shit, things are very seriously not ok

[harmonicon]

This fucking sucks. Man, I thought this was coming, but that certainly doesn't mean that I can deal with it any better.

So, last night, I pretty much think I got dumped. This is after nearly 4 years together... fuck... worse than just that, I actually did think this one was forever and that we'd always find a way to work through our differences. I guess I was wrong. Supposedly I'm nice on the phone but a total dick in person, and that combined with the fact that she and I live 8 time zones away from each other now and have to go months on end without seeing each other did it. I can't fucking believe this. We broke up once before for all of about a month, and it was the worst month in my life. If we hadn't worked things out, I think I might have died... though I started seeing a therapist then, and that helped a little. I seriously need some kind of help like that now, but I don't know where to go. The university health center doesn't have anything on their webpage about mental health, and I can't find any hospitals locally. I think I need to though, because I seriously can't deal with this - I don't even know what my life is now, since it's all be based around being in this relationship above all else.

The hours seem like days. I can't think straight at all. Fuck.

So, I guess I'm just here for company. I can't imagine that anyone is going to electronically send me some sanity cure.

And the dog. She has the dog. I can never see the dog again? I love that dog like it were a child. What am I supposed to do now? Now am I not allowed to link to pictures from her flickr account? Fuck... Do I have to delete that bookmark? What the hell do I do?

How can I fix this? I want to talk her into trying some sort of couple's counseling or something - I'd do anything to fix this. Anyone done that and had it work?

[Mutley]

1. I'm sorry, man.

I have no advice. I can only say I've been there, fairly recently, and I know what you're feeling. It does suck.

:hug:

[harmonicon]

5. anything that helped you cope or move on?

I've got the drinking move nailed, but apart from that, I'm at a loss. I guess I would take shit loads of drugs if I knew where to get them, but I don't think these are real solutions, as come monday, I'll actually have to be at least a bit like a functioning member of society. I don't know how I can do that though. The way that it feels like time is passing now, monday now feels further away than Christmas did just a week ago. How the hell did this happen? How did we go from discussing plans for Christmas to this?

[Mutley]

11. Just to try and fill your days with stuff to keep you busy.

Try not to sit around and dwell on it. But at the same time, let yourself feel the pain. Don't try to repress it, or to convince yourself you're okay if you're not. Cry if you need to cry. Yell if you need to yell. Absolutely find someone to talk to, be it a therapist or a friend or whatever.

For me, time went on, and it got a little better all the time. There were plenty of bad days. There were plenty of times I succumbed to the urge to just get trashed. But that almost always made it worse. Always, always look for something to be happy about, even if it only lasts a second.

You're always welcome to PM me if you need someone to talk to. :hug:

[lightningandsnow]

2. I don't really know what to say, either.

Which must be really annoying, but I did want you to know that I read this and am thinking of you. Hope things get better.

:hug:

[harmonicon]

3. thanks

I wish I had real hugs. I am just so incredibly alone here... god, this sucks.

[Inchworm]

8. You ain't so alone

We're here.

:hug:

[Inchworm]

4. I have no words to help

but.. not to sound like a cliche.. I feel ya.

Love is love.

I hope whatever happens is best for you both. :cry:

:hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

6. Here's what I have for you:

Last night, my Ex called me. We lived together for 6 years, until I broke up with him in 2005. Yesterday, his GF broke up with him. 2 in a row.

He's also my best friend. What I suggested, and he agreed about, was to focus on your responsibilities right now, and make sure you maintain those for the long-term. In his case, it's school. What will happen will happen, but you have to keep your core intact.

:)

Good luck :hug:

[harmonicon]

9. I know - it seems really hard though

I have to get work done on my PhD. I know that that's important. I also have several important concerts coming up, and I have to do those. It's just very hard to figure out what is important and how important it might be. For years now, everything in life that I've done has been so much less important than my relationship with this woman who I love more than anything on earth. I've organized so much around this.... some things, I don't even know where to put them in terms of being part of a relationship or being part of "my" life. I just have no idea.

for instance: I was going to go spend a few weeks with her in California after Christmas. When I was there, I was going to do a concert in LA. Now what do I do? I don't know. I mean, I have no fucking idea.... and that's a big picture thing. Right now I'm having a hard enough time with things like eating, sleeping, getting out of bed, etc.

[RetroLounge]

10. Very good advice

Do the next right thing...

:hug:

RL

[bicentennial_baby]

15. Most def

:hug:

:loveya:

[Breeze54]

7. I'm sorry that happened. Maybe it's

for the best seeing as how you live 8 time zones away from each other.

That never works in any relationship or hardly ever. Time to find someone else.

Aren't there any pubs there? Do you have new friends in the UK?

I know it hurts now but I hope things get better for you. :hug:

Try to hang in there. Call some friends and go out and get your mind off it.

[harmonicon]

14. I wish it were that easy

8 time zones now, maybe zero in the future. Our lives are strange like that, and it won't be this way forever - or it hasn't been. It was pretty hard when she moved to France a few years ago, but we worked through it - it became a lot easier when I moved to England, and we were pretty close. Now that we're even further away, I just thought that it could work out some how. I guess I was wrong. I just wish there was some way to fix this.

[crispini]

12. Being so far apart is hard on a relationship.

You need to find a lifeline out of your despair and only you know what that is.

What is an activity that brings you joy? Reading? Running? Movies? Music? Cooking? Anything that you can be wholly absorbed in for five minutes, on your own.

Your life should not be based around one person 100% of the time. Even couples who are long married have some of their own identity. You have to remember what makes you, YOU, and then go do it for a little while. Then go do it some more.

[Quantess]

39. Excellent advice. For everyone.

A little time apart is great.
However, living on opposite sides of the globe may be too much independence.

[jobycom]

13. We're here for you, buddy. Just talk to us.

If it's that real for you, maybe you should close those time zones and move to where she is? Would that help?

[harmonicon]

17. I would move if I could

I'm afraid that it might be too late for that though. I don't know if she'll ever even talk to me again - or talk to me about working things out between us. I asked if we could please discuss this more before she made a decision, and she just said "I don't know - I have to go". Moving would seriously fuck me, but I'd do it - the problem is that with the economy the way it is now, I don't think that I could just go get a job, even a poor paying one. I'm qualified for almost nothing, though I am working on a doctorate right now. Giving this job up would seriously suck - I'm paid via a grant for a fixed amount of time, so - even though it's "school", in a way - I can't come back to it if I left. Money has always been incredibly tight with us, and especially me, but that hasn't really been the case so much in the past 6 months now that I've got some money saved. i.e., I can actually afford to travel, it's just that I need to get the time off, and I can get time off for at least a few weeks a few times a year. I guess that's not enough. :( *sigh*

[jobycom]

19. I'm in that over-educated for the marketplace situation, too.

So I can relate to that. Without the doctorate, you can't put your education to use earning money.

That does suck. Then again, if she's the one, maybe a drastic change would make her see the situation differently. Just a thought. I got nothin' when it comes to romance.

Just keep talking to friends, maybe that will help. Another thing that always helps me is to plan forward. Figure out what you want to do the next couple of days, and start focusing on doing that. Keep your mind looking forward at things you enjoy. Sometimes a good plan is the best thing to keep your mind moving forward. That's how I got over a recent pet loss, anyway. Your problem is probably harder. :(

How you feeling other than that? Do you have friends in England to hang out with? Are you planning on staying there, or is it just for school? One thing I always hated in grad school was the feeling of temporariness, like nothing I did was going to matter.

Anyway, that's all my advice. After that, I can just commiserate? What are you studying, anyway?

[harmonicon]

23. I'm studying music

We both do - specifically, new music and experimental music. It's an incredibly small world. I would offer to move and be with her in a heart beat. Knowing that I was going to get to leave this place and see her every few months is what has made this bearable. I do have a few friends here, but even the very good ones are people that I've known for barely a year. I don't think they're the kind of people that I can call at 4am crying like an idiot. Talking to friends is really hard in this situation. I think that I probably have, at most, 5 friends that aren't mutual friends of ours. If I call them, I'm afraid that I'll either 1. find out something I don't want to know (like she's been cheating on me or something), 2. seem to be trying to make people pick sides - it sucks. Also, all of those people are back in California.

The feeling of temporariness totally sucks. I met this girl when I was finishing my master's degree. Since then, I don't even know how many times I've moved. It's been completely crazy. We've only lived in the same city for maybe a total of a year or 18 months since we've been in this relationship. One of the good things about being here in England is that I've got a contract for 3 years, whether I finish the PhD or not. It will be the longest that I've lived in one place since I graduated college in 2001. I don't know about staying here afterwards.... I guess I would move back to the US, unless something comes up here. I was really thinking that, finally, after this is over, she and I could live together again and things could really start working for us. I guess I was wrong.

[jobycom]

26. Probably best to not call anyone mutual now.

Get a handle on what you want to know and what you can handle now before you call anyone who knows her.

Life is long, maybe she's in a phase she has to live through, too. Maybe things will be different in a year or two. Who knows, maybe she'll decide you are what she wants. Don't burn any bridges unless you want them burned. Sounds like she's keeping things from you if this was that big a surprise. Hate to be blunt, but I usually am :) , but if she did cheat on you or saw someone else, maybe she's confused and guilty, or ashamed, and maybe that's making it crazier for her. Any way it goes, maybe she needs some time. I don't know, I'm just trying to give you something to feel positive about. I'm sure you know all that.

What do you do with music? Are you a performer or theorist or researcher or what? I'm really curious, because my teenage daughter is thinking of majoring in music. It's about the only thing she takes seriously, but she's too self-conscious and insecure to believe she could perform. Plus, she's got no real instrument background. Just voice. I was a history major, so I've got nothing to advise her on. Do you do anything outside of academia, or are you on a professor track, or do careers in music include teaching and performing?

I gotta say, I'd love to live in England for a year. I know things aren't the way you want them, but that's a hell of an experience to have. I hope you can enjoy it, even with the rest of the crap. In ten years, this will be resolved and will just be a chapter of your past, even if the future includes her. Then, the memory of living abroad and traveling may mean a lot to you. I wish I'd traveled more. I still hope to, but I wish my life had included a lot more travel until now. Enjoy that, at least.

[harmonicon]

29. I know I probably shouldn't call anyone mutual

.... the one time before when she and I split up, I was constantly on the phone with our friends. I don't know if it helped or not. It certainly was good to talk to people, but some of those people aren't my friends anymore, in part because of what happened during that time. However, it was through talking to a good friend of ours that I was able to come to some of the conclusions about how to fix things. I'm afraid that I didn't learn my lesson though, and just screwed up in the same way as before. It was hard then, but that was 2 years ago almost... it's a very distant memory in some ways, but fresh in others, since it was the last time that I lived in the US. Since that point, life has been moving at an incredibly rapid pace, at least for me - I don't even know if I've had time to process all of what happened and why those years ago.... I guess I should, but now I can't really remember what those things were. I feel like an idiot. I think what made me able to get through that was a confidence that things would work out. The first time I saw her after that was the single happiest moment of my entire life.

As for the music, I'm sort of a combination of all of those things you mentioned. My degrees are in composition, but I also perform, and both the composing and performing involve a lot of theoretical and practical research. I'm sort of an academic by default. I never intended to be one, but this is where life has taken me. What I research isn't really widely accepted in academia, which is why I'm in England. No schools in the US seemed like a good fit for me. I think this is just about the only place where I could be doing the work that I'm doing now and getting paid for it. In a sense I've really lucked out landing this position, but I don't know if it's worth it if it means that what is truly important to me in life goes away. All of my obscure knowledge about the field and pride that I get when my work gets performed won't keep me warm at night or be there for me during tragic times.

As for your daughter, if she really loves music, I think she should go for it. When I was that age I was studying to be an orchestral musician, but while in college I changed focus. I don't think I really had a clear idea about what exactly I was doing until I finished my master's degree. Like most people with various majors, she probably won't stick to it once in school, or find a career in another field outside of music. That's just what I've seen from my experience. I've also seen some people go on to do great things in music, no matter where they started from. She shouldn't be worried about what she does or doesn't know or what abilities she has. That's what a university education is there to provide. People who get degrees in economics or political science - or history - probably don't have mountains of knowledge about those subjects when they're 18. Loving the subject matter and putting in the hard work to learn the material is what counts.

Traveling.... I love traveling, or at least I used to. Right now, I'd just love to be in California with my (ex?) girlfriend and dog. I think I could be there for years and be happy as a clam if I wasn't freaking out about being able to pay rent and bills. That's what moving to England has afforded me, more than traveling. I've also just traveled so much over the past 2 years that I'm quite sick of it. Some times it's exciting, but comfort and stability aren't things to thumb your nose at.

[jobycom]

32. Comfort and stability are definitely not things to thumb your nose at.

I'm sure you've thought of this, but if you're having to change to make her happy, then maybe there are better matches out there for you in the long run. Not something you have to think on now, but it's possible one of these days you'll look back on this as the best thing that happened to you. Yeah, like you want to deal with that now. Sorry. :) But it could turn out that way. Even if you wind up back with her, maybe this is a step that has to happen.

My daughter never sticks to anything, that's her big problem. She dropped piano when she was younger because she didn't like the teacher, so she's got a lot in her head and no skill to let it out. I think, really, though, that she's best at hearing others than doing it herself. She's taking a History of Rock class at her high school, and the teacher, who is also her choir director, calls on her in class about rock history, or to analyze a song or band or movement. She may get better at performing if she tries, but she's kind of like me--she likes to research and learn more than do. Fatal flaw for both of us. :) We should both be writers, I think.

You said something you might feel different about in a couple of years. You said your performances and music won't keep you warm at night, but you might be surprised. I've been in a relationship where we had to constantly fight to keep it together. I honestly think if I'd have spent more of that time working on myself instead of the relationship, I'd be more of what I wanted to be. I love my life, don't get me wrong, but what wakes me in the middle of the night isn't being along--I kind of like being alone--but it's that I haven't written my novel, I didn't get my PhD, I haven't done what I know I could do. Probably everyone regrets what they don't do even if they like what they do, but I think that making me more of what I wanted to be might have made some of my other problems not happen. Don't want to get into a review of my life--it's been a good one so far, and will continue to be. Just saying. Don't sell the work short. Basing your identity on someone else is always risky, because people are constantly changing. Basing it on what you do, and what you are, is more satisfying in the long run. I'm not saying you have to base it on music or that you shouldn't pursue yor relationships...

Eeek, I'm still trying to give advice on something I know nothing about. I married my high school girlfriend, regretted it for the last ten years, then finally left her to live alone. That's my experience. So don't listen to anything I say! :rofl:

[harmonicon]

37. well, it sounds like you've made some good choices for yourself

There are things that I've had to leave behind for what I do now, and it's not always easy. I was in a band for years with a friend of mine, but sort of had to give it up to do this. It wasn't really an easy decision. I just love music.... sometimes I think that life would be better if I'd stayed on with being in a band and making albums and touring, etc. It was certainly nice (though admittedly very rare) to get fan mail. Being in a field with only a few dozen other people all over the world is creepy.

About your relationship ending..... well, that kind of sucks, but I guess you made the right choice for you. One of my few good friends from my home town had a similar thing - the marriage didn't work out, but of course he doesn't regret having kids and loves them dearly. I would like to have kids some day, but I don't really want to be a combination father/abject failure, so that's (especially now) on hold for eternity. Sounds like what I got out of, but years before you did. I had a girlfriend who I knew in highschool, but didn't start dating until my 20's. I loved her a lot, and she was really pushing to get married and settle down, and I couldn't handle that, so I bolted.

shit, man, thanks for being a pal. Still sucks though - a lot.

[pitohui]

16. that's terrible, i don't know what to say

i don't see how you can do couples counseling when you don't even live in the same state, i'm sure someone would take your money to do it but how effective would it be really?

what i believe you should do is no longer contact this person, not even about the cute little dog, don't link to her pictures, don't go to her website, don't talk on the phone -- make a clean cut -- yes even delete the bookmark too since you ask

however it's easier to say than to do

try to get thru the weekend and if you still feel this bad, then on monday it seems like you should be able to phone around and get a recommend for a counselor? you must know how to be strong without this person, since you are able to go months for a time without seeing her, tap into that strength and don't doubt yourself that you will find a higher purpose

good luck and :hug:

[harmonicon]

18. the counseling idea would be for when we are in the same place

She even said that things are fine when we're apart. It's the actually living with each other part that can be hard, but presumably that's the whole point.

There isn't any way what so ever that I could cut all ties with her. When you work in a field that includes between maybe a few hundred to a few thousand people across the world, your paths cross many times in many different ways. I can not contact her, but maybe I should? Maybe I should try? I don't know.

[pitohui]

22. i think you should concentrate on your school frankly

i have read more in the thread and, honestly, i think you should concentrate on your doctorate and making a success of your life in the u.k.

i would not contact this person, i would make other plans for xmas, even if they were small plans, i would try to move forward and not move back

i don't think a relationship where you do best living in separate countries has a great future and she is being kind to tell you well before xmas rather than having you spend a lot of money and time on the holidays all so you can get together and make yourself miserable

i don't know what it's like for men, but the woman who gives up her chance at an education to pine after a man always always ALWAYS regrets it, always put your education first and if your significant other doesn't understand, well, they are obviously not the right person for you

[harmonicon]

24. no, I think she does understand

In a tangible way, I've always put my education first, but I don't know how to do that emotionally. In the first week that she and I started dating, we had this exact conversation, because my last relationship had ended badly for these kind of reasons. We talked and agreed that if and when we moved for school, it had nothing to do with how we felt about the relationship, and that we'd try to work through it.

[fishwax]

20. I'm sorry, harmonicon

that sucks. Wish I had something more useful to say. :(

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

21. If she'll go to counseling with you, it's worth a try

Hope it works out, somehow. :hug:

[harmonicon]

25. I hope I get a chance to try

What should I do? Should I call her? Should I email? I just don't know. I just looked at the calendar, and there are a few days in the next two weeks where I could leave and it wouldn't totally screw anything up. I would just like to think that as much as I may have completely fucked things up, that all of the shit that she and I have been through together, and all that we love one another, we could work things out. We've had problems before, and I guess I just can't fix it all myself. I really think that with a counselor, we could fix these problems instead of getting in fights. But maybe I'll just never have a chance to find out :(

[pitohui]

56. please my friend don't call, don't email, and put away the booze

the last thing that is going to help is drunk dialing followed up by a drunk flight to where-the-heck-ever

give it time, distance, and silence

that's my vote

let her make the first move and if she doesn't keep moving forward

seriously!

[blueraven95]

27. I have no advice

just hugs.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[harmonicon]

30. thanks

I wish they were real - I could sure use hugs and a shoulder to cry on about right now. :hug:

[blueraven95]

34. yeah, it sucks that the world of the internet

really doesn't have the same physical presence, no matter how much we try to make it.

I'd give you a real hug if I could, but virtual ones will have to do. :hug:

[liberaltrucker]

28. Been there, had it happen

Burn a doob, down some Jack and let it go.

[harmonicon]

31. no doobs here....

I would be burning it if I had one though. The Jack I downed last night landed me on the floor in front of a toilet. I've switched to wine for today.... most constant numbing drinking, though maybe it's time to move to something stronger.

[Name removed]

33. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Lil Missy]

35. What does TTU mean?

[Quantess]

36. How does one live 8 time zones away from their girlfriend? LOL.

Long distance relationships are hard. Obviously I don't know you and I don't know if there is hope for the two of you staying together, so I won't comment on that.

But I can tell you that loving yourself and being a friend to yourself is the most important. Being strong, knowing you can make it on your own, will save your mental health. It might just save your relationship, too.

[harmonicon]

38. California/England

It is a damn long way. Over the past four years, the locations of the two of us have been: California/California, California/Michigan, back to both in California, California/France, Michigan/France, all over the western world/France, England/France, and now England/California. Life's a bitch.

Thanks for your words of encouragement. That's a basis that I think the gf and I have tried to go on for the past several years, though I may have dropped the ball along the way. Of course I like what I do, but part of it was having her be proud of me, and having her family accept me as a worthwhile human being. Maybe this was something that just would have happened anyway - I don't want to think that I made a mistake though.... I guess I'll never know.

[Quantess]

42. I'm actually jealous that you travel so much.

Here I am, stuck with a boyfriend who lives in the boring suburbs. We live more than 100 miles apart, and I thought that was far.
When we met, I had already given up on the idea of ever finding love again. I had a fiancee who passed away, and before that, some lame guys, and a few nice boyfriends who weren't right for me. My love life, overall, had been a mixed bag.

The carpet had been ripped from under me when my fiancee died, and I changed my priorities. Kind of like The Phoenix story, I rose from the ashes. I appreciated that I was alive and that I could hang in there, and even if I just ended up being single for the rest of my life, I still had myself.

[harmonicon]

46. you're very brave

I'm so sorry for your loss, but glad that you've found some happiness.

This past year has been incredibly hard, despite the good things that have happened. Two of my best friends died. One of them was a sort of mentor to my girlfriend. She and her husband were incredibly dear to the both of us. They were great friends and role models, especially as their lives nearly mirrored our own in some way. They knew that too and were very supportive. The husband, who I loved and respected without measure, died in 2005 of a sudden heart attack. His wife died earlier this year - she just couldn't get over the loss and eventually drank herself to death.

Our other friend that died was hit by a train. I don't know if it was suicide. I don't blame anyone, but I think being in mental hospitals wasn't good for him. It makes me frightened to go to them myself.

It just makes the world so much more lonely and cold. I wish I had your strength. Maybe I'll find it. I certainly don't want to die, but sometimes it seems easier - I don't like it, but I feel like I can understand what my poor friends were going through.

[Quantess]

41. Deaths are stressful. They tend to be bad for relationships.

My first major relationship soured when his dad died of a heart attack. We tried. I was supportive of my boyfriend facing the untimely death of his dad, but when he started self-medicating, it was over. That was years ago.

My dad died just 4 months ago, and my boyfriend was a champion of supportiveness for me, in the event of his death.
"I wish I had your strength" --Thanks. I hope things go well for you.

[harmonicon]

47. I'm sorry about your dad

Thankfully, my parents are both still alive, though my dad has given us some scares over the past few years. I hadn't seen my parents in over a year before this summer, and it was really kind of scary to see them in some ways for the first time as elderly people. My gf's dad is approaching 80 now, and it's very hard dealing with the fright that his health problems cause. I've always been dreading getting a call about something horrible happening with him, but hoping I'd have the resolve to be helpful. It sounds like you have quite a catch, even if he is 100 miles away. I hope things go well for me too.

[1]

40. is this the first time you've broken up with someone? (not counting that on month thing wih her)...

is it?

[harmonicon]

44. no

I've had a number of break ups of varying degrees of difficulty in the past, but nothing quite like this.

There was one that proceeded my relationship with this woman very directly. A woman I'd been with for 3 years was constantly asking about marriage and wanting to know where I wanted to live and where she should apply for jobs, etc., and I just realized that I was in no position to deal with that. I just wanted more from life personally before I was ready to commit to such a thing. I also didn't think that she was really respecting what was important to me. Anyway, that one was very difficult.

However, it lead to me being involved with ____ , since I knew she was interested, and I had a chance at a very different life than I'd been living for many years. I still feel like a tool about it some times, but I think I made the right decision. Maybe time and age have a lot to do with this. The current woman is 5 years younger than me. I'll be 30 next month and am starting to feel like a real adult for the first time in my life. I had a serious falling out with my parents this year, which I hope is leading to me having a better relationship with them. It's also made me consider what I want out of life in the long term. Maybe this woman and I have just come to different conclusions about that that.... I don't know. I knew that it wasn't going to be immediate, but I was quite sure that this is someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with, settle down as best is possible with my work, and have some semblance of a family, even if that family is just two people and a dog. Man, I love that dog.

[1]

53. just asking, bud. the first cut is the deepest, you know? that's all...

and about the dog. i totally get that. so make that the first question. for all you know she might be perfectly willing to get the dog to you.

all you have to ask. ask her if you can have the dog.

you might be surprised at the answer.



about the woman. tougher question. from my experience, and this is only from my experience, long distance relationships never work. you cannot be in a relationship with someone who is not in your life. accessible. right there. available for you. its not possible. if its a short term thing for a month or two, maybe. but if you two are living apart you have to ask the question "why do we live apart?" and then you will reach the answer all on you own.

quit your job. run to her. that's one answer. then she will see you as needy and never respect you.

demand that she quit her job and run to you. not the answer either.

the examination of why you two live separate lives in separate cities is the answer to your question.

ponder on that...


but please, ask her about the dog.

[Quantess]

50. don't be

an unsuspecting jerk

[1]

52. what?

exactly who the fuck are you to even suggest that?

you unsuspecting jerk...

[Quantess]

64. Sorry, I did not mean to offend a popular person.

[pitohui]

57. i didn't want to be the first to say that but...

yeah

she doesn't want him to come for xmas

she lives in cali, he lives in the u.k. and they go months w.out seeing each other

sounds like to me, her back-up plan has become her real life, and she doesn't want to take the old guy for another round of xmas trips and gifts now that she's sure about the new guy

i won't say it's 100 percent but i'd put it at a decent likelihood that she has someone else

he needs to cut the cord and move forward and not use the dog as an excuse to keep making contact and pouring salt in his own wounds

"unsuspecting jerk" is harsher than i'd like to put it but it has the advantage of summing up the situation in far fewer syllables than my ramblings

[Quantess]

65. Appreciated, but,

I already posted responses to his previous posts.

[WildEyedLiberal]

43. Shit, dude

I remember you saying you were in the UK, and giving me some advice on my stay there a few months ago.... what shitty thing to deal with under normal circumstances, and being on a different continent makes it 100000X worse since there's really no chance you can just drive over to talk things out.

Would sending an email help? Obviously the long distance thing is really stressing her out, and I'd wager it's stressing you out too; her comment about you being "an asshole" on the phone makes me think that the lack of face to face interaction is seriously putting a lot of strain on you both.

I unfortunately don't have any real advice, thank God I didn't have to deal with any serious drama while I was in the UK. Of course, I didn't even attempt to maintain a relationship, either. :/ I'll be thinking about you and pulling for things to work out.

[harmonicon]

49. thanks

I hope my UK advice was in some ways useful. So, I guess advice #2 is: don't move to the UK if you have a girlfriend dead set on living in California. Fucking UK laws. Maybe things would be different if dogs could be brought here without being in quarantine. Oh well... such is life.

[Flaxbee]

45. I'm sorry. I remember how hard it is --

I think most, if not all, of us have been there at some point. Bi_baby's advice is good - just focus on what you need to do now, and tomorrow. That's it. Quit with the Christmas things, etc. Just for the next few weeks, if you can, go day by day. Sometimes, hour by hour.

Really. Hour by hour. You probably can't fix this. You've broken up before, you live hellishly far apart, it just seems too difficult to sustain. But don't worry about that right now. Ask her about the dog - it's fair for you to have an answer about a living creature you care for. But otherwise, do your work, study, perform, whatever you need to do.

And post here. If you think you can't stand it, just post here. You WILL figure things out, but probably right now. You do need time because you feel like you've been blindsided.

:hug: It is a horrible, shitty, awful feeling. But you have company, and we've all gotten through it. You will too. But it will take some time.

So again, just repeat: hour by hour. Just for today, you are OK, and can get this work done. Just for today, don't worry about ________, and go to a movie (concert/read a good book/etc).

[harmonicon]

51. thank you (and thanks to everyone else who has offered support)

It's not real life, but I'm so thankful that this place that I usually come to to be involved with stupid jokes and things has been supportive. If anything, it's good to know that other human beings are out there willing to lend a hand in whatever way they can.

yeah.... hour by hour.... so much stuff to do in the next month. so busy. I don't know how I'll be able to cope.

[Withywindle]

48. Oh, ouch.

I was dumped after six years (for the second time straight - that's about the lifespan of my relationships, six years)....I want to say recently, because it still feels recent, but in reality it was nearly two years ago, and while things are better than they were a year ago, I can't say I'm "over it," whatever the hell that means. (What DOES that mean? That you stop loving the person; stop wondering; stop wishing? Huh, what? I've only ever really stopped missing ONE ex ever, and that was the abusive one; he made it easy.)

But in your later posts, it sounds like you don't know. It's not a done deal, it's just...likely? Maybe? And that's hell too, just a different kind. Maybe worse. Only time will tell if it's worse or not, though; if you reconcile, then it was just "creative tension" and if you don't, then it was cruel to even be allowed to think there was hope.

I would ask for more clarification on why it's so difficult to live with you when you are together. There must be something there you can change; there must be something she can change too.

I wish you all the best. :hug:

[harmonicon]

58. is that what I have to look forward to? feeling this way for years?

As for clarification... I think that she and I just handle things very differently in some respects. She can't stand my yelling, especially because her dad, who is a great guy and she has a good relationship with now, yelled a lot when she was a kid, and it's sort of scarred her. When things bother me, I address them immediately. I'm really passionate, and I raise my voice. It can be about a fight with her, little things, or something entirely separate. In contrast, she really bottles things up and then explodes (or implodes) with emotion. That is, while she said that things were ok now, that she really wasn't happy with how things went the last few times we were together. I guess this had been building within her for a long time. I'm very seriously afraid that this isn't salvageable. One thing that she's good at, and I admire her for in general, is making tough choices and sticking with them.... sucks in this case though. She also is seriously paranoid (as am I - we're both overly neurotic, and that's not good), so I don't know if she can overcome her fear of things not working out. I said that things would be different over the upcoming holiday, because I'd thought a lot about it, and it was the one thing in life that I was really looking forward to. She said that she just didn't think that things would change: I'd be very sweet and understanding over the phone, but that in person we'd start to fight and yell. Our fights are never about things like not loving one another or doing something that seriously hurts the other's feelings - or rarely. It's usually about little things like getting dinner, driving (she's an admittedly bad driver, and it freaks me out - I've had a number of friends die in automobile accidents, so I take it very seriously), etc. I think that counseling could help us come to find new ways to deal with our problems in a mutually agreed upon way, but I think it's too late for her to give that a chance. She's said that she's finally ready to get therapy about some of her paranoia... she doesn't like the way that I address it. I agreed years ago to stop suggesting that she go to a therapist, but don't know what to do when these things are bothering her. I can only hear the same baseless concerns/complaints for years while being compassionate about it - eventually I just tune it out. I know I shouldn't, but it's emotionally draining dealing with that. I just don't know what to do. In our friendships and careers we will be tied to one another for the rest of our lives, unless one of us were to radically change the direction of our lives, so there's no way to really make a clean break for either of us. I just don't know what to do. I want to fix things, not just stop hurting.

[stewartcolbert08]

54. Sorry dude

I wish i could give you some type of comfort but I cant. I am going through something similar but it was MY fuck ups that ended the relationship too not just his. Now so much has happened while we have been apart that I dont know if it can ever be okay again.........anyway...about you. You just have to take some deep breaths and take things one day at a time. What other choice have you been given right? Even if you guys dont work it out, hang in there. Time is usually the best therapist of all. Hang in there man! :hug:

[harmonicon]

59. thanks

I hope things turn out well for you. And welcome to DU :) :hug:

[stewartcolbert08]

62. Thanks and thanks LOL

I hope things get better for you too. Lots of deep breaths! ;)

[Tuesday Afternoon]

55. hang in there...good luck.

:hug:

[Shine]

60. It's good to go for therapy.

Yes, it can work to help bridge differences...it can also help YOU, on a personal level, to do indiv therapy and get some closure to work through your grief and heal emotionally, should it not work out.

Good luck, I wish you all the best.

[applegrove]

61. So sorry.

[Danger Mouse]

63. My perspective on relationships at this time is quite sour so I am not the best person to talk to...

but...best of luck to you.