I've been blindsided and sucker-punched.

[malta blue]

Mr MB came home from a business trip last night, and casually told me he wanted a divorce. Declined to go to counseling. Has decided that it is just going to be that way.

I am numb.

I feel a huge sense of relief, like a yoke has been lifted from my shoulders.

I don't know what to feel.

[RetroLounge]

1. No words...

:hug:

RL

[malta blue]

2. thank you

:hug:

[TZ]

3. wow.

I don't know what to say but...:hug:

[malta blue]

8. thank you

:hug:

[Callalily]

4. Just sending hugs.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[malta blue]

9. thank you

:hug:

[WinkyDink]

5. Oh, man. {{{maltablue}}} Jeez, you might expect a little lead-in time.

[malta blue]

10. a little warning might have been nice.

:cry:

[lost-in-nj]

6. oh MB

I am so sorry....


:hug: know how you feel sweety......


lost

[malta blue]

11. I know

:hug:

[blueraven95]

7. ...

:hug:

[malta blue]

14. thank you

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

12. oh, god.

:hug: isn't sufficient. I wish I had some words of comfort. Or wisdom. I'm thinking of you; will be throughout the days to come.

[malta blue]

15. thanks bertha

:hug:

[mwooldri]

13. All I can send is these virtual hugs...

:hug: :hug: :grouphug:

I wish I could advise or say something that would make things "alright". But I can't and won't try. All I can do is send you my best wishes and hope things turn out "OK" at the very least.

Mark.

[malta blue]

16. hugs are always appreciated

:hug:

thank you

[nadine_mn]

17. So sorry

:hug:

although you mention a sense of relief.. so maybe this is a good thing? I know it will be hard, scary and painful but you have much love and hugs here!

:hug:

[malta blue]

27. thanks

I am relieved because the last few times we had arguments, he used his size to intimidate me. He was NEVER violent towards me but he would block doorways, etc.

[HERVEPA]

31. Good chance it would have led to violence.

Hard to hear, but you're probably lucky.
And I second the advice below. Don't play nice on financial stuff. I did because I wanted it done with. Not a bright move, but still happy it's over.
And do get an immediate handle on current financial stuff.
Good Luck

[BeachBaby]

18. Oh my God.

Hey twin sis....

Wow. Just wow. I don't know what else to say, honey.

PM me if you need anything. :hug:

[malta blue]

28. hi hon

thanks for the support :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

19. Gosh how horrible

I am so sorry malta. Didn't you just move? It is not very considerate of him to tell you out of the blue.
I wish you strength on your coming way. :hug:

[malta blue]

29. we sold my house that I had before we got married

and moved into this one, twice the mortgage, last summer :cry:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

20. hugs and more hugs.

[malta blue]

33. thanks lionness

:hug:

[mnhtnbb]

21. Oh, shit, MB. First thing hugs to you. Second thing--get into the financials. NOW!

If you have joint bank accounts--get in and take half and open a new one in your name. Same thing with
brokerage accounts. Protect yourself financially. Do NOT tell him what you are doing. If he's already
been in there and cleaned them out, find out how to order a credit report on him and locate
where he's put the money. Get yourself a new credit card in your name. Get yourself OFF joint credit cards.

Make an appointment to see a divorce attorney--and get yourself a shark.

I am so sorry.

:hug:

[moriah]

24. Seconded.

I "played nice" during my divorce.

It was a mistake.

[malta blue]

32. finances were kept separate

the only joint asset is the house.

I spoke with my stepdad who is a lawyer and he is getting the best available for me.

Thanks :hug:

[mnhtnbb]

56. Well, that's good to hear! I went through a divorce with hubby #1

in my late 20's and it was an eye-opener to discover the money he'd put away in his own name while
I was paying joint bills with my income. Young and foolish.

Good luck.

[malta blue]

57. thank you

:hug:

[Midlodemocrat]

22. Check your PM.

[malta blue]

36. back from the fire drill

was told by my supervisor that I needed to stop making personal calls :banghead: even though I told her what was going on :nuke:

I really hate people sometimes :rofl:

[LoveMyCali]

142. I'm so sorry MB

and what does your supervisor have to do with people? I don't think you can make it to management here unless you are at least half demon.

I have no words of wisdom but at least I can offer a hug. :hug:

[crim son]

23. Wow. What?

Jeebus. Let me just say that you are going to make it through this and feel good when it's over but it takes time. Until that time, grab onto all the support you can get - that's what loved ones are for. I really feel for you. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[malta blue]

34. thank you crim son

I am blessed to have a great support network of friends and awesome DUers too.

:hug:

[moriah]

25. Hugs to you.....

Divorce is hard, nothing I can say will make it any easier.

But as a divorcee, I can say this.... there is life afterward. (Is divorcee even a word anymore?)

Good luck hon and I will keep you in my thoughts.

[malta blue]

35. thanks

I never thought I would be a "twice-divorced" woman. Does that make me damaged goods? Amusingly enough, I think not. I think I just made bad choices...

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

26. Sending hugs your way...

that's awful... for him to blindside you.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Hey, PM me if you want to.

:hug:

[malta blue]

37. thank you friend

:hug:

I have stopped crying for now :hug:

[raccoon]

30. I'll be thinking about you, malta. :hug:

My guess is he's got someone waiting in the wings.

I second what #21 message said. Get yourself a barracuda lawyer.

[malta blue]

38. I feel sorry for the person waiting in the wings.

Everyone has their flaws. And a man who had never been married before age 35 surely has more than one...I accepted all of them because I loved him. I pity him and the next victim.

[Dr. Strange]

39. Sorry to hear that.

I hope it works out for the best for you, whatever ends up happening.
:hug:

[malta blue]

41. thank you my friend

:hug:

It seems he thinks our relationship is irreparable, so I told him he needed to leave ASAP.

[Aristus]

40. As you can see, malta blue, we're all here for you.

:hug::grouphug:

[malta blue]

42. I am so blessed

to have wonderful DUers by me through the good and the bad

:hug:

[lizziegrace]

43. ...

:hug:

you're in my thoughts

[Lyric]

44. Sending lots of strength and love to you and Little MB.

How are you holding up? I hope you're well-protected financially, and I hope he doesn't decide to be an asshole about who gets what and when. I can't remember if this guy is Little MB's Dad or not, but if he *is*, make sure you don't fall for the "We'll just work custody out between us." line. Get legal custody established ASAP, if it isn't already. If he's not "Dad," then nevermind, and just know that we're thinking of you.

:hug:

[malta blue]

47. all the finances were kept separate

our only asset is the house.

it is my understanding that NYS is an "equitable distribution" state - so since I put all the down payment in the house, the equity should be mine - that is well into a 5 figure sum.

And blessedly we have no children - Little MB's dad is a terrific father and I will have to discuss things with him too, but I am lucky enough not to contend with custody issues.

[LiberalEsto]

45. Get a good lawyer, ASAP

and then, lots of hugs to you. This sucks.

:hug:

[malta blue]

50. working on that as we speak

:hug:

[supernova]

46. I'm so sorry, MB

:hug:

You and your family are in my prayers.

[malta blue]

51. thank you

:hug:

I know we will get through this. It just sucks :(

[Tektonik]

48. The divorce will suck, but

there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep yourself safe, and try to relax and still enjoy life.

My mom's recent divorce sucked because my dad would not agree to any deal my mom tried to make with him on the finances, so it was drawn out and taken into court, but now they're both happier than when they were together.

[malta blue]

52. Thankfully the finances should be simple

so that is one less thing to worry about.

Thank you for your support :hug:

[Tektonik]

49. Also, if you have kids,

please please please do not get them in the middle of the divorce. I was the conduit of information in between the two sides during my parents' divorce, and it SUCKED.

Good luck, MB. :hug:

[malta blue]

53. Little MB is mine - her dad lives a few miles

from us - and I would never do that to her.

Mr MB's parents did that to HIM when he was a kid - probably why he is so nonchalant about it.

[MrsBrady]

54. just remember...

we do the best we can...all of us do.

I was reminded the other day that we only fail unless we fail to get back up.

I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my prince. Hugs to you.

[malta blue]

55. thank you MrsBrady

I always get up - and I am no quitter.

I really do feel this insane sense of relief right now.

[NJmaverick]

58. ...

:hug:

[malta blue]

60. hugs work miracles

:hug:

[lightningandsnow]

59. That sucks.

That's terrible.

I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[malta blue]

63. thank you

:hug:
it really does suck

[Guava Jelly]

61. I'm sorry.

:hug:

[malta blue]

64. thank you friend

:hug:

[Pierre.Suave]

62. Oh my

:hug:z for you.

[malta blue]

66. thanks friend

:hug:

[Pierre.Suave]

69. I dont know what to say

so here is another :hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

65. My dear malta blue...

Omigod, sweetie...

I'm really glad to hear several things: That you'll get a killer lawyer; that Little MB is YOUR daughter; that the financial issues won't be awful...

You are NOT damaged goods! Sometime, down the road aways after this has been taken care of, you might want to consider getting some counseling so that you can find out why you choose mates that aren't so good for you...

But not now, sweetie...

Get him out of your life, and take care of yourself!

You are in my thoughts...

Hang in there; the whole damn Lounge has your back...:hug: :hug:

[malta blue]

67. Peggy

Thank you so much for your kind words of support. :loveya:

I am going between anger, relief and sadness right now. Angry that he is so unwilling to even consider counseling, relief that I know SOMETHING is going to happen and sadness because I effed up again.

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

68. You know, we do the best we can where we are...

Stop blaming yourself!

It's always tough to see a dream die...

But we can continue to dream and work to make them come true...

I am here for you...:hug: :loveya:

[malta blue]

70. thank you

:hug:

[Rhiannon12866]

71. Um, did he give a reason?

Makes no sense to me, my friend. I liked him... Hang in there, and you have no reason to be feeling anything. You're probably in shock. I sure am. I'd give him some time and then discuss it, but I'm hardly one to talk, as you know. I got the first traffic ticket of my life last night, for speeding. The only other time I was stopped, last year, was for going too slow...:-(

Rhiannon:hug:

[malta blue]

77. he feels that I am too

condescending and judgemental, and have too much of a "lassez-faire" attitude. Seems to me that those don't mix very well.

Anyhow, I told him that if he was unwilling to work on our marriage then he had better find a new place to live. He actually expected to sleep in our bed last night after throwing that big matzoh ball out there :wow:

[Rhiannon12866]

84. Well, that makes no sense at all.

Is he serious about this, or just throwing stuff out there? I'd press the counseling aspect. He obviously got married for a reason, so this is the time to step up to the plate. Like I should talk. I'm in trouble, too, my friend. But my point is that he needs to talk to you. I can't imagine that he won't change his mind after thinking about this. I'm here for you, my friend, no matter what. I'm just not sure if I'll actually be here...;(

[malta blue]

94. i tried to press counseling again

and he said that it would be no point.

I spoke with my best friend (who has also known him for 30 years) and she said that it sounds like his mind is made up, and that he is refusing to talk because deep down he knows that he is wrong, but will not admit it.

:shrug:

I consider this an epic fail on his part, and a huge loss for him.

[Rhiannon12866]

98. Well, I agree with your friend.

Of course he's wrong, but I understand about your frustration over counseling. CH, who went with me once, also said that there's "no point" now. *sigh* There is a point, no matter what either of you decides to do. Yes, he has failed. But I think he'd want to talk before making such a big decision in his life. He could use some input, same as you. I'm so sorry, my friend, but the most important thing, just now, is looking at your own feelings and deciding what it is that you want. And then go for it. That's what I'm trying to do, with not a whole lot of success, I admit, but at least I do know what is the outcome I'm hoping for...:-(

Rhi:pals:

[Gormy Cuss]

72. Hugs for now.

:hug:

Have you considered going ahead with counseling just for you? It could help you sort through those feelings during the difficult time ahead.

[Rhiannon12866]

74. That's a very good idea. I second that.

Actually, I can recommend someone. I'm seeing her tomorrow...;(

[malta blue]

78. I have been speaking to someone unofficially

and I know that I should seek it out.

Thank you for the advice. It will not go unheeded.

:hug:

[DarkTirade]

73. Just remember, if you need someplace to just vent, we're here for ya.

It may not be a whole lot, but if we can help we'll try.
:hug:

[malta blue]

79. thanks

I may have been better off if I had married a fork :P

[DarkTirade]

82. Some prefer forking. Some prefer just spooning.

Takes all kinds. :)

[Blue Diadem]

75. Oh MB, I'm sorry

:hug:

[malta blue]

80. many thanks for the hugs

:hug:

[applegrove]

76. I am so sorry. Feeling a little yokeless means you wanted this too. Remember that in the days

to come.

[malta blue]

81. I will remember

:hug:

Thank you very much.

[Redstone]

83. Take whatever time you need to sort your feelings out. Then go from there.

Redstone

[malta blue]

85. thank you redstone

I appreciate your kind words.

[Redstone]

87. I was serious in saying that. It seems like you feel betrayed, as is inevitable, but

also that you feel relieved.

If you can bring the relief to the forefront, and concentrate on that, your life will move in a positive direction much more quickly.

I don't presume to know your entire situation, but I've been in a place similar to yours...

Redstone

[malta blue]

90. thanks

Your words ring true.

[Rhiannon12866]

86. I re-read your OP. Is this something that you want?

Doesn't sound like it. And I can't imagine that he really does, either, just my IMHO...:shrug:

[malta blue]

88. I don't want to be a twice divorced woman Rhiannon,

but I don't want to feel intimidated by him anymore either. So like I said, I am relieved. He feels that I have disrespected his family by voicing my opinion about a rather sensitive issue - and in doing so, I used my own family as an example. His interpretation of this was that I was saying that he/they were wrong and that we/my family were right. It wasn't really that way, but from what he is saying, it seems he has been putting his ducks in a row and just biding his time.

[Rhiannon12866]

97. Jesus. MB, I think you both need to talk...

Was it really just that simple on his part? I can't imagine that it was. He has a really great life and I can't imagine that he'd want to change it so easily. Talk to him, mb. I know that I'm talking through my hat, and am hardly the best one to give advice, but you really do need to talk this out.

I'm in terrible trouble, myself, as I told you. I fell off the wagon over the weekend because CH left, yet again, and he is furious with me and wants me to leave, again. He wants me to leave Jack with him, which is not going to happen. So I'm not the best one to be giving advice, told you that I got the first traffic ticket of my life last night, but I'm here for you, my friend, nonetheless...

Rhiannon:hug:

[malta blue]

99. my attorney has counseled me to not speak to him

directly anymore about the divorce.

Only speak to him as far as getting him out of the house. I will be changing my locks, etc.

He wants a divorce - he'd better get himself a good attorney. I have many, many strings I can pull in the NYS Bar and I have no qualms about cashing in on favors.

I am sorry about your weekend and what is going on in your world :hug: I wish I could help you more, but right now my plate is overflowing and I didn't even serve it up.

:loveya:

[Rhiannon12866]

100. I guess that you'd better listen to your attorney,

But I do think that you need to talk this out. It sounds pretty sudden, to me.:shrug:

And I understand that you have your own issues, just now, but I had to tell you that I'm not in the best shape, myself. CH just called to make sure that everything's alright. *sigh* Nothing's changed, but I'm always hopeful, which I may be projecting on to you...

Rhiannon

[malta blue]

102. *hug* *hug*

You know that I want what is best for you.

And I can be a stubborn bitch - it is part of my charm :P

If he wants this without seeking counseling or trying to resolve it through other means, then he can have it. He is the one who will be losing out in the end - and I truly mean that.

[Rhiannon12866]

105. I agree. Personally, I think he's being stupid... ;)

And I can be a stubborn bitch, too, so I know where you're coming from... He will definitely be the loser if he chooses this. Somebody needs to point this out to him...:hug:

[NewJeffCT]

89. Sorry to hear that

stay well, and good luck to you.

:hug:

[malta blue]

93. thank you

:hug:

[ceile]

91. ah geez....

:hug:

[malta blue]

95. many thanks

:hug:

[lildreamer316]

92. I am thinking about you today, malta.

I am sorry for your pain, but I hope that this opens a wonderful new chapter in your life.
Best of luck with all of it.

[malta blue]

96. thank you for your kind wishes

I hope so too :hug:

[RFKHumphreyObama]

101. My deepest and sincerest thoughts, prayers and best wishes

And hugs of course:hug:

[malta blue]

107. thank you.

:hug:

[flvegan]

103. I'm sorry for your situation

but happy for your relief. I hope you come through this as unscathed as humanly possible.

:hug:

[malta blue]

108. I will get through with the support of my friends, family,

dogs and the great people here at DU

:hug:

[FloridaJudy]

104. Oh Jeez, I'm so sorry.

I've been there, and it's a horrible place. Don't make my mistake and play the "nice, civilized" dumped spouse. You can get away with that in France, but our safety net is less generous. Hire the most cut-throat lawyer you can find. You'll still feel rotten, but at least you won't have to sell your blood to pay for cat food.

Major hug:

[malta blue]

110. having been screwed over on my first divorce

*ugh* I can't believe I am saying that, I learned my lesson and have already made some calls.

[Dogtown]

106. Clean break

I'm sorry you were ambushed, but it sounds like it just needs to be over.

If you've never endured anything like this before, the shock will wear off soon. You'll live with the anger for awhile, but the healing has already started.



:grouphug:

[malta blue]

111. The shock will wear off, you are right, and I am

vacilating between anger and amusement (in some weird way) that he has pinned this all on me. :shrug:

Thank you for your kind words :hug:

[Midlodemocrat]

109. Since no one else has said it, I will. He's a fucking asshole douchebag.

And I hope he rots.

Yeah, I went there.


:loveya:

[malta blue]

113. ah - my beloved Menace to Society

:loveya::loveya:

Thank you so much for your friendship :pals: I really appreciate what you did for me today.

Lawyer says no more talking - he wants it - get the fuck out and go get it.

Folks are behind me 100% - AND I had to tell my puerto rican dad about the "intimacy issues" you and I talked about.... :rofl:
Hey, dad asked if there was anything I wasn't telling him because the excuses from the STBE sounded like such "kakamemi bullshit" to him. Once I told him that part - he said "Fuck him" and told me he was proud that I did not cry.

[BlueIris]

126. Like I posted below, malta blue is going to be MUCH better off after this.

Run away, malta!!!

Also, just in case, you might want to get tested for STDs/other stuff. God knows what else he didn't tell you.

[LanternWaste]

112. Well, you don't know me from Adam, but...

Well, you don't know me from Adam so I struggled a bit with posting this-- as on its surface it may sound a bit trite, but what's the worst that could happen (besides sending you into a feral rage and attacking me with a sharp pen...?).

Some years back, one of my best friends said this to me: "It's better to be miserable because you're alone than it is to be miserable because you're with the wrong person."

I've always thought that it was one of the brightest things to ever come out of his mouth (but that's not tough to do, as he also once said, "It's better to be poor with a lot of grass, than it is to be rich and dry").

:hugs:

[malta blue]

114. thing is, I am never miserable alone

so I have no fear.

Thank you for your wise words - and yes, poor with lots of grass it WAY better than rich and dry.

:hug:

[XemaSab]

115. Very sorry to hear that

:(

[malta blue]

122. thank you

:pals:

[Chovexani]

116. Holy shit

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[malta blue]

125. holy shit is right

:wow:

I am still reeling :hug:

[samuraiguppy]

117. I am really sorry

Men can be such dicks sometimes--I should know.

[malta blue]

124. they really can

:shrug:

[LaydeeBug]

118. you are worth so much more than he could ever give you...

It's hard right now, but you'll see, it'll be better in the long run. You. deserve. to. be. happy.

Now hire a shark. A loathsome, butcher, shark motherfucker, and do NOT look back.

I know it's hard. You WILL get through this and be better off. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[malta blue]

123. thanks laydeebug

and welcome to DU :hi:

[LaydeeBug]

145. Your welcome. and thank you for the warm welcome. nt

[redwitch]

119. I am sorry MB.

If you need a shoulder I am close by. :hug:

[malta blue]

121. thanks friend

I really appreciate that.

:hug:

[BlueIris]

120. Hmmmm. Welp, I think you're going to be better off.

A lot better off.

Anyone who would just come home and announce a plan to abandon his spouse without preamble has some big issues. Issues you don't need to have to deal with anymore.

[malta blue]

127. this is so true.

:pals:

[BlueIris]

128. I recommend this book for getting validation:

http://books.google.com/books?id=zxUP0LwZWV0C

This was sent to me by a very kind DUer when I was getting over an abusive relationship in '05 (the relationship had ended in '03 and I'd already done a round of therapy to deal, if that tells you how bad it was). The book is great for understanding the pathology that underscores a lot of relationship dysfunction. You'll feel better after you read it.

If you want my copy, shoot me a PM later.

[malta blue]

130. thanks - I will try to hunt it down

if not, I will PM you :hug: thanks

[BlueIris]

133. Also, does he display any of these characteristics? (If so, protect yourself and yours.)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathy_Checklist-Revised_(PCL-R)

[malta blue]

135. hard to say....

I feel so weird right now, I can see him in all of them and none of them at the same time - I know, not really making sense.

I will surely read up more.

[Zuiderelle]

129. I'm so sorry. I've been there before.

And I've also been the one on the other side. I'm glad you feel relief, that's a very good sign that this is what had to happen. But I'm very sorry for the pain and confusion you must be also going through.

Here's hoping that what's best for you happens. :hug:

[malta blue]

131. thank you

:hug:

I think I will feel a whole lot better once the shock wears off.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

132. Feel relieved...

It's ok to feel relieved. And feel loved by us.

The bastard doesn't know what he's losing...:hug::hug::hug:

[malta blue]

134. thanks GoG

:hug::hug:

I just want this day to be over.

I haven't eaten - which is okay (I could use to lose a couple), but I am so tired. I got very little sleep last night (duh)

I have "back to school" night at Little MB's school in 45 - then I will rest.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

137. Try to eat something...

You don't want to get hypo-glycemic. It doesn't have to be much...just a little protein. :hug:

Does Little MB know yet?

[malta blue]

138. I just drank some of Little MB's soy drink

At least there is protein there. :hug:

I have not told her anything. She is at her dad's house until 7.

on edit: Little MB is the hardest. I don't think I can forgive him doing this to HER.

[SalmonChantedEvening]

136. Aww malta hun

Feel it all, hard as that may sound.

Know where you are, and if things are in earnest, where you must be.

And above all, know you have an ear and a heart here that will both open and hold fast should you have need of them.

I am you servant Dear Lady, and at your beckoned call should you ask.


Vibes of comfort and friendship in multitudes MB :hug: :loveya:

[malta blue]

139. ...

:cry::cry:

thank you so much :hug:

[Missy Vixen]

140. malta blue, I am so sorry

I don't know you and I don't know the STBE, but I have to say this: I'm proud of you that you didn't cry, too. He's not worth your tears.

Julie

[malta blue]

141. thanks Julie

I have cried today, but he never saw a tear.

[pitohui]

143. sorry to hear it

:hug:

[Shine]

144. Ah, damn. I'm so sorry, honey.

:hug:

Check you PM.

[Lavender Brown]

146. I'm sorry you're going through this...

Good luck and take care of yourself :hug:

[1gobluedem]

147. I've tried all day to come up with something comforting and heartening to say

But right now all I can offer is a :hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

148. I'm not sure what to say. Is this a good thing, then, since you feel relieved? *hugs*

[latebloomer]

149. Excuse me, but

He sounds like a flaming asshole.

How can you "casually" request a divorce, and refuse to try to save the marriage?

Your relief is coming from the wisest part of you. Keep listening to it.

As far as feeling like a failure, please don't. I went thru a lot of bad relationships before I met my wonderful husband. But finding him was not magic- first I needed a lot of therapy in order to recognize my own patterns.

Best of everything to you!