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I recently moved in with a good friend of mine. Now, as some of you will know, I'm basically incapacitated now. When we first moved in together, I wasn't doing well, but I wasn't this bad.
But, at this point, I have a really really hard time cleaning. In fact, mostly I can't. I can't generally stand long enough to do dishes. Sweeping and mopping are out of the question, as is taking out the garbage and doing laundry. Picking things up is incredibly difficult.
I've had this conversation with my room mate. Before I got this bad, I did most of the cleaning. Since getting bad, I've had people come in twice and completely clean everything, do my laundry, etc. So, here's the problem:
I'm fed the fuck up. I can not live like this. I don't know how anyone can live like this.
the garbage and recycling piles up and starts to SMELL BAD. It got to the point where I had to throw it out on the back stairs or throw up. THEN she noticed, and eventually took it out. I said, "Why don't you just take a little bit every time you go, that way it wont be a huge job?" and she said "Oh hey, that makes sense. Why didn't I think of that?" But, did she do it? No. No no no.
She can not wash dishes. I think partially it's a skill issue, and partially an attention issue. I continually find dishes with actual food stuck to them. Like, really dirty dishes. Dishes covered in a slimy oily film. Lipstick marks on cups. Food stuck to coffee mugs. On and on. I have spoken to her repeatedly about this. When it started, I would just re-wash things, and mention that things weren't coming clean and make helpful and friendly suggestions. I did that at least three times. Then, I just started going over all her dishes and rewashing the dirty ones, which are usually 85% or more. Finally, I got mad and firm. I saved the dishes and showed them to her, so she wouldn't think I was some sort of nutbar. She could see the food and the oil and the gross. And she, every time, says sorry and says she'll watch for it. But she never does. And it is EMBARRASSING to pull out a glass for someone when they come to visit and have a hunk of old cheese fall off the bottom. Really embarrassing.
One time, she cut her hair in the bathroom and left the hair in the sink for 2 days. I mentioned it to her, she said she was sorry and went to clean it out. When I went back and looked, the sink was still covered in hair. She shaves her legs in the bathtub and doesn't rinse it out. Also mentioned that to her more than once. But she still doesn't do it. Where I'm from, it's polite to do it hair or not, but I mean, at least when its full of your old hair. The second time she "cleaned" her hair from the sink, I noticed that the tap was filthy. She didn't actually clean the sink, like properly wipe it out with a cleaner, wipe down the tap and around the basin, she just scooped out her hairs. What is the point of that?!
She only sweeps if she spills something, and then only where she can actually see it and doesn't have to work to get it in the dustpan. And, if there isn't a bag in the garbage, she just leaves it sitting in the dustpan in the middle of the floor.
She took the garbage out of the bathroom, to empty it I guess once, and didn't bring it back for over a week. During that time, she just dropped empty TP rolls on the floor. When she brought the garbage back, she didn't pick them up. She just left them on the floor.
She managed to spill and entire pot of coffee all over my microwave unit, where the coffee maker sits. The thing is on wheels. and I'm talking 12 cups of coffee. She wiped what she could see, and mopped what she could see. I was a away for a couple of days, and when I came back and opened the dry goods cupboard in the unit it was FULL of grotty dried on coffee. That had, by that time, soaked in to the flour, etc. She cleaned in IN FRONT OF ME. The next day, I opened the cupboard and it was still filthy.So I got down on my hands and knees, in fucking agony, and cleaned it my god damn self, including cleaning everything that was in there. There was coffee ALL over the floor, soaked in to cleaning cloths we had there that by that time stank. There was coffee under, on and in the microwave. There was a huge puddle that hardened into a sticky gross mess under the coffee maker. The unit is stained and the coffee soaked in and basically ruined parts of it.
We had a pipe explode under our sink also when I was away. She left everything that was under the sink when it happened and in the adjoining cupboards down there. I pulled it all out, some of it was filthy from the pipe explosion, some of it filthy from not being washed. But after doing that, I had to stop. I was in bed when she came in. She put EVERYTHING AWAY. like, it would never occur to her to wonder why I pulled it all out. or to even LOOK AT THE STUFF, because it was clearly dirty. Very dirty.
There's more, but I'll leave it at that for now.
I said to her at one point, when she had someone over, that I really really dont feel comfortable having people over when the place is like this. I find it embarrassing. She agreed and said she felt the same way and blah blah blah. I woke up this morning, well, ok, I got out of bed at 4:15am after giving up on sleep, and she had someone over. they were in her room, but I saw the stuff and shoes. So I flipped.
I spent HOURS cleaning today. Until I was crying, it hurt so bad. I couldn't move for hours afterward. But, I just couldn't take the filth and the garbage everywhere and the dirty dishes and gross floors and icky bathroom anymore. I just couldn't. And the idea that someone was in my home, seeing this, knowing we lived like this was making me sick. When she got out of bed, I just couldn't even talk to her, because I knew that if I did, I would have said things I'd regret.
But I have to talk to her about it. A bit of mess, I can deal with. I am not a tidy person. But I can not deal with filth. It's like, she just doesn't see things. She doesn't look. She "cleans" things, and somehow doesn't see food stuck to them, or hair everywhere, or notice stuff sticking to her feet in the kitchen. It's like it just doesn't occur to her that coffee is, hey, a liquid. And liquid kinda runs everywhere, even under things!
Every time I try to talk to her about it, she says "Oh yeah, I know." or "I was just going to do that" or "Oh I noticed that too, I was thinking about that" or similar things. But it just IS NOT TRUE. This very morning, she said to me "You're doing all the things I was going to do today"
I would bet anyone $100 that she wouldn't have done them if she hadn't seen me doing them. I KNOW she wouldn't have. Because WHY wouldn't she have done these things last week when I pointed them out to her, like the coffee under the microwave? (I couldn't move the microwave to clean under it).
I have no idea how to talk to her about this. She just doesn't LISTEN, she doesn't see things. She says I'm sorry I'm sorry, but she doesn't follow through. I put aside dirty dishes, OBVIOUSLY dirty dishes that she's washed, like far away from the dish drainer so they wont get put away, and she doesn't even see how dirty they are, she just puts them away. How do you talk to a person like that?
She is my friend, and I like her. But this is just...I don't know. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I know to a certain extent I'm stressed and miserable and more likely to get upset about things. But, because I know that I've tried really hard to be reasonable and patient and careful. I'm at my wits end. And I don't believe I'm just reacting because I'm stressed. You can only say the same thing so many times.
How the hell do you talk to a person who just doesn't see the same things you do, who doesn't have the same idea of clean as you, and who refuses to listen? It isn't just this that she reacts like that to, in work situations too, try to talk to her and its "Oh yeah, I know. That's what I figured, yeah I was going to do that" etc etc etc
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh not looking forward to this conversation.
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