I need some advice. I think my girlfriend may be a lesbian...

[jeter]

...or bisexual. Or maybe i'm being stupid. I went out with a girl two years ago who came out to me eventually. That shocked me. So maybe i'm just being paranoid.

But here it is: she's always talking about how beautiful women are and always asks me about threeways (if i've had them, if I want them, etc.)

She had a lot of gay friends.

Then today she told me that she is attracted to some women.

I didn't pursue it. I was too much in shock. I kept thinking to myself that this could not possibly be happening to me twice in two years. I mean WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT.

I think she and I have to talk about this. I'll see her tomorrow. We'll talk then.

But for the record, let me say that I have no problem with homosexuality or people who are homosexuals. Many of my girlfriends friends (that are gay) are also my friends. I don't think any less of them.

But it still sucks that I may lose her the way I lost my other girlfriend. My girlfriend two years ago ended up getting very mad at me and the relationship ended badly. You have to see it from my point-of-view. It's not the homosexuality that bothered. It was losing her. I was just supposed to accept that this girl (that I loved) no longer loved me. I was supposed to be cool about it. "We can still be best friends" she told me. But HOW? I mean, had she left me for a guy i'd be pissed right? So why not for a woman? You see what i'm saying?

Anyway, I am so afraid the same thing is happening all over again. I have two minds of it. If she is only bi-sexual, should I let her experiment with it? Should I let her go and "find herself?" I am so afraid that things will turn out as they did with my other girlfriend. What if she wants to experiment with me and another girl? That COULD BE COOL for me too.

I just don't know what to think. I'm afraid i'm going to develop a complex about this. I don't want to.

I would appreciate some input by our homosexual or bisexual members here. Am I just crazy?

What advice can you guys give me?

[Mass_Liberal]

1. If I were you

I would aim for the threesome before it's all over. Just joshin ye ;-) . I have no experiences with relationships anyway.


I wish you luck w/ the whole situation.

Peace.

[sasquatch]

2. You have the gift that every straight male wish he had

;)Maybe you should write a book? I guarentee that MATCOM will read it:silly:

[jeter]

4. Gift, what gift?

Turning my girlfriends into lesbians?

That's a gift?

[sasquatch]

10. You can't change anyone no matter what you do OK!

Your gift is finding women that are either lesbian or bi-sexual. It isn't your fault that they come out when they're getting involved with you. You, for some reason have the ability to find these women:shrug: In all reality I haven't any professional advice to give you on this ordeal. Except that surpressing her sexual feelings will do more harm than good. In the end when she finally comes out, she will hate/resent you.

[jeter]

14. What is it about beautiful lesbians

Christ, I've never met a lesbian (including my current girlfriend - potentially) that hasn't been SUPER SEXY.

[sasquatch]

16. I don't know

It doesn't even have to be a real sexy woman to get men attracted to lesbians. Something in our glands I guess:shrug:

[Dookus]

3. Yeah, you gotta talk to her about it....

it sounds like she may well be bisexual.

You can use that to your advantage, sexually speaking, if that's your thing, but if it's not, then it's something you should definitely clear up now.

Best of luck!

[jeter]

7. The thing is this...

...she has never been in a homosexual relationship. Of all the girls I've dated, she would be the last person I would think of being a homosexual or bisexual.

She was married to her high school sweetheart for four years. Before me she dated other men.

When I met her she was fancying a friend of hers (who turned out to be gay himself).

I mean she was definitely straight.

She would always talk about marriage and kids.

Now I don't know.

Maybe she just wants to experiment. How much leeway should I give her? That's the question really.

[Dookus]

20. alas...

it's not YOUR leeway to give. She's gonna do what she needs to do, and it's better if you and she talk it out ahead of time.

It could work just fine - I'm gay, my bf is bisexual. There's no rule as to how it has to be. But ignoring the issue is the worst solution - just talk to her!

[jeter]

21. I'm definitely not going to ignore this...

I will talk to her tomorrow. I just needed today to sort things out in my head.

[Enraged_Ape]

5. Obviously, suggesting (and arranging, if possible) a three-way...

with her and an attractive "friend" would be a sure-fire way to assuage your fears and then maybe see what develops. This would be a great way to see exactly what the basis is for your relationship.

You lucky bastard.

[Nevernose]

6. Do you suspect she's bisexual or bi-curious?

How old is she? Being "bi-curious" seems to be really popular among the younger ladies these days.

At any rate, as someone who has fucked up every relationship possible, in every way possible, I beg you to TALK TO HER about it.

If there's a problem, it can't hurt anything; it can only help.

[jeter]

8. She just turned 27 - on Valentines Day.

[Nevernose]

17. I've been through this twice

For me, at least, it wasn't "every guy's dream" (then again, I'm a little old fashioned).

I've also had several friends who had allegedly bisexual girlfriends, but their relationships were fucked up in entirely other ways, so I can't speak for them.

Speaking from a purely personal perspective, I can tell you: One woman was truly bi-curious. She found out that she was NOT bisexual, after a couple of experimentations, just a couple of years ago. She was 27, and we had divorced two years prior (she got pregnant young). The other girl was bi-curious. To the best of my knowledge, she has never acted on any homoerotic sexual inclination; I strongly suspect she was just trying to please me, since lesbians are a large part of what the mass-media feeds women these days.

A very close friend of mine is still screwed up by his girlfriend's leaving him for a woman, however.

TALK to her, no matter how embarrassing or awkward it might be. If it works out, great (you might be one of the lucky ones who gets the "freaky" sex). If it doesn't work out, it's better to know now, isn't it?

[jeter]

19. Excellent advice, thank you Argumentus

[NNadir]

9. I dated a lesbian twenty years ago. It didn't work out.

I thought it might because my best friend was married to a bisexual who had lived with another woman for many years. I sought their advice and they said, "you can overcome it, we did."

I hung on for a while. She was a beautiful woman, but it was pretty clear after a while that she - and more importantly almost all of her friends - had issues with men in general. My girlfriend, I think, wanted to be thought of as heterosexual or at least bisexual for business and family reasons, and though it was a shame that that was necessary, it certainly wasn't respectful of me.

Eventually I cut my losses. I married someone else and have been extremely happy ever since.

And my friends? Their ultimate divorce was one of the nastiest I've ever known.

My advice? Do as I did. Be very careful. Sexuality for most people is not something they choose. It's something they are.

[jeter]

11. NNadir, I appreciate that

I can relate. I'm not new to this dating a lesbian thing.

[Thtwudbeme]

12. Jeter, calm down

I understand why you are upset over the thought of losing her, OK? I know you are not speaking of homophobia.

It is completely NORMAL for some women to fantasize about other women.

Just talk to her, and see what's going on before you freak out.

It sounds to me like she is just opening her mind.

[ChiefHappyButt]

13. have a sex change

and forgetaboutit

[Quixote1818]

15. I was raised by a psychologist and here is what she would say

Try not to let prejudices and the things society says are right tell you what to think or feel. Follow your heart and find the beauty in her free spirited ways. If she gets the impression you think she is odd or strange because of her attractions she will most certainly reject you because you would be sending a message there is something wrong with her. I would embrace who and what she is and help her feel good about her attractions as natural and beautiful. Lets face it you seem to have a real erotic fantasy about her with another person do you think that fantasy is wrong? Of course not it's a part of who you are. Have the guts to do what you really want to do. Don't suppress those feelings but embrace them and just have fun. Loosen up or you will be left again. Ross from Friends had the same problem. Remember?

If you follow your heart and what she does seems too weird then you must let go of her because you must embrace all of her even the things that society as put a negative light on. If you can't then you two are not meant to be. Accept her or move on.

[jeter]

18. Quixote, I don't think its weird

Here's the deal.

Who she is to me has changed dramatically in the past 12 hours. At least how I see her in my head.

She is a high school teacher. She is very sweet. Awesome to talk to. One of those girls you want to marry. I was hoping to have a long running relationship with her.

But she is still very beautiful to me. Would I love to watch her with another woman? Honestly? Yes. That could be cool. Would I love to be part of it? Even more so.

But that's the thing. Now i'm suddenly seeing her differently. I'm seeing those fantasies, instead of what she was before.

There is danger in that - you see?

Because it may ruin the whole equilibrium that we have already developed. In the end, it may poison our whole relationship.

[Quixote1818]

23. You are in love! That changes things in my opinion.

You summed your feelings up with these two lines:

There is danger in that - you see?

Because it may ruin the whole equilibrium that we have already developed. In the end, it may poison our whole relationship.


Jeter, I get the feeling that you really like this person and you have a very old fashoned idea of the perfect relationship which is perfectly natural. You really want this to work and for you two to be together for a very long time. I would tell her just what you told me. I would be very flattered if a girl I liked (I am straight)told me that she had all kinds of erotic fantasys but she liked me in a way that was so powerful she wanted to keep it pure and old fashoned. If I really liked this person I would be honered and flattered that they were willing to give up certain fantasys for something real and pure. I think you are making the right call if this is a person you want to be together with for the rest of your life and you want to be able to respect one another in a way that is much bigger than kinky sex. Follow your heart and if she cant accept your heart then she is not good enough for someone as quality as you seem to be.

[jeter]

25. I do like her

She's special. I think the world of her.

I still don't think she is a full-blown homosexual. I think she is just curious.

I suppose that is the problem as far as I am concerned. What should I do? Do I let her experiment? Do I allow myself to be part of it?

I don't know.

I have a feeling that one way or another. Our relationship will enter a new phase beginning tomorrow.

Either we will get past this and grow stronger. Or, it will be the beginning of the end.

Because seriously, I just don't see how we become a long-term couple if we engage in such sexual practices. It may be fun for a while, but it won't last IMO.

[Quixote1818]

27. You have a good head on your shoulders

You said:

There is danger in that - you see?

Because it may ruin the whole equilibrium that we have already developed. In the end, it may poison our whole relationship.

I agree 100%. And as Dr. Laura would say "Now go take on the Day!"

Oh MY God, did I just quote Dr. Laura?

No, seriousely it seems like you are ready to move this relationship to a new level and you will find out if she is ready to do the same thing. If she is not then you can't compermise and decide to have kinky sex or she will think you have no balls. You must stand your ground and be willing to walk away and if you do she may decide she wants to be with you in a serious way. What ever she says stick to your guns.

[Nevernose]

28. Oh, horseshit.

With all due respect, Jeter (and to Quixote whom this thread belongs), I suspect that your feelings are a little more than you "like" her.

First things first: be honest with yourself (and your buds at DU). From an admittedly complete outsider's POV, you more than "like" this woman. You've got it pretty bad for her, otherwise you wouldn't even be posting this thread in the first place. Is it maybe even time to start using the "L" word? :evilgrin:

Promise me you'll talk to her about it?

[rucky]

22. I dated a bi for awhile

and she saw other women. i dig women so I could see where she was coming from, I mean, there are some parts of peoples lives that one gender can fulfill and the other one just cant. so no, you're not turning women gay (i know you know that but it was funny to say, no?). you're probably just attracted to unconventional, free-spirited women so go with it & don't try to tame 'em or any expectations like that. you'll know pretty quick if that type of relationship works for you or not. I found out I was more traditional than I thought I was, but it was a great experience & we're still friends.

ps: threesomes never came up for me, so can't help you there - other than the standard Loveline answers/

[LoZoccolo]

24. Everybody's a little bit gay.

(I think of Margaret Cho's imitation of her mother looking at that sentence.)

I mean c'mon you know it's true. Maybe it's just that phenomenon that she was talking about.

On edit: so stop worrying!

[gator_in_Ontario]

26. I'm a lesbian

and one of my exes left me for a man and that really was a kick in the ass, so it is perfectly normal for you to be just as hurt if she leaves you. But talk to her...she might just be admiring beauty and well-groomed women. Does she ever comment on good-looking men? Some humans just look good! I find some men attractive, but it doesn't mean I'm wanting anything sexual with them. Good luck!

[mitchum]

29. Tell her that's so 90s

[dfong63]

30. would it be any better if she were attracted to other men instead?

i say put aside the lesbian angle for awhile. just consider the fact that she's apparently interested in sex with a third person, whether female or male. that is not a good sign. on the other hand, fantasies and attraction don't necessarily mean she's really a lesbian or really going to act on those feelings.

i would suggest you make it clear to her (or any potential partner) that you consider sexual fidelity to be an absolute requirement. her response may give you some clue as to how serious her feelings are.