A serious question for the lounge.....

[malta blue]

How does one convince a family member to get out of an abusive situation?

First off - this is not about me in any way.

I have an inlaw who is in an abusive relationship. Her husband "pushed" her while she was pregnant and she ended up in the ER. That was about a year ago.

This weekend, he attacked her again. Her father and brother are visiting from out of town, and after they left the home, the husband beat her, bit her, and she said she thinks he would have killed her. There was drinking involved, but I truly believe that drinking unleashes the real person inside, so I don't think that if he quits drinking the violence will stop.

They have a 9 month old baby who slept through the whole incident, and he has an 11 y/o boy who was visiting and had to witness his father getting arrested, etc., and was then picked up by the mother.

The thing is, the brother and father are either unable or unwilling (not sure which) to convince her to leave. She lives in middle America with her husband. All her family is either on the west or east coast. They live with the husband's 80+ grandmother.

I told them that my father and brother would have thrown me and the baby into a car - whether I wanted it or not - and taken me from that place. Instead they are consulting with pastors, etc., trying to find the husband a place to stay when he is released from jail, and to help them work through the problems.

I feel so sad for this woman. :cry: I can't really get involved since it is an inlaw thing, but it makes my blood boil that her husband did this to her.

[NJmaverick]

1. A good start would be to help her learn and understand

send her this link (for example)

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive.htm

get her a good book on the issue. Knowledge is power. If she can learn for herself what is happening and what she can do about it, I would think she would be in a much better position to act or at least be willing to act.

[malta blue]

4. thanks for the link

I think they share a computer right now, so I am fearful of sending her information - but she could probably find information at her local library which is what I suggested.

[PeaceNikki]

2. You can't really "convince" someone. They have to be ready.

But make sure that she knows you're there if she needs anything. Tread carefully, because she may not want to talk about it, or may dismiss it as being far less than it is. It feels embarrassing and shameful to be in that situation.

If she talks to you about leaving, make sure there is a good safety plan in place before she does it. I speak from experience when I say that she may fear significantly more harm to herself and child if she leaves.

Abusive is addictive. It makes you feel like you deserve it and it's very very hard to break free. You and others can tell her to leave until you're blue in the face, but pushing too hard may cause her to talk to you less. Just let her know you're there if she needs ANYTHING.

I give you this advice having been on both sides. I was in an abusive alcoholic marriage for 10 years. I had to move 100 miles away when I finally left him. If and when she leaves, it gets MUCH harder before it gets better. When you're in that position, the thought of that is crippling.

I sincerely hope things work out. :hug:

[malta blue]

3. thank you so much for your input

I may be taking it too lightly by saying just get out then.

I just figured since she has her family there with her now, and he is in jail, it would be the best time to do it. But she apparently seems reluctant to do so at this time. So sad :cry:

[PeaceNikki]

5. It's really easy to say that, but so much harder to do.

Again, she probably knows the reality that it'll be harder before it gets easier and is paralyzed with that fear. And, like I said, be careful about HOW to talk to her about it. I repeat, it FEELS embarrassing and shameful and even though people aren't "judging", it FEELS that way. And she may feel stupid for letting herself get into this mess.

This creep is probably REALLY sorry for what he did and, while apologizing, making her feel like she is partially (if not completely) responsible for his actions. Her ego, self-esteem, and self-worth are at an all time low thanks to his beating it down so she probably feels that way, too. Even if she won't verbalize it and may say the opposite.

I know it's hard and I wish there was some magical thing you could do to help. Abuse is a very hard thing for people to grasp when they haven't been in the situation.

Just BE there for her without judgment. Let her talk about it.

[PeaceNikki]

6. Here's a terrifying statistic:

http://www.acadv.org/friends.html
Over 75 percent of women are killed after they leave an abusive partner.

Yeah... been there, had that fear. This is why it took me 9 years to leave.

[Haole Girl]

7. Well..

I wonder if it would help to possibly take her to the closest women's shelter to see what options she might have (to at least know she has a place to go and programs available)... (?)

Hope she can get away from him soon. Especially since children are involved. :hug:

[rug]

8. Start here:

http://www.4woman.gov/violence/state/StateResourcesDetail.cfm?ID=3780