dating advice.....Gentlemen and Ladies ..... Please, Please

[lost-in-nj]

DO NOT WAIT until 5th month to drop "THE" bombshell


get it all out in the beginning


please
the sooner the better

it wont hurt as much....
promise

:cry:

:hug:



ON EDIT: NO CHILD MOLESTATION!!!!!
I am positive



lost

[Tuesday Afternoon]

1. what is "THE" Bombshell?

:shrug:

[lost-in-nj]

5. maybe that you sold drugs ??

:shrug:

I had no fucking idea

my daughter and brother both were addicted to coke

dont FUCK with me when it comes to drugs

he knew
oh and child molestation

(NO HE DID NOT) that happened to me




lost

what EVER is your boiling point that is the BOMBSHELL



I bet you have one

[JVS]

8. So he's a drug-dealing child-molester or what?

[lost-in-nj]

10. no child molestation

I want to make that clear

but

YES

he sold drugs

so he could get high


lost

[JVS]

11. Does he still sell and use drugs?

[lost-in-nj]

12. NO but

I have had to many people affected by sellers

I am having SUCH a hard time thinking
he might of sold to my brother

at least

not my daughter
he quit by then


lost

[Tuesday Afternoon]

13. one? I have more buttons than a Victorian Wedding Dress...

push button issues? I got them! Of course, I don't date. That solved a lot of the issues right there ;)

sorry about the bad news bears :hug:

[stewartcolbert08]

29. How about.....

If I am still in love with my ex but I REALLY REALLY care about this new guy because I know me and the ex cannot work anything out right now.........

[Dystopian]

2. So sorry....

I have no idea what the bombshell is...or who dropped it...
But I have a :hug: for you....

peace~

[lost-in-nj]

6. see above

he thought I would be ok with it


told him

not right now

let me thing about it.........


:hug:

lost

[Dystopian]

14. Oh lost...I'm sorry...

I agree, if one has things from the past that they feel they must purge, it should be at the beginning.
Sometimes the past is simply that...we all have one, and have moved on. But he obviously had the need to tell you, sorry it came too late. If he knew about your family drug problems....he should have said it when the topic came up.
I've had drug issues in my family, also. My children started a relationship with their father who I divorced when they were babies...Vietnam vet, PTSD, heroin addict. He was out of our lives for 20 years....apparently clean for for all those years, and then we had him back for the last year of his life...he died by the needle.

Yes, you need time to think. I know of many who sold/used drugs in their past....but we all have things we will not tolerate, past or present...
I understand...
Also, so sorry about your childhood...you are not alone:hug:

Hoping that you find peace of mind~
:hug:

[AlCzervik]

3. what is the bombshell--"I just want to be friends" or "I'm married"?

or something else?

[lost-in-nj]

7. no... see above

we were both married


but.......


:hi:

lost

[LeftyMom]

4. He has VD?

Don't make us play 20 Questions.

[lost-in-nj]

9. sorry

wish it was that easy

see above

:hi:

lost

[Deja Q]

15. Yipes - I am sorry. Humanity can be a pain at times.

:(
:hug:

[lost-in-nj]

19. gosh I missed you

:hug:


lost

[Nikia]

16. Well, some people think it will be easier to accept their past once you know them

I have had friends that didn't tell me bad things about their past until I knew them better. Some of those things were things that would probably make me not want to be friends with them if I had known right away. Once I knew them though, I was more able to accept it as part of their lives that maybe didn't reflect who they were now. Maybe with dating it is different, but a lot of people have things in their past that they aren't proud of that they just don't tell people right away.

[Deja Q]

17. Logical; I concur. And I should have realized what you said...

Being honest upfront means one is susceptible to any pertinent stereotypes.

Waiting to withhold a truism about one's life means a sheer lack of respect toward the other person.

:eyes:

Still, when it comes to drugs - especially selling - I would be creeped out and any story to explain would have to be a good one.

[Nikia]

25. One of my friends did tell me he had sold drugs in the past

After I known him for several months. Other things that he told me about his life gave a good background as to why he used drugs and ended up selling. A fifteen minute explanation after barely knowing him wouldn't have made me as understanding.
By contrast have a potential friend who I have seen regularly at a place that we both frequent. Within talking to her twice, she told me that a few years ago that she beat up her boyfriend and was on probation for that and that she had tried to kill herself. I have little explanation about what led to that besides that she is bipolar. She wants to hang out with me and has given me her number, but I am hesitant. I think that it would be better if she hadn't felt the need to be that honest upfront.

[curse of greyface]

18. Okay clumsy oaf going to step on some toes here,

Why shouldn't he wait to tell you???

It's not exactly first date material. (If it is run far and fast)

And since it was fairly distant in his past one might argue it wouldn't occur to him that any "reasonable" person would object.

You clearly have a very emotional response. I understand that. Clearly a button from your past.

He is probably somewhat relieved that you showed this side after only five months.

Sometimes we have to escape ourselves and understand what a reasonable person would think.

That said :hug:

[lost-in-nj]

20. some backround

I was 14 when I met him
went to his Prom


we have history
big time


I will be 50 this month


:hug:

thank you


lost

[PeaceNikki]

21. You said he sold to support a habit and you react that way!?

Really? :wtf:

[lost-in-nj]

22. what do you mean???

:shrug:

yes
my father started the drug abuse hotline in my town when I was in high school
the drug abuse hotline phone was in my parents bedroom
fucking half my class called and told me no knowing it was my dad that they talked to

I am not a stupid person when it comes to this

he had a choice


but

I also had family members on the other side


I have no sympathy

lost

[PeaceNikki]

23. What I mean is that I find that shocking.

Especially since you say you have experience and loved ones who've been addicted. People do fucked up shit to support their habits and dealing, while bad, is pretty low on the shock-meter, to be honest.

You said he's not using or dealing anymore so I guess you think his past is unforgivable. If you, someone who has experience can't understand and let him get on with his life, who will or should?

I've known and still know addicts and they did really bad shit. FAR worse than dealing. And, if they can beat it, REALLY beat it, I respect them for it.

[Inchworm]

24. PM me wench

hope all is well :cry:

:hug:

[billyskank]

26. He's married?

:hug:

[Danger Mouse]

27. i see...

:hug:

[Genevieve]

28. Good that you forgave your brother and your daughter.

[In_The_Wind]

30. Would you be happier if you never found out?

Everyone has a right to have a past. He put his mistakes behind him. He has forgiven himself and he has also suffered from his wrong doings.

I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to come clean with you. He knew he was risking losing you by being honest with you but he evidently hoped that you cared enough about him to find forgiveness in your heart for him as you have for others you've loved. :hug:

[Heidi]

31. I would guess that he told you this because he trusted you.

You say in other posts upthread that this man made a choice to deal drugs, and that you have been hurt by your brother's and your daughter's drug use; did they not also make a choice to use drugs? Drug dealers and drug users don't exist in separate worlds; it's a supply and demand thing. If you like this man in all other respects, I'd suggest that you open your heart to him and tell _him_ what you're feeling. If you really enjoy his company, why let what's in the past stand in the way?

I wish you good luck and a forgiving heart, lost. :hug: