Let's say ...that you are married --

[Tuesday Afternoon]

to a man who has 2 children from a previous marriage. You have 1 child with this man. He gives you his paycheck every week and you pay the bills and give him "running money".

Somehow, the Family is always broke and the 2 children from the previous marriage do without while your child wears brand name outfits from department stores.

You are also going home (240 mile round trip) every week-end with your child to visit your family, leaving your husband to deal with the the other 2 children, house work, and the business that you run together.

Every week-end you give your family all the money that you can "afford" to give them.

Ok. What kind of person are you?

[Chan790]

1. an asshole?

materialistic? A poor excuse for a step parent?

In any case, I'd wager that this person self-IDs as a evangelical christian conservative...and is none of the above in reality.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

2. thanks for responding --

Do you mind if I refrain from comments til later. I do not want to color any repsonses. I want total honesty. This is a for real situation involving people near and dear to my heart and I want to be fair to all involved. :hug: :hi:

[Chan790]

8. Not at all...

that might have been harsh on my part...but people like this get my Irish up. I had an uncle and aunt who were like this (except it was their "real" kids versus their adopted kids), they used to foist the younger adopted kids off on the older ones and go do things with the "real" kids or go shopping for the "real" kids. The adopted kids were always dressed in hand-me-downs and thrift shop clothes. The real kids went to private schools then Georgetown and Yale, the adopted kids got sent to GED classes.

After my uncle kidnapped my grandfather out of the hospital and after Grandpa died and after my uncle dropped dead of lung cancer...after all that we discovered the reason for his strange behavior qua grandpa...

He'd been bankrolling his lifestyle and that of his "real" kids by embezzling from my grandfather. (They'd also been adopting special needs children, older/unwanted kids, and problem cases because the state of NY would subsidize their care...then they'd pocket that money too.) When I called my aunt on it months later...she accused me of being the thief to the rest of the family because "I'm not blood." (I'm not...I'm my mother's child from a first marriage.)

These sorts of stories make my blood boil.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

16. ~

:hug:

[petronius]

3. I'm going to say an extremely unpleasant person.

What do I win?

I'd also say selfish, controllling, self-centered, a poor parent, a terrible spouse, and an all-around waste of space...

:puke:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

13. don't hold back...tell us how you really feel

:D thanks for responding :hug:

[Hobarticus]

4. Not a very nice one, at all.....

All children in the home should be treated equally, regardless of lineage.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

11. thanks

I will say that I do agree whole heartedly with that statement. :hug:

[crim son]

5. Hurting?

I've wrestled with the step child issue without actually getting into it... largely because it's so difficult to negotiate. There is so much more involved than just your written overview - you know that - and an uncomfortable sacrifice will likely be required by somebody.

A body can only control hie/her own feelings and reactions. Determine the correct path and the rest will be clear.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

10. no comment at this time...thanks for responding...

:hug:

[Tom Kitten]

6. a jerk?

what do you think, you asked!

[Tuesday Afternoon]

12. You are right. I did. Thanks for responding.

;) :hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

7. A couple of questions...

Am I the one buying the designer duds for my kid, or are they being purchased by my mom?

Are my weekend visits to my family a problem for my husband, or does he appreciate the weekend time with his kids?

Do my stepkids see their mother at all?

[Tuesday Afternoon]

9. ok --

You are the one buying the clothes for your child.

Your week-end visits are tolerated by your husband. As an outsider looking in, that is all the objective data I can supply regarding that question.

Your step-kids have a somewhat stable relationship with their Mother...and is getting better.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

14. I'm pretty clueless as to what step-parenting is about

Perhaps confused by the lack of communication that needs to exist between myself and my stepkids' mom; and afraid of it at the same time. It's good to get away on weekends, because then I don't have to face the prospect of communicating with my stepkids' mom. I'm thinking, erroneously, that my husband's kids are solely the responsibility of my spouse and his ex...that certainly would make things easier.

I have 2 grown stepsons; and I often wish I could redo our past. The first thing I'd do is send the kids to the grandparents' house so my husband, his ex, and I could meet and lay a foundation for a healthy relationship before the kids try to pit one parent against another...before the ex takes offense at my asking my stepsons to do their homework or clean up after themselves.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

15. Hind-sight is 20/20

thanks for responding. :hug:

I know there are no easy answers in the game called Life.

[Connonym]

17. Selfish at the very least

but I think the dad is more to blame. She's taking care of her child, which is a natural instinct, but he's only taking care of 1/3 of his kids. Sounds like dad is either spineless or cold hearted. I've never been a step-parent but I'd like to think that if I loved a man enough to marry him that I would do my best to take care of his kids and try to love them too. Possibly or even probably could never love as much as my own but I'd still want to be a nurturing force in their lives.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

21. no comment at this time. Thanks for responding.

:hug:

[jobycom]

18. Couldn't say, without more background.

I take it all three kids live in the same house? How is the treatment of the kids within the house? Are they treated equally, or do they eat different foods, live by different rules? How long have they been married? How old are the children? Do the other kids want designer clothes? Or have other sacrifices been made for the designer clothes by the mom's kid that aren't visible?

As for the trip to see family, are there reasons for this? Sick parents, elderly parents? Was this something she did before the marriage, and is continuing? Would the family allow the other kids or even the husband?

What does the husband want? Does he mind having weekends alone with his older kids? Is he better at the business than his spouse, or does she do things that are more necessary during the week, whereas his focus must be on the weekend?

I mean, I could easily say the mom is selfish and immature, and maybe so, but I could create scenarios where she is self-sacrificing, even a saint, given the sparse details. Maybe her husband is the irresponsible one--bad with money, carrying a lot of previous debt, stubborn about who buys what for his own kids. Maybe he wants to spend weekends with his "own kids," and refuses to go with the mother to see her family. Maybe her family doesn't approve of him for some reason, and the wife still feels obligated to see her family.

I grew up in an odd family with two foster brothers that was always misinterpreted from the outside, so I tend to be hesitant to draw conclusions without knowing all sides. I've been on the other end of that.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

22. jobycom...

One question at a time starting with your first:

I take it all three kids live in the same house? No. The oldest and the "baby" (that is the child's name, at the age of 3 --- Baby). On the weekends she is gone with Baby and the other 2 swap turns staying with their birth Mother.

How is the treatment of the kids within the house? The older 2 (during the summer months) are expected to cater to Baby's every whim. They are talked to in a very stern, strict voice. Baby can do no wrong.

Do the other kids want designer clothes? The rest of the Family makes sure that the other 2 children get proper clothing, school supplies and the "extras" that all children want.

As for the trip to see family, are there reasons for this? Sick parents, elderly parents? The Father is somewhat sickly and the Mother is somewhat "simple". (for lack of a better word)

Was this something she did before the marriage, and is continuing? Before the marriage she lived in the same town as her parents.

Would the family allow the other kids or even the husband? Yes, they are allowed but, they are not necessarily invited. The parents live in a very small house.

What does the husband want? I can not answer for him. I do know that after 3 years of this that something is causing a strain and they are arguing and she is threatening to leave.

Does he mind having weekends alone with his older kids? Does he Mind? NO. Would he like for it to be different...Probably.

Is he better at the business than his spouse, or does she do things that are more necessary during the week, whereas his focus must be on the weekend? They both have their own expertise in different areas of this business. The Economy is a big factor.

[jobycom]

23. Well...

Well, still not enough info to judge someone, but sounds like she's in a pattern that maybe needs to be changed a bit. Without knowing personalities, I wouldn't know who's at fault most in each area. She's only living with one of the stepchildren, and then only during the week, so she's not going to feel as responsible for the stepkids, especially since one barely spends times with her. Plus, the older two kids have another family, whereas Baby only has the one, so maybe Mom sees them as luckier than her own. Maybe also the real mom is expected to chip in more, or maybe the real mom has input into how they treat the stepkids, since if the older kid gets something, the other mom may be pressured into spending on the child living with her.

Also, if Baby is much younger than the older two, she'll probably get preferential treatment just because of age. We always expected our older daughter to help us with our younger when she was a toddler. They're six years apart. That's natural, but a parent can get in the habit of favoring the youngest without realizing it, even when the child has grown old enough to not need it anymore.

As for the weekends trips, they sound necessary to me, but that's because I have aging parents and I live 500 miles from them, and every time I see them I know it may be the last. Dad's in poor health, and Mom has a family history of heart attacks, and has high cholesterol. If those visits are causing strife for the family, they need to be worked out, but, since the other kids are rotated on weekends, they would barely know the other family and might feel like outsiders if they went with stepmom only every other weekend. They and father might prefer not going.

So, still don't know what to think of Mom here. Certainly she's got some patterns of favoring Baby over the stepkids, but the circumstances aren't cut and dried, so can't say whether she's a wicked stepmom or just an inexperienced parent making the mistakes many parents make. Her visits to her parents seem necessary and virtuous to me, though that's my own history imposing itself. Without knowing what the stepkids, dad, and other Mom (and does she have a husband or stepkids?) want, I can't judge whether she's being unfair by not taking stepkids. Certainly, she's making a mistake by giving more appearance of favoritism, even if this is exactly what the stepkids want.

As for the marital strife, that could be caused by a lot of factors, including the business. If it's caused by the mom and her preferential treatment of the kids, and she refuses to adjust, then she's selfish and immature. If it's caused by other factors, it's harder to judge. One clue is that she is the one threatening to leave, which implies she's the one most dissatisfied with the situation. That could be an irrational dissatisfaction, for instance if the father is demanding more equitable treatment and she doesn't want to lose preferential status. Or it could mean that she's got honest reason to be dissatisfied with him.

Just can't judge her. I've seen too many families that look one way from the outside and another from within. I've seen a marriage where the husband was almost a saint, and the wife cheated and lied and manipulated continuously, but the husband kept problems to himself, and the wife laid defenses with all her friends to make him look like the bad guy, while telling no one about the cheating and the lies. Everyone (except me, who knew the wife better than others) blamed the husband, but he was such an obvious victim that it was really all her fault. And I've seen my own family--my parents and siblings--get judged over treatment of foster brothers, when no one knew what was really happening within.

Then again, maybe it's not complex, maybe she's selfish and immature and manipulative, and maybe the Father is completely blameless. Or something in between. Can't say, of course, just throwing out ideas, because as you know, I love to write. :)

Must go vote. God, I can't wait. :bounce:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

25. thank you for an objective analysis with the information you were

given. :)

PS: although you totally ignored the money situation...if you would care to speak to that issue, feel free.

Just got back from voting myself...#312 voter on the machine at my precinct at 10:30am. :bounce:

edited to add the PS

[dembotoz]

19. love me? love my kids.

Sage advice i first heard from a coworker a number of years ago.

relationships are parckage deals.
If you buy the package,
you buy the PACKAGE

[Tuesday Afternoon]

20. This woman started out the relationship being very good to the

2 children...then she had her own child. Things changed with the birth of her baby.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

24. are you sure you got both sides of the story?

[Tuesday Afternoon]

26. I am an outsider looking in...I tried to give the information as objectively

as I can given what I have witnessed with my own eyes.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

27. while she is selfish, he is a terrible father. i feel very strongly that he should stand up for his

children, she certainly stands up for hers.

he is not obligated to hand over his checks etc.

he has a moral obligation to be a good father and isnt being so for personal reasons. not a good enough excuse.

yeah, she is selfish etc but he is not at all innocent in my opinion.

my father would stood up for me, if my step mother was a selfish ass (which she is not, she is wonderful.)

[Tuesday Afternoon]

28. yes, they are both human and are both making mistakes. Thanks

for the comments.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

29. i have a bias against parents who make their second marriages easier at the cost of their children

:hi:

[Tikki]

30. Thank you for this post....and I know you are going out of your way to be....

to be impartial...just the facts.

But, my son and his fiancee are raising a his (six years old son) and a theirs (4 months old daughter)
and I will now watch carefully to make sure that my grandson is not dealt the short end of
the stick.

This young woman seems very dedicated to both children, I like her, and I would never infer anything
unless I was sure there was a real problem.

Having no experience with 'step' anything, I don't want to be be naive about the whole situation.




Tikki

[Tuesday Afternoon]

33. If this serves to help educate people then I am glad that I posted.

Best of luck to all of you :hug:

[LostinVA]

31. There are two sides to every story -- I would need more facts first

In my experience, very rarely do these things happen in a vacuum, and even more rarely do we outside the situation actually know what's going on.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

34. I have tried to answer all questions as objectively as possible...

Is there any specific question that you have or did you just want to make a comment? :shrug: :hi:

[LostinVA]

36. There's alot of stuff you CAN'T answer -- that's my point

Only the two of them can.

I've seen too many relationships -- and been in enough -- to give both of them the benefit of the doubt.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

38. thank you for your observation and comment. n/t

[Tuesday Afternoon]

39. dupetastic

:woohoo:

[Inchworm]

32. Dummy the plummer

ok, I am one-tracked today :)

:hi:

PS: I have a pic of a place called Tuesday Morning. I'll get it on computer one day to pick on ya.

:P

[Tuesday Afternoon]

35. heehee...

Isn't Tuesday Morning a Discount Department Store found in Strip Malls? ;) :hi:

[Inchworm]

37. It is

lol.

My car is gone. It has my camera in it, so I can't do pics.

People thought I was nuts when I pulled out of traffic just to take picture though :P

:hi:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

40. aha --

now my curiosity is piqued ....

you Nut :D

[skygazer]

41. I really don't think it's possible to make a judgment call based on that information

I mean, you could say the wife is grasping and selfish because she is not caring for the 2 step-children equally but you could just as easily make the case that she is a good person who is caring for what she sees as her family.

As far as money goes, the father should be paying child support for the care of the 2 children from his prior marriage.

But the bottom line is, it's none of my business how people choose to live their lives and I can't possibly know the inner dynamics of their situation.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

42. you are correct.

Thanks for your comments.

[Joe Fields]

43. I just give my wife the money and let her do what she wants.

That way, our bills are always paid.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

45. uhm....

is she supporting 2 other families with out your knowledge on your paycheck while your children go without?

[pitohui]

44. a person who is genetically programmed to succeed and to prefer her own child above a stranger's

it's an advance over nature's way, which would be to cook and eat the other woman's children

i have to admit that i would never, ever even consider a relationship w. a man who had children by another woman, such a man is dead to me

it is just instinctual that you do not give of survival resources to feed another genetic line, you take care of your own child and your own family related to you by DNA first

sorry, i don't say so, mr. darwin say so but my gut tells me that it's pretty true

yes, it would be BETTER if you never got involved w. the man who already had 2 children in the first place...but he had the choice...put you and YOUR child together first or GFH...apparently for whatever reason "go fuck himself" wasn't an option so you quite reasonably take what you can get

it might not seem fair, it might not seem right, but YOUR child which you carried in your body for 9 months changing your body and your future forever comes before any other

[Tuesday Afternoon]

46. thanks for your comments...

:hug: