I can't fucking do this anymore

[GirlinContempt]

I can't, I just can't. This is an insane inane post from hell, but if I don't do something i'm just going to crack up even more. its too late to call anyone and i'm going to explode

i can't do anything, and i sure as hell can't do anything right. for what, over a week now? I've been sleeping on a fucking loveseat, waking up in screaming fucking agony, and then trying all day to get myself to a point where I can move around, just so i can go vacum every fucking inch of my bedroom, every bit of furniture and speck of carpet and inch of my mattress and on and on just to try and get rid of these fucking bed bugs becauyse i can't afford a god damn exterminator, and they're just nasty little fucks. the cleaning bill alone, which I had to borrow for, i don't know how the fuck i'm going to pay that back because i can't clean every article of clothing and bedding i own myself, i physically can not so i had to send it out and i'm so fucking poor right now i'm on the verge of eating my cats food

i thought i had it under control, but no. i was in the room and one just flew off of something and started crawling on my fucking arm

i can't fucking do this. not just the bug shit, any of it

ten fucking months of ever increasing pain and misery, and no one can or will help me. i can't work, i get less than $200 fucking dollars a month to live on, i can't get around anywhere. fuck, some days i can't get up, let alone go out.

i fuck everything up. i try to be patient and cheerful and deal and cope but i can't. i'm sick all the time, constantly nauseous, vomiting left right and center. the pain is getting worse every day. i get massive headaches, my vision goes all fucked and i can't see anything for hours at a time, and i can barely walk as it is. no one wants to be around me, and i don't blame them. i'm a miserable son of a bitch, no matter how hard i try, and i'm a giant fucking baby. people deal with this shit every day, idon't know what is wrong with me that I just cant

every fucking time i walk in to my drs office, i see a new asshole that i have to try and explain my 10 months worth of hell to just to try and get anywhere, and i never get anywhere. they all treat me like a crazy fucking drug addict or something. i see one guy, he makes me an appt to come back two weeks later to look at some stuff, i come back, it's a new fucking guy who has no god damn clue why i'm there. they fuck up my prescriptions, which are narcotics, so when i go to get them fixed, the pharmacy wont fill them because they have the old fucked up directions. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF HAVING THAT GIANT FUCKING FILE ON ME IF NO ONE READS IT OR WRITES IT IN OR PAYS ANY FUCKING ATTENTION TO THE INFORMATION THEREIN>!>>?!?!

i'm now having to go over an hour outside of the city just to see someone that is actually trying to help me, and it's hell in the car there and back because i can't sit for that long, and I can only get appointments when I can find someone who has the time to drive me. the guy is a family friend, and is so far better than any other fuck i've seen, but i have to go to fucking carman to see him, so that's just mental

i live in a hell hole because i can barely take care of myself, actually i really can't take care of myself, let alone my apartmnet, and i live alone, because my fucking room mate is too self involved to give a shit about anyone but herself. I have done nothing but try to be a good fucking friend to her, andnow I may as well not exist. Oh hey, need a job? I'll help you get one. You need a room mate? I'll move out with you. Need someone to go to the clinic with you? Well, I'm in immense pain and sitting in a plastic waiting room chair for 2 hours is worse than the rack, but you're my friend and I'm there for you.

Can she even be bothered to bring home a fucking carton of milk when she says she will?! She shows up every 3 or 4 weeks for about 10 hours, most of wich are sleeping. she can't even be bothered to show up when she promised MORE THAN A MONTH IN ADVANCE to be around when the neighbour crackheads were having some insane party. I talked to her THAT DAY and she didn't even CALL. She was at KARAOKE INSTEAD. she calls and says she wants to come hang out tomorrow evening, and doesn't show up FOR A MONTH. and she KNEW, moving out with me, that I COULD NOT LIVE ALONE, and that I would need a bit of help. I'm not asking anyone to wipe my ass or give me a sponge bath but, i don't know, pitch in on the groceries, pick things up at the store, help me with the cleaning i physically CAN NOT DO?!

i am constantly alone. and I still have another week or more to wait before I can find out of i have this fucked up bone cancer from my tests. so thats fun.

I sit in a dirty fucking apartment, in agony, unable to do anything, nearly too poor to fucking eat, crawling with fucking biting bugs, half blind, throwing up all over the place (ok, in the toilet, but still...) alone. All. The. Time.

And i'm losing it. tonight i just fucking snapped. i just collapsed on the floor in the living room and cried so loud for nearly 2 hours that the neighbors started banging on the ceiling. I dunno what to do. i'm shaking so hard right now. and i just want it over. done. kaput.

i'm not saying suicide. don't get me wrong. I'm saying, a meteor is crashing towards me, i'm not running, even if i could. i'm on the verge of praying for some sort of sudden death to just carry me off without my help. just something. or, better yet, a miracle cure.

There is no fucking reason a person like me, with no injury or trauma, should be stuck like this for TEN MONTHS without even something as basic as a diagnosis.

I can't do it anymore. and i don't even want to talk to half the people in my life, because they just make me feel fucking guilty. I know that they CARE, but fuck, please find another way of showing it. When you ask how I am and i honestly say shit, don't make me feel bad because you don't want to hear it. don't get fucking angry with me because i'm not doing better, or i don't know something, or i don't feel like chatting. I"M FUCKING MISERABLE, and if you don't want to deal with it, DONT. but don't say you care so much and want to help and want me to talk to you and all this nonsense and then lay this giant guilt trip on me because *I* make *YOU* feel bad. I'm so fucking tired of this shit. Everyone wants to help and then gets fucking bitchy when they can't and i'm still unhappy. IT MAKES ME FEEL WORSE. And it makes me pull away from everyone in my life even more, because I don't want to make people as unahppy and miserable as I am, I really fucking dont.

and frankly, i really don't have many people in my life. my room mate is off in "i only care about me and getting laid and being popular" land, and most of my friends have lives. I can't go anywhere, I can't do most thigns, even going out for a meal is a fucking ordeal and incredibly painful. And now, people can't even come here because I might infect them with these fucking bed bugs.

so i just can' do it anymore. i can't keep pretending to be cheerful and up beat and normal because it's fucking killing me. and i'm serously losing it. i can't sleep, when i do i wake up in even more pain if thats possible. i'm sick all the time, etc. and whopee i get to wait and find out if i have fucking incurable bone cancer.

i hate my life. i hate my life. i wish i could afford a big bar of chocolate so i could eat it and then puke it back up again. but i can't even afford a payphone call.

fuck.

and posting this on the internet is probably nuts too, but i just don't care anymore who knows what or who's judging me or who reads it. i just need to feel like i have some kind of basic human interaction right now, because as i said, i can't even call someone, because it's so late at night and i'm here, as usual, all alone.

[enigmatic]

1. I'm sorry

:hug:

[GirlinContempt]

16. AHA! the culprit finally shows himself!!

well, you aren't forgiven, meanie :P ;)

[enigmatic]

37. LOL

And I leave the toilet seat up too! :D

[buzzycrumbhunger]

2. Especially if you're in Canada

. . . there should be tons of places that offer Chinese medicine. It sounds like a holistic approach would not only treat you from every direction, but also gives you more of a sense of control. Maybe there's a school that offers super cut-rate deals or even free treatment. Feeling ill long-term does have a way of sucking you down a hole. It can take a while, but positivity does have a way of attracting good things (and conversely, expecting the worst does help that manifest). Yes, that sounds flaky, but I can vouch for it personally.

I think I would start right now with a soak in a warm tub, freshly shaved legs, a good hair conditioning, and a dab of my favorite perfume afterwards. Start the day by being good to yourself and then think about one thing you can do differently today to rewrite your life's script the way you want it.

Sorry, this is the best I can do on the intertoobs and half awake. Just didn't want your rant to go unacknowledged. :)

[GirlinContempt]

9. I've tried a bunch of shit

nothing helped

[Tom Kitten]

3. Check your pm

I'm still up for awhile...

[JVS]

4. I think you should move in with your parents for a while

My reasoning is as follows:
a) You're in poor health and need the assistance of competent people who care about you.
b) You're being surrounded by more and more tasks that you can't quite get done on your own without them being major hassles (the bedbugs, the Dr. appointments, etc.)
c) You're poor.
d) If you're ever to recover from whatever the hell it is that's messing you up so badly, you need to be able to concentrate on getting treatment. You might even need the assistance of someone who has been around the block a few more times and knows how to get them to quit fucking around, which is a recurrent problem with these doctors.
e) It's driving you nuts.

Other than that, :hug:

[Tom Kitten]

6. yes

Basically JVS said in a few sentences what I would say. Please know that there are people here who do care and are willing to help as much as they can.

[GirlinContempt]

10. I can't

they live in a giant three story house, and right now there are no bedrooms even available. They're in massive reno mode. Plus, they're never home. they work like 24/7 practically. Plus, it's a three story house. And, I have a lease, which I would have to break to move out, which I can't afford to do as it's just more money. It sucks, but yeah, they don't have room for me. :\

[buzzycrumbhunger]

12. Then I'm with philboy

I've transcribed for a hospital in Toronto and it sounds like Canada has a very caring system. You need to stop focusing what you can't do and start figuring out what you CAN do. Perhaps a trip to the ER would get you some psychological support, a real shoulder to cry on, social services, and some financial and periodic household help. If nothing else, self-admitting might even speed up things on the medical side as part of your therapy. It's good to hear you don't think you're suicidal but if you feel you're flailing without a support system, it doesn't sound very far from that slope.

You've had a therapeutic cry, now you need to assess what you can change--and whether you want to continue on your own or ask for a little help to get there. You can get over this. Just concentrate on one thing at a time and don't get overwhelmed by the whole picture.

[GirlinContempt]

14. I have gone to the ER twice

and both times, unfortunately, they said that there was nothing they could do for me, as my problem is a long term one. one dr gave me a new kind of painkiller to try, as part of the problem was my pain medication was just not cutting it anymore.

I have gone to the ER for other things, and had fabulous care, and also had amazing care from other Drs over the years. I think it is a great system. Unfortunately, what's happened is that I'm in a teaching clinic now where I see rez drs instead of an actual family dr, as well as the fact that my family dr left his practice in june. The clinic seems to be really poorly run and managed, and every time i go in i see someone new, and no one can really take the time to try and help me as i don't have a single person who's really in control of my healthcare. I've had at least 2 residents offer to do this, but even when they offer and book the appts themselves, i end up with other people. it's very frustrating. But no matter how good a system may be, there are always assholes and fuckups.

I need to find a new family dr, more than anything. At this stage in the game, this is clearly a chronic concern that requires a long term approach that I don't think a group of different Drs and residents can provide to me. However, finding a new dr at this time is really incredibly difficult. there is a real shortage of drs accepting patients, plus my serious transportation issues, make it harder to do this. I am trying to find a dr in at least my very general area, but it's slooooooooooooow going. Basically, I continue at this clinic because they have my file and at the very least can provide better care than a walk in clinic of some sort.

I need someone to refer me to a specialist of some kind. Either a neurologist, or a rheumatoid specialist, or something. My drs have been reluctant to refer me anywhere. They have only sent me to a sports medicine dr, who is useless in this case, and he himself says there is nothing he can do, and HE won't refer me anywhere else, god knows why. I can't just show up at a different specialist off the street. So, this out of town dr is running my tests, trying to find some info so he can send me to a specialist, which is sadly slow going.

It is impossible not to get overwhelmed. I can't look at one thing at a time, because every part of it affects my daily life in a very real way. 10 months and no diagnosis?! I'm already on welfare, which is all i can really get at this point in time as far as financial assistance goes. I live in my living room, on a love seat, in chronic pain, unable at times to get up, i can barely afford to feed myself, most of the time i can't even get in to the shower, and i'm dealing with these gross bugs. This all affects my day to day life and almost everything I do. I'm trapped. I wish I could break it down and deal with things like this, but I don't see how. I have gone to every kind of alternative medicine person i can find, i have tried every medical contact i can get at through family and friend connections, i have tried hospitals and walk in clinics and even attempted to get in to my sisters dr (who told me she knew I was only there to get some drugs, wtf?) I am at my wits fucking end. the hospital won't take me because it isn't an emergency, my drs don't seem to want to run tests (telling me there is no point, the tests wont show anything and that this is all in my head) and they wont refer me anywhere, and my care is so poorly managed it takes TWO MONTHS to get a form filled out, multiple visits just to get something as basic as results from an xray, and NOT ONE PERSON who is either dedicated to or capable of taking on my file to the exclusion of the others to try and provide some real, long term care.

So, seriously, I don't know what to do. Just getting to and from one appointment costs me a minimum of 10% of my monthly allowance. That money is required for bills and food and things like that. Every new dr I try, every appointment i have to make takes at least another 10% of the money I require to eat. Oh, and I don't pay my internet bill. I was going to cancel as it's clearly not an essential service, but i have some one who's insisted on paying it so that i can at least keep in touch with some friends and family otu of town, and have the resources to do some work if and when i'm able to. other wise, i wouldn't be typing this right now.

I can't get rides from people. Everyone works. and when I can call in a ride-favour, i need it for the out of town stuff.

[JVS]

25. Please talk to them about it. If you're waiting to find out if you have cancer, you might need...

better care anyway.

[GirlinContempt]

33. We have talked about it

but they don't have anywhere for me to live.

[tigereye]

28. can't they help out financially so that you can stay somewhere better

with some help? Are they aware of how bad things are for you? ( I agree with JVS here)

It almost seems like you need nursing or supportive care for a while... or something along those lines, with some folks to help you. It might even be worth a call to a social worker, or someone who helps folks with chronic ailments.


I am so sorry it is so difficult for you. I doubt that your parents would want you to be living and suffering like this and we here at DU don't either.


:hug:

[GirlinContempt]

32. they know how hard it is

but they can't really offer that much help, unfortunately. all their money is tied up in the businesses and the house, and they have very little time to give, as they work constantly. the last 2-3 months have been some of their busiest, too. and... i'm an adult, and they have other things to be spending their money on...


there has been some talk of getting a small amout of homecare, but that requires a cooperative medical professional.

[DeepBlueC]

64. Do you have an actual welfare worker?

You need resources of all kinds, especially human resources and I'm trying to think of some way you can crack into a network. My neighbor has not worked for a couple of years and ultimately ended up on welfare. She doesn't have all the complex medical issues that you have but she does have all the desperation, depression that you do and I know that she has a sympathetic welfare worker and somehow she got hooked up to a therapist who will treat her by phone. She has the same mobility problem, physical and financial. She also has a good family doctor, which, as you say, you really do need. In fact I read a study recently that said that therapists who treat depression over the phone are more successful in getting people to stay with it than those who insist on the office visits. According to health insurance rules, phone calls are not covered but her doc does it, my doc does it and I'll bet a lot of others do too. Is there a women's health clinic you can access? Or is there a family practice unit of a teaching hospital. The way I got my first g.p. was to see her at the clinic and follow her over to family practice. You really do need some kind of entree to a whole range of medical professionals and you need someone to captain the team. Go and tell them your whole story, the pain, the isolation, the immobilization, the lack of human contact, the depression, the fucking bedbugs (now that really just is an unbearable affliction on top of everything else), and the inability to afford transportation, and see if they can hook you up with a whole bunch of people and some way to get to them. Everyone you see is looking at just one problem. If you call a clinic, tell them that you might need a long appointment because you have a complex story to tell and need a complete evaluation(usually they bill in ten minute increments for an office visit, more for a complete history and evaluation, and like a half an hour if under the rubric of "psychotherapy" if the situation is complex and ongoing). I think you are just getting them for what they see as a standard office visit and they do have time constraints in that circumstance, it helps if you can arrange beforehand to get them to set aside the time to consider a case like yours.

I sense that you are just feeling overwhelmed and helpless on top of the pain and poverty and isolation ... that's what it does to you. It takes away any feeling of effective control over your own situation. I wish you were in Toronto. I know what it feels like to be sick and helpless and depressed and simultaneously fed up with it and yet unable to see what to do or to take any steps to change ...it seems futile. My fallback is to stay in bed and semi-conscious until it is over, but with bugs... Here at least I could ask a few people in the city for advice and contacts but I know no one at all in Winnipeg.

Are you protecting your parents out of pride or depression or are they really that disengaged? Busy is one thing, but any parent who knew their child was suffering in as many ways as you are would be devastated to learn that they had been unaware or oblivious while all this was going on. What you have said to us here would move any parent or professional who saw it and I hope you can find someone to whom you can set it all out. Friends do feel helpless and, yes, they will withdraw when they are overwhelmed by need...this I know...but you have got to continue to try to find that professional contact who can crack the system for you and I think that means a therapist. But when you are interviewing them just set out right at the get go what it is that you need, someone to help you navigate your way through the system, and not just the medical system as you might do with a social worker too.

I really feel for you and I hope that you at least get some comfort from the company online. I have been in deep dark hurting helpless places myself and somehow muddled out. I did have to reach out to my family who, even though they "knew", had no idea of what I was going through and once they did, it made a difference. One doc advised me "ask for what you need" which somehow had not occurred to me before. Either I figured that it was obvious or it wasn't there anyhow, but it turned out I was wrong on both counts.

Good luck to you. I will try and send comforting vibes. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[GirlinContempt]

73. I do have a worker

Actually, I just got a new one because my old one quit, which was really sad. She was a sweetie.

I've never heard of them doing therapy by phone before, it's something I could certainly ask around about. I'm actually at a teaching clinic right now, the nightmare clinic from hell (dum dum DUUUUUM). they don't rush me out, but they're just useless. I made a post a few months ago detailing some of their immense fuckups, including refusing to order tests, taking 2+ months to fill out forms, over a week to sign a paper, telling me that the pain is all in my head, messing up my scripts constantly, refusing to refer me to other specialists, etc etc. It's kind of soured me on the whole idea of teaching clinics, which I know isn't fair. In some cases they provide excellent care. I'm just feeling a wee bit bitter ;)

My parents are very aware about what is going on. I usually have dinner with them at least once a week (though not recently for fear of bedbug transfer). In some ways, they've been very helpful, in others they're crazymaking. They've tried to hook me up with people they know that can help. Sometimes they'll pick up some groceries for me, if they can get away they'll give me rides where I need to go, which sadly isn't often. They've loaned me money for cabs and things. They know everything that is going on, I talk to them a lot. And we've talked about living arrangements, I can't live there. And they can't provide any more assistance than they are now. So, I'm not trying to protect them, I couldn't if I tried. But also at times, I wish I didn't talk to them about things. My mother just gets very upset, and angry. And maybe because she doesn't know what else to do with her anger, she takes it out on me. It is incredibly hard to talk to her, she ends up yelling at me. She gets angry with me for unknown reasons. She makes me feel worse, in many cases. I know she doesn't mean to. I know she loves me and is upset with everything that is happening and wants to help. but she doesn't know how to help, so I think she just ends up coming off as aggressive, angry and really downright bizarre with me. Even though I know she means well, I can't help but feel awful and upset about it afterward.

I've honestly tried every approach I can think of with my Drs, and I get nowhere. That doesn't mean I'm giving up, don't get me wrong. I'm giving up on THEM, but not on finding better care. The Dr shortage and my own issues are just making it hard. But, I'll figure it out eventually. Hopefully soon I can get someone to take me back out to the Dr in Carmen, and he will have some results from the new tests. Then he can refer me to someone in the city who is a specialist. Fingers crossed, when that happens, I can start to get somewhere. I really, really hope.

I would have thought that, hearing this story, a Dr would do something. Try to do something. Try to get on top of things. But, in all seriousness, not a word of exaggeration, a few months ago when it started to get *really really really UNBEARABLY* bad, I fainted. I was sleeping less than 3 hours a night, and that in less than 1 hour fits. I got up to go to the bathroom one night, and found myself in a heap on the floor god knows how long after. I couldn't get up again, I had to crawl slowly to a chair and pull myself in to it. I made an appointment, and between that day and the day of the appt. my bad leg just collapsed underneath me, and I again ended up on the floor. When I went to see the Dr, i told him about these episodes, my sleep problems, my inability to get out of bed, to shower. How sometimes I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom. How I often couldn't get to the kitchen to feed myself. My horrible fear, etc. Everything I've ever said here on DU about it over the months and more. All he asked me was if I was going to kill myself. When I said that I had no plans to, but I was scared about my emotional state and that I felt like I was going to 'snap', he again asked me. I said I didn't think so, but I had no idea what would happen if this went on. That was the extent of his concern. He wouldn't provide me with a stronger pain killer, he wouldn't refer me. When I told him that I would have to go back to the hospital if he didn't help, he said he 'wouldn't try to stop me if I really think I need something stronger'. I told him it wasn't about that so much as being about trying to find someone who would help. He also told me that they wouldn't order an MRI because he didn't think it would show anything, and that the pain and problems were all in my head, caused by some other stress in my life.

I mean, what do you do with that? I'm keeping a record of appointments, things said, things done or left undone, etc. But, I don't know how to make myself clearer. I have told them everything, I've told them what info I've found myself. I've asked for referals, for tests, I've gone to other medical professionals who've written letters to my Drs with their opinions and recommendations (people like physiotherapists). I just don't know how else to approach it with them. And, by the way, the MRI that i had a family-friend Dr order, it did show degenerative damage in my spine. So suck on that, bastard Dr who wouldn't order one.

I hope you know that I say all this to further explain my situation. I appreciate your advice, and your taking the time to give it. Someone who could provide some phone therapy may work out for me. I know I have such a physical and financial difficulty getting around, that would allow me to stay where I'm comfortable and not have to find money for cabs and stuff.

[GirlinContempt]

74. Oh, and another *fun* thing

With welfare, I have to provide them with Drs notes constantly to remain eligible for assistance. No problem, except that I have to pay for the notes and the transportation, but I always get them a note, so that's that. The other day, I got this letter in the mail stating that I had to show up at the welfare office for an hour and a half review of my eligibility and a seminar thing on finding work and coming up with an 'action plan' to get me off of welfare. If I don't show up, they cut me off.

Now, I have an 'action plan'. It says "To resume work as soon as you are physically able, as directed by your physician". That is all. Welfare knows that I have a job ready and waiting to resume as soon as I am better. and I provide them with notes whenever they ask, its all in my file.

So, I called my worker. That's when I found out that I have a new worker, actually. I explained to her that the reasons I cannot attend are the very reasons I'm on welfare in the first place. I have a hugely difficult time getting out of my apartment for things like Drs appointments, let alone some seminar that doesn't apply to me. I cannot sit in one place for an hour and a half, otherwise I would be able to work. Plus, getting there would cost me at least $20, which I cannot afford. And, I provide them with proof of my ongoing eligibility once a month, or every two months. I said it all very nicely and reasonably, and she said she would call them and sort it out (it wasn't my worker that sent the letter, it's a different person who deals with that stuff). She didn't call me back to tell me I had to go, but, I haven't had my cheque yet, and I've had trouble getting in touch with her. It's the weekend now, so I'll call again Monday morning... but christ! I mean, not everyone is on welfare because they just aren't working. I thought the whole point of my getting these notes was to prove that I needed it for health reasons.

I know it isn't her fault, it's just annoying as hell, and troublesome because I really, really need that money like, now. Welfare, from what I hear and experience, is a little too much of a crazy bureaucracy. I understand the need in some respects, but they are often just totally inflexible about their policies and such. They don't take individual situations in to account at all, which can be rather stressful.

I have a friend who had to go on welfare as she had a child very young, she's a single mother, and he was born with Autism. He's severely autistic. When he was old enough to start school, she had to find work. The problem was, when she did get work, she had to leave very frequently to pick him up from school in the middle of the day. When he would have an outburst or a problem, they would just take him out of class and send him home. So she couldn't hold on to a job, because she had to leave so often, and she could never make enough money to hire someone to help her deal with his issues, and welfare wouldn't provide for it. And, as he is in public school, outside help at school wasn't even a possibility. So welfare was constantly harassing her about getting work, and trying to cut her off, and she was trying to find work and keep it, but had such a hard time. I felt so badly for her, it was awful.

[Truthiness Inspector]

38. You are in an emergency situation

You are already sleeping on a loveseat, so sleeping on mattress on the floor (or whatever) at your parents' house would actually be a relief.

Staying alone in horrible conditions while you are this sick is the WRONG thing to do.

Please talk to your parents, you need them possibly more than ever right now. They are your parents, not a distant roommate. And even if they work a lot, you'd see them more than you see your roommate who doesn't even care anyway.

Screw the lease; you can find a way to pay your obligations later. Get out now. Otherwise, you may be opting to honor your lease at the expense of your life.

Just being in a better environment would help your spirit which will go a long way to fighting whatever it is that ails you.

Please take this VERY seriously. You are in trouble. NOTHING good will come out of sinking further into a black hole in your current situation.

You are looking for someone to help you, and that person is YOU.

Things will get better, take this first step.

[GirlinContempt]

43. There is no where to put a mattress

They can't take me in. They have a full house. And, I can't just 'screw the lease'. My landlord will come after me for the money, plus probably compensation or something.

I know I should be in a better situation. But I can't just show up on my parents doorstep with all my stuff and force them to take me in to their full home.

I'm sorry to sound bitchy, but the person to help me isn't me. The person to help me is a doctor. Someone who can help get a diagnoses and figure out treatment options and set something in motion to help me heal, or at the very least improve and control my symptoms. I am unable to do this. And I am unable to move somewhere that I am not invited to or welcome at. I'm sorry but I resent this idea that I'm not doing anything. I've been fighting with this for ten months. I haven't just been sitting around waiting for someone to help me. but I'm in a place where that is what I need, at this point. Anything I can feasibly do to help my self, I am attempting to do. But I can't fix this. I can't make people move out of a house to make space for me. I can't treat myself.

[TreasonousBastard]

5. And here I sit once again...

hearing someone in pain and there is not a damned thing I can do but send good thoughts your way and hope you get through this soon enough.

[GirlinContempt]

18. Yeah

there is very little anyone can do, so don't you worry about it.

[Sunnier Skies]

7. Many good

wishes and thoughts coming your way. What JVC advised sounds very wise to me. A place to start. Hoping that you see some brighter days very soon.:hug:

Lisa

[LeftyFingerPop]

8. I am going to recommend something to you.

First of all, this is an amazing post to me because I can relate to SOME of what you have typed.

Let me tell you something...you WILL make it through this, but right now, it sounds like you are in trouble, and you need some help.

I can especially relate to what you typed about your frustration with doctors and your medical file. The fact that you have been to see doctors leads me to believe that you do indeed have medical insurance. If I did not read your post closely enough, and you don't have insurance, I apologize, but i am going to go on the assumption that you have some kind of insurance.

You need to find yourself a GOOD psychiatrist (NOT a psychologist). I am speaking from experience. There was a point in my life where EVERYTHING was falling apart. When this downward spiral starts, and your frustration builds, your mental state weakens. This will perpetuate and compound your medical problems.

I see a psychiatrist who is also a surgeon. He coordinated all my medical care. He worked with several other doctors to ensure my medical problems were being taken care of. He ordered tests that were required, when my other doctors would overlook them. He would phone my other doctors and DIRECT them what to do in regard to my care.

A good psychiatrist will take the reigns and help you navigate through the health care maze. Remember, the fact that you see a psychiatrist does not mean that you are crazy. You need to understand that they are medical doctors who understand the mind/body relationship better than any other type of doctor. They understand how life stresses impact your physical health. He is able to prescribe medicine and order any type of test he deems necessary.

Please, find yourself a good psychiatrist. They are worth their weight in gold.

I wish you the best.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

11. I agree with philboy

You need to find one doctor who will act as your advocate. My brother is doing that for a patient of his. He "talks doctor" to them when they are tempted to dismiss her.

[GirlinContempt]

15. Thanks

maybe if can come up with some money I'll try that

[DeepBlueC]

57. psychiatrists are covered by govt insurance in Canada

Your medical doctors are covered by the government health care. Psychiatrists are too. Only psychologists require supplementary health insurance. It does sound as though you could use a social worker to help you navigate your way through this cascade of problems as well. Can a welfare connect you with someone?

[GirlinContempt]

61. I have to get to and from the offices though

I can't actually afford to get to normal drs offices at this point with what I make, so it's just an added expense in that way.

[Danger Mouse]

19. Just one caveat. That costs money.

[BlueIris]

27. philboy speaks the truth about psychiatrists.

I continue to wish you all the best luck in the world, GirlinContempt.

[DeepBlueC]

58. I'm in Canada (Ontario) and shrinks are covered by single payer insurance

[mnhtnbb]

78. Oh, Girl. Hubby is a psychiatrist, and I'm going to agree with philboy.

You need someone with experience to advocate for you to get a diagnosis. You need emotional/mental
support navigating the system and just dealing with your everyday life. Please do find a good psychiatrist--and don't just settle for anyone. There are a lot of shrinks out there who will
want to only throw some pills your way. Don't accept that. You need someone who will also
listen and talk to you.

I also suggest you find a way to accept some of the help that's been offered by other DU'ers
here in response to your post.

You are NOT alone. Even if some of us can only give a cyberhug, let yourself feel that.

:hug:

[auntAgonist]

13. I have no solutions but I did want to check in and see how you

are doing today.

My heart goes out to you. NO ONE should be in such misery :cry: I'm so sorry.

kesha

[ghostsofgiants]

17. I wish so much that there was something I could do for you.

I really hope things get better for you sooner than later. :(

[Danger Mouse]

20. i'm sorry to see you having such a tough time.

:(

[pitohui]

21. in my life experience i've noticed there is NO problem a roommate can't make worse

i'm sorry you're going thru this

[JVS]

24. That should be a bumpersticker

[La Lioness Priyanka]

26. truer words have never been spoken or something

[curse of greyface]

29. Good Lord is that the truth...

[arcadian]

22. When I first read "bugs", I was gonna tell you to kick your Substance D habit.

As a joke, but I didn't know if you would have gotten it. And I read further and didn't know if you were in a jokey mood. Sorry, you are in a lot of pain right now.

[Breeze54]

23. ((((((((((((((((( GirlinContempt )))))))))))))))) - not in contempt in my eyes.

How can I help you? I have family in Nova Scotia and I'm in Mass. Not that far from Canada.
I can lend you my room. I don't sleep in there much anyway. I feel so bad for you. :(

[GirlinContempt]

75. You're a doll

but you're pretty far from me ;) I have trouble getting to the bathroom, let alone across the country ;)

Really, you're very sweet

[elshiva]

30. Sorry, so sorry...

If I lived near you, I'd drive you wherever you wanted. Also, you could have my grandma's old room. But, unfortunately, I live in Maryland.

You are a great woman. Please, do NOT pressure yourself into "acting cheerful" at this point. Just express yourself like you are doing now. You are a brilliant writer.
Wishes for good health. I don't know what else to say and do, except to say you can always PM me, to vent or talk about ANYTHING.
:cry: :hug:

[Lil Missy]

31. I'm so sorry. I wish I had a solution for you.

I wish we lived closer and I could at least provide rides.

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

34. Oh no...

I was about to log off when I saw your post. Hopefully, I can take the time to give you something that might help you.

Here it goes: In 1993, while crossing an intersection (when my light was green), a Coca Cola truck broadsided my car-- on the driver's side. Amazingly, I could get out of my car and actually try to chase down the driver. He (the truck driver) eventually stopped about 1/2 a city block later because the impact blew out one of his tires. Sigh. This is difficult to speak about today. But I want to tell you this to give you hope. I had so many problems after that automobile accident... sciatic nerve pain, etc. I went to several doctors. Most of them told me it was just "stress". Eventually, one doctor recommended physical therapy (specifically pool therapy) and the sciatica subsided. And it was a damn good thing, too, because it was so bad I couldn't sit for more than a few minutes at a time.

I'm rambling, I'm sorry. I've lived with a lot of pain at different times in my life. It's difficult to keep your head above water, mentally, at times. They never could diagnose a single thing with me by x-rays until recently. Even though I told a doc in 1993 that I heard my neck crackling every single time I turned it, he (and other doctors) simply ignored that. Here I am... still "kicking" so-to-speak. I try to tell myself "mind over matter" as often as I can. I take hot soaking baths in mineral salts. Sometimes I drink. Rarely, since I am rarely given any, I try to break the pain cycle with meds.

There are ways to live with chronic pain. None of them are easy-- I won't kid you. I'm just telling you this so you'll know it can be done. And, sometimes there are no good answers... and not even a real diagnosis. One doctor will tell me I have fibromialgia, and the next will say it's bone spurs. Seems to me they don't know as much about the human body - and especially pain - as they should!!

Please hang in there. As my friend in Italy often tells me, "HOLD ON!!"

Sending hugs your way... :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Withywindle]

35. ((((hugs))))

I know that's kind of bullshit and doesn't help you. If I lived near you I'd come over and do some cleaning and cooking for you at least. It sucks that your "friends" won't even do that much.

Sending you good vibes, which is all I have, but I hope it helps.

[WildEyedLiberal]

36. A big ole hug for you

:hug:

I wish I lived closer so I could offer you some help, even just to come over and run errands for you and take you places and stuff. I hope it gets better for you, soon. You're one of my favorite DUers and you have so much to offer the world.

[PassingFair]

39. Girl....

You need your parents. It doesn't matter HOW old you are.
Your roommate is NOT your spouse, right?

You are one of my favorite writers, and whatever
spiral you are in, please KNOW that your PHYSICAL
ailments are the real problem.

Years ago I suffered from migraines and vertigo
that they had no diagnosis for. The pain was so
intense that I thought I was going crazy. The
"medical establishment" hinted that it was all
in my mind, and before I knew it, I COULDN'T TELL
if I WAS sick or I was MAKING MYSELF SICK.

Luckily, my family KNEW I was sick.

My headaches eventually went away, but when I
get one, I still think that there is NO GOOD IN
THIS WORLD.

Hang. On.

[crim son]

40. I am appalled by your post. Come live with me.

There is no work, but at least there are no bedbugs, and you would NEVER be alone. Seriously. My house is your house.

Dammit, there must be something or somebody to help you in a more substantial way. I'll light the candle, pray and send vibes and think. In the meantime, know that we care about you and it matters that you are suffering, GirlinContempt. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[GirlinContempt]

76. Thats very sweet of you

Sadly, I can't get around anywhere :(

[mainegreen]

41. This is terrible.

I don't know what to say.

:(

[BarenakedLady]

42. I'm so sorry

I wish there was something I could do.

:hug:

[lightningandsnow]

44. I'm so sorry you have to go through all that.

I'm really sorry I can't give you good advice, either. But I care about you and am thinking about you.

Feel free to add me on AIM if you need to just talk. My SN is sparklesgrrl.

Hope things get better for you.

:hug:

[HEyHEY]

45. Aly, I think your provincial government could help you with the bed bugs

I know that her it's something the government took care of when it broke out in the DTES.

[GirlinContempt]

47. They wont

I've looked in to it.

[flvegan]

46. What's an exterminator cost?

I'm sorry for all you're going through, and if there's some way I can help, I'd like to. I can't help you with your medical, but I think that myself along with other DUers would like to help with the misery.

[GirlinContempt]

48. $300 or more.

The first quotes I got were around $300, but now they're saying it will be more because they will have spread since i first found the infection, and they have to inspect the space, and find out if any other areas are infected as well... So i'm not sure.

[flvegan]

49. Would it be possible to get another estimate?

If it's okay with you, I'd be happy to start a DU fundraiser here in La Lounge. I'm willing to bet we can get $300+. Again, ONLY if that's okay with you. You're going through a lot of shit, and you shouldn't have to live with bugs making it worse.

[GirlinContempt]

50. Er I'll PM you

[emilyg]

53. I'd like to contribute.

[Hosnon]

52. Sign me up. nt.

[snailly]

51. Honey, you need to leave now

Take a trip down south where the warm people are. There are so many DU peeps that you could hang with til you got your shit together. It ain't over. You are in the wrong place right now. Get out.

[GirlinContempt]

55. you sending a plane ticket?

haha ;)

[Connonym]

54. very gentle hug so I don't hurt you

:hug: Shouldn't the landlord take care of the exterminator? I'm so sorry that you're having a miserable time of it.

[fourvahl]

60. If renting..

yes, seems the landlord needs to take care of this.

I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

[GirlinContempt]

62. Not if the infestation is my fault.

and, as I am the only person who's suite is infected at this time, it is. I have no idea how they got in, could have been through a visitor, I could have picked them up on my clothes somewhere and brought them back, I really don't have any clue, but it is only me that has this problem at this time.

[gardenista]

66. You may not be the only person in your building

Please check this website, if you haven't already:

www.bedbugger.com

Bedbugs are on the rise everywhere, and unless you are in a single-family dwelling, where you share no common walls, floors, or ceilings with anyone else, you could very well have gotten the bedbugs from another infested apartment. People are ashamed of getting bedbugs, so they will often lie and say they don't have them.

Regardless, in many jurisdictions, it is the landlord's responsibility regardless of how the infestation came to be, and it is also in the landlord's interest to protect the other tenants from infestation.

We got a small infestation from a hotel stay a few years ago, and we self-treated. We beat them, but it was a lot of work. I can't tell you how I am feeling for you right now. Please PM me if you want to talk about it. There are some small steps you can take now to at least protect yourself while you are sleeping, but you will need some help if you are unable to physically manage the lifting and shopping required to isolate your bed. But that is the place to start.

I can only offer you my sincerest sympathy, and advice in PM if you want it.

But you CAN do this. You CAN.

[GirlinContempt]

69. I've done a lot of research on it.

There are only 2 other suites, no one else has them as of yet. Someone came over and helped me at first, my clothes are packed up and at the cleaners (nightmare of a cost, let me tell you), everything is pulled apart, vacuming, steaming, etc etc endless bullshit. That I really can't cope with. But, I also can't have someone come over every day and do it for me. And even so, they may still stick around. I know what to do, but I can't get rid of them on my own. I've contacted the landlord-tenant association, so I know the rules. I have to get the exterminator. And it sounds like if they spread, it's my problem too.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

81. Go to the city about the bed bugs

Here your landlord would have to take care of it. The laws in Canada are probably better.

[GirlinContempt]

83. I have.

I've talked to the Landlord-Tenant Association, read the full Landlord-Tenant Act, and contacted the Health Board. Believe me, I found out beforehand. As I mentioned earlier. I am responsible.

[Dystopian]

56. Please find a piece of peace of mind....

Reading these responses....knowing that you are loved. I was overcome with tears with the offers...especially ones opening their homes to you. I wish I could do the same...there once was a time when I could offer my home.
I wish you the best...and sending love...:hug:
My life is a bit like yours, but not to this extreme....not anywhere near it.
No one wants you to live like this...I pray that you find your answer...today.


peace~

[GOPBasher]

59. omg ... I'm so sorry.

:-(

[TK421]

63. Christ, this fucking sucks...I wish there was some way I could help

I'm in P.A, too far away from you to do any good, but if you ever want to talk let me know

Hope your situation improves :hug:

[u4ic]

65. I have been in a similar place, GiC

-including doctors dismissing me, and being bedridden - but sans bed bugs. At least I had rides to doctor's appointments.

There should be some sort of housing subsidy offered by the provincial gov't (either getting into low income housing, or staying in your place with financial help). You'll probably be put on a list, but to even think there could be some financial help in the future may help you feel a wee bit better.

Also, if you need someone to talk to, try a UU or United Church minister (none will talk about any god), and see if they can drop by. Most do house visits. They may have some ideas, and could also know of help for you to get rides to appointments (there are often people who volunteer their time, you just have to know where to find them), and other help you may need.

I really wish I could help. I know how hellish it is. I hope you get the help and care you so desperately need, soon. :hug:

[GirlinContempt]

70. There is a housing subsidy

I get around $25/month from the province, apart from welfare toward housing. I really can't move, moving would take me further away from what little help I have now, and I am locked in to a lease. I've looked in to it before now, it sucks.

My sister used to be really involved in the Unitarian church here, maybe I can ask her if she knows someone there that I could talk to for help, that's a good idea, thank you.

[u4ic]

86. $25?!?

Is there another one? That hardly makes a dent!

Here (as I said, there's a bit of a wait) you'd pay 30% of your income towards rent, the rest being covered by the gov't (and paid to the landlord).


Here are some more good vibes - you need them. :grouphug:

[GirlinContempt]

87. That's it.

I believe we have programs like that, with a percentage thing, but they don't apply if you're on welfare, as far as I'm aware.
My rent is actually fairly low, considering. I could probably find a bachelor apartment in a scuzzy neighbourhood for less, if I was able to move. Maybe even subsidized housing, but most of that goes to families from what I know of it. The biggest problem is being in a lease, but also, I live very close to friends and family where I am now. Moving would take me away from that little support. Unless the savings were considerable, it wouldn't be worth it probably. Welfare provides a different allowance for housing, so, if I found a place for less than my housing allowance (which is near impossible I think) I wouldn't get to keep the money. Welfare would just pay the actual amount.

It's really not a bad suggestion, I thank you! It's just that low-cost housing is hard to get into, and I don't think it would change my situation that much as I'm not actually earning any income, you know? :)

[u4ic]

88. I agree

staying near your support system is very important.

Here, the subsidy pertains to either low-income housing or staying in your own place (and is available to some welfare receipients. The 30% applies whether your 'income' is welfare or disability or a low wage job). I know every province is different - I was hoping there was a better subsidy available for you so you could stay where you are.

[gardenista]

67. www.bedbugger.com

You will receive support, advice, and be given the facts about how to deal with the bedbugs, at least.

There are some simple things you can do right now to protect yourself from bites.

Please be well, and believe that this will pass.

[Name removed]

68. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Name removed]

71. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Name removed]

79. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[GirlinContempt]

72. I don't seem to be getting any new ones anymore

So I think I've managed to keep them out of the living room at least so far. I didn't get that site before though, thanks. I got most of my information from Toronto Public Health, the University of Kentucky (oddly), Health Canada, and a bunch of other sites.

[gardenista]

82. The support on the forums is really amazing

Try to check it out if you have a chance.

[GirlinContempt]

85. Cool, will do

[GirlinContempt]

77. To everyone who's posted on this thread:

Thank you all so much for your kindness, generosity and help. It means a lot to me, and I want you all to know that I am very very touched. I hope that not too many of you have been offended if I seem abrupt, or if I have not taken your advice. Especially right after I first posted this thread. I want you to know that the advice given has been good, and I've read it all. I've tried many things already, and some things are just beyond me or cannot work for me. But, that said, all of you are wonderful, and I appreciate it more than I can say. I know it's hard to help without all of the details of these past ten months. All I really wanted was a place to vent, to let it out at that time, to feel like I was in contact with people. You provided me with that, and so much more. Thank you all, again, from the bottom of my heart.

[crispini]

80. .

:hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

84. I am sorry that I have no advice, but I do have a hug

:hug:

I hope that things can get better for you ASAP. It looks like maybe some DUers up-thread had some good ideas. :)

[MadMaddie]

89. Have you been tested for Lime disiese?

Many of the symptoms mask themselves as well known ailments. My coworker and her sister were diagnosed with it and it's nasty stu

[Inchworm]

90. I haven't read your entire post

I really hope that after sooo many days of it slung in your face that you are ok by now.

Please mr or ma'am, don't get stuck in "I can't fucking do this anymore" 'cause that's shit.

I guess I should take my drunk ass to bed. I just hate seeing this topic live for so long...

:Hug: