A question about marriage and infidelity

[TZ]

Has anybody heard about a marriage that survived an "affair of the heart"? Not necessarily an physical affair but a true connection between a spouse and a third person? I have heard that this type of affair usually is a deal ender for a relationship..Because the person who forms the emotional attachment does so because they don't have what they need from their spouse.
Well recently I heard about a case where the spouse who had the affair cut off the affair de coeur saying that it had actally made his marriage stronger..To me thats bizarre..Yeah the spouse may have been given a wake up call but to know your spouse has a torch for someone else..I don't think I could get past that..maybe a physical relationship one night stand but to know my partner loved someone else..yikes.....:shrug:

[crimsonblue]

1. meh, it's a pick your poison...

depends on what angers you more, physical fucking or emotional fucking. But usually, a physical affair occurs because something is missing emotionally... or the person is just a nympho.

[unpossibles]

2. my marriage is currently surviving (and thriving from) an "affair of the heart"

but it's not an affair in the sense of it not being a secret, nor has it ended. My wife has a guy she's quite in love with, and I'm ok with it.

It's not always easy, either, but it's good and we have grown to appreciate each other a lot more than we have in years. But frankly, being honest about attractions and whatnot is better than worrying about them, imo,

[TZ]

4. wow.

So is she friends with the guy IRL and sees him socially?

[unpossibles]

7. oh yeah.

they go on dates too. Romantic ones, even.

[Lorien]

10. I gotta ask; what about the affair strengthens the marriage?

I'm not judging, just curious. My father had many affairs but always went back to my stepmother. Eventually she threw him out, but not because of an affair, because she just wanted to be alone.I've read that about half of all married women cheat and 70% of men do, so monogamy doesn't seem terribly "natural" to me. I'm with FarceofNature; I wouldn't care much if an SO slept around on me, but an affair of the heart would hurt-though I might get over that. Being hit (again) would put me right out the door. Actually, if I were with a man who abused ANYONE I'd be gone!

[unpossibles]

17. technically it's not really an affair because I knew about it

but that is the key, I think. We communicate a LOT, which means we don't tend to argue often even when we disagree, and we also discuss things like jealousy when it comes up, way before things become a problem.

But back to your question, she realizes the things which she fell in love with me for are still there, and despite having feelings for someone else, her feelings for me are not lessened by it. Again, we're out in the open about it, so there's no need to sneak around, and no need to start resenting each others' company, and no need to leave each other if we suddenly are attracted to someone else. Instead of seeing that attraction as a sign that our relationship has failed or is missing something - which apparently a lot of people probably do - we try to see it as human/animal nature.

Again, sometimes it's not easy - we both occasionally get jealous, although we don't let it rule us because we discuss it. If something one of us does is bothering the other, we respect that and learn from that. In fact, we feel it boils down to Honesty, Respect, and Safety, and frankly there is more of that in this non-traditional marriage than in other relationships I have been in, and I really appreciate that. I'm not sure how well I am explaining it.

[Shell Beau]

19. How do you get past that? That seems like that would be

really hard.

[unpossibles]

20. it was at first

we discussed the idea long before it ever happened, so that helped.

And I will say that being cool with it benefits me as well, so it's not just altruism - we have made a great effort to be more attentive to each other's feelings since then, ironically, and tend to go on dates more and romance each other more also. Like I said, it's made both of us remember and appreciate what we have in each other.

Jealousy is strange, and I am not trying to say that we don't get jealous ever. But we realized that what usually tends to make us jealous is feeling left out or ignored more than the idea of either of us being "with" someone else, and if one of us gets jealous of something, we sit down and talk it out.

[Shell Beau]

21. Well I am glad that y'all were able to make it work out for y'all!

[TZ]

23. Another question for you

Because its such an unusual situation..Do you see other women..go out on dates? If so why? I really am interested...

[unpossibles]

27. in theory, yes, we're both free to date others

I have gone on one date, and hung out a few times with someone, and visited an old friend in another city once.

I generally don't for a variety of reasons, mostly because I am so busy right now and my time is kind of precious, but also because I just have not met that many people where we have mutual interest in each other. I'm pretty happy with my social & love life right now, honestly.

My wife's friend lives out of town, so they get to spend some time together, but it's not that often, and frankly I don't mid getting the house to myself now and then when they do.

[Gormy Cuss]

3. I think that there are many ways to resolve the infidelity issue

and each person and couple will find their own way. In other words, what works for you or me may not work for someone else. I do know marriages that have survived physical and emotional infidelities, but I can't say whether they were strengthened by the episode.

[Runcible Spoon]

5. a few of my friends have had affairs when they were married/engaged/living with someone

and two of them thought they were in love with the 3rd party. Doesn't take long for that giddy newness to wear off, though, and in the end everyone tried to save their existing relationships. I'm thinking of four couples here. Two broke up, one was married and separated then got back together (only couple with kids), and the last couple actually got more serious after the affair.

I don't know, it all depends on what you personally value and seek in a relationship. Making generalizations sells books but really doesn't offer any honest answers about specific situations. I just recently got engaged, and I'm finding the whole concept of fucking one person forever really scary; and I'm a woman so I can only imagine how hard it can be for men who are more socially pressured to go out and fuck randomly. I would, personally, forgive just sex and get angry at about the level I would if my fiance went out and racked up a big gambling debt. It's about expectations, I guess, and factoring in your partner's feelings and needs along with your own. If my fiance fell in love with someone else, I think that would shatter a more fundamental level of trust. If he hit me, forget it, I'm out the door.

Of course it's easy to say these things from a position of comfort and distance. People don't act rationally when they're actually in the heat of things.

[crimsonblue]

6. I should add

that I was the other man once... Got a girl out of a terrible relationship... He hit her, and made her feel like she was worthless after she was raped. Needless to say, it was doomed from the beginning.

[Lorien]

8. Yes, one case

my boss had an affair with and married one of our coworkers-leaving his wife and two kids. He divorced wife #2 after five years and went back to wife #1. I just had an email from him recently and they seem to be doing well. Their oldest just got married, so at least the mess didn't put the kids off the idea of marriage.

[SPKrazy]

9. I think that anyone who says that an affair of the heart, or of the body

makes their marriage stronger, is speaking a language I don't understand.

[madinmaryland]

11. No. It's not really possible.

Once the emotional attachment has been broken, it's not really possible for there ever to be trust left in a relationship. (personal experience, if that counts)

If someone says it's possible, they are lying or just have no clue to life.

[bluethruandthru]

12. Once you've been cheated on...

Trust is gone forever. Not just trust in the cheating spouse...but any future partner. You may love again, but you'll never really trust again. That being said, finding out what precipitated the cheating and working to correct it, can strengthen a marriage. But, only if both partners really want to save the marriage.

[madinmaryland]

13. Trust.

That is it.

[Runcible Spoon]

14. would you say it's worse than a spouse blowing all of the savings on drugs/gambling?

would you be more sympathetic?

[bluethruandthru]

15. I think if two people really want to save their marriage

then they should get the help they need...in whatever form that takes...and do the best they can. Everyone has their point of no return - something they think is unforgiveable. But, once it really happens, then it's best to assess whether that action really is unforgiveable.
Even though a person really loves their spouse, they may still betray the spouses trust. If they realize it was wrong and work to correct the problem ...they may pull through if the wronged spouse decides to try and find forgiveness for his/her partner.

[madeline_con]

16. Been there, done that.

I was playing 2nd string to a heroine addiction for many years. I finally had to let go and stop trying to rescue him. At least I never got strung out in all that time.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

18. I have to admit, that I wonder how the person with which I was involved (affair of the

heart/never consumated)was able to reconcile with his wife. I can't help it. I am curious as to how the conversation went and what kind of woman is she? Was he truly honest with her or me?
Was it an act of bravery and commitment or, cowardice and resignment on his part. Did he lie to me or did he lie to her? In the end, he lied to himself.

I will never know.

Perhaps it is for the best.

I still would have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall and I wonder if she finally broke down and let him have some sex for the first time in over six months.

[BarenakedLady]

22. I try not to judge anyone else's relationships

If you are outside of it, you have no possible way to understand or know all the factors, personalities, and circumstances.

[XemaSab]

24. Word

:thumbsup:

[Shell Beau]

25. Very true. And while some may never be able to

trust again, some can. And some can truly forgive while others can't. It is different for different people. I hope that my relationship would be able to survive infidelity. I am not sure it could, but I would do everything I could to try and salvage it.

[skygazer]

26. Best answer on this thread

:applause:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

28. Hell, I was IN one and still didn't understand it...

:D

confusion is my general state of mind anyway:shrug:

[SarahB]

29. I think deception is the danger.

My own feelings about this is sex in of itself, not a big deal (as long as no one else is being lied to either). An emotional attachment, perhaps a bit more of a deal.

Deception in any way is dangerous. If my husband got close to another women on an emotional or sexual level and chose to hide it from me, I think that would hurt us more than anything. If he became close with someone and he felt he needed that and everything was upfront to me, that's something else. I'm am his partner and his body (and his mind) is his own. If you can have a dialog in a marriage or LTR that stems from honesty and truth as opposed to lies, insecurity, and a viewpoint of ownership of your partner, you can work out A LOT.

Having said that, in answer to your question, it seriously depends on the couple and their situation and viewpoint.