That's right, boys and girls, I'm going to talk about the internet, a topic you might be hearing more about in the weeks and months to come. I hear it's going to be big.
Ahem. Anyway, there are many types of subculture on the vast virtual world we inhabit, some of them normal and healthy, some of them kind of weird, some of them downright bizarre, and some of them too creepy for words.
There are some basic rules to internet subculture:
1.) No matter how screwed up your interests/beliefs/perverse sexual fetishes are, there's always somebody who is one notch crazier than you are. This is like the Golden Rule of the Internet. No matter how horrible you think you are, there's somebody in Germany who scoffs at you as 'tame,' and a businessman in Japan who laughs at the German guy as 'wimpy.'
2.) You're not alone. No matter how weird your niche is, there is somebody else who occupies it. Freaks tend to congregate in groups on the internet, for better or worse. If some day, our system of laws is overthrown by armies of authors of Star Trek slash fan fiction, we will have only ourselves to blame.
3.) The internet is like a huge city. Some neighborhoods are nice and clean, others you can't step one foot in without being shot, stabbed, beaten, and inundated with spam e-mails from Nigeria.
4.) There is, somewhere in this wide world, a seriously overweight man in his late 50's sitting at his computer naked right now, covered in beard and remnants of food. I just thought you should know that.
SO, we all know and love our internet subcultures...freepers and DUer's count, but even they have their segments in the population. On DU, you have irritating obnoxious assholes like me, you have the truthers, socialists, centrists, activists. On Free Republic, you have the smart one. Other groups on the internet include furries, gaming fanboys (fucking obnoxious), keyboard warriors (FUCKING OBNOXIOUS), people who find 'vore' palatable (GOOD GOD NO), and people who thought 'Snakes On a Plane' sounded like a fuckin' hilarious idea months before the damn movie even came out.
And then you have the bottom of the barrel, the lowest rung on the social ladder, the geeks that even the nerds won't touch with a ten foot pole:
Sonic the hedgehog fanboys.
What? You say. Who? You ask. Are you brain damaged?? You chortle.
Laugh while you still can. Sonic the hedgehog is the source of the most ridiculous amount of obsessive slash fanfiction, pointless speculation, and incredibly creepy artwork I have ever seen.
I remember Sonic as a fun game on the Sega Genesis with some awesome music. I remember Tails as being an insult to foxes everywhere. I do NOT remember Sonic and Tails engaging in acts unspeakable behind the scenes. I do not remember Sonic gazing at Knuckles with lustful eyes, wondering what those knuckles could do in bed.
I won't link you to the awful stuff that is out there, but I will provide you with this:
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/flash-tub/ultimate-sonic-fan.phpIt's a parody, but it's pretty much accurate. Every fucking bit of it.
To those of you who obsess over Sonic I have this to say: guys, I'm just about the biggest nerd there is, but YOU scare me. This is too far. He's just a blue hedgehog who was once voiced by Steve Urkel. He's not the reincarnation of a blue sex god of some kind.
Sigh.
So yeah. I can't think of anything lower on the 'this is just sad' social ladder than the Sonic groupies. I hope that one day they find inner peace, and stay far far the hell away from me while they're searching for it.
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