Dating service web sites

[Droopy]

What's the key to getting people to respond to you on those dating sites? I mean besides being incredibly good looking- all hope is lost for me on that one. :)

I exchanged a few e-mails with a woman who seemed to be out of my league, but she contacted me first so that was alright with me. But it's been 3 days since she last wrote and I don't think we're even close to having that first date. There's another one that I wrote that I'm very much attracted to and on the physical attractiveness scale she's about the same score as me. She's getting her master's degree, and brainy women really turn me on. But she isn't responding to me. That's alright, I understand, but, Jesus, I've written to at least 15 women on that site and only one has responded and that's going nowhere. I'm a "just be yourself" kind of guy, but apparently that isn't cutting it. What do you think? Should I just stay the course or try some kind of gimmick? Please explain.

[sakabatou]

1. Funny

I didn't find my SO on a dating site. Found her on an online game.

[Chan790]

2. I have no idea...

it's any one of thousands of things.

1.) Do you have pictures up?
2.) Do you ask questions in your emails and do they reflect the fact that you've ever read the profile?
3.) Have a close female friend review your profile and tell you if you have "red flags"?

Beyond that...I'd need to read your messages, your profile and the profile of the typical woman you're pursuing.

It's a numbers game. There are more guys on the average dating site than women. The average woman receives more correspondence than they can respond to...so they filter who to respond to.

Want to raise your chances? Message people with no photo who have been a member for a while. People with children. Less-educated, but ambitious people. People who for one reason or another get less messages, tend to respond more. The woman pursuing a master's degree...probably gets 10+ messages a week based on that alone.

[Droopy]

3. Yes I have a pic up and it's a good one

In my introductory message I comment on what she has written in her profile. I might ask a few questions, but not too many. And then I give a brief introduction of myself.

I think you are wrong about the woman with the master's degree. It looks to me like most of the guys flock to the very young and very attractive women.

[Chan790]

4. Also true. n/m

[Frank Cannon]

16. A police station booking photo is not a good idea for a pic

Try something more upbeat and candid, like a photo of you playing with a puppy. A picture with a puppy is a surefire winner.

[alarimer]

21. I think the fact that I was pursuing my Masters had the opposit effect.

Perhaps it's a local thing (think South Texas right-wing redneck and you have described 90% of the guys around here) but I stopped mentioning it in ads because it seems that most guys (in my town, or at least the ones on Yahoo) do not like smart women.

I know that isn't true generally (and not true of the people on DU) but it was my experience in those people I found through Yahoo, at least until the last one. I'm still dating him but he left this town (where he grew up) and is definitely the exception.

[DarkTirade]

5. I'm fairly 'meh' on the subject myself.

:shrug:

[WhollyHeretic]

6. I had about given up on those sites because of the same problem

The only date I ever had from one of those sites was the amazing women I ended up marrying.

I don't know if I have any advice to give. The emails and first conversations just flowed with my wife from the beginning. Don't over-analyze what you're writing (something I did at first) just write it like an email to a friend.

[Kat45]

7. That's not unusual on the dating sights.

I'm a woman who has been on a few dating sites and will probably be back on them again soon. I did meet someone who I've been seeing for two years, though I think I may be breaking up with him soon (but that's another story for another day). Anyhoo, I found that a number of the men I wrote to didn't write back, others were considerate and wrote back to say they weren't interested. Sometimes an email exchange was going on and then he stopped writing.

I could be wrong, but I got the impression men liked to make the first move--either that or they were looking for exactly what they wanted and nothing less. (I tended to be more open-minded and take an interest even when the person wasn't 'perfect' because I doubt that 'perfect' exists--you never know who you might connect with.

I'd say "be yourself" is the right way to go. If you try some 'gimmick,' you might end up finding women who don't really interest you and who you have nothing in common with.

If you don't mind my asking, which site are you using? (I'm familiar with a few.)

[Redstone]

8. How about meeting real women in the real world instead?

Just a suggestion. There are no bars near where you live? No social, business, or other networking groups?

Redstone

[Lorien]

9. Bars are for one night stands. Networking groups?

heck, I've tried various meetup groups; probably a good bet for men, because they are heavily populated by women. The local Dem party is a wash; everyone is either a senior or a student, and no one wants to socialize. Being single these days isn't easy at all, especially for the self employed working at home. Every guy I've met on online dating sites has either been old enough to be my father or incredibly boring (last one's favorite recent activity was watching back to back episodes of Hee Haw, The Laurence Welk show and Soul Train).

[Redstone]

28. I stand corrected. It's been a LONG time since I've been single, and apparently

things have changed.

I think it's still true that the majority of couples meet through their work (as Mrs R and I did), but it's been 17 years since I worked in an office, so THAT may have changed as well.

(That should be refreshing for you to read...a GUY who will admith that his opinion might actually be, uh, wrong.)

Redstone

[Droopy]

10. I hate bars

I've never met anyone in a bar that I'd like to spend more than a few hours with if you know what I mean. On the flip side, I tried church, but couldn't handle that either. As far as being involved in professional or scoial groups I am a member of one, but I can never go to any of their meetings because of my work schdule. That may prove to be the biggest obstacle of them all- I work 11pm-11am Monday night through Saturday morning.

[Connonym]

11. If you don't like bars then I think it would be a bad idea to look for dates at a bar

Sure there are probably some people there for the same reason, they don't like bars but want to meet someone, but my guess would be that the majority of people you meet at bars LIKE being at bars. Not that I have any magical answers. I've tried a bunch of different sites and after 8 years of being divorced I'm still single. I have to say though that I've made friendships with a couple of different men I met on dating sites. A couple who are regular IM buddies and one whose girlfriend I adore and we do lots of stuff together, sometimes with all our kids, sometimes on double dates or just hanging out together. Because of that I can't say that my time on dating sites has been a total waste of time.

[Droopy]

12. Yeah, that's what I was saying

I also like to meet new people without alcohol tainting my vision and making me someone who I'm not most of the time. I don't have anything against people who go to bars unless they are drinking and driving. It's just not the place for me.

[KG]

13. singles site are a perfectly legitimate way of meeting people, don'y let anybody tell you different.

esp people who are married and don't know WTF they're talking about :eyes:

i've been on sites for years, it's a great way to meet people. nothing permanent has worked out yet, but i've a some nice times and made some good freinds.

that said, don't take the process too seriously. there is no secret, it's just as hit or miss as real life.

relax and have fun with it and don't expect to meet your soul mate in 6 weeks ao anything like that.

[Droopy]

14. Okay, KG

Maybe I just need to be a little more active. I'll try messaging more women and see what happens. For a while there on my profile on the dating site I had on there that I was interested only in serious relationships. I've recently changed it to say that I'm now interested in not so serious relationships as well. Maybe that will turn up a few people and we can go from there ans see what happens.

[KG]

15. a few tips, if i may...and this from years of experience...

don't seem 'desperately seeking'. don't bother contacting people you aren't truly interested in. big waste of time. and your initial message doesn't need to be more than a few sentences long to say 'howdy' express your interest. just introduce yourelf like you were at gathering.

be real and throw some humor in the 'about me' part of your your profile. be constantly updating and improving that part. if you have a pet, post a pic of it of the site, if allowed. I get responses from women saying they thought my profile was funny or my dog was cute. great way to spark an online conversation.

also, if your site gives you room to list your interests, list alot of them. and multiple photos. if you want to attract interesting people, appear interesting. seperate yourself from the crowd. i mean everybody likes 'movies, dining out and walks on the beach', duh. your fave books, music, politics, beliefs - let people know who you are.

i'm dirt poor, and none too good-looking, but i'm suprised if i go more than a week or ten days without finding some kind of a shout in my 'inbox'. even if its just polite, friendly comment from someone far away on something about my profile. i actually get much more mail from women then i send out.

prepare to be in it for the long haul. sure, there's lots of walking wounded out there. learn how to figure who they are and don't waste you time or mental energy on them. relax and have fun.

[Droopy]

17. Thanks KG

I'm only allowed 3 pics and they have to be of me, but I only have one up there so there is room for improvement. I don't really want to go into too much detail here, but like you I update my profile from time to time. It could probably use more work, but I think adding those pics could help me out some.

[zanne]

18. Last night, I went to the wedding of two people who met online...

They'd been "looking" for several years, and wound up meeting each other through an online dating service. The irony is that, for all that time, they lived about 1/2 mile away from each other.

[alarimer]

22. I agree.

There's a lot of chaff among the wheat but the good ones are out there.

[Faygo Kid]

19. Be rich.

That's the surest route to success.

[bikebloke]

20. I've done it a while.

And I've since deleted my profiles on most sites except for a freebie meeting & greeting site and another that gave me free credits for posting a few photos. Some of those sites are outright frauds. If they make you pay to reply to someone who initiated contact, you can bet they're bogus. They have people in their office sending messages to lure in the cash. Keep an eye on the photos. If there are too many professional or modeling shots, you can bet they're fraudulent.

Recently, I was contacted by a woman in another state. She even went so far as to send me her phone number. Long distance doesn't work, and I said so in my profile. Had she been local, I might have met her. As it was, I couldn't see spending money on long distance calls for someone I'd never meet in person.

[Silver Swan]

23. I met my spouse on an online dating site.

My advice would be to meet in person as soon as possible.

Spouse and I met in person within two hours of our first contact on the site. Two much emailing just builds up expectations so that reality becomes disappointing.

Before I met spouse, I had met several other men from the site. I often made the first contact. I would just say something like, "I read your profile, and I think we have a lot in common." Then I left it up to them to respond. Sometimes they didn't, but they usually did.

[supernova]

24. My experience

It's a mixed bag, like real life.

I think it can be helpful, especially if you don't have a wide social circle that includes a lot of friends. The hard part of that is, there are no friends, who even though stumblingly, who are thinking about what kind of person you'd like to introduce you to.

I've been on one site for a about three months.

* I've met one person who just in emails and IMs makes me uneasy. Too eager, too lonely (desperate isn't a turn on). I feel ambushed instead of contacted.

* I had one person back out on a coffee date (oh well, wasn't that crazy about him to start with).

* One really pleasant, platonic date with a nice man.

* A couple of what I thought were nice dates with someone who became not attractive to me on further inspection.


Eh. NEXT! I guess.

[callous taoboy]

25. I've had the same experience, Droopy. I am usually not on

long enough, I guess. I had a good profile that I had a lady friend proof for me, sent out many, many messages and only got one reply from a person who I didn't get a good vibe from after a few e-mail exchanges. It's hit or miss. What's weird is that I'm often told by my female colleagues that they can't believe I'm still single, that I would make a great catch. Dude friends say the same thing to me. I do go to bars but I'm pretty reserved and so the situation just isn't right for me.

As an aside, there was a study that recently came out that concluded that more men are now opting out of marriage out of fear that they'll get involved in a bad marriage. That would be me.

[NJmaverick]

26. My brother did those site, he was having no luck

then he got a book, something like the dummies guide to internet dating. After that, things went much better.

[callous taoboy]

27. Nobody has posted his/ her favorite dating site, yet:

:shrug:

[KG]

30. plentyoffish.com - totally free, and in my area, by far the most popular.

[Chan790]

31. I like OKCupid.

www.OKCupid.com

It seems to take away quite a bit of the nerve/fear/apprehension of being on a dating site by being fun...it's the sort of dating site where you don't have to be looking for dates, you can just be there for the /user-created content/quizzes/questions/blogging.(There are a lot of those on there, but they're clearly labeled as such.) All of those things allow you a good amount of self-expression as well, both for you to sell yourself and for you to have a good idea of who someone who catches your fancy is. (because someone's profile doesn't always really reflect/sell who they are...on any dating site.)

[callous taoboy]

32. Thanks guys, or gals. n/t

[MsTryska]

29. I've had years of not doing well on those sites

always got a lot of offers, started talking to people weeded out crazys, no personality havers , needy ones etc. For the msot i began to feel like soemthing needs to be said for the old-fashioend organic way of meeting people.

And then i met the guy I'm with now. We have our problems, distance being one of them, but our personalities click.

I think it just comes down to a personality click. There's no tried and true emthod - other than meet people meet people and meet people.

Talk to them, get to know them, and decide for yourself if you like them for you - don't sweat the people who don't respond, don't be too pressured for "the win" etc.


To be hoenst - his profile was nothing special - just one very flatteirng pic and no details beyond the basics. But we talked over IM at first and then on the phone over months. He never gave up and he was never high-pressure. I have to admit I didn't take hims eriously until our first phone conversation, and things were so easy and smooth flowing, that I found his personality appealling.

Also - one thing - as a woman - i don't like giving out my number right away to people I meet on the net. I need to know they are mellow first, and feel like I trust them - I mean if it's a land-line they can pinpoint everything about you just from that bit of info.


So don't take it personally if she doesn't give you the phone number right away.

and don't take it personally if people don't respond - there could be any number of reasons for that, and just chill out and be mellow. it's liek the girl wonderign why the guy doen't call. It drives me nuts too, but hey - if he was that into me he'd call, and if he doesn't well...fuck him. NEXT.

good luck!

[RetroLounge]

33. And here I thought the Lounge was a dating site...

:shrug:

RL

[Esra Star]

34. I don't know about "dating websites". It seems fraught.

My own story is:- I was innocently following one of my favourite pastimes, Table Tennis.
I played weekly (and weakly) at my local club and then one day this amazing person became
apparent to me. Long story short, we have been happily married for eight years.
I still have never beaten her at Table Tennis, she is very good.
The lesson here, though, is:- persue your passions out in the real world. You will meet enough
people with your idea of a good time.
It won't happen instantly, but it will happen.

Cheers