Somebody help me understand something

[Droopy]

My step-sister has been seeing this guy off and on since they were in high-school. I guess about 15 years. He's been abusive from the beginning. He's hit her before- at least once that I know of and I wouldn't doubt more. She recently ended a long-term relationship and almost immediately started seeing this asshole. A mutual friend was hanging out with them not too long ago and he said that at one point the guy yelled at her and called her a dumb bitch.

It would give me great satisfaction to clean this guy's clock, but I'd probably make matters worse. Not only for my step-sister, but for myself as well. Because, unlike my step-sister, this guy would probably call the cops after somebody hit him.

I'm no psychologist, so somebody help me out here. Why does my step-sister insist on seeing an abusive man? Why doesn't she have more respect for herself?

[PeaceNikki]

1. Abusive is addictive.

It makes you feel like you deserve it and it's very very hard to break free. You and others can tell her to leave until you're blue in the face, but pushing too hard may cause her to talk to you less. Just let her know you're there if she needs ANYTHING.

[Droopy]

5. My family gets along alright

And we all help each other out when it is needed. She knows she can come to us. I just hope that she does before she ends up in the hospital. Next time I see her, though, I'll make it clear that we are here for her.

[KitchenWitch]

2. Sometimes one's self esteem gets so beaten down in those situations

that one feels like they don't deserve any better, and thus they keep the cycle going.

I was in an abusive relationship for two years back in my late teens to early twenties. He nearly killed me on two occasions. I felt like I deserved it, and I also thought I could change him. I couldn't.

[Droopy]

7. Thanks for the insight

I'm glad that you have broken free from the cycle. :hug:

[KitchenWitch]

9. Me too.

it is a truly terrible place to be.

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

3. Questions:

Did she grow up in an abusive family? How did your parents discipline her? Were either of your parents verbally abusive or physically abusive when she was growing up? All these things can play in.

I hope you don't mind me saying this. I'm going to say it anyway. The last sentence you wrote sounds a little judgmental. I know you mean well and love your sister... please don't ever tell her, thinking it might help, that she doesn't respect herself enough. Hope things turn around for her-- and soon. :hug:

[PeaceNikki]

4. Parental relationships can also have nothing to do with it.

I was raised by incredibly wonderful, loving, kind parents and was in a 10 year abusive marriage.

[Haole Girl]

6. Parental relationships certainly can play in...

they don't always. But I've known several women who come from abusive homes who feel like that's all they know & all they will ever know.

That being said, I'm certainly no Psychologist! :

[Droopy]

8. Her folks went through a divorce, but they were never mean to her

My step-father is a kind man and her mother spoiled her with gifts while she was growing up. I'd like to think that there is some incident that I could point to and say, "There it is. That's why she does this stuff," but there isn't one as far as I know.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

10. It's territory she's familiar with

It's hard to break old habits, whether it's being the abuser or the abused.

She needs counseling. If the opportunity presents itself, it'd be good for you to suggest that.
I'm sorry. I know how difficult it is to watch someone you love put up with that kind of abuse. :hug: