argh. still struggling with crazy kid.

[mopinko]

don't know which is worse, the bipolar kid or the "professionals" that are supposed to be helping. because she is 16, 16 ferchrissakes, they are treating her like an adult. she was seeing a psychologist for a long time, and kept getting sicker and sicker. because she told him not to tell us, he didn't. so we are sitting here saying, well, if she really needed more help, he would tell us, right, i mean, she's a kid, he would have to, right? geezus.
she loves her shrink (not the guy above), who is not on this planet. but he doesn't talk to us, so she likes him.
i am trying to find someone else.
she won't go to school. ($6k down the drain) we are getting the shit together to get her placed in a therapeutic school, but both of these jokers "understand her desire to be a normal kid, and go to the local school" yeah, right. and these are our experts in dealing with the bureaucracy.
now she is sleeping most of the day, and up all night. she was just gone this morning. came home at 10 o'clock, looking blitzed, and with a fishy story. tried to get a drug test on her the other day. her m.d. says, we don't do that on someone that age without consent. if you want to make an appointment, i will talk to her about a voluntary program of random testing.
and i don't even want to talk about the couples counselor who is "helping us deal with the strain"
ya know, you think that when you have this kind of shit happen, that there are professionals out there that can help you. i always thought it was just my pessimistic nature telling me that they were full of bs, looking for their own answers to their own problems. well, they have all had years and years of school and analysis, and they are still looking. this is called "help"???
and i thought my midlife crisis would revolve around grey hair and potbellies. aaaaarrrrrrggghhhh. rant rant rant.

[peacebuzzard]

1. I lived a nightmare similar this past summer,

and I understand your frustration and emotional and financial catastrophe. Please take care of yourself first tho. That is what I heard during the crisis I had with my sister who is disabled (mentally a 5 to 7 yr old and on anti psychotic meds, which went out of control, and thus a full blown out psychotic episode set in--it was hell)
Anyways, friend, take care, my health went to hell and I am on high blood pressure meds now, and a few other things because I didn't take care of myself.
I can't believe they are treating her as a fully competent adult, that is absurd! I don't have kids so I don't know about that part, just the responsibility of a disabled adult. I know. I don't have much of a life either. Sorry. I sympathize. :crazy:

[mopinko]

3. thanks tryin to take care of myself, but

i am addicted to du instead. seriously, my health was already in trouble, and i am trying to take care of it. but that is a whole nuther can of worms there.
i was just looking at an art studio yesterday. i have to be accepted, and don't know if i will be. but it will be a chance to remove myself, no matter what. don't know if i can do it. but the $300/mo will be a good nudge.

[peacebuzzard]

16. Just treat yourself and

take the time. I don't do it enough but am learning.! I hope you can control it because the financial devastation of a mental illness can actually happen without you really noticing. I ran up all my credit cards during the crisis and now I have to refinance my home again. Sigh. At least I have the equity. There is no substitute for a peaceful mind.

[Name removed]

2. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[madrchsod]

4. been there, done that,

put up with some really bad doctors. racked up more than 6000 in doctor bills because the office didn`t send them in on time. in and out of different places,some good some bad. so after 25 years of constant struggle he decided he`d had enough and soon he`ll have the next step up on his emt license. sometimes there is just nothing anyone can do but wait and hope. hopefully things will work out...

[Demobrat]

5. I can understand your frustration with the therapist

who doesn't tell you what's going on with your daughter, but that's his job. His role is to provide a safe place where she can say ANYTHING she wants and know that it will stay in that room. He's obviously done that, she trusts and loves him, and I hope you'll let her stay in that relationship as long as she wants.

[mopinko]

8. there's gotta be a limit.

she is a kid. we are responsible for her care. she was suicidal. she was self mutilating. he doesn't have to tell us everything, but he does have to tell us she needs to be getting more help.

[DK666]

10. Ah yes .... Ive heard that line before.

The therapist needs to reevaluate his relationship with the client if it is a co-dependant relationship or symbiotic he needs to recuse himself and recomend another therapist.

[Demobrat]

18. Yes, by all means

cut off contact with the only adult she trusts. That will help.

On edit: When I was in therapy, I seem to recall it was about helping ME, not my parents or anybody else. I guess those days are over. Oh, well, I guess I was lucky.

[mopinko]

19. not about us

but you can't help a kid and cut out the parents. and how does sitting around and watching her sink into madness help?

[DK666]

23. Is that what I said ?

Read it again.

[DK666]

6. I remember

Going down this slope myself and the psyce just fed off the preceived problems and made me think I was really screwed up. He was wrong but I only figured it out after the court mandated counseling was over. I wasn't the one who did anything but I was singled out as the cause and punished for it.

[SoCalDem]

7. If you are in California, brace yourself

All the efforts that you have put into trying to help her, will mean NOTHING, if she gets into a "law enforcement" jam..

You need to keep trying to find a therapist who will help you and HER.. It will only get worse.. Our therapist was very open with us about our son..(no details, but he did keep us informed on how he was doing).. We also had family counseling, because his actions were affecting the other two boys..

Don't give up.. :hug:

[mopinko]

11. nope, in illinois

got a line on some good help, so my fingers are crossed.

[DK666]

14. The land of "Send our Kids to Prison for life because we cant execute them

EOM

[soup]

9. and with all this going on

you took the time to respond to my son's stolen car thread?!

This one's for you... :hug:

[mopinko]

12. just hiding from reality.

[DK666]

15. Psssssst.....

Quick in here......

:)

[Sticky]

13. It will pass

...you have to believe it! I went through hell too and nobody could make it better. I had serious doubts about the so-called care and advice my foster daughter was getting, it was all one-sided and only gave her more power and control. The "experts" could not see how they were contributing to the problem by giving her more tools with which to manipulate me.

I read a book called, "Yes, Your Teenager is Crazy" and it helped a lot.....made me see that I was not to blame.

Dealing with her substance abuse, skipping school, sexual acting out and many other behaviours seemed to dominate my days but eventually things did get better.

I know this sounds impossible but you've got to remove yourself from the pain she is inflicting. It's not personal. She is on a different path than the one you would choose for her and has special lessons to learn.

Take care and have faith! :hug:

[mopinko]

17. one good thing that did happen

had a social worker on at the psych hospital tell us- she was crazy when the sperm hit the egg. you are doing everything you can to help her. it is not your fault.
boy, did we need to hear that. i have been thinking about getting a tatoo for a while, maybe this should be it.

[Susang]

20. I know you are under a lot of stress right now

And I'm sure you are probably joking, but the social worker telling you she was crazy when the sperm hit the egg was unethical and wrong.

Certainly it is not your fault she is sick and you are obviously doing everything you can to make her better, but mental illness isn't as cut and dried as a simple biological throw-away explaination by someone whose training does not include the complex and the ever expanding fields of neuro-psychology and biochemistry. Using words like "crazy" to describe a mentally ill person can only exacerbate the problem.

The thing that makes me the "craziest" about mental illness is that we treat it as a defect of character and not the disease that it is, mainly because we can't fully understand it. Often, this makes the treatment almost as bad as the illness for the person afflicted.

[mopinko]

21. actually, we are having more trouble with the opposite

"we treat it as a defect of character and not the disease that it is"
i cannot imagine this kid being treated for, say, diabetes, without expecting her parents to be an important part in her care and treatment.

[Susang]

25. I was using the universal "we"

I did not mean to imply that you were treating her illness as such.

Even minors do have legal privacy rights when it comes to medical treatments after they reach a certain age. It usually varies from state to state, but it tends to be around 15 or 16. This was a cause for discussion when the mandatory parental consent laws for underaged girls seeking abortions were being passed.

[mopinko]

28. the thing is

she is clearly not competent, no matter how old she is. we have no intention of allowing this kid to be emancipated at 18.

[mopinko]

27. also, crazy

i know a lot of people object to this word. but for me it seems like a perfect fit. sick does not really convey what we are all going through. and mentally ill doesn't seem to fit her either. she is really dazzlingly bright, and gifted in so many ways. but everything about her is just out of control. she is exploding with energy, good and bad. to say that she is ill just congers up an image of motionlessness, and something lacking. she has too much. even on the depressive side, the power of it is just something that does not go with the word ill. she calls herself that, too. not to deprecate herself, but just to explain how things are. it just fits. sorry if it offends. we all have the right to define ourselves.

[Susang]

30. You're right

We do have the right to define ourselves. The problem is, you are not describing yourself, you are talking about her.

I hope you'll forgive me, but this is an ultra-sensitive topic for me. I suffered through serious depression as a teenager through early adulthood and I read some things in your post that really reminded me of my past situation (long past btw, I'm now 38). I also called myself crazy, but I wanted to be anything but, and to hear anyone else call me crazy would have cut me to the bone. Especially if it was a social worker who told my parents I was conceived that way.

Again, I apologize if I am sounding judgemental or harsh, you just happened to hit a rather raw nerve. The mental heath care experience is never a fun one, and experiencing it as a teenager is particularly dangerous. I was pretty lucky, I only have a few residual scars.

[mopinko]

31. well, she's very much a part of me.

it fits her, and it fits our family now. and no doubt she would like to be anything but. but she's not. it's the reality that we are all adjusting to. finding words is part of that. maybe we will find different words for it one day. but right now it is who we all are.
i do understand where you are coming from. got a feeling there are no pain free words for all this, tho.

[IconoclastIlene]

22. You are in my thoughts; my son just reached puberty and

has shot right through the roof, emotionally!!!! and this is only the beginning of whatever it is!!!!

[mopinko]

24. the hardest thing was

deciding whether she was over the line, or just a particulaly bad teenager.
got another one who just turned 13. thought he would be terrible. he was always a handful. but so far he is still a good kid. he has a truly huge heart. i think he will be okay. or maybe he just knows there is no more room for insanity.
also have an 18 year old who is starting to come out on the other side. had his troubles, too.

[IconoclastIlene]

26. I hear ya

he can basically have a good heart; donate money to homeless animals and such is wonderful; some of the other stuff is just plain unacceptable, hitting, fighting, lying.....its a heartbreaker

[mopinko]

29. yup

i can't wait to get on the other side of this stuff. maybe then i can see people cooing over a new baby and resist going up to them, saying "just wait, they'll be teenagers soon, you'll be sorry"

[adriennel]

32. wow, you just described me at age 16

I have so many reactions to your post I don't know where to begin...

First, it is very difficult to find a good doctor/therapist. There are a lot of bad ones out there (and lots of good ones) plus it is very important to find a doctor that you can communicate with and one you can get along with personality-wise.

Your daughter's doctor is required to notify you (or the authorities) if she is suicidal, a danger to herself, or others. I am sorry to say that any further information should remain between your daughter and her therapist. (Why? read on....)

When I was a teenager I thought I had a good therapist until she told my mom everything I had told her (non-emergency issues). Needless to say I refused to see said therapist anymore, my mom was furious with me, and I had no one to talk to. It took me years to trust another therapist. If the doctor is to gain your daughter's trust, she must feel safe enough to discuss anything without fear of repurcussion.
Over time, I have given my doctor permission to share information with certain members of my family. But ultimately I know that whatever I tell him will remain between us (again, this does not apply to an "emergency" situation such as suicide.)

Both my parents and I are happy the teenage years are over : ) Unfortunately I did not completely grow out of my problems and have been in and out of therapy over the last 10 years. It is not an exact science, that's for sure! My family has been very supportive of me. I don't act out like I did when I was 16, but I have returned to suicidal thoughts on occasion. My family and my (wonderful) doctor have seen me through these times. My family and I know understand my illness a lot better than when I was a teenager and bouncing off the walls.

Your daughter will feel better...please don't give up on finding a good doctor and supporting her in her therapy (even without knowing specifics).I hope ultimately your daughter grows out of her problems, but if she truly suffers from mental illness this may not be the case and she will need your support throughout her lifetime.

Best of luck to you all.

[mopinko]

33. i do not want to know about

every little thing she says, believe me. but she is seriously mentally ill. that is a different matter all together. we are very much there to help her. we are angry that we are being treated like the enemy because a sick child is ranting and raving about us. they are not only treating a 16 year old like an adult, they are treating a quite incompetent, sick child like an adult.

[adriennel]

34. well,

she may need to rant and rave about you (I don't mean this in a personal way at all--I just mean for teens, parents/adults can be the number one irritant at times).

I am glad you are getting her help and tracking her progress. I hope that you can find a doctor that you respect and she gets along with. It may not be the first, second, or third doctor she sees. Try, try again is my only advice (it worked for me).

You're all in a tough situation and I feel for you.

[mopinko]

37. i don't take the ranting personally

well, i try anyway. but they do. when she says we are making her crazy, they appear to believe it. and for this you get a phd. grrrrr.

[Demobrat]

38. Really sucks that the kid has somebody on her side, huh?

Much easier if he just threw her against a wall and straightened her ass out.

[mopinko]

39. WE ARE on her side.

really sucks that we are trying to help her, and being undermined. after all, they are with her for 45 min a week, and we are there the rest of the time. and they are supposed to understand the roots of her ranting and not take it out on us.
this is not a zero sum situation. hurting us, and cutting us out DOES NOT help her. it deprives her of help that she could be getting. we are not the problem. her brain chemistry is the problem. they really CANNOT fix her without us. and all of this actually goes double if we ARE the problem.

[Kali]

35. just curious

Is she on medication? You didn't mention it and its not the magic bullet one would wish, but my understanding is that M-D can be helped, though it can take a while and there are other problems etc...

[mopinko]

36. oh, yeah

lots of meds. scripts handed to child. no discussion with us. even abusable drugs like zanax, atavan, over our objections. drugs that one doc tried and abandoned, tried again cuz the kid said they helped. (they are not helping again, but weeks down the drain) only good thing is that she has stopped cutting herself. this was greatly exasperated by the first meds, but it has stopped now.
no, definitely not a magic bullet.