Why families should be abolished.

[China_cat]

I have my train tickets to go see my oldest and his family in Sept. I haven't seen them in almost 10 years. With a side trip to see my favorite ex-husband's sister. I haven't seen Annie since she was 17, although we've been in touch...mostly since my favorite ex died a few years ago.

So...my nephew and his girlfriend decide to get married SEPTEMBER 21. (When they got engaged 3 months ago they had decided to wait to get married until she finishes college. In 2 years) The family is outraged that I'm not going to come to the wedding, even though they knew my plans and the fact that I had paid for the tickets almost a month ago...long before they dropped this news on me.

If I change my plans and go to the wedding, then I get shit from my son and granddaughters. I feel like the only way I'll get any peace is to satisfy everybody and just stay home. I won't get near the crap for staying home than I would for going either place.

Right now I wish I was an orphan...or at least an only child.

[Midlodemocrat]

1. Can you combine the trips?

Ten years is a long time to not see your child. You need to see him and his family, but if there is a way that you could combine the trips or move the date around, that may be an answer.

[China_cat]

3. Nope. No way.

[TZ]

2. Sympathies!

you can't unfortunately choose who you are related too, unlike friends.
I truly understand your feeling...I try to pretend quite often that I don't have any sisters (I have 2, both kinda nutters):hug:
I say keep your plans intact and screw them if they don't understand.

[DS1]

4. wedding people will just have to deal with it

direct family > indirect

[China_cat]

5. This is direct family

My sister's son. And it is direct family that will be bitching.

It'll be easier for me to stay home.

[DS1]

6. I disagree

:shrug:

[Gormy Cuss]

18. Your siblings and their children are old enough to know better.

Your trip was known, booked and paid for before this announcement. End of discussion. If someone in my family tried to pull that crap I'll tell them, in the politest of terms, that contrary to his/her opinion the world most certainly does not revolve around him/her.

[Phillycat]

7. You haven't seen your son in 10 years? Yeah, I think that takes priority.

He is your immediate family - your nephew is not.

[China_cat]

8. He was in the Air Force and stationed in places

where it was impossible for me to visit. My oldest granddaughter was 10 at the time. She'll be 20 in November. I missed her high school graduation because my husband had to go out of town for a union training and I was looking forward to this year.

Oh well, I should have known it wouldn't happen.

[SeaLyons]

9. Ask yourself what YOU want to do....

and then DO IT. Problem solved.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

10. Go see your son and family!! Leave a large monetary gift for

nephew. Trust me.

[China_cat]

19. No money.

I had to spend $1300 on tickets for the trip. (Can't fly, won't sit in a regular train car for 27 hours so I'm going with a roomette)

But I just checked their registries. One of the things they want is a rather high end gas grill. It's paid for and on its way. I figure that's fitting since I'm sure they'd like to be barbequeing me.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

21. you will be fine ...you have a good sense of humor. --

Now that you have adjusted your priorities, go and enjoy your son and grandkids. Your nephew's bride will be THRILLED to show off the pics when you return.

barbeque ;) :rofl:

happy journies and safe travels :hug:

[auntAgonist]

11. PLEASE .. don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

:hug:

Go see your son. Original plan. Send a nice gift to your nephew and his bride to be with a kind note telling them you have tickets and plans and that you wish them well or something to that effect :)

Really, your son at this point is more of a priority.

Take it from one who has 'cut off her nose' many times. It hurts.

"I feel like the only way I'll get any peace is to satisfy everybody and just stay home. I won't get near the crap for staying home than I would for going either place."

been there DONE that.

aA
kesha

[Dora]

12. son trumps nephew

You haven't seen your son's family in TEN YEARS???? Gentle Jeebus on a Vespa, go! Send a nice card to your nephew and his new bride, and have a GREAT TIME.

If your sister doesn't understand, that's her issue to work on, not yours. As far as outrage is concerned, IMO they're faking it. This event doesn't warrant that kind of temper tantrum - anything other than disappointment is self-manufactured ego gratification. Tell your sis that now is a great time to set an example for her son by loving you unconditionally and wishing you the best. If she doesn't, then you can model it for her by sending your nephew and his new bride a nice card/gift.

Drop the guilt, don't participate in the drama, and above all, have a wonderful time visiting with your son and his family!

[Kali]

13. Seems pretty obvious that you already have (paid for) plans.

The nephew side is not following their own plans, send a nice gift do what you were going to do.

[stuntcat]

14. Just don't let them make you feel bad

Don't let anyone give you guilt.. you have your own plan, with tickets and everything. The trip sounds like fun. As big a deal as weddings are to the people getting married it would just be a couple of hours of ceremony.. it sounds like the trip could be more important family time.

With a wedding coming up they should have more things to worry about than if you'll cancel your trip and disappoint everyone you were going to visit.

[KitchenWitch]

23. BTW I added you!

:hi:

[stuntcat]

24. cool!

ty :hi: :hug:

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

15. Slip the nephew some bucks

Enough bucks to convice him & GF to elope to Vegas.

That'll shut up that side of the family, and you can visit your son in peace.

:rofl:

Seriesly, enjoy your visit with son & g'daughters. Nephew & GF won't notice your absence in all that mayhem, and will appreciate your generous gift. The family will get over it.

:hi:

[trof]

16. I missed a family funeral for the same reason.

An uncle who I was close to.
His son and daughter, who I am also close to, were much more understanding.
"Go ahead. He wouldn't want you to waste all that money."

[SacredCow]

17. I feel for ya...

but it's clear as day to me that you stick to your original plans, and send your regrets and a gift to the couple to be married.

[malta blue]

20. Unfortunately you have plans that cannot be changed.

PERIOD.

I'm sorry they are going to be jerky to you, but they will have to accept the fact that you have plans.

:pals:

[China_cat]

27. The last time something like this happened

they stopped talking to me at all for almost 5 years. My grandfather was still alive at the time and for part of that time it was ok because I could call him. But after he had to go into a nursing home when he broke his hip, I had no way of contacting him or getting news for almost a year. I had to grovel to get them to take him to a phone so I could talk to him.

[Zavulon]

22. Just follow your heart and don't worry about the fallout.

Easier said than done, true, but you were put in an unfair position. Life's too short to change your plans on short notice just because someone did the same with theirs.

[alphafemale]

25. Go see your son. You had cherished plans and they knew it. This is a deliberate power play.

I'd be willing to bet this isn't the first time things like this have happened in your family.

Stop playing into their BS games.

[raccoon]

26. Go through with your plans the way that suits YOU best, and don't let any relatives

or in-laws lay a guilt trip on you. Some of my family did that to me some years ago. I bought into that shit then. I won't do it again.

A very wise DU'er said it is usually the loudest and most obnoxious family members that almost always get their way. In my family it has been that way too. It's time for the non-obnoxious members to not let them get away with their bullshit any longer.

Do what you need to do and don't you dare feel guilty or bad about it. :hug: