People don't plan for things they don't want to happen.

:hug:

[erinlough]

9. You are not a horribly weak person

you sound like the strength of the family. Good luck to you in dealing with this. From experience of losing two parents within six months of each other I can relate to all you say and I know first hand how hard it is. What is...is. You don't have to solve it all. My thoughts are with you in this most epic of struggles.

[Dangerously Amused]

2. I'm fighting the same battle.

There are no simple answers when one person suffers while another holds all the power to end or prolong it. All I can suggest is to let your Mom know how her actions affect you, without blaming her for them.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

:hug:

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

5. I don't know how to do that,....

,...I don't know how to do that,...

I'll write it down and, maybe, send it to her.

Would that be okay?

[Dangerously Amused]

7. I'm sure that would work.

It might help to phrase it from a personal perspective; in other words, not "I'm mad at you for making him suffer," but instead, "when I see him suffer like that with no chance of improvement, it breaks my heart and I just wish his suffering would end." Or, not "How can you do this to him?" but instead, "I wonder if this is what he would chose for himself, I know I would never choose this for myself."

Good luck.

:hug:

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

12. I reminded her of a conversation we had after a family friend died,...

,...a CLOSE female friend died.

I tried to gear her towards that,...well, sincerely in-depth conversation about death that she and I had. I said, "Remember, Mom, when you said you hoped to be like her and die in a few weeks?"

The conversation ENDED.

I thought about asking her whether SHE would want to live,...like my Dad,...

I couldn't do it.

Maybe, I should ask her to look at him and ask her if that's what she wants.

:cry:

[texanwitch]

3. I have just been there.

My best friend's mother just died from cancer, a long time coming.

My friend couldn't handle it and I had to step in.

I hope I don't have to again.

You need some outside help even if you mother says no.

You can just handle so much.

I wish you peace.

[ThomCat]

6. I am very sorry that all three of you are going through this.

I'm sure your mom probably isn't happy about any of this either. People often deal with their pain in ways that create more. :(

:hug:
I hope your father doesn't suffer much more, and I hope you and your mother both find peace in all of this.

[madeline_con]

10. I don't claim to have all the answers, but looking in from outside,

it seems to me that just for the moment, you should accept what your mom is doing, and just BE. Spend as much time as possible with your dad, and TRY not to engage in too much conversation with your mom that forces her to think about the tough decisions she has to make. Save some energy in case you have some to make on your own. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I hope it helps you in some small way. :hug:

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

11. I just want to say,...thank you,...for all your perspectives.

Damn IT!!!

It's hard!

No matter what you do,...it's either too much or not enough.

I told my Mom, "You aren't SUPERWOMAN even though you are a SUPER woman. You are STILL a human being with limits and you are not only exceeding them but destroying yourself."

I thought about that, what I said to her, a LOT,...and acknowledged how disrespectful many of us become of ourselves, as human beings: our possibilities and challenges and struggles and successes and creativity and,...acceptance that we are mere humans,...

I am no SUPER human,...but, I Love the best I can. That is enough, isn't it.