How do you deal with a recent ex who keeps insisting that the door hasn't been closed?

[SacredCow]

We split up a week ago, over an issue that was out of my control. The 3rd person who was with us was my partners prior partner, but they remained very close- like brothers, as it was told to me. My partner also felt responsible for this guy, as he's in poor health and on disability. Bottom line- they guy is an asshole with serious, serious anger management problems. Yells at everything and everybody. If the person targeted by his ire happens to be ethnic, he unreservedly brings out the racist comments.

I dealt with it by the arm's distance approach. I was courteous to him, but not close. I helped him when he asked, but did not go out of my way. I held my tongue about his rampant drug use, which was excused by him and my ex that he needed it to cope and enhance his appetite (but I assure you he passed the medicinal phase long, long ago). Out of the blue, after the hurricane this jerk decides to start calling friends and viciously bad-mouthing me and another friend of mine- saying we were having an affair and some such. I found out and was livid. Rather than confront him myself (which was a mistake, but at the time, and even still I know it would have come to blows), I told my partner that I'd like for him to let him know that I was not going to tolerate that kind of thing.

My partner did nothing. He completely and utterly refused to let this ass be accountable for anything. So since he made it obvious that he was still in a relationship with this guy, I hit the road.

We both (but separately) went to see the couples counselor that we'd been seeing for yet another issue (some of you know what that is). In the past, I had glossed over the roomie's behavior with the counselor, but I did not hold my tongue anymore. She was appalled, but not surprised (she knew something was up about the roommate). She did not blame me for moving out, but said to not shut the door on my partner just yet- to give him a chance to make things right because things were looking so promising before this debacle (and indeed, they were).

BUT...... I know he won't kick the guy out of his life (though he should, as he is most often the recipient of his rage). I doubt that he will address his problems in any real way. So what is left? He has dreams of us having a "part time relationship" that he can be with me, so long as asshole doesn't have other ideas. But really, I don't believe that my ex would pull me from beneath the wheels of a bus if it meant crossing this guy in any small way.

Soooooooo.... How do you (nicely- I do want to remain friends) tell someone to fuck off- that I don't want or need his baggage anymore?

[lizziegrace]

1. I don't know if you can remain friends

a partner shouldn't throw you under the bus and a friend shouldn't either. I think you'd be accepting much less than you deserve if your ex-partner stays in your life in any capacity. It seems like you'd be setting yourself up for disappointment over and over...

:hug:

[SacredCow]

2. Well, I don't necessarily mean a close friend....

more of a civil acquaintence, really. In other words, we can see each other at functions, say hello and how are you doing, then move along.

[lizziegrace]

3. That's seems possible

I have no idea how I'd say it though. I'm not good with confrontations or standing up for myself most of the time.

:hug:

[SacredCow]

4. Neither is my ex....

which is basically why we're at this junction.

:cry:

[SacredCow]

5. I guess no takers on this.....

I am SO over relationships.... It's down to NSA sex when needed, and making myself happy for a change...

[Chan790]

6. Tell him that you will not associate with this man...

While not being an asshole, a bigot or disabled...this is the situation with my best friend and his girlfriend. She does not like me, does not want me around and badmouths me constantly. I, more or less by default, don't like her right back.

We make it work...he knows I will not spend time with her, he knows she will not spend time with me, everybody knows that he's going to have to walk the tightrope until he chooses.

To answer the posed question...the answer is the same, except that you remain not dating.

[SacredCow]

7. He knows that I won't associate with him anymore....

There are limited ways you can interpret "He's abso-fucking-lutely DEAD to me."

[LeftyMom]

8. You tell him with your actions.

His own invertebrate behavior with his ex means he's unlikely to see evidence of spine based on words alone, so the only way you're going to effectively communicate that you want no part of this ongoing disaster is to stay clear of it as much as possible.

[SacredCow]

12. I've been trying....

but I've yet to find the switch to turn off my feelings for him, so it has been hard to be cold and uncaring.

[LeftyMom]

14. It'll take a while.

He won't get the message in a week. Just keep being strong, and standing up for your own interests, because nobody else in this situation will.

[davsand]

9. Sometimes you just can't stay pals.

Maybe other people can, but I was never able to stay pals with an ex that I thought had "wronged" me. Your partner choosing somebody over you would count in my book as being "wronged" and I just don't think I'd be able or even willing to spend any time around anybody that did that to me. If it was me, I'd be thinking, "I'm gonna find me a real man, a true man, a man to love me for sure..." (If you get that reference you are older than I think you are, BTW.)

Anyhow, if it was me in your place, I think I'd tell your ex that I just couldn't feel the same way about him after he made the call to choose somebody else over me. I'd also tell him that for my own sake I just needed to stay away from him for a while until I had my head squared away. I'd say, "Give me space--a lot of it!"

As for remaining friends, there is nothing that says you have to hide behind a potted palm every time you run into him in public, but I sure as heck would refuse too much contact with the guy for a while until I did have my head on straight about how I felt on the subject.


Sorry, I am probably no help.



Laura

[SacredCow]

11. I hear you.....

And staying away for a while would be the best approach.

But.... (and isn't there always a but) We are both committed to a long-term project with an organization of which we are both members. So I will have to see him a LOT up until January 17th. I can't drop out. He probably could, but he told me that he relished the project because "it was an opportunity to see and talk to you."

Your reference doesn't ring any bells- I'm 37, BTW!

[davsand]

17. That quote is from the Divine Miss M!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqQOQrYuxV8

You are just a puppy!


:)


Laura

[Venceremos]

10. Completely ignore him

no communication whatsoever. Don't even bother telling him to fuck off, just act like he doesn't even exist. But I suspect that after a few months of acting like he doesn't exist, he's gonna try very hard to get back together.

[SacredCow]

13. Well, see a couple of replies above....

it's just going to be almost impossible to handle it that way. I pretty much have to see and interact with him, unitl January at a minimum.

[Venceremos]

15. I was in a similar situation

before, that's why I said ignore him. I dated this great guy -- the first year was the best relationship I'd ever had. Then his ex started coming around. She was a psycho but he did nothing about her. He said it was because he felt responsible for her. It was so similar to your story I got a chill down my spine reading your post. I put up with it for almost a year before I split up with him.

He was a salesman for the company I worked at, so I had to cross paths with him a couple times a week. But whenever I saw him I'd walk right past him as if he wasn't there. I also ignored his phone calls so he started writing me letters. I ignored those, too. I still had feelings for him so it was extremely difficult to ignore him.

Then after a couple months of ignoring him, one day when I got off of work and he was sitting on the hood of my car. He said he wouldn't move until I heard him out. He promised that he'd gotten rid of his ex, and said if I'd give him one more chance he'd prove it.

I gave him that last chance and he proved it. And once she was completely out of our lives, our relationship got better and better. We've been married 20 years now.

A couple years after we got married he admitted that if I had not ignored him like that, then he probably never would have gotten rid of her.

[SacredCow]

16. Wow... Good story!

And good on you for having the strength to keep it up.

:hug: