Need some advice, I guess you could call it relationship advice...

[Solon]

but not really. OK, a couple of days ago, this girl who comes around my work all the time, I work at a gas station, broke up with her abusive boyfriend, and the first thing she does is come up to me and ask me out. Frankly I just said no, the problem is that first, at most, I would be a rebound fuck, second, she's really, really, fucked up, and I don't think I need that type of drama in my life.

But, and yes, there is always a but, I still worry about her, her Ex started slapping her, and I told her it will just escalate from there, I'm not going to claim I'm the reason she broke up with him, hell, everyone at my work, and most of her friends, also told her to break up with him. He's been trying to take over her life, telling her she can't work, not letting her out of his sight for any extended period of time, etc. My advice was for her to drop him like the bad habit he is, and then move on with her life.

I think her big problem is that she doesn't have self-esteem, in the sense that she NEEDS a boyfriend to feel validated. I think this is the reason why she asked me out, she wants me to validate her, and frankly I really don't want to be used as a prop for someone else's self esteem. At the same time, however, I would like to be a good friend to her, and try to make her see that she doesn't need a boyfriend to make herself feel good. Considering my own predilections when it comes to this, my instincts tell me to help her with this, but I don't know if I should involve myself in her life any more than absolutely necessary.

I know a couple of things though, one is I'm not interested in anything other than friendship with her, and second, I really don't want her to start crushing on me because I show her kindness, that will end up hurting her. She's also dirt poor, and I was thinking of seeing if I can help her find a therapist to help her with her issues, but I don't know if she would qualify for public assistance.

Frankly, I don't know what to do, she needs help, but I'm not sure how much I should give her.

[elehhhhna]

1. Do you want a friend, a girlfriend, or a project?

Took me years to be able to tell the diff, btw.

She sounds like a project.

Be a friend, give honest advice, but don't get sucked in, please!

[Solon]

2. I'll try not to get sucked in...

and yes, I can tell the difference myself and it took me years as well, I know I don't want her as a girlfriend, mostly because of my own, uhm, complications that preclude me from ever feeling that way about her. As a friend, well, I would like to be her friend, but without the drama, and I've always given honest advice.

[Whoa_Nelly]

3. Give her a list of numbers for abuse hotlines

and where to get a restraining order,(county clerk is usually the first step), police and sheriff non-emergency numbers, and then add 911 at the end...just in case she doesn't think of that.

Am not being facetious. It would be the kindest thing probably anyone has ever done for her if you do that. :hug:

[flvegan]

4. What are your options as far as helping her?

Meaning, what could you do such that you're wondering how much you should do?

[grasswire]

5. hook her up with a women against domestic violence group...

....of some kind. She needs a network and support group, not a boyfriend. Maybe you know another woman who has been through this and can counsel her.

[old mark]

6. Run very far away.

Give her some phone numbers as stated, and get away from her.
More trouble than you can imagine, and you would not be doing her any favors - she needs some self-esteem and self reliance.
Her old boyfriend might just be coming after you if he can't get to her.

Good luck.

mark

[Zavulon]

7. What the previous post said. RUN.

There is nothing to be gained and lots to lose by involving yourself in this sort of crap. Stifle your good intentions and look at this realistically, or just pretend someone you don't know asked you the same advice about someone you don't know. RUN.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

8. The LAST thing she needs is a boyfriend; the last thing you need is her

Until she learns some self-reliance and self-esteem, she will use you for a while and then run back to her abuser.

You may have "knight rescuing a damsel in distress" feelings for her, but she needs to learn that she CAN survive without a man. Otherwise, her feelings of worthlessness will drive her back to the abuser.

[applegrove]

9. Tell her how you feel. That you don't think she is asking you out for the right reasons. That she

needs to get away from that creep and learn how to stand on her own two feet. Tell her that she needs a therapist. Be a good friend to her and tell her the truth as you see it. But in a nice way.