What if your boyfriend was a psychopath?

[kryckis]

I thought this only happened in the movies.

Here's the deal: my brother (let's call him Simon) suffers from a lot of his own problems among which he is 26 but on the emotional level of a 16-year-old. He had/has severe OCD and other psychological problems. He's naive (see emotional level) and "street dumb" but incredibly intellectually smart (which as a result he's successful and rich).

He's been with his boyfriend for over 2 years. They live together. The boyfriend - let's call him Fred - is a loser. He can't hold a job, he's lazy and entitled. He's a parasite basically. My mother hates him. She's tried to talk my brother into better thinking but he's terrified of being lonely so he's put all of his apples in this basket(case).

Now it appears all shit has hit the fan. Fred announced over text that him and Simon should no longer be a couple, while Simon was here visiting us. He had to jump on a train quickly and go back. Fred wasn't remorseful at all. He was quite happy with the two of them still living in my brother's apartment but having separate lives. Simon couldn't believe he wasn't sorry for breaking up with him or even apologetic over how he did it.

Then Simon read all of the messages on Fred's phone while he was sleeping. Turns out he's been having sexual intercourse with hundreds of strangers and others, while Simon's been out of town or at work. He's even hooked up with people in public restrooms! There was even a message from Fred's best friend saying he was going away for a while because he couldn't lie to Simon anymore. So Simon confronted Fred in the middle of the night and what happened is like right out of a Hollywood script. Fred came clean about all the sex, completely remorseless, before falling asleep again. Simon woke him up again and he had a different personality, really nasty and unpleasant. He even said that he was generous for letting Simon stay in the apartment despite breaking up (!). A friend of Simon's had hid in the hallway for all of this and stepped in at this point, and Fred immediately changed back to friendly and was pleased/surprised to see him there (at 2 am!).

The friend at this point, a newly graduated police officer, told Fred to pack a bag and leave. He did and didn't even say goodbye or show any signs of feeling anything about what he'd done. He's a classic psychopath is what the police friend said. He's read about personality disorders as part of his education.

How fucking surreal is this? And more importantly - how could my brother not have noticed that something was amiss during all this time?

My brother is a mess of course. Besides all the emotional damage he could have HIV/AIDS or any number of other deceases.

My mother is broken up about it. I have never seen her like this before. This is probably the worst thing that could have happened to my brother with all his previous issues.

Personally I feel ill. I've met Fred and thought he was immature and unlikable but never in a million years could I imagine that he was psychopathic.

This just doesn't happen in real life.

[old mark]

1. People like Fred are great immitators.

I knew a lot of them when I worked in various drug programs and mental health organizatons. They are great at giving you what they think you want to see, meanwhile taking all they want from you and getting angry when they can't get even more.
I knew several like Fred who were murderers.
Your brother should get tested for STD's ASAP.

mark

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

2. Ok I have two quick points :

If this story is true (and I pray that its not): your brother needs to get tested for AIDS and other STDs ASAP.Not later or next week,NOW.Its best to know as soon as possible and start treatment.

If this story is'nt true:you are a good suspense writer.This would be a good plot for a show.

[hotforteacher]

3. Folks like your brother's partner

are classic narcissists or borderlines. Many are overwhelmingly charming, but behind it all is basically an emotional vampire looking for their narcissistic supply...and they really don't give two squirts of goat piss where they get it from or how it affects others.

The basics of NPD are such as follows:
· inflated self-esteem (i.e., puffed-up self-esteem, actually compensatory for low esteem)
· lack of empathy for others
· feeling entitled to special treatment and privileges
· disagreeableness

Of course, a lot of this crap overlaps with a the other "cluster b" personality disorders (Borderline PD, Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD).

What's important to keep in mind is that people with traits like this prey upon nice, sympathetic people. In the beginning of the relationship it is common for them to "mirror" the better traits of their prey, ergo leaving tons of room for doubt about what the partner is seeing ("...but they were so NICE and KIND"). So if, as you said, the prey happens to be naive or sympathetic or perhaps even unsure about themselves and their abilities, the NPD/BPD will hone in on this only to use it against them when it becomes advantageous. Your brother DID see things along the way, but the nature of the disorder is distortion campaigning and crazy-making...you'd be surprised how high-functioning some of these people are. Think: Ted Bundy.

Lots of "intelligent" people fall victim to these sorts of predators. The bigger the coup, the more narcissistic supply. Ultimately, they will never receive help since it is a personality disorder and grossly skews their self-perception. Unfortunately, this happens all the time. Most of the people guilty of spousal/partner abuse belong to this cluster of disorders.

And nothing is EVER their fault. :eyes: No culpability whatsoever.

I feel badly for your brother, and hope he seeks some counseling because this crap can really crack your universe in two. If anything, reinforce that your brother neither accept nor give any sort of contact with this monster. I'm sorry this has happened to your family. :hug:

[WildEyedLiberal]

8. Everything you said sounds exactly like my ex-bf

He was my first "serious" relationship so I was quite wide-eyed, idealistic, romantic, etc. He became exactly what he knew I was looking for in a man and proceeded to use me, encouraging me to develop strong feelings for him and using them to manipulate me. He claimed he felt the same way but I know now that it was, from the beginning, a grotesque charade. Fortunately, I wasn't the kind of woman he decided he wanted - I am strong willed and did not acquiesce to his every whim or hang onto his every word. This irritated him because he imagines that he is the most intelligent, the funniest, the most handsome, the most superlative man ever born on planet earth. If you don't fall all over yourself with fawning adulation, he has absolutely no use for you - not even the barest shred of empathy. When I wore rose-colored glasses and DID think the sun shone out of his ass, things were wonderful. But when he upped the ante and became increasingly more demanding and controlling, and I put my foot down, he dumped me without so much as a backwards glance. As you said, there were warning signs, but he was so "kind" most of the time that I dismissed them as statistical outliers. When he realized that I wouldn't have Stockholm Syndrome and continue to be his "friend" and let him use me as proof to all his future conquests that he is "on good terms" with all his ex's, he took a great deal of delight in being as malicious and hateful as he could. Funnily enough, that was the only time he was ever honest with me about his true motives, I believe. I haven't spoken with him in months and sincerely hope I never see or hear of him again. I just hate that he is still stalking the earth and preying on innocent naive girls. He wasted no time in finding a new plaything, some poor naive 20 year old girl that barely speaks English. I feel awful for her and hope she realizes what a monster he is before it's too late. I'm just glad I got out of that situation relatively early and unscathed. I can only imagine the horror of investing months or years in him only to have my world destroyed.

I second this post; the OP needs to give his brother TONS of emotional support right now, because being the victim of a sociopath is one of the most confidence-shaking experiences that can happen to a person. He needs to get tested for everything ASAP, and if god forbid he did contract something from his psycho ex, he needs to get lots of mental support as well as physical treatment, because this is NOT HIS FAULT. I don't know if I'll ever fully trust a potential partner again, although my confidence thankfully has recovered for the most part by now, as I am fully aware that he was a smooth operator and there's no way I could have foreseen what a complete pathological fiend he'd end up being. And my situation pales in comparison to the OP, so believe me, he needs all the help and support you can offer him right now.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

4. get your brother tested. HIV though difficult to live with is no longer deadly.

(atleast not in america).

make sure the bf moves out. stay with your brother if you have to, to ensure this occurs.

[PassingFair]

5. This is unusual?

I've seen this happen to LOTS of women.

Men do this all the time!

[Swede]

6. Thank god that women don't.

[NewJeffCT]

7. Sorry to hear about your brother

I would echo what everybody else said and have him get tested right away.

But, sometimes people like your brother may just have been blinded to Fred's faults. Was this his first long-term relationship? If so, maybe Fred also took advantage of that?

[BlueIris]

9. I'm really sorry. My ex was a sociopath and these people are VERY dangerous.

Simon is lucky he has SANE friends and family members to help out with the fall-out from the trauma.

[applegrove]

10. "This just doesn't happen in real life" - oh yes it does!