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From being a witty smartass, to just being silly. What do you think?
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When will the U.S. lead invasion of Canada occur? It would seem as though George W. Bush, but for the purposes of this article we’ll call him shrub, has been pushing for it for a while now. The latest iron in the fire was the U.S. accusation that “Liberalism makes Canada a terrorist haven.”
Yeah, and fundamentalism makes the U.S. a moron haven. I say this because it’s usually unreasonable members of the U.S. religious right that will scream at the top of their lungs when their nation gets the guns out. So much for love thy neighbour. I wouldn’t be surprised if statements like ”Canada is a terrorist haven have some Americans up in arms and wanting the U.S. to invade. We all know how much Americans love to get indignant when they discover other people don’t feel the same way they do.
I’d like to know what Canada ever did to Shrub? Why does he hate us so much? The only reasonable answer I can come up with is comedian Rick Mercer’s prank on him during the last republican primaries. Remember when Mercer went up to Shrub during a republican rally and told him, “Prime Minister Poutine offered his support.” Shrub accepted the endorsement and offered his thank you to the non-existent Prime Minister. It made Shrub look like such an idiot, I think he’s had it out for us Canadians ever since.
And I’m sure our decision not to support his false war against Iraq really got under his skin, there is nothing Shrub hates more than integrity. He loathes it the way a child loathes bedtime. And I’m sure it bothers him even more that Canada was right in our decision seeing as how no Weapons of Mass Distraction, oops did I say that out-loud? I mean Weapons of Mass Destruction were ever found. Combine these two examples with Alberta’s oil and BC’s constant selling of marijuana to the U.S., I bet Shrub feels he would have a legitimate reason to invade.
Shrub didn’t invite Jean Chretien to clear brush on his Texas ranch, and he’s barely shown his face in Canada during the four years he’s been president. All of this distance and secrecy towards us has me spooked.
So I’m thinking I should build a bomb shelter and start buying up all the canned food at the local supermarkets. Then I can rest easy when I hear apache helicopters roaring over the skies above. Maybe, when it’s all over, I can come out waving an U.S. flag and praising Shrub and his band of freedom fighters for liberating my poor oppressed canuck soul.
The other option is to open our borders to the masses of reasonable Americans who would make damn good Canadian citizens. Then maybe we could increase our population enough to overpower the U.S. and be the new big-boys on the block. Imagine a world ruled by Canada. Good reasonable foreign policies, healthcare for everyone, and of course, lots of hockey.
We could be the ones to impose our way of life on the rest of the world. Gordon Lightfoot would be back in the top 40, and world-wide everyone would know what poutine is. But I digress. There’s no sense in dreaming that dream.
Nope, in order for Canada to avoid a complete take over by Uncle Sam, we must arrange a pre-emtive strike. We can fly our sea-kings down across the border in the dead of night, loaded with troops. Then in the morning, right around the time Shrub is sitting down to his sausages and eggs, we strike. Wave after wave of beer drinkin’, lacrosee playing Canadians unleashing an ever so polite invasion of the U.S. Then we’ll rule the world, and finally be the big boys on the block. Only one problem.
It’s not in our nature to be the big boys on the block. In the scheme of things the U.S. is a used car salesman, and Canada is a bookstore clerk. Quiet, unimposing, and apathetic. So unfortunately my above ideas are fairly useless. Except for the bomb shelter, that may come in handy one day.
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