teenagers! my sweet, good baby was caught skipping school.

[mopinko]

it has been quite the battle to get her out of bed and off to school. she doesn't sleep well, and gets up stressed and feeling pukey. turns out that she has been just riding the el around, not going to school.
she has always been a good kid, and trustworthy. so we did buy the song and dance she was giving us for a while. but the house of cards collapsed on thursday and she is now grounded at least until after our monday meeting with the teachers, et al. she had big plans for halloween, and for today. a big larp, i guess. she has been doing lots of housework to try to get off the hook. i am having a really hard time not caving.
after an hour of sitting and sobbing on the stairs she came up to sob in her room. she is keeping it in earshot. poor kid. but this is for real. she had a lot of trouble last year, as a freshman. she ended up in summer school. but she got it done. now we are going down that road again.
oh, wait. we aren't going down that road. we are nipping that shit in the bud right now.
sob on, sweetie. we can take our punishment. we gotta.


but jeeeeeezzzz.

[crim son]

1. That's really very hard but the punishment has to hurt a bit

or it's not worth doing. :hug:

[mopinko]

17. yeah, she wasn't all that bothered by the housework.

we clean on saturdays anyway. she had more than her usual share, but she cranked it out without breaking a sweat. just couldn't let that be all that happened. didn't want to make her sob, but sure was/am determined to make her think.

[Rabrrrrrr]

2. Yes, indeedy - nip that shit in the bud right now.

She'll appreciate it later.

Caving in might make you feel good for a moment, but it's hurtful in the long term.

Good for you for sticking to your guns!!

Being a parent is a hell of a difficult job when taken seriously.

[TZ]

3. geezus

You have had more than your share of trouble with your children...I remember growing up being the one good teenager while both my sisters made my mother's life hell. I think you are doing the right thing sticking to your guns.:hug:

[mopinko]

8. i was that kid. and so was she, for the most part.

one reason i am making myself be the hard ass here is that she has been a great kid. her nickname is perfect. i am really upset that she abused our trust. some kids you expect to lie. but not this one.
i think she will be fine. high school sucks. i understand that, so, i am not that mad.
you know, i guess i just let them be themselves so much when they were little that they just expected it to always be like that. but adolescence is like that.
the ones who are coming out the other side are so great, tho, that it is a little easier to tolerate a little acting out by the perfect baby. so much can be mended when they are grown ups.
i know she will be ok, is just want to eat my couch or something right now is all.

[EFerrari]

4. Why was she skipping?

Don't tell my mom but I used to kiss my grandma goodbye and then sneak back into the basement, and up into the attic with a book. No one ever caught on.

I still don't know why I did that. After the onset of puberty and before the middle school stuff. Looking back, I think I just didn't want to deal with all the drama going on all around me. If I could have had a tutor in a quiet space, that would have been great. I was rotten at filtering out people's stuff.

[mopinko]

7. i think it is equal parts actually not feeling good, and

the boyfriend. i like the kid. i wish he wasn't so much older than her. (she is 15, he is 18) but, he is a good kid who hangs around the house a lot. he is a little nerdy, and she does not know how perfect, awesome, and beautiful she is. she is amazingly mature, and emotionally intelligent, and always has been. smart as hell, also. no boy her own age has what it takes to spend an hour in the same room with her. argh.
but i also think that she really isn't feeling well. this is my kid with crohn's disease. it has been quiet for quite a while, but part of her problem is anemia. it is causing her sleep trouble, making her twitch and flop in her sleep. we have an appointment with the sleep doc, but that is the beginning of december. her blood count is coming back up, but i still don't think she is sleeping.
i could talk all day about sleep and teenagers. maybe after barack fixes everything else i will make it a project to get them to start the high schools later. it is a double whammy for the smart kids like her, who get into the selective enrollment high schools. this mostly results in a long commute (hers is over an hour) on top of the high schools starting earlier than the grade schools. at a time when their body clocks are going the other way. this is what killed both her brothers high school careers. her younger brother just passed the ged, after one semester of high school, and a couple of months of irregularly attended ged classes. he just couldn't get up. i think that is a big reason why so many kids drop out. boys especially.
as far as the tutor thing, she wants to go to school online. that was how they did her summer school. they were almost mad at her that she got through the course work by the end of the first week. but she is so social. she has done some summer gifted kid stuff, and has just been the star. and sucked it up. slurped it up. ate it with a spoon.
i'll just be glad when she is in college. high school sucks. really sucks.

[EFerrari]

9. One of my teachers noticed that high school was not a good fit for me

and casually let me know that the next semester, I'd be old enough to enroll in our local JC.

I couldn't sit in one of those rooms one more day so, I was really grateful to her.

[mopinko]

11. her brother will be better off in college.

i feel so sorry for the kid. he is just not a school kid. but he is so bright. it always pissed me off that the teachers always said that he was so good in class, such an asset to the group, so obviously smart, but he just didn't do the written work, and hated the classroom. well hell. he was either learning what they were teaching, or already knew it. but the rules said he was a failure. they threatened him with f's practically every day of his life. grrrrrrr.
i wish that i thought that my life and my health would last a lot longer than i expect they will. i would spend more of it teaching my kids, and protecting them from the bullshit that is school.

[trof]

12. A one hour commute. Damn.

That would put me off right there.
Good luck, bud.

[mopinko]

20. it sucks. she has to ride the train downtown.

it can be bruising. this was the school that she really wanted to go to. our local high school is a snake pit. and due to a mistake on her transcripts (possibly malicious) she ended up without choices.

[noamnety]

22. Why not just put her in college now?

http://www.simons-rock.edu/about

My old school - I dropped out of high school at 15, got my BA at 19.

Other alumni: Eli Pariser of MoveOn and the Coen Brothers. :)

[mopinko]

23. that really gives me something to think about.

you know, here in chicago they have established math and science magnets (they don't call them that any more, but that is what they are.) in all 5 regions. however, there is not one fine arts high school. there is a private one, beaucoup bucks, and just as far to travel. the most hoity toity school has a good fine arts program, and so do several said magnets. but you have to have the same level of test scores and grades to get into the arts program. even though they know full well that the most gifted of these kids do not fit into the school, they still have to meet that bar. crazy.
there is an online system in illinois. it was set up by imsa. her summer school consisted of making up the classes she flunked online, but she had to travel downtown, and sit in their room to do it. sigh. but i think that she is sort of angling to do school online. it would be hard for me, but i have a hard time arguing against this idea.
in illinois, there is a deliberate barrier to sending these kids to college. it is not impenetrable, but it is a hassle. the gifted schools do send kids to ap classes at the local universities. unfortunately, they look at grades and all that shit. they should look at a kid like this and realize that it is more about fit than it is about achievement in their environment. and that skipping school and flunking classes can mean that THEY should do something different.
oh for the perfect world.
thanks for the idea, tho. i will definitely look at this.

[noamnety]

24. If you are open to online classes

check out whether Illinois Virtual High School requires sitting in a classroom. I'm not sure if that's what she was doing for summer school, or whether that's something different. I think that's run through eCollege (they offer high school programs in addition to college content). http://www.ivhs.org/index.learn?bhcp=1

K12 is another option. http://www.k12.com/curriculum_and_products/high_school_curriculum/

The other thing that I don't know if I should mention or not ... if she has an 18 year old boyfriend, I'd be somewhat suspicious of the story that she spent her days riding the el. When I was 15, if I'd been skipping school I'm pretty sure I would have spent it hanging out with the boyfriend, not riding a train in circles. You can take that for what it's worth - maybe it's more a statement about me than about your daughter. :)

Back to Simon's Rock, if she went someplace like that, it would put her away from home which may or may not be acceptable to you at this age. She would be able to schedule her classes for the afternoons, though, which might be a better schedule for her than regular high school days. And she'd always be within easy walking distance of her dorm room, the dorms, dining hall and classes are clustered together.

Your post makes me happy to be working where I am - a public fine arts high school where we don't have requirements for high grades, the kids just need to say "I'd rather be at this school than my neighborhood traditional school." It's validating for me to read that there is a real need for this sort of place. Unfortunately, we're not in the Chicago area, so that doesn't help you out at all.

[mopinko]

27. i'm sure she is visiting the boyfriend.

although his family lives pretty near us, he is in a dorm on the other side of downtown. i think he is level headed enough, as well as afraid of his parents enough, not to blow his own schooling.

and the online this you cite is what she was doing. i am semi-open. i have been trying for the last 10 years, after 15 as uber mom, to reclaim my career. between the continuing demands of my weirdo children, health problems, and the crimes of george bush, that plan has not gone too well. so, i get a little green in the gills thinking about taking on the responsibility. some sort of hybrid would be the best for me. not sure what would be the best for her at this moment.

your school sounds great. tell your kids i said they are incredibly lucky.

[noamnety]

29. I know that K12 has two basic programs

One is the public school option run by some states or districts, and the other is private schooling, where I don't think your state needs to sponsor it. I think the private option is entirely home-based, and if I recall correctly, parents can log into the system and check that their students are signing in daily, doing their assignments, check on grades, all of that.

It's a problem if you want your daughter to be supervised during the day and you're having to leave her home to do that while you are at work. But on the other hand, if she's riding around the el all day, it's not like she's being supervised anyway. The cost though, while it's not high in general compared to private schools, can be prohibitive for some people.

My favorite students at our school are often the homeschooled ones - we tend to get ones who are homeschooled because of progressive ideals, not so much because of fundie creationism leanings. Those students are consistently creative thinkers, they manage to mesh school learning with other things in their lives instead of thinking in 40 minute subject blocks, and they are active outside of school. They also have a lot of trouble with authority, they are easily frustrated when a class is being dumbed down below their level, they love to play devil's advocate during debates and sometimes the other students get annoyed with them. Sometimes they drop out of school for a while, and then return. This is of course a matter of concern for parents and administrators ... we classify these kids as "failures." But secretly I think these are the ones who are most likely to change the world. I wish it wasn't like this, but I do think public schools spend a lot of time teaching students to conform rather than to make waves.

[mopinko]

30. i agree with everything you said about homeschoolers.

not sure if i mentioned that i did that for 8 years. ironically, this is the kid that HAD to go to school. she just has such people skills, and natural leadership. she loves being in the herd. and she was quite a student in elementary school. i think a lot of the things you mention have to do with having lefty parents. and with the kids you decide to homeschool. one of the factors in our decision was that the oldest kid was absolutely intolerant of tyranny of any sort. a great trait in a grown up, but troublesome in a 6 year old in a bureaucracy.

i am not so much worried about supervising her as i am worried about making sure that she is putting in the time on school, and going back to finding social/enrichment activities for her. i am an artist, and my studio is only 5 minutes away. i can come and go as i please, she has a cell phone. i do not have the kind of predictable schedule that she could scheme about "while mom is gone".
it has just been a nightmare for me to be trying to get a career off the ground, already behind because i quit art school to be a mom. and their demands (i have 5 kids, one grown and gone.) have just continued to a degree that i never imagined when i sent them all off to school. it seems like it is still a daily battle to get out the door, and to not have nothing but kid trouble on my mind when i get to the studio. i almost never remember to take things with me on the first try. i usually just flee the house.

[old mark]

25. Look, I hated every minute of high school. I only stayed because I was pretty much forced to.

I would look into any alternative that your child feels more comfortable with, and I would persue it.
Your child is more important than any school - give her a chance to be happy and learn in an environment that feels right to her.

mark

[crispini]

26. Sleeping problems...

I remember vividly when I was a teenager I was a terrible insomniac. I had such a hard time getting to sleep and of course that made me not able to get up in the morning.

The thing that saved me was learning about good sleep hygiene (no music, lights out, drink some tea, etc) AND I got a book on self-hypnosis and relaxing exercises. It was great. I finally managed to go to sleep when I went to bed instead of just lying there with my head in a twirl thinking about everything that was going on in my life.

Just my two cents... HTH.

[mopinko]

33. yeah, she needs the motivation to take care of herself.

in a lot of departments, actually, but especially sleep. it is hard on teens. they need so much sleep. and the turning of their body clocks toward being night owls is just plain biological fact. but the world wants to impose their puritan work ethic on them, and kablam. how many kids commit suicide because of this? not zero, that is for sure.

[Mutley]

5. Something is going on

There's got to be a reason she doesn't want to go to school. Find out what. But don't let her off the hook.

[pitohui]

15. "not sleeping well and feeling pukey?" hello?

has she seen a doctor? is she pregnant? suffering from anxiety disorder? diabetes? what -- you must know that all teens have stress but, nonetheless, it is a bad sign when a young teen girl is pukey in the morning

i'd check her health first and worry about "punishment" later

[mopinko]

18. no, i did start right there.

and, sort of unfortunately, she is on birth control. not for that reason, but she was having the kind of periods that were interfering with her life, and making her anemic. my big worry in that department is that she might be having flares with her crohn's disease and not telling me. she hates the gi, and she refuses to take the meds. she was on immune suppressants for a while, because nothing else was working. i have the sneaking suspicion that those things knock it out for a lot longer than they tell you. or that they know. she hasn't had a flare since.
we are waiting to see the sleep doc, and hoping that she can help. she has had one thing and another interfere with her sleep throughout her little life. it can really mess you up.

[Mutley]

19. She's not doing well in a class. She's being bullied by someone.

It could be anything. Hello?

[grasswire]

6. not sleeping well....

....have you had a medical doctor check this out? Is she taking an i-pod to bed at night? Reading? Or perhaps she's eating sugar too late at night and getting a blood sugar swing? I would make sure there's nothing physically amiss.

[mopinko]

10. she had a sleep study over the summer.

i replied up thread that she has some sleep troubles, and we are waiting to get in to see the sleep doc. she is flopping around in her sleep. she has been anemic, which is a big part of it, but that is better. she is still having trouble, tho.
but she also has not been that motivated to have good sleep hygiene. i was so glad when att finally put some parental controls on their cell phones. part of her trouble last year was that a troubled boy that she knows was latched on to her, and she was talking to him in the middle of the night. one of the bonuses of the current boyfriend is that she has let go of this little creep.
she has a 504 plan (an iep for sick kids. she has chron's). unfortunately, her hearing is before we get to see the sleep doc. we may be able to get some modifications for her, tho, like some online classes.
kids and sleep. such a big issue. wish i had time to make that a project.

[DS1]

13. school is overrated, and I went to one of the best ones in the country

My greatest punishment was coming home to find my mother sobbing in the dark when she'd got my grades. I'm a smart guy, and should have done better at school, but none of it interested me whatsoever. All the good stuff was being taught in the advanced classes, I could hear it through the walls, but couldn't be bothered to excel up to that level (in my mind, kiss their asses) in order to get there. Besides, I'd already heard it. Homework was a joke. I'd throw away assignments in a river on the way home. My time was better spent intercepting report cards.

Skipping school? Shit. Your daughter has nothing on me. Skipping school was profitable, because I'd come back with at least 1,000 dollars worth of merchandise during a "long lunch". Yeah, my grades suffered, and here I am typing away on DU with a lot of other people who did go to school and still choose to type here.

School bored the ever living shit out of me, which is why I never got involved. It was a chore to go there.

Find a way to make your kid's schooling not a chore, and you might be on to something.

[mopinko]

16. i completely agree.

i homeschooled for 8 years, following the unschooling model. believed they would learn just as much from a walk in the woods as any kids stuck in a factory school. i wish i could still do it. i just had to break out and take a stab at my own life. it breaks my heart to be stuck in the middle, pushing them to succeed in a system that is, well, mostly crap.
i believe we really succeeded, tho. my plan was not so much to teach a curriculum as it was to nourish and grow their little brains. and they are all uber smart. and unfit to sit in a chair all day. sigh. you so often win and lose at the same time when you are raising kids.

[Quakerfriend]

31. My dear Mopinko,

How true it is: 'You so often win and lose at the same time when you are raising kids.'

Take heart, she will get thru this.

In my own family, there were six of us kids. My extremely gifted older sister constantly cut school, ran around town on her motorcycle, refused to go to college despite a free ticket, married a drug addict against everyone's best advice, and ....well, you get the picture.

Today, at the age of 53 she is 3rd in command at the largest international corp. in the world, and a virtual who's who in the business world.

She did it her way. And, she is very happy!

Funny thing is-

She sometimes runs into some who knew her from her high school days and she gets a real laugh
when their eyeballs nearly pop out when they realize just what a success she has become!!

I hope this story lifts your heart,dear. You are an awesome mother!
:hug:

[mopinko]

34. thank you.

i know it is funny how they turn out sometimes. i have the pleasure of seeing the older kids turn out fine in spite of adolescent bull.
these smarties can be traumatic. you feel like everything should be a breeze for them because there is so much emphasis on "intelligence." but they are only talking about one or two kinds of intelligence. and so often a kid that is real gifted in the conventional sense has such gaps in some of the others. especially in knowing just how gifted they are.
sigh. this too shall pass. not sure who it is harder on.

[Habibi]

21. Yeah. I skipped pretty much the last two years of high school.

School bored the ever-lovin' shit outta me.

Got caught finally, to much parental wailing and gnashing of teeth. Went to all my instructors and worked out "plans" for making up class work, god bless 'em all. Managed to graduate with honors, which annoyed my parents to no end. And no pregnancies or drug use or a life condemned to fast-food jobs.

(That all came later. :D Just kidding!)

Anyway, I hope you and she work it all out.

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

14. Stay strong!

:) You are donig the right thing and she will appreciate it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,someday :)

[hedgehog]

28. It's worthwhile to get her checked out to make sure she isn't suffering from depression.

It's the first thing that comes to my mind when a teenager starts acting out or otherwise shows a sudden behavior shift.

[mopinko]

32. she was seeing a therapist, and we may send her back.

i think she is suffering from some depression, but i really think this is most sleep deprivation. she was seeing someone for a while, but then it got to be summer, and she could get as much sleep as she needed. she was happy, which she usually is. she was also falling in love with her boyfriend. so the therapist kinda cut her loose.

[carlyhippy]

35. someone may be picking on her in school, I would check that out

if she is just ditching school because she doesn't feel like going, to go do something fun or trying to be cool, then it needs to come to a screeching halt.

Stay strong.....as George Constanza's father would say on "Seinfeld", SERENITY NOW SERENITY NOW!

It will get better

[mopinko]

37. SERENITY NOW!

ah, i have a new mantra!

i think that someone picking on her is something that she would tell me. we really do have a good relationship. we talk about a lot. she whines about things that bother her, and she has never even hinted at something like that.
we shall see what the teachers have to say tomorrow.

[seemunkee]

36. Tough years

Don't know how we made it through our daughter's high school year but she is in college and thankfully those times are behind us. She also had sleep problems. Her sleep study showed she was not getting any REM sleep and only 1-3 hours of any sleep at night. She would go 3-4 days and crash, try to catch up on school work and start the cycle again. Took a long time to find some meds that helped her. Be careful of Lunesta and Ambien, they can cause major hallucinations. Good luck.